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DearSugar Needs You Help: I Can't Move On

DearSugar Needs You Help: I Can't Move On

DearSugar and Shattered Sharon need your help. She's having a hard time putting her breakup behind her, and could use some inspirational words of wisdom from anyone that's experienced a broken heart.

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of over three years broke up with me a month and a half ago because he said he didn't love me anymore. While I heard what he said, I'm still stuck at point A. I know I need to move on, but instead, I'm holding out hope. I think about him constantly. I go out and have a fun time, but he's always there in the back of my head and it's affecting my day-to-day life.

We've talked since and he told me that while he cares for me a lot, he wouldn't be true to himself if he stayed in the relationship. I still have unanswered questions in my head: How could he just not love me anymore? Was our relationship a sham from the beginning? Is there someone else? I don't want to be sad anymore, but I just don't know how to move on. Do you have any tips for mending a broken heart? — Shattered Sharon


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JennyPlaysGuitar JennyPlaysGuitar 8 years
I also wanted to expand on what I said earlier about finding day brigtheners. For me, it's been helpful to plan out one thing everyday to look forward to, even if it's something small. For instance, Monday, I have a supper club, Tuesday, I plan to call Friend A. Wednesday, I'll have coffee with someone. Etc. I don't like to have any day of the week that I can't plan something to look forward to. It's easy to find yourself in a rut if the day stretches out before you without something to break up the day. So be intentional about planning something for everyday. Something small just to help you get over this rough season. Seasons end with time and better days are ahead. In the meantime, little day brighteners can help you cope while you move forward.
JennyPlaysGuitar JennyPlaysGuitar 8 years
So I'm really glad I stumbled upon this site. No guy break up, but a best friend left me a couple of months back and I have not been able to move on. This is fabulous advice! People have not been very supportive on my end, trying to push me to move on prematurely and to "Get over it." It's nice to know I'm in good company emotionally with people who understand how much relationship meltdowns suck. I agree, stay away from watching his wall on Facebook and Myspace... delete him if necessary. I know that may come across as unkind and you don't want to hurt him, but right now, you need to tend to your heart. It's not all about you, but sometimes we all need to make sure we're taking care of our own needs. And right now is one of those times. Right now, your heart needs some care. Don't feel bad about giving it what it needs. Watching my friend Facebook with my "replacement" has set my healing back. I ultimately had to take a break from these sites. I also deleted her number out of my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to text her. Before I deleted her, I'd occasionally do so... and obviously not hearing back was pretty heart breaking. Chalk it up to another set back. God loves you, girl... and He's going to take care of you. Do what you have to to make it another day... and remember that you deserve to smile. You deserve to be happy. So find little day brighteners to keep your mind out of the gutter. Yes, you should definitely grieve... we can't properly move on until we've grieved. And we can't grow as people without grief. But we all need breaks. So find things in your day to get your mind off the breakup. Call a friend and try to talk about other things. Go for coffee with someone. Pick up a new a hobby or re-kindle an old one. Whatever it takes. Day by day, you are healing and day by day, you are leaving this behind. You have great days ahead of you, friend. Keep moving forward because there are lots of smiles to be enjoyed in your future.
kisses25 kisses25 8 years
I would like to recommend to read the book when God writes your love story...every break up is one step forward to the our mr. right too, i had a 4 year relationship..he's my first love, first boyfriend...after few days of break up, he's in a new relationship...i felt betrayed but we cant do anything but to let them go...just read the book and you'll be healed...we have to remain faithful to the right one even we havent met him yet...and pray hard...let God writes your love story :)
ebegley8 ebegley8 8 years
No way-- you also left for a reason. Don't let jealousy be a reason to pull you back. It rarely works out in the long run. It's not worth it to put yourself through the mental anguish. De-friend or block... it's honestly the best thing to do.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
On a side note, if you were the one who broke up with him. Is it okay to check his facebook to see the # of girls flocking to his rescue and leaving cute messages on his wall to comfort him?
ebegley8 ebegley8 8 years
I went through this last spring. A relationship of 5 years... and a broken engagement. We were living together and he did it over work email. ..that's right. It was a shock and right before my birthday so I went home for the weekend and came back to find all of my stuff put in our 2nd bedroom and I was made to live out of there until I could move out. It was horrible. I moved home which was difficult, but having my mom was an incredible help. Definitely cut all contact and DO NOT check social networking sites to see what he's doing. Then let me tell you, if he blogs, NEVER look at it. He's made his decision but will still go through ups and downs. Don't hold out hope, because it has to be over. You can't build a solid house on a poor foundation. Even if you were to get back together, you'll always question it. I got involved in after-work activities, like golf and softball. It was nice to not have to answer to someone. After 3 months at home, I was ready to move on. Moving out was a little difficult, actually more so than when I had gone to college, because my mom and I had gotten closer than ever before. About a month after being back out on my own, I found someone I was interested in, but I was so upbeat and positive about life and the lessons I had learned, I couldn't help but radiate it. When you truly love yourself, others will love you. I have now been with this new guy for almost 6 months and it's amazing. Everything I could ever want and more... and SOOOOOO much better than what I came from. Hindsight is 20/20... you'll see. Be strong, I promise you something so much better will come to you.
geebers geebers 8 years
Aw I feel for all of you girls- I had this situation for two weeks when my boyfriend was not sure about us. Same feelings- felt lied to, felt betrayed, etc. And I consider myself an emotionally tough person but this time- I was a complete mess. I was so sad I could not even cry. It is normal to feel this way -despite how depressed you are. When you devote your time and you give your heart to someone else- it would be abnormal if you DIDN'T feel that way. The advise jazzy and others gave was very good. And above all -DO NOT CONTACT him. I know it is hard - heck I struggled every single minute for those 14 days - but I did it. If I can do it, you can do it. Delete his number or rename him to something else. Delete him from facebook - it sounds mean but trust me- it is the best thing to do right now. You don't need to see his status or his wall - it will drive you nuts.
Cinderella69 Cinderella69 8 years
yea juicebox07, i was thinking it was a good idea to keep in contact too because i felt better knowing i hadn't completely lost him as he promised we'd still be in eachothers lives... but a couple of times he hasn't responded to my ims wen i can see he's online. it just hurts too much...and it is me instigating the contact. it just feels crappy knowing that he COULD contact me....but he just doesnt want to. i'm slowly having to accept this. he doesnt want me. . . hmmm. . .theres just no way to accept this without feeling like a big fat pile of rejected cr*p!!... he said he still needed me in his life as i'm so important to him... and he would never ignore me etc etc... i'm starting to think he was just saying this to keep from hurting me more... i just want to know he is hurting as much as me i guess...but it still won't change the fact that we are over. i'm slowly realising this. facebook is a killer... i know i should delete him... one day il do it. . . i think i will take every1s advice and not contact him. it just makes you crazy when they dont respond... or dont respond in the way you want... it is seriously hard tho. what i don't understand is how he finds it so easy to not contact me....
juicebox07 juicebox07 8 years
I am in the SAME boat pretty much. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a month and a half ago. He said he still loved me but that our lives are going in different directions and he's not right for me. I was in denial for a while, but I finally realize that he's right. It still hurts though, but I'm getting a little better. I noticed people on here saying that you shouldn't have contact with him. That's what people have told me too, but I didn't listen. My ex is so important to me that I want him in my life, so we've still been texting each other and stuff. However, I feel like it's hurting me more because he's just leaving me hurt and confused. One minute he'll text me and act like he cares how I've been. The next I won't hear from him for days and/or he'll send me a text that makes me feel crappy. For example, we were texting last night and he called me "crazy". I didn't even do anything to him and it hurt my feelings. I ended up crying. I may take people's advice on here and stop talking to him. As hard as that is, I'm sure it's for the best. Same to you as well.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
i do believe when he said that he still cares for you but that he couldn't see himself being with you any longer. he made a decision that was probably just as hard for him as it has been for you. he is still talking to you and didn't cut you off and he did the best thing he could and that was to be honest with you. you are being foolish by holding out hope that he will want you back and you will not be able to move on until you let go of that notion that he just needs time to think about what he's doing. he made his decision and its better off that he did it now instead of in 10 years when youre married with kids and financial ties. he made a decision about what was best for him and i'm sure he will try to move on soon, and its time that you do the same. you don't necessarily need to go out and find someone else right away, but you shouldn't put your life on hold thinking he will come back to you. he won't.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
Cinderella, it's only been a week...cut yourself some slack! No one expects you to stop loving this guy right now. That's not realistic after a 2 year relationship. Just start loving yourself more. You are going to think about him all of the time for a bit....that's ok. But, please, do not call, IM, or text, and no FACEBOOK! That really is your first step, and it is a tough one. For me, literally I would have to walk out of my house and around the block when I would get the urge to call. Or, I called one of my friends instead, went to the gym, etc. If you can accomplish this one goal to start out with, that is the biggest step you will make, trust me. I know it's hard, because this person was in your life, and now, POOF he's not. IT SUCKS!!! You sit there and second guess everything, judge yourself, wonder if he is thinking about you, etc. Totally normal. Just know that we all have had the same internal conversations and doubts and gotten through it, and you will too. I also felt, I have all of this love that he doesn't want...WTF do I do now? One other thing I did which helped was to try to channel the love I felt for this person to other areas in my life, my family, my friends, my cat, my work colleagues, and most of all to myself. It is amazing how much better it makes you feel when you give a little kindness to others and they appreciate it. Also, just remember that you loved someone, and that itself is important and positive. You know, there are people out in this crazy world that are incapable of love, how sad it that? Be grateful that you are not one of them, and someday someone will appreciate your devotion. I hope you feel better soon! You will be ok.
Cinderella69 Cinderella69 8 years
its like i could have written this post!... all the advice is so great! i'm a week into my break-up from my two year relationship. he just 'didnt love me in the same way anymore' and so ended things with me... and i think i'm still shocked as nobody saw it coming, esp not me!! i'm so confused as to how this could have happened i'm just trying to get my head around the whole love 'fading' thing... all the things he said to me about getting married, and all our plans for the future just feel like lies... and even tho i feel lied to and so extremely hurt by him giving up on our relationship, he promised he would never let me go and that we would work through any problems we ever had, i still can't hate him because i just love him so much! i really truly thought that he was the one for me, and he always said i was the one for him, the only girl for him. i just feel so betrayed and such an idiot for ever belieiving him. He said he meant it at the time of saying those things to me... but it doesnt stop the hurt... i just love him with all of my heart and he's completely broken me... we've text a couple of times and spoken on the fone once, and im'd once in the week since we split... all instigated by me! ... i know i need to leave him alone as he said he needs time, and i no i do to... its just so hard going from having him in my life... to nothing! i want him to want to contact me but i know il be waiting for a message from him for a very long time... i keep looking at his facebook...i dont even no what i'm looking for and anything i did see, esp to do with another girl, would just kill me... i just want him out of my head! my girls have been fantastic and i have been out partying...a LOT...half-heartedly... but my mind is never far from him... i'm just waiting for the day to come when i can stop loving him. i don't know if its harder thats he just so damn nice, and been so nice about the break-up for me to get over him... at least if i hated him i'd have something to focus on to stop me loving him. . . .
BellaDoLce BellaDoLce 8 years
hmmm..what can a broken heart made??? me myself still struggle to heal my heart after 4 months with this guy..hush it's bout you know...well for me you had made the first step that is share..second is stop blaming's not you..there is no you in's because you stop blaming yourself, in my point of need make a list many times you have sacrificed for him..than him to movies selections,dress,tv channel, the end either you'll win then he is NOT in love with you as much as you do him..he's the winner?? then he just pretend this whole time or maybe you just being bossy to him?? whatever that is now you can learn what to fixed what to keep in your next relationship...third..never think that you'll never got someone to love again..sadness was made so happiness will be meaningful..come on don't be drowning in tears..wear your best dress, broken heart doesn't mean end of the world..cheers!!!!! smile!!! \^0^/
lexichloe lexichloe 8 years
The best remedy for mending a broken heart is to do things with those who REALLY LOVE YOU. Spend as much time with your best friends, your family, and the things that bring you the most happiness. Believe it or not, a few weeks is all it takes to get back to YOU. Actually, you'll probably be a hot guy magnet, b/c they can sense a newly escaped gal on the prowl. Good luck.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
Read this book and follow its advice --> "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" By Grey Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt :) It really helps! But the most important thing I would recommend is cut off all contact with him until you have actually and really moved on.
Smilesp Smilesp 8 years
I think everyone has given really good advice. I definitely support the no contact rule. It doesn't mean you can never talk to him again, but you should wait until you feel that you are really over him. The no facebook/myspace rule is good too, but almost impossible. I saw a picture of the guy who broke my heart and his new girlfriend on facebook yesterday and I think my heart fell out of my butt. Try not to torture yourself with facebook/myspace. The fact that he's dating someone new doesn't change if you cyber stalk him. The only advice I would add is to just try to accept what is. You can't control what your ex has done or will do. Concentrate on the things in your life that you can control. I like the saying "You can't control what happens to you, but you can control the way you react to it." Turn your negative experience into something positive!
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
OKay, so I wrote a novel, and obviously I'll never be done, but I didn't mean better than him in a conceited way, but you're free now and this is just a another step in life. Don't in anyway take this as "there was something wrong with you." "It's not you, it's me." Cliche but true, lol. They're not willing to care or try at this relationship. Doesn't really sound like much marriage material in that case, not being able to be honest from the get go usually leads to diminished love. It sucks. But we have to move on.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
OKay, so I just completely broke up with girlfriend just like half an hour again. Well, she broke up with me. Well we were on a "break" and she was leading me on for awhile because she didn't want to hurt me, but was finally honest and just let it go. Well anyway, um, I feel free. I do feel hurt, but I realize, it happens. Supposedly this guy according to my brother David D'Angelo or someone said "it's good that it happened, because something bad might have happened later on." But anyway, the one thing I'm happy is that she was honest with me and told me that she doesn't feel the same way or love me like that anymore. And as much as I begged her how I can change that (considering I'm like the perfect guy right now, despite not having a job I would find a way to give my true love the world), she's just not that into me! So I am greatful for these past 3 years of being with her and being her friend because well I am who I am now partly because of her, and I don't regret my life or her really. I'm really hurt but I feel free, and I'm even telling myself, "I'm single, I'm a Bruce Wayne, I can travel the world and flirt and meet chicks, and do what I want, even move to another country." At this point, I don't want to be with anyone, because I don't want some fallback chick, and I'm just not into a relationship, because, though I've been working on myself and am better, I would rather take care of number 1 at this point. So just tell yourself, you're free! You will find a better guy, a great guy better than him! Because you know what, life can always only get better. You can roam the world if you want to, you only have to worry about yourself and you can do whatever you want to. :) It'll be hard yes, as you've noted, but it can and will be done, you have to give everyone in life a chance if you do meet someone! Your situation is EXACTLY the same as mine, down to the very words eh told you. Just give him the credit of at least being honest. And don't beat yourself up! It's noting you did, it's not what you did, if anything give yourself credit the greatest credit you can for surviving the initial breakup and being able to actually go out. When I first when on break I didn't eat or sleep and even just stayed in my room until I cried myself to sleep until around 5am, then slept all day till I could get up. Hopefully you can at least sleep at night now. Only you can cut ties, if you have to you're going to have to cut all ties with this guy even if for at least a little while to properly get over him. Anyway, if you want to talk, pm me, maybe we could give each other pointers or something. Good luck with everything and remember, you're better than this. You're better than him!
refinedharmony refinedharmony 8 years
I went through this earlier this year!! Even when I thought I was "over" him, I was still convinced that he was "the one" for me and I'd never find anyone as amazing as him. They say that for every year you are together it takes one month to get over, so for me (and you) 3 years = 3 months, but I found it was more like 6 months. If you can resist, do NOT check myspace/facebook. It just reopens the wound when you see pictures of him being happy, at parties, with other girls, and finding out who's writing on his wall etc. I told my ex to change all his passwords because... girls do crazy things! It was hard for me to admit to him that I'm a snoop post-breakup but I wanted to protect both him and myself. Find a group of friends that have NOTHING to do with your ex...perhaps the only way they know him is through you anyway, so it doesn't matter. Finally, something that has really helped me, is DATE NEW GUYS! I joined and even though I haven't found "the one" (not even close) it helps me clarify what I am looking for since it gets cloudy after 3 years. Even the occasional wink or e-mail on match, knowing that some guy is interested, is enough to boost your confidence!! There's no magic word to make the pain go away.... the simple answer is time. It will take time, and a lot of it. Each month it will get easier even if it doesn't seem like it. I know it's sooo hard but good luck!
totygoliguez totygoliguez 8 years
jazzytummy that was great advice!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
People fall out of love and it's nobody's fault. It's not that you weren't good enough, or maybe even not that you're not right for him - he just stopped loving you, and weirdly enough, that happens. Happened to me, a long time ago : I just fell out of love, and I still don't know why, but my feelings for this great guy were just gone, and I had to leave. It was heartwrenching. Don't blame yourself, don't think you need to change - and follow the other girls' (and guy's!) advice, and focus on yourself, and take time to heal. Your life is not over, it's just hurting for now.
onetwothree onetwothree 8 years
You are not alone! Lots of hearts were broken this holiday season, including mine. Your relationship was real! No one was faking it. He's been thinking about breaking up for a while and putting it off because he DOES care for you and doesn't want you to be hurt. He just knows that you're not "the one." You are not a bad person! Neither is he. In fact, he did one of the hardest things in the world. You will feel sad for a while. It's okay. Crying is okay. Your friends and family are there for support, even if you just want to talk. Hang out with the ladies! Exercise and do lots of stuff that takes your mind off him. This is difficult. Listen to new kinds of music. Do different exercises or exercise in a new place if that was something you did with him. Try new foods and new places to go. Try on new clothes. Look good. Plan something. Plan to run a big race and train for it. Plan a trip, like a mission trip or something. Plan for something you will look forward to doing by yourself! Something you've always wanted to do (backpacking in Europe). You don't have to get out there in the dating scene right away. It will be hard to trust another, but it can happen! Someone will love you more than the last guy. Just give it time and don't be expecting anything off the bat. Hang out with your guy friends, or guys where you know nothing will spark. This puts a man figure in your life with no expectations. Have fun! It will be a roller coaster! If you like to paint, then go ahead and get all your emotions out on paper (buy a cheap Crayola pad of large sheets of paper, some kids finger paint, whatever, and go to town).
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
Wow Jazzytummy, that is some pretty amazing advice! My boyfriend just broke up with me a couple of weeks ago as well, and I take solace in knowing that it was just simply 'not meant to be'. It might suck, you might be sad, but someday you will look back and realized that if this didn't happen, then X wouldn't have happened and then you might never really would have met the man of your dreams! Hold out hunnie- this guy wasn't it, but he IS out there!!
gbychan gbychan 8 years
I'be been there, girl. I'd echo some of the things above, but also suggest something: Take of journal writing (or typing), if you haven't. Whenever you find the urge to talk to him, or some unanswered question bouncing around in your head, write out your thoughts. It'll get it out of your system for awhile, and you won't suffer the embarrassment of begging to get him back or anything. Hang in there! :)
austerity austerity 8 years
Great list, jazzy.
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