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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: Do We Have to Go to This Destination Wedding?

Dear Sugar and Not Into it Isabelle need your help. Is she obligated to go to this outrageously expensive destination wedding?

Dear Sugar,

Recently my fiancé got in touch with a childhood friend. In the three and a half years I've known him, I never once heard him mention this guy. Well it turns out this friend is getting married in a year, three weeks after us. It's a destination wedding to Jamaica, and it will probably be at least $2,500 for the both of us!

I'm all for weddings, but I feel really awkward about going to this one, for many reasons. I've never met the guy so how close can they be? Also, this wedding is going to be really small and intimate, so I would feel really uncomfortable sharing this special day when I've never even met any of these people. Plus we're taking two weeks off for our wedding and honeymoon, so how can I take another week off three weeks later? We're also trying to save for a house, and $2,500 is a lot of money to spend for a couple I don't even know!

What do you think? Should I quit being such a stick in the mud and agree to go and make a vacation out of it? Or should I put my foot down and tell my fiancé that it's just not in our budget?

—Not Into it Isabelle


Join The Conversation
LilGlamDiva LilGlamDiva 8 years
I would just explain to them that it is very close to your own wedding and the cost will be an issue, wish them the best and get a nice gift...
htiduj htiduj 9 years
if you cant afford it, dont go. and by affording i dont just mean the money. you have to factor in the time, whether or not you will be getting paid vacation time off - or if since you are taking off for your honeymoon this will be unpaid time (which makes it much more costly). of if you are using vacation for your wedding/honeymoon but will have to use all your sick days for this wedding - thus leaving you without any for when you need a day off...thus having to take off unpaid. not to mention how it will affect you at work. i cannot imagine that taking so much time off work all at once is something that your boss will look kindly too. i also have to say that you dont know the guy or his fiance. if your fiance was suuuch good friends with him then you would know both of them, or at least would have heard of both of them. its ridiculous for you guys to go out there for people you are clearly not close to. this is obviously nostaligic for your fiance, but at the end of the day you have to focus on the present, not on the past. furthermore, i do not think that people who get married at destination weddings or "out of town" expect people to come who arent their family or closest friends. in fact, i have known people who have invited people they never would have if the wedding was local, simply because they know they wont come to the wedding,so they dont have to pay for their place setting, but then they get a present out of it. im not saying i condone that behavior, or that this is what your fianc'es friend is doing...but its something to think about. the bottom line is you have to think about affordability, then talk to your fiance and explain your concerns. if he still wants to go, then maybe reach a compromise where he goes alone. but whatever you do, dont let this wedding spoil your wedding or the first few weeks of your marriage. (thats another "affording" think you have to account for). worst case scenario, go. peace at home and starting off on the right foot is really the most important thing in marriage. and that has to go into your calculation as well.
Personally, I want to have a destination wedding, and I don't care if ANYONE shows up. Getting married is about the two people reciting the vowels, not who all was there to witness it.
lovelylei lovelylei 9 years
since you don't know this friend of his, I honestly think you don't owe him anything therefor you shouldn't have to spend all that money. you say they were good friends but still.. your fiance should understand this and understand your financial situation... especially after all your wedding plans and everything I'd think you'd want to relax!
MamaD MamaD 9 years
Send your regrets and a gift you CAN afford. That's it plain and simple.
JustineyBoBeeny JustineyBoBeeny 9 years
If it's so bad where you might go into major debt because of it, don't go. If he feels so passionate about going, tell him to go alone and have fun. He hasn't seen his friend in so long it might be nice for them to spend a little time remeniscing about their closeness you were unaware of :-P
allien86 allien86 9 years
I say talk to your fiance. Mention the problems you have with the wedding (not knowing them, money, work etc.) and try to come up with a solution. Maybe this wedding is really important to your fiance(in which case you should probably go or at least let him go) but maybe he was just thinking it would be fun and a chance to extend your honeymoon and will agree not to go when he realises your view on the issue.
HappyKate HappyKate 9 years
There is no reason that you have to go. This person is not a brother or sister of yours, or a long time friend. It is too expensive and the simple answer is no you do not.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
Can he go without you? I mean I know you'd just be getting married yourself but if he really wants to go and its too expesnive for the two of you can he go without you?
ackoonce04 ackoonce04 9 years
Support your fiance! Although you may not know him, your fiance does. I think you should go and make the best out of it. It will be an amazing year for you a second honeymoon. And who could say no to Jamaica!
elsiebelle elsiebelle 9 years
If it's a financial problem, don't go. If you can get by, I say'll be a great getaway!
the-makeup-blogette the-makeup-blogette 9 years
Don't go. I don't think you or your man should obliged to have to fly there. Just send them a present instead. Or ask them to fly over for your wedding too.
LolaDub LolaDub 9 years
i agree with mrs u said why spend money on a couple u dont even know. u can also just spend a reason amount a wedding gift..that is valuable enough. and hopefully ur husband can understand.
Linny Linny 9 years
let your husband go if it means a lot to him. you don't want to be the wife that cuts her husband off from his friends. even if they haven't spoken in a while it might not of been because they didn't want to. people do lose track of old friends and eventually track them down again and in the mean time, they still think about the person as a friend and someone they love.
mrspiven mrspiven 9 years
you don't need to go, and i don't think anyone will be upset if you don't.
tralalala tralalala 9 years
Obviously it's really important to your fiance that you go, and I don't think you want to start off your marriage with the resentment of him knowing he's missing a childhood friend's wedding. Just go, have fun. The wedding is like, 2 hours, you're in Jamaica for a week! Consider it honeymoon part 2.
wiciltd wiciltd 9 years
my sissy froufrou annoying stepsister is having a destination wedding... and to get more presents er i mean.. for people to enjoy their wonderful day.. They're having a reception when they get back to Canada That could be a good compromise.. Not attending the destination wedding but the reception if they're having one
mlen mlen 9 years
i say put your foot down!! i mean that is a ton of money especially when you are getting married very close before. they will prob understand. just convey your regret and that you'd love to get together with them after for a celebratory dinner or something!
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Personally if I had so many expenses and my own wedding to plan I wouldn't go! It just seems like too much for someone you don't even know. I went to a friends destination wedding in Jamaica and I've known her for 15 yrs and it really set me back but she was one of my bests friends and I wasn't going to miss it for the world. On the other hand you don't even know this guy I think it's rediculous that the couple getting married would feel like your obligated to go. Maybe they invited you guys just to be kind. If your fiance insists on it then I too would have him go alone. Just talk to your fiance I'm sure he can see where your coming from and you two can work something out. Keep us posted! Good Luck!!! P.S. is anybody else with me here...I feel like if your going to do something like a destination wedding you should be able to fly your guests out or pay for their stay or BOTH! Sometimes I feel like it's too much money to impose on friends and the majority of time it ends up being a small intimate wedding because people can't afford to go. So your loved ones end up missing your special day!
omilawd omilawd 9 years
You don't know the couple, and you said he was a childhood friend of your fiance, meaning he hasn't talked to him in a while as it is. I wouldn't spend the money to go. Send a nice gift and a card if you feel bad about not going, but spending that much money to put yourself in an awkward situation seems a bit ridiculous imho.
redegg redegg 9 years
Don't go, put your foot down! It's too close to your wedding and it's going to be ridiculous to try to figure out how to get time off and afford something so close to your wedding. I think destination weddings are more optional because they are asking A LOT. Time and moneywise. If you ever meet him and his wife in the future you can apologize for not going and I'm sure they will understand if they are nice people.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i always feel fine saying "i'm sorry it's not in the budget right now", and repeating as necessary. driving across town is one thing, anything else is not required. other people don't get to decide how and when i spend my vacation time and money.
PrincessTracy PrincessTracy 9 years
If you can't afford it, you can't afford it...that's just crazy and I'm sure you won't be the only couple who can't. I can't even afford local weddings, let alone if people start destination weddings!!! I say send a gift and save the money because I'm sure you'll need it for something your OWN wedding since you did say you had a fiance....
muchacha muchacha 9 years
i like all the advice brought up above, but gossipqueen's in particular struck me as sound. for sure if you go to the wedding you will need to figure out how to replace the money.. and discussing that may help you move you away from your negativity surrounding this situation..
Marci Marci 9 years
I was thinking just what kkhh said. Since this event so closely follows your own wedding and all the time and expense that goes into that, maybe your fiance, by-then-husband could go alone. I happen to also agree with jennifer76 when she said it's not really your place to determine how important this friendship is. It's your husband's friend, not yours. Only he knows how important it is. And 'putting your foot down' isn't something I ever recommend when things can probably be resolved through open communication. Sometimes that involves frustration, tears and/or yelling, but it's not someone calling the shots. Good luck with your own wedding plans. :)
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