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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Can I Say No to Being Her Bridesmaid?

DearSugar and Not Into It Natalie need your help. She was asked to be a bridesmaid in her husband's best friend's wedding, but she has no desire to accept the challenge. Since her husband is in the wedding on the groom's side, she doesn't know how to get out of it. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

A friend asked me to be in her wedding. My husband is best friends with the groom, but the bride and I hardly know each other. I feel like she only asked me to fill a hole in her wedding party and I have no desire to take on this responsibility. Not only do I not have the time or money, I'm not this girl's biggest fan. If it was anyone else I'd simply tell her I couldn't afford it, or didn't have the time, but my husband is in the wedding so I feel like my excuse isn't valid. Is there a way for me to say no or am I stuck?


cheekyredhead cheekyredhead 8 years
Have you considered simply spending some time with her to find out if you and she could become friends? Sometimes life brings people and circumstances into our lives for a reason and perhaps you need to discover what that is before dismissing it.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
Just be honest, no reason to spread yourself or your finances thin unnecessarily.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i would sit her down and tell her you're very busy, explain why, and let her know you'd love to do this for her BUT if she is going to require a lot from you then she might want to choose another friend....give her the out to ditch you...but if she says it's fine, then suck it up for the sake of your husband
Lawrah Lawrah 8 years
Please tell the bride. My maid of honor put me through the ringer. She kept telling me she was coming and insisted on having her own dress made. I never saw the dress and she kept avoiding my questions. I gave her several times to tell me she couldn't be the maid of honor. I was very accommodating. But it got to the point that I had to call the airlines to see if she really booked a ticket or not. It was very stressful and I caught her in several lies. Our friendship ended after almost 20 years. I realized she was jealous of me. Looking back on it, it was the best thing not having her there and I don't regret what happened. But please if your heart isn't in it or you're strapped for cash just be honest.
chardonnay chardonnay 8 years
I was in a wedding once that I had no desire to be in. Believe me it sucked. I was hungover because I didn't want to go so I drank too much the night before. And I was pissed off that I was stuck with this ugly green velvet looking 70's dress that I had to pay for. By all means get out of it no matter what you have to do. You'll be much happier and so will the bride.
MrsRachel MrsRachel 8 years
Make sure you talk with your hubby first! That way he doesn't get blindsided by something from his friend! Then go and have a heart to heart with the bride. She actually might be just as uncomfortable! One the couples I know always make sure to include the spouses in everything--even if it doesn't really make sense! There could be some of that going on here.... Good Luck!
codewhiz codewhiz 8 years
I say it's easier just not to have bridesmaids/groomsmen in the first place.
Sugafine Sugafine 8 years
Yes, that is a valid point about the husband. I didn't mean to leave him out. Always keep your home happy. Find the facts, and be honest.
starangel82 starangel82 8 years
GKitty and popgoestheworld and both right. Discuss with your husband first. You may need to suck it up and do it. Other wise, just be honest. I told an acquaintance that I wouldn't be comfortable being her bridesmaid since we had only know each other for a few months. I asked her if I could do anything else. She said it was perfectly okay and asked me to be a server. No hard feelings.
Sugafine Sugafine 8 years
In our country we have had enough people lying to us and see where it has gotten us. The Bible says, "the truth shall set you free". Free yourself from your internal thoughts and JUST SAY NO. I am a Southerner, so I would also add a little sugar with your NO......offer something that you can do, since they thought enough of you to ask. Kindness and Courtesy begots Kindness and Courtesy!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I agree with GKitty that you should talk to your husband. If it would impair his relationship with the groom you might need to just suck it up. If he doesn't care one way or another, then just be honest (except for the part where you tell her you're not her biggest fan).
ang1885 ang1885 8 years
Tell her the truth!!! Trust me. I was in the same situation and did it and still have regrets. You shouldn't apologize for the way you feel and if you do it you'll regret it too. Apologize kindly but don't feel guilty.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree -- tell her the truth. Tell her (gently) that you do not have the time or money. The truth is fine. Besides, you don't have the inclination either so that's more of the reason to decline the offer (of course, don't confess this reason because that's unnecessary and rude :)).
lelove lelove 8 years
I agree with what's been said, I would be honest and say that you are busy and just don't feel comfortable filling the role. If I were a bride, I don't think I would want someone to be in my wedding if they were uncomfortable or resentful about it. I'm sure she'll find someone else to take your place if she really needs to!
greenapples1987 greenapples1987 8 years
well if your husband is going to be in the wedding, there must be some money somewhere between you two, after all he has to buy/rent a tux, so i think you should just stick it out. i know you feel like you're just holding a spot, but maybe this could be the begining of a friendship between you and this woman..go to the bridal shower and the bachlorett party and see what happens:) you've got to try!!
GKitty GKitty 8 years
Ask your husband, he may have volunteered your don't want to make him look like a fool.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
I told my (now) sister-in-law that I didn't feel comfortable being her bridesmaid because I didn't really know her yet, but I'd be happy to sing in the ceremony, or whatever else she might need. She actually took it well and asked a long-time friend to take my place. I'm pretty sure she asked me out of formality anyway - we truly didn't know each other back then and she thought of me more as the annoying little sister. Now we're close and it's fine. Anyway, if you're tactfully honest with this woman, she might actually be happy to get off the hook - maybe her fiance is the one who encouraged her to ask you since your boyfriend is in the party.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
If you don't want to do it, you should tell her so she has the opportunity to find someone else to fill your place. One of my bridesmaids decided that she didn't want to be in my wedding approximately one month before my wedding date. I was stuck with having to get another bridesmaid (luckily, my cousin was very willing to step in for the girl that bailed), but I had to find a dress for her on extremely short notice and it was just extremely stressful. So if you don't really want to do it, I'd just be upfront with her about it: Explain that you're honored that she offered, but that you don't feel comfortable being her bridesmaid.
medenginer medenginer 8 years
I would just explain to her that thinking of you to be her bridesmaid is an honor but you must decline. The time, effort, and availability that it takes to uphold this position can't be carried out by you but thank you for the offer. I'm sure you want family or close friends for this position. I prefer to have a more casual aspect in the wedding like audience member. I have so much else going on right now the most I could do is attend a party and help the best man. It seems they are his friends and not yours. Your not obligated to do anything you don't want to do.
TinaDenali TinaDenali 8 years
Or you could be honest with her and just tell her you don't feel comfortable. Say you would feel bad being in her wedding when there is someone else that is closer to her that she'd much more enjoy being in her bridal party. Even if she is just using you to fill a spot walking down the isle, she probably isn't going to say no to you, she'll probably feel silly for even asking you in the first place.
Poppie Poppie 8 years
Just tell her the truth, may be difficult but lying can only cause problems than the ones you already have.
chatondeneige chatondeneige 8 years
I'm not sure why "I'm so sorry, I'm so happy for you but I've been so busy with x, y, and z that I just wouldn't have time to be the bridesmaid you deserve!" isn't on the table? Then make sure you're "busy" and not showing up to the suit/tux fittings, etc, and only there for important stuff. I don't usually advocate lying, but I'd rather you lie now than cause drama in their wedding closer to the big day.
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