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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: How Can She Break Up With Him?

Dear Sugar and My Heart is Torn Tara need your help. How can she break up with her boyfriend and tell his friend she likes him instead?

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. I love him very much, but I'm afraid the relationship has descended into codependency. He's an angry, negative person with little or no life ambition. I've just recently had major surgery and whenever I call upon him to walk my dog or help me get groceries (I really don't ask him that often), it's like I'm the biggest burden in his life. To add more to the mix, I have serious feelings for his friend who's moving away in two months! It's making my head spin. Help me sort this out. I know I need to break up with him, I just don't know how. Furthermore, I feel like if I don't tell the other guy how I feel, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Please help. I need an outsider's opinion as all of my girlfriends have lost their patience with me.

— My Heart is Torn Tara


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clarapl clarapl 9 years
I'm not sure I understand your question. Do you literally mean you don't know how to break up with him? (You say: "I don't want to see you anymore.")Or do you mean you're afraid of being on your own? If it's about learning to stand on your own two feet, all your friends (and us) can do is be supportive, but it's just something we all have to go through--it's part of growing up. But if you just can't be bothered to take action, that's your choice, but then you should quit whining about your current situation. No one can fix this for you; you need to take responsibility for your own life.
James780 James780 9 years
There is a lot of GOOD advice here. Leave your boyfriend you are not happy with. Would you want to marry someone like that? It may be hard but you could remain in a mediocre relationship or you can sever ties, heal, and then find someone that will love and care for you more than anyone else! I suggest after breaking up, remain single. Do some self searching. See if there is anything you could have done better in the relationship. I don't know you or the situation but some questions could be were you more clingy? is there a pattern of relationship breakups in the past? if so, what part did you play in it? or was this guy just not compatible with you! Breaking up is always hard. I had a long distance relationship with a wonderful girl. She was in the Hospital and near death. I called almost every day to find out if she was ok. When she was out of the hospital she was mad that I would call/be concerned. You see, I cared about her but she obviously didn't care about me. I also suggest a simple 'its over' message. If it were me, I would prefer it be in person or over the phone than a cold email message. Keep it short. Please do not mention that you have another guy you are interested in. My ex dropped me for another guy the next day. Worst was to hear they were planning to get married, have a child, etc (when my ex was dead set against having a child when I was in the relationship). Words don't describe the pain this causes and it makes me wonder how long she was running around with this other person. In your B/fs case, it will cause a riff between him and his friend if he knew if you were chasing his friend. Especially if his friend were to accept you as his girl. your b/f would wonder if you and his friend were sneaking around well before breaking up! You might not like your Bf but it is best to gently let him go. the sooner the better so both of you can move on. As for me, I am still seeking for someone that shows more respect than this ex of mine did. Take your time looking. I hear that it is worth it once you find them. One day I may understand that advise.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Scenario: *ring ring* Him- Hello? You-Hey, listen i have been thinking alot lately about this relationship, and what my expectations are and i really feel like i am selling myself short by staying with someone who obviously doesnt care for me the way i want to be cared for Him-what do you mean? You-I need your help and its just seems like you are annoyed with me asking, i really want and deserve someone who loves me enough to sacrifice his time and energy when i need it the most. Its not fair to you or me to continue this Him- we can work this out! You-yea, no.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
I don't see why you need to tell the other guy how you feel. He's a friend of your current boyfriend, and he's moving away in 2 months. It sounds like it would just create massive drama.
foxie foxie 9 years
TELL THE OTHER GUY. You will definitely ALWAYS wonder what would have happened, even if you find another great guy later on. But break up any way you need to before anything at all happens between you and guy #2... you still need to respect your relationship while you're in it.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
Dump the boyfriend but as everyone said telling his good friend is a no no... why would you want to date his friend anyway?
blingbling blingbling 9 years
Dump the bf = but really what would letting his friend know how you feel accomplish? #1, it's kinda Jerry Springer. #2, he's moving away anyway, right? So how would you "be together"? #3, You should spend some time on your own anyway. I wouldn't say anything to the friend. After some time goes by, MAYBE. But probably not.
ReverendZelda ReverendZelda 9 years
Dump your bf, but don't be surprised if the other guy isn't interested. Dating your friend's ex is in violation of man code.
bastille_75 bastille_75 9 years
Oh yah, as for his friend, at least that shows you there are some good out there!!! But, dating his friend may not be the best idea. Good Luck!!!
bastille_75 bastille_75 9 years
I think I dated that guy!!!!! And it was just about the three year point that I started getting sick of it - and then it took the next year to actually break it off. But, it was the best thing I ever did!!! Trust me (I know from experience), it's better to be alone then with some who does not give the same love, respect and admiration that you have for them!!! Guys like that are so obtuse, that will never consider anyone other then themselves!! Get out while the getting is good!!!
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
I hate these comments about how if you go for the friend and tell him how you feel, that makes you a bad girlfriend. F that. If he wasnt loyal enough to you to make you happy and be there for you, why should you keep yourself from someone who might truly make you happy, even if it is his best friend? Break up with the guy. Evaluate his relationship with his friend. If they are close and have been friends since they were in school, then give it time. He's moving away anyway, you may just want to let it go. Screw that idea of "loyalty" and "respect" and sentimentality, the relationship you had with the guy doesnt deserve it. Life goes on, and we should be allowed to be happy with whomever we want, barring the tacky or disgraceful.
Creativa404 Creativa404 9 years
I think you leave your boyfriend but don't tell his friend you have feelings for him. If his friend is REALLY his friend, he would not think of dating you even if you express your feelings. And, even if you and his friend did date, do you really want to be with someone that was not a loyal friend? And, think of all the stories he and your ex could share behind your back?!? I think this decision is an easy one. Forget about both and find a new P. Charming :-) Good luck.
remedios remedios 9 years
Two separate issues here, and should be dealt with separately. Your attraction to the other guy might be stronger now because he's not your boyfriend. He's got qualities that your boyfriend doesn't have, and it's inevitable that you, even subconsciously, judge him against your boyfriend. This seems to say more about your boyfriend, though, than the other guy. It says you don't really like enough about him to want to be with him. So just tell him, this isn't working, I'm no longer in love, goodbye. Then let yourself have some breathing room for a bit. If you're still attracted to this other guy and you need an excuse to see him, call him and see if he'd be willing to help you with something. Or just see if he wants to come over and watch a movie with you (and some wine). But you might just realize that once you're free from your current relationship, this other guy doesn't really seem to matter much.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
Dump you boyfriend,forget about the friend. take thi time to have a smooth recovery, and get intouch with yourself. pleaaassssseee, before you get knocked up by him. if he won't walk you dog, what will do for a hungry kid???
1BumbleBee 1BumbleBee 9 years
Get rid of your bf and his friend as well. Let your past stay in the past and start fresh.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I agree with spiceG, You should take time to yourself after the breakup. Please don't try the it works in the movies running to his best friend and living happily ever after crap. It usually never works out and it causes even more drama and stress. Why would you even want to deal with that right now? I agree with the person above that anyone would look better than your boyfriend at this rate. So that's probably why you're fixated on his best friend. It's also always tempting when it's wrong, right? You really need to breakup with your boyfriend. You obviously don't love the guy anymore. So what's keeping you with him?
trixydisco trixydisco 9 years
spiceG, that is such good, well-thought advice! trixy
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with spiceG's comment, one at a time. It's very easy glamorize another guy when your own is disappointing you. I went through a year of serious health issues while with a longterm boyfriend. He never so much as made me a cup of tea and only told me it was all in my head. Once I found my way through that maze and diagnoses were made, I dumped him. A life partner will be there for you through thick and thin, and he just wasn't there for me. My next boyfriend after him (who is now my fiance) couldn't be more opposite. He's loving, caring and nurturing. There's no reason to settle for less, so I say move on and find the person you deserve. And that isn't his friend who looks so good to you right now.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Jumping from one relationship to the next is not ideal. Dump him because you obviously don't want to be with him, not because you want to be with his friend. I'd also say to leave him alone, he's moving away and you should respect that. You want to talk about codenpendency, you're still in a relationship, you're already trying to seek another out. Convalesce, and be single.
ecolizzie ecolizzie 9 years
DEFINATELY break up with the bf. I was in the same situation this summer. I was friends with my ex's, best friend for 3 years, and dated by ex for 2 yrs. I had always had a tiny crush on the best friend, but he was always unavailable, and so was I. This summer I had a revelation about my boyfriend and broke up with him, and started seeing the best friend a week later. I have NEVER been happier, and am sooooooo in love!! Good luck!!
Essav Essav 9 years
I'd just like to point out that the reason your boyfriends friend may look like such a great catch is because next to your boyfriend anyone would. Get rid of the loser and then ask yourself if you can find what you like in his friend in someone else. You'll probably realize that the friend isn't all that unique and special, he's just better than your boyfriend.
spiceG spiceG 9 years
here's what I thing at a time honey. First, you need to break up with your boyfriend. You have moved on in your mind and for a lot of great reasons. Dont feel ashamed for this. breaking up can be difficult, but you do not have to explain the world to him. Chose one thing that you feel as been the straw that broke the camel's back and tell him that you no longer want to be in a relationship. you can explain that you do not want to be in a relationship at all. guy's have a way of accepting this mentally - as long as he doesnt have to measure himself up to someone else, he will also move on. so dont mention that you have been "looking" or "have someone else." it just hurts too bad. Second, you need to take time for yourself and really look at what you want from a guy. to say that this other guy is what you want, will likely be so far from what you deserve. right now you are looking thru the eyes of a girl that is a terrible relationship (anyone is going to look better than what you got right now). So what I am saying here is break up and move on with only you in mind. then, and only then, move on. and his pile of loser friends is not where you should first start looking.
trixydisco trixydisco 9 years
Oh Tara, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I got injured and my boyfriend helped me NOT a bit. His excuse after I healed was "You're so independent, I thought you didn't want help" I realized many other things were wrong in the relationship too, there was no communication, and no team mindset. I left him, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but a couple years later I found my dream man and he's my husband. We have a great relationship. Tara, your boyfriend is so inconsiderate and selfish, you deserve much better. Believe in yourself, and everyone else will too. As for the other guy, you should be on your own for a while first. And eventually, you'll find someone, just be true to yourself!! Love, trixy
frieddumpling frieddumpling 9 years
Yeah break up with your boyfriend to get with his friend!? That sounds like you're not such a good girlfriend either. Say what you will about him not being as sensitive or caring etc., but not having feelings anymore is one thing, but breakup to get with his friend is LOW. And well if his friend is a good friend, he won't get with you. So my advice is don't ruin your reputation (any further) and don't tell the friend and make their friendship awkward when there's really little chance of you and his friend working out. Clear your head.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
Please ditch this looser- you obviously dont have feelings for him anymore. Which has lead to interests in this other man... Remember- do what you want with your life. If you really want to, tell this other man how you feel!
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