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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: My Friends Want to Party and I'm Over it

Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: My Friends Want to Party and I'm Over it

Dear Sugar and Settled Down Donna need your help. She's married and all her girlfriends are single and ready to mingle. She doesn't want to feel like the outcast, but she's just over the party scene so what should she do?

Dear Sugar,

I have been happily married since last summer and we just moved into our dream house together. I love my calm and comfortable life with my husband, and when Friday night comes along, all I want to do is have a quiet night at home. The thing is, my girlfriends, whom I've known since high school, are still single and love to go out and meet guys. They constantly call me and try to persuade me to party with them, but I'm totally done with the whole loud, drunken bar scene.

I try to get them to come over to my house, or go out to a nice dinner together, but they're just not into it. I really don't blame them for wanting to live it up and have a good time, but they make me feel guilty for not going out with them "like we used to." They are constantly ragging on me for acting old and boring. I do miss hanging out with them, but they won't do what I want to do and I won't do what they want me to do so do you have any suggestions on how we can meet somewhere in the middle? I don't want to lose my friends just because I'm married. — Settled Down Donna


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Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I've been through this. Try to go out to dinner with them occassionally or just get together for drinks. Go out once a month and just deal. You'll end up having a good time in the end more than likely anyway. I also have our friends over at least once a month for a good party/get together. Especially in the summer, you can have everyone outside and it's not as much clean-up. Most of my friends use to talk a lot of junk when I went through this phase. Now they are all going through the same thing and all of a sudden they understand. If they are your real friends they will still stick around. You all need to work together and take turns being the bigger one.
richandfamous10 richandfamous10 9 years
Sorry, but I honestly think you are being extremely selfish. And your friends being somewhat selfish as well. You would go out of your way to do things you don't like to maintain your relationship with your husband. Why not do the same for your best friends? Just because you are "so over" the bar scene, doesn't mean that you can't partake in an activity that makes your friends really happy. They obviously miss you and want your company and I agree with so many comments, that they can also do things that make you happy, such as a nice dinner or watching movies/shopping. They need to work from their end as well to maintain their friendship with you. But honestly, unless you have kids, you can suck it up and go one or two Fridays out of the month for a night on the town with your best friends. And remember, a quiet dinner on a Friday night may not be THEIR ideal way of spending a Friday night either - it's you that has changed, so you can't expect them to change too just because you are married. Honestly, a quiet night in is the last thing I'd want to do on a Friday night, married or not. I just know that I would give a little for my friends, and expect my friends to give a little for me. Stop being so boring!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I kind of agree with Trixie. It's not like the asker said, "my friends and I just can't seem to find anything to do anymore because they are so immature!" She said that they wouldn't even go out to dinner with her or come over to her house. So many people responded, "well go out to lunch or dinner, compromise!" It doesn't sound like they are really willing to compromise, that the only thing her friends want to do is go to nightclubs. No matter how much you like to go out, it's immature not to want to do other things too, like go out for cocktails or dinner or brunch or god, just stay in one night a month for a movie night! I don't think she should totally ditch these friends, but they don't sound that great. I mean, leafonthewind, you can be unmarried, go out once a week, and still find time to do something low-key with a friend. If all of your social events include getting wasted and getting ass, yeah you are immature and this has nothing to do with the whole married vs. unmarried battle!
Marci Marci 9 years
Friendships change as we travel down the course of life. I was the last of my friends to settle down so I know all the phases of the group of girlfriends, from the first marriage to the last, and it's hardest on the first since everyone else is still into going out and partying. My own take is that you have to accept that your life is different but theirs aren't. Make some new friends who are also married while maintaining your old friendships. Have the get-togethers on weeknights, as someone suggested, or do lunches on weekends; that sort of thing. But you can't expect them to change just because you have.
emma- emma- 9 years
Great comment, sunland.
sunlandseagirl sunlandseagirl 9 years
I suggest opening up to your friends and telling them how you feel. There were alot of good socialising suggestions above. But if neither party can compromise I say keep the channels of communication open. Call now and then and ask how their night was/How they are doing etc....... .....But NEVER throw away friends. Friends come into your life to enlighten you and provide a new persepctive...they're not supposed to be carbon copy's of you.............. ..............Even though you may be at different stages in life it doesnt mean that a call/email from them wont have the power to lighten up some of your sad days. Chances are some of those bar stories will give you a good giggle at work.............. It's amazing the reasons people can find to hate each other instead of love..........
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
I dont know if your comment was directed at me, but I personally find anyone immature if they cannot put their own needs aside for at least one night, to have fun in a way that their friend can enjoy. They should at least have a little respect for the fact that its not the funnest thing in the world for a married lady to be among friends that are scouting for ass. I'm not saying she shouldnt participate in some of the things they want to do, but the art of the compromise is that both sides have to give in a bit, and it sounds like these party girls dont want to, at all. So yeah, that is selfish, and immature, and it has nothing to do with being unmarried and everything to do with the fact that they have not learned at all to put others first (good thing they arent married, then!)
leafonthewind leafonthewind 9 years
I really resent the implication on some of these responses that unmarried=immature. It is a lifestyle choice that is just as valid as marriage, and nobody should need to apologize for being single and wanting to enjoy it.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
I dont think you should have to feel bad because you're growing up and they arent. They sound immature. Maybe you need better friends, because it sounds like they only want to spend time with you on THEIR terms. If they cant handle ONE night of a quiet dinner with friends...then what the hell is wrong with them? Is it that hard to put down the cosmos and coke straws for five seconds if you truly care about a person? Some friends. You need new ones.
emalove emalove 9 years
Aw, that sucks...I feel bad for you :( Lucky for me, my friends and I are all the same age, we were into the bar scene at the same time and over it at the same time. All through college and up until around age 25, I was literally hanging out at a bar every night of the week. So were most of my friends. We loved the social scene of getting together for drinks. But gradually, we all started getting married, starting careers, etc. and we all grew out of that whole party all the time scene. I still love going to bars, just not the same college-scene/clubby type of bars I used to go to. Maybe you can find a low-key bar that serves food and has pool tables, etc. that you could hang out with your friends at. That way, they're still getting that bar/social scene that they love, and you're not having to deal with obnoxious drunk 21-year-olds everywhere. You guys could get dinner and play pool, have some drinks...a low-key, fun night. My other suggestion would be to organize a "girls' night in" at your place once a month or something. I'm sure your friends could give up ONE night a month at a bar. And you guys could have some cocktails, make dinner, gossip, play games, etc. at your house. I love nights like that with my girls. Good luck :)
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
You and your friends will need to find a compromise- either alternating between the activities that you enjoy and the activities your friends enjoy, or finding a third activity that isn't staying in or going to bars that you all enjoy.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I totally agree with a lot of what has been said, and really agree with McReverie's post. In addition to taking that advice, you also may want to find some new friends that have similar interests to you, like coming over for dinner or simpler girls' nights out. Don't feel bad for wanting to spend time home alone with the hubby either!
lms lms 9 years
I was never really into the bar scene b/c I am not a drinker and smoke bugs me. So I got over it really quickly. When I got married my non married girlfriends and I(and other married ones)would regularly go to concerts, shows and dinners. We had large girls night outs. I don't think anyone invited me to a club, but they already knew how I was. If you stopped liking clubs before getting married I would say that you don't have to go, but if it is a "i'm married now and above that" kind of thing I would probably go with them once in a while.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
DON'T go out to a bar with them, that is just asking for trouble on so many levels. the friends night in would be fun. or a sunday brunch for just the girls. when you first get married there is usually a "nesting" period where you don't see you single friends as much. then it relax's a little. how ironic that they rag on you for wanting to stay home with your man when they are all out looking for one of their own.
aimeeb aimeeb 9 years
I can see both sides of this. I've been the big partier and now I have a long term boyfriend. I got bored with the bar scene but who am I to put down my friends who go and act "above it." Everyone at one point WAS into it so whether you became bored of it, have a boyfriend or are married that's no reason to act like you're suddenly better than those who choose to partake in it. I feel like it's condescending to say that to your friends, there are 1001 ways to make other plans and politely pass on bar outings. You may be married now but that's no reason to forget what it was about to be young and single.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Wow. I'm shocked and disgusted by some of the arrogant comments some of your married girlfriends made. How negative of them. I'm married, but I don't harbor a condescending attitude towards my single girlfriends.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
maybe is just me...but I have never had to use the "i'm married now" excuse...I find it extremely annoying...and insulting to other people. my friend got married AFTER i got married and all of the sudden she starts trying to talk on my behalf because..."WE married people don't do that"'s ridiculous..our group of single/married friends has no contact with her anymore because the moment she got married she started acting like she was better than everybody else!! because her love was true and forever and she was above all the bullshit!!!??? I'm lucky my friends UNDERSTAND that if I want to spend the night with my husband, I will...and when they get a guy and they want to stay away from the group for a while we UNDERSTAND...luckily friends get along with my husband and sometimes he's one of the "girls"... :p
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
well since i moved to another city when i got married, i dont have my single friends to be choosy with =( i miss them ALOT. BUT my husband is kind of in ur situation, because almost all his guy friends are single and they want to go clubbing and what not with him. but since id be alone he doesnt do that. but i think u and ur significant other should set a couple nights a month for girls/guys night. on that night, u can go out with ur girls...i mean i was single at one point but i didnt spend every night out trying to find men, thats kinda pathetic! have non-men fun! is that so hard??
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
i don't expect my married friends to want to go out or be available for every trip because their lives are busy with their career, so any time they have to spare, they want to be with their hubby. but my married friends also don't sit under their husbands and convert to "wifey". they still have their own lives and activitied separate from married life. i did once have a friend who was in her 20s and got married, and she didn't want to do ANYTHING but sit under her hubby. she ditched us, and was arrogant and gave that "you're not married" speech. she would say things like, "when you get a man you will understand". rude b*tch (no longer friends, but not because of this). and when she got divorced, (he left her for some low class girl that had a kid out of wedlock and no type of post-high school education OR a job), she was all over us again. but after her a*sy attitude, no one had any wrap for her. she would show up to things that she was "above" when she was married and try to be like the "old days". it's like, we're not like Ziplock Bags . . . all in all, be careful how you treat you friends during all of this . . .
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
You better get use to the drift . . .it's gonna happen. it seems like you're kinda like, "i'm married and i'm ABOVE clubbin' now . . ."; i mean after a while, they may just stop asking you to go out. and that's where the drift begins. then, they will also get married, have children, etc. and you will hear about it via email instead of being the friend who buys the pregnacy test, or helps pick flowers for he wedding. that's what happens when friends get too good for friends . . . i doubt that you really feel this way, but i'm sure there are other factors to this situation.
Meike Meike 9 years
I'm so glad I have friends who are versatile enough to vary their activities. I can chose not to go clubbing/drinking with them and I can chose to go shopping with them instead. And, quite honestly if she's done with the party scene she shouldn't have to suck it up and go to a bar as her single friends go out and 'meet guys'. What is she suppose to do? Hang around while they do that? How insensitive. They should know she can't do the same thing anymore now that she is committed to her husband.
red4bonez red4bonez 9 years
you should just explain to them that you just want to stay home with the hubby or want to have a quiet dinner. Maybe you could have a dinner with them during a different day of the week and that way you get to spend time with them and thy get to spend time with you and everybody is happy =)
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Most of my friends were like this until we just hung out in a different way and now they love it. It sucks being the only married one in your group and I'm the same way.
Jillz1128 Jillz1128 9 years
I too have been on the other side of this equation. The biggest issue I had was when my married friend kept telling us single girls things like "I'm so glad I don't have to go out and try to meet guys at a bar" or "Don't you hate having to go trolling like that?" She would also invite us for dinner, but it was very awkward to have her husband sit there with us. Try inviting them for movies or out for coffee and be willing to listen about her wild nights, and work on showing them that you are still you. The main thing is that married girls often make their single friends feel like they are lesser, even without intending to.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
I say have a girls' night every once and awhile...we all need that. Your friends should understand and respect that you are married. People change and thats okay! Its call "maturing"! I will be honest some of my relationships changed after I got married..I didnt mean for them's one of those things. Your interests change and there's nothing wrong with that. Like lemassabielle said they should compromise.
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