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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Her Mr. Perfect Has a Girlfriend!

DearSugar and I Want Him Wendy need your help. She thinks she's found her dream guy but he's unfortunately not available. She doesn't want to break them up, but at the same time, she thinks they could really have something. What should she do?

Dear Sugar,

I started a new job a few months ago and I met the "perfect guy." He's super cute, smart, witty, talented — in short, he's everything I've ever wanted in a guy. So what's the problem? He already has a girlfriend! I'm not sure exactly how long they've been together, but she lives in another state and is planning on moving here to be with him right after she finishes graduate school, so I assume it's pretty serious.

We get along great and we've become pretty good friends in just a couple of months. We hang out after work, just the two of us, a couple times a week and we have great conversations. So what do I do? I actually met the girlfriend once and she seems pretty cool. I don't want to break up a happy couple, but I also think we could potentially have something amazing together and I just want a chance! Should I just keep being friendly with him and see what happens? Should I tell him I'm, interested? Should I make a move? I'm really confused and need some advice.


Join The Conversation
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
I can't believe you had to write a letter to ask this - what is wrong with girls like you?
Dollylo Dollylo 9 years
I've been in the "girlfriend's shoes" and so the only thing I can tell you is: show some respect and leave them (him) alone! ;)
xeunyce xeunyce 9 years
I'm sorry but i despise women like you.
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 9 years
Now, IF THEY BREAK UP, you better move fast and move hard!
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 9 years
Besides the fact that it's disrespectful to his girlfriend to move in on her SERIOUS boyfriend, I think that what you put out into the universe will come back to you. Whether you try to "steal" him or whether you simply tell him that you have feelings for him, I think it'll come back to bite you in the ass in one way or another in your life. Karma's a bitch. Do the right thing.
onesong onesong 9 years
i'm sorry, this sounds totally psycho: "I don't want to break up a happy couple, but I also think we could potentially have something amazing together and I just want a chance!" you're saying you don't at the same time you're saying you do. i'm glad that you're having trouble giving yourself permission to act here, because it shows that you're not too far gone, and maybe are just in the throes of a really intense crush. however, to echo most everyone, let him alone. he's not yours, he's hers, he's taken, and for you to make a move on that would do nothing except prove that you are not really worthy of finding the perfect guy. just remember: if he were perfect, he'd be single.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 9 years
Whats there to do? Nothing really! You can pour your heart out and either get your feelings hurts or he'll cheat on his GF with you but that wouldnt make him Perfect. A Perfect guy should be all that youve describe but most importantly SINGLE! Remember Karma's a evil Biotch. Good luck and keep your mouth shut, There are too many men out there to be after someone's who taken. no worth it.
Advah Advah 9 years
I was about to post the same thing, Popgoestheworld. If he's interested in you, he'll let you know. Also, I'm afraid you can't say that someone's a 'perfect guy' unless you're dating him. Your expectations might be higher than who he really is (even if he's a great guy). Think that telling him how you feel might ruin your friendship by making things awkward. See if you want to take the risk anyway (I still keep thinking that if he was interested, he wouldn't be with his gf, so you probably won't get what you're after). I also agree with Meike: we all don't need marriage to be in a committed, serious relationship.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I don't think you should say anything. If he's interested in you, he'll break it off with his girlfriend and pursue you.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Look, earlier I said that it was wrong to move in on someone else's boyfriend (yes, you can be serious and not married, sheesh people), and that even if she did, and he went for it, she probably would never trust him, but this doesn't even have to be a judgmental, moral thing. I mean, who wants to waste her time pining over some guy who is unavailable? Even if she tells him how she feels, he is STILL unavailable. I'm not suggesting she sit around waiting for their relationship to end, but as jessbear said, there is nothing wrong with remaining friendly while dating other people.
chenat29 chenat29 9 years
Girl...what kind of man is this!!! Why is he spending a couple of evenings hanging out with you after work when he has a serious girlfriend? If you were with this guy would you want to be sitting at home whilst he "hangs out" with the new girl from work? This is strange...if you were going out in group, all of his attention would not be focussed on you, it seems that he's enjoying your spending time alone with you, whilst letting you know he a gf. Sounds like an egotist to me. Do you think that, when his gf was moves in him, that he will be giving you the same amount of alone time?...truth is that you don't know, because you don't know him. So how can he be MR Perfect? Go out in groups, widen your circle of friends, find someone else.
ecco77 ecco77 9 years
If he's leading you on then he's not good company. If he's just being friendly then you're wasting your time. Either way, stop hanging out with him so much and find someone else. If he realizes he really wants you then he'll break up with his girlfriend and be a free man. If he doesn't you'll find someone who does want to be with you.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
omg! women like u make me so angry. so desperate. hes taken. would u like it if u were with him and some girl decides to pursue him anyway? wouldnt u call that woman a whore? something to think about.
Get yourself out of this situation before you become the widely despised "other woman." If it's meant to be with you and he, then it will naturally happen. Let him go...
avettafawna avettafawna 9 years
Its so much easier to call someone a homewrecker than to accept that love and relationships aren't always black and white. It doesn't make any sense to me that everyone should be so judgemental about a girl who has feelings for an attached man. If a couple is truly happy, and if a man is in love with a woman he is not going to leave her for some random coworker. Its when people are unhappy or unsatisfied that they ditch their girlfriends. I know it sucks to be single, but isn't it better than being with someone who feels unsatisfied with you? I personally am looking for someone who unquestionably wants to be with me and me alone, and so I urge the poster to move on from this man out of respect for herself, because all gf issues aside, he doesn't seem to want that from her right now.
jill37 jill37 9 years
He's definitely off-limits. BUT great guys often have great friends. Try to widen your circle a bit, meet some new people through him. Even better, the next time his girlfriend visits, suggest some group outing. You'll get the reality check of seeing them together and maybe meet some great, single guys at the same time. I've been in this position before, and in my experience, learning more about the girlfriend is the best way to stop a crush on an unavailable guy. Hearing him say all the things he loves about her might sting for a moment, but my guess is your feelings for him will fade pretty fast once you kill the fantasy. (But be careful -- if he starts complaining to you about his relationship, that won't be good for anyone!) Crushes are undeniably fun and exciting, so it's easy to get carried away with them, but in this case you need to make the choice to stop it.
Misskastar Misskastar 9 years
I agree with Trixiefire and the other (few) girls who are saying that this is just too much! The poster is asking for advice, don't crucify her!!!! She hasn't made a move yet, she can't control her feelings. I know we all have different viewpoints and interpretations of things such as relationship, commitment and love, but we can't be so mean to people that are asking for advice. Like others have mentioned, she WANTS to do the right thing! Who are we to judge so harshly? Here is my advice to POSTER: Ideally, you should stop hanging out with him so much, try to not intensify your feelings for him, find other guys and respect the fact that he has a girlfriend. If this is VERY VERY tough for you, like you have serious feelings for him and they don't go away then yeah ok speak up. But be prepared for him to either a.) reject you and have your friendship suffer perhaps or b.) go with it and dump him gf...and then you deal with the repercussions of that, whatever they may be. Best of luck!!!
TASTEthiss TASTEthiss 9 years
Being a homewrecker is never attractive. He's taken. Deal with it. And move on. Besides if hes willing to leave his "happy relationship" for a chance with you hes probably not as "perfect" as you think he is.
marvie1 marvie1 9 years
Move on. Don't be a homewrecker. Any girl who moves in on a taken or married guy is a jerk, and the guy who gives in to advances is worse.
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 9 years
Ugh, not cool. Spend some time figuring out what makes this guy the perfect guy, and then look for a single one with the same qualities. That's my suggestion
jJuliet jJuliet 9 years
I totally agree with the last comment--"All's fair in love and war"? Who comes up with these sayings? Just because people repeat something over and over doesn't make it true or morally right. I think there is harm in confessing your feelings. You will just make the situation more complicated for everyone involved, and although there is a small chance that he will leave his serious girlfriend for you, it's NOT a 50/50 chance.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
Nobody's perfect. If you think he is, then you obviously don't know him well enough. I've had crushes on guys before. And then find out they're taken. Know what I did? Move on. It's really in your best interests. Don't keep hoping, don't obsess, best to even minimalise interaction. I'm not saying you have to be some kind of "bigger person" and "sacrifice your chances at happiness". No, no, that is not true at all, and please don't think of it that way. This is for YOUR OWN GOOD. You really sabotage your own chances of starting something good with a guy who's available if you keep hoping and hoping to get together with guys who are taken. Who really wants all the drama and bullshit that goes along with love triangles? Even if you "win", it's a victory tainted with pain. Believe me, it's the sweetest thing ever to get together with a guy who likes you and ONLY YOU from the very beginning. If the saying "all's fair in love and war" is true, then I guess stuff like Pearl Harbor was totally fair, eh? I know, it seems weird to pull something that huge into this conversation, but edging in on a couple is pretty much the love equivalent to what that was to war. Man, that saying really pisses me off!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
I can't blame anyone for having a huge crush on a taken guy. I have friends who've had done so, and only one who actually was having an affair with a married guy. No, it didn't end in happy endings, unfortunately for my friend. But it's her own doing, and yeah, it's really sad. I'd suggest for you to back off though, as in, please do not try to put him in a compromising position (i.e. seduce him), because it's going to be awkward as hell since you two work together, and then you may have a chance of losing a friendship. If you want to confess your feeling for him, I'd say, why not. It's your own choice (not mine). 50/50 chance, you'll get rejected (then the awkward thing starts), or he'll change his mind about his gf and moves in on you. But you need to remember, if he changed his mind so easily about his gf, you probably will have that doubt/fear in the back of your head. And if he suggested that you'll be his hook-up (affair), I really think you should refuse, because most likely than not, it doesn't end the way you want it to end. I'd really suggest for you to really see where the move-in thing go with him and his gf, if it didn't work out with them (they broke up, she moves out, etc), then you can confess your feeling after you're sure that he's not just rebounding with you (unfortunately I've read enough Dear Sugar to know many girls suffer as the rebound girls). After he's FREE, it's ALL FAIR in love and war. But hey, that's just my opinion, I always stick to the golden rule of not doing things you don't want to be done to you. Everyone has their own standard of principle on how they want to conduct themselves. And yeah, I'm also a firm believer of: Karma is a b!tch :) I have male friends who have long distance relationship, and unfortunately, they're rather :cough: flirty (a little more flirty than what I'd expect from an attached male), but all of them are usually doing that because they think their flirtatious behavior is innocent since they're not leaving their gfs to be with the other girl. In their case, none of my friends leave their gfs for the girls who have crushes on them. Think it through.
Meike Meike 9 years
Ha, that comment makes me laugh. I have a co-worker in a committed relationship with her boyfriend of 20 or so years. They don't believe in the institution of marriage. Sorry, but some people take a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship seriously and give it the same treatment and commitment as a marriage. Some people are definitely 'off the market' ring or no ring. Those who are willing to infringe on any relationship, no matter its status--thriving or failing, are either desperate or have poor character.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
he isn't taken. he's single. until there is a marriage no one is off the market. what does "girl friend" mean anyway? unless you're in 8th grade; not much. he has made no commitment here to anyone so that means he's available. and like jen76 said "he can't be taken" he goes freely or not at all; his choice. would his "girlfriend" want him if he would rather be with someone else? strange thinking here.
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