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DearSugar Needs Your Help: He Cheated and Now She's Pregnant

DearSugar Needs Your Help: He Cheated and Now She's Pregnant

DearSugar and Bursting with a Secret Samantha need your help. She found out that her boyfriend's best guy friend cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant. Should she tell the wife or stay hush-hush?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend's best friend has been married for four years and has a three year old child. This sleaze-of-a-guy slept with a 20 year old (who also happened to be a client) and now she's pregnant. My boyfriend and I were under the impression that his friend was happily married, but I guess not.

His friend is freaking out and said he won't take this girl to a doctor for a pregnancy test because he doesn't want to declare paternity, yet he doesn't want her to consider an abortion either (I'm not kidding, this is what he said). Of course he also doesn't want to tell his wife, and doesn't think he'll have to. He thinks this girl should have the baby, he can just visit it when he wants, and still keep this fling on the side.

Part of me wants to tell his wife, but the other part of me is fighting the urge. I really couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell her but my boyfriend says that it's none of my business and it would put him in a bad spot for betraying his trust. I happen to think the wife deserves to know so what should I do?

—Bursting with a Secret Samantha


tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
Go tell her! And then you can all team up and beat his ass!
missro21 missro21 9 years
If you are not friends with this woman, I would send an anonymous note giving her clear detailed information that can not be traced back to you or your boyfriend. Maybe just send a note: Your husband is a cheat, call _____. And give the girls info. I think cheating is so bad these days that it is almost pointless in getting married.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
I agree with others, tell the dude that his secret is out and he needs to fess up, or you will.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
Ouch. This is horrible. Honestly, the wife needs to know. How horrible do you think she will feel when she finds out when the kid is 4 or 5 years old. It will come out - men are not that good had hiding things. If you don't feel comfortable knowing this information and you don't want to tell her face to face, send her a letter without your information. If it was me, I would rather find out via a letter than think my marriage is perfect and find out some other horrible way...
DCStar DCStar 9 years
I would pressure the husband to tell his wife, but I would certainly never tell her myself.
laurarose520 laurarose520 9 years
I was torn until I saw that he wanted to keep the fling on the side. What a skeeze. His wife needs to know.
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 9 years
the wife should know. she should not have to be in a relationship with such a scum bag. and this guy should learn to take responsibility for his actions like an adult, which he clearly isn't.
jJuliet jJuliet 9 years
Tell her anonymously (or try to convince her in person) that she needs to talk to her husband about something important. You don't have to come out and say exactly what it is. You can either say that you know, but you think she needs to hear it directly from her husband, or that you "sense something is up."
mrspiven mrspiven 9 years
wow. what a horrible situation. i'm sorry you're stuck in the middle, so to speak. my take on it is it really isn't your secret to tell, as hard as that my be. i would, however, deeply encourage the man to fess up. remind him this is not going to be an easy secret to keep, and i wouldn't be beyond threatening to tell his wife, just so he'll tell her. i would not bear the bad news, though, its just not your place.
Angel77 Angel77 9 years
Well I'm of 2 minds here, as much as I think its no ones business except the main people involved, I also think the wife deserves to know! I know that if it was me I would so definitely want to know! All I can add is good luck to you and the wife!
HazeLiciouS HazeLiciouS 9 years
I think first you should talk to him first n' convince him to tell his wife himself. turning himself in might just get the forgiveness from his wife. If I was in that situation I would want to hear from him rathan than anyone else... However, if he believe he can get away w/ having a family on the side n' not letting his wife know, he just plain crazy. I don't think you should tell her because it's not ur business ... the situation is between them 2 let them deal w/ whatever outcome.
mominator mominator 9 years
If it was me I would want to know. I say if you have the nerve to tell her then go ahead it is the right thing to do. I can say I would tell her but I know in my heart I would not have the nerve to do it myself. This will not be the last time he cheats on his wife plus he is evidently not using protection and his wife needs to know that she is being exposed to possible diseases.
pinaychic5 pinaychic5 9 years
that REALLY sucks to be torn like that. but for me, i would tell the wife especially if we're friends. even tho their marriage may have not been going great or it may not be my business, its still wrong to cheat on her like that and the wife deserves to know the truth.
sh1nynewlove sh1nynewlove 9 years
either way the truth will come out soon... it may be hard to just tell your friend about it... maybe give the guy a chance to tell him or you tell her after a while... another way may be to drop hints around her.. so you wouldn't have to drop the news for her... maybe she will figure it out for herself..
plasticapple plasticapple 9 years
Tell her anonymously.
Marci Marci 9 years
Does he seriously think he can hide a child from his wife forever????????? This guy is the stuff they scrape off the bottom of boats and his wife, in the long run, would be better off without him This isn't a case of his just having cheated and you can turn your eyes to it. This a major, and I think you and your husband should present a unified front with this guy and tell him he has to tell his wife or someone else will - meaning you. Friendships should NEVER be expected to protect or condone this sort of behavior. Why would your husband want this kind of person as his best friend at this stage of the game?
omilawd omilawd 9 years
He's not going to be able to support the baby and still keep it a secret from his wife. She'll wonder where a lot of his money and time are going. She'll find out on her own; keep out of it.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
What the hell kind of fantasy world does he live in that he thinks he can carry on this double life without his wife finding out.Keeping secrets never works and this is a huge one,( something i know i would want to be told)and they almost always have a way of coming back and biting a person in the ass.Definitely expose this delusional loser ASAP and let his wife have the opportunity to decide what she wants to do.If she's smart she'll dump him immediately before the sh*t really hits the fan and find someone else who deserves her love and trust.He surely doesn't care nor does he respect his wife, his marriage vows, or the child they have together. He's obviously made it very clear that he's not worth it.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Wow, what a mess! Not sure what to do about this one!
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Although most women with a brain would want to know. The truth is most likely nothing will change if you do tell her, and you'll be seen as the bad guy! They probably have a horrible relationship to begin with especially for him to have the nerve to go out of the marriage AND have a baby!!! She probably puts up with so much obvious red flags and signs but is a dumb ass who decides to stay anyway!!! I say at least wait and see how things play out, wait and see if the girl even has the baby. I have a feeling like previous posters have stated who have gone through this you'll be seen as the villain!
demeter demeter 9 years
He doesn't think he'll have to tell his wife? WTF!
desertbanshee desertbanshee 9 years
Just because you tell her doesn't mean she will do anything about it, or that she even wants to know. Her knowing will not change an already dysfunctional marriage - even if she confronts him. He may turn it around, make it her fault he cheated, and she is the one who ends up apologizing to him. I have seen it happen, please take my word on it. And, yes, they shoot the messenger. MYOB!
desertbanshee desertbanshee 9 years
You're never going to believe this, but I have been in this same situation, and I told. You know what? It change NOTHING. It has been 9 years, he still constantly cheats, the WIFE had another kid with him, and they still have a crappy marriage. Was I glad I told? I thought she would want to know. I would. But she did not. All it did was make me look bad for telling.
nimue nimue 9 years
WOW...what a sleazy bag.not trying to moralize but this guy is seriously deluded I think that his wife should be told, somehow. however, their friendship may end if he tells because the friend will feel betrayed
Rachelleybelley Rachelleybelley 9 years
tell her
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