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DearSugar Needs Your Help: I Can't Accept That She Had an Abortion

DearSugar Needs Your Help: I Can't Accept That She Had an Abortion

DearSugar and Devastated Danny need your help. His girlfriend recently admitted to having an abortion in her previous relationship and he's having a hard time accepting that part of her past. He doesn't want this to negatively impact their relationship, but he's can't seem to let it go. Do you have any advice for him?

Dear Sugar,

My current girlfriend told me that she had an abortion in her previous relationship, and I am left completely crushed. Is this something she should have kept to herself? We promised that we would never keep secrets from one another, but it feels like she just lifted her burden and dropped it right onto my lap. It's not that I don't believe in abortion — I'm actually pro-choice — but I just can't bear to think of her going through such a traumatic experience with another man; a man who didn't support her in her decision, who didn't help her monetarily, and who wasn't there to hold her hand.

I wish I could be the bigger person and accept her past, but I can't seem to get this scenario out of my head — I really wish she hadn't told me. How can I put this behind me and not let it affect our otherwise amazing relationship? — Devastated Danny


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godsend221 godsend221 8 years
Sugafine, I agree with you the first date probably wouldn't of been a good idea. In my situation it was the 3rd date, 2 days after the first date. Yea.....we went way too fast. Anyways, I think she should of told him much sooner than she did. Probably when they were developing their friendship. He would of been able to deal with his issues then and not have all the ties and pressures of the moment to deal with. I agree with your assessment of sin. Revelation 21 says liars, sexually immoral, murders will be thrown in the lake of fire. No question about it, God deals with sin all the same in the end. Mercy is what's required here. If she has asked for forgiveness from God and received it then she's good. No one can out forgive him. Yes we all have baggage, no doubt I have plenty. I just think mercy needs to be extended on both ends if they truly love each other. Abortion is a controversial issue and if they don't know God then true love is not there. Even those who follow Christ have problems loving perfectly because this is a continually growing process. I don't know if you have any kind of personal experience with this but I do. What amazes me is that he didn't see that something was wrong here. It can take years for the emotional issues of abortion to be delt with and that's if the person is trying. Most people just hide their pain. He needs to diffuse this situation by honesty and showing that he still loves her but has some issues he needs to work out and she needs to give him at least some time to do that. She has to recognize there are consequences for her sins just as we all have them. Some sins are more acceptable than others. I know that's not Godly but it's a reality for most people. Anyways, that's the solution I think is needed for this situation. Mercy on both sides.
Sugafine Sugafine 8 years
godsend221, Let me begin by saying Happy Easter and this day is about our Redeemer. Redeemer comes from the word redemption and vice versa, which we could funnel down to forgiveness. I think when we all come off of our pedastals we are as guilty or more guilty as others. If you are a believer then you know that sin is sin, there is no level. So murder or lying, it is classified as the same in God's eyes. But we live in a free society and it is important that we live and let live. If he can't deal with it, cool, just don't add to her pain. However, I strongly disagree with you about having word vomit when she just initially met him. On a first date, I think it is highly tacky and unnecessary to spill your guts. What I have found is that love allows you to be honest. I believe her love for him allowed her to free herself and share with him. In her defense, how did she know that he was the one. Furthermore, if this is not the woman he is not going to marry...he shouldn't be taking hisself through the drama. We all have baggage, some more than others, but we have to practice true forgiveness. I like what you said about your inner feelings and your relationship ending, that is why you attempt to get with people that are equally yoked in marriage and in dating. At the end of the day, is about responsibility. Good read by the way.
godsend221 godsend221 8 years
Sugafine, She should of told him all this way before you started dating her because this is going to be apart of her life for the rest of her life and if they get married, it's going to be part of both of their lives. By hiding it she blinded his eyes and led him to a place where he thought everything was cool with her and then drops this on him when he's most secure in the relationship. Sugafine, no one loves perfectly. You love someone the best way you can and you grow in whatever shortcomings are there. He's struggling to accept this because abortion is a difficult thing to cope with. His heart is full fear. Like I said before, he said he's not against abortion. If that's true than he shouldn't have a problem. The fact is he's against it and I think that's pretty plain here. He's got to re-examine himself and ask him if he's ready for this relationship. As you said, "love is as love does". If he's committed to her enough he'll stay with her. He does need to be honest with himself and honest with God. I've been in relatively the same situation. I regret the decision to break it off as abruptly as I did. My GF let me know right off the bat and I got scared and had to examine my judgemental thoughts. I decided that I loved her enough to work through it and commit to her and I did that for about a year and a half. I had some inner problems later in the relationship and had to break it off cause I didn't know if I could handle being with someone who had an abortion. I know that's wrong and stupid but as I said, I had inner self problems and had to deal with them because it wasn't right for me to be in the relationship like that and she deserves someone who isn't going to have this problem ever. Anyways, there's wrong on both sides here and they both need to consider that. There are consequences to our actions. Whether we like it or not murder is an act not too many people can accept. He will have to choose to accept her for whatever her past is. This is the mistake I made and I don't want people to make the same mistake I made.
Sugafine Sugafine 8 years
I am not confused at all with his comments, but I think he needs to dig deeper into the "REAL" problem and not add to her pain. He obviously does not know that not only did her past bf hurt her + her abortion decision hurt = one hurt lady. My thougths are if you can't subtract to the hurt, don't add to it. Being Pro-Life or Pro-Choice doesn't have anything to do with. If you love her today, then it's automatic or should be automatic that you love her for what made her the lady she is today...the good and the bad. Remember love is what love does. What you are doing is not love, unless you are going to leave her and end her hurt and wondering. Women are perceptive, we know what's going on, even with what you don't say. Don't underestimate her, she may leave you because she has learned from her past.
godsend221 godsend221 8 years
Jesi_oh, He say's that he's having a hard time accepting this part of her past. Honestly, I think he's saying he's pro-choice as long as it's someone else's girlfriend. Perhaps he's never given this issue a lot of thought and doesn't know where he truly stands on this and now has to confront his deepest feelings on this subject.
Jesi_Oh Jesi_Oh 8 years
godsend221, he said he's pro-CHOICE not pro-life and that he doesn't have a problem with abortions.
godsend221 godsend221 8 years
I have actually gone through this exact situation recently. It's amazing how similar this is. My ex actually told me on our 3rd date that she had this. I have been raised in church my whole life and I'm very much pro-life. I had to break up with my ex because I was having some issues with this because I didn't know if I could handle the baggage this could carry and because I was having some judgmental issues that, out of respect, she didn't need to deal with. In a way I regret this decision, I think I should of at least given this more thought and prayer before I made what I think was a rash decision. Learn from my mistakes. I don't care what anyone says here, the consequences of abortion are real and affect not just yourself but the person you love and marry. Taking a human life is among the most psychologically tramatic things a person can do to themselves. I don't care what anyone says, you are a good man for admitting the problem here. First, she was probably afraid to tell you this at the beginning because she thought you would reject her. That fear of rejection is probably what caused her to have the abortion in the first place. She should expect some rash feelings on this because the sanctity of life is a divisive issue and goes to the heart of our morality in society. My advice to you is do not make rash decisions given what you have just learned. Do everything you can to salvage the relationship. EVERYTHING!. Even if you have to have separation for a time period to work out the issues between you and God, do it. Rid yourself of the doubts that are going through your mind causing fear and the "fight or flight" mechanism to trigger. Perhaps this will open your eyes and mind to the issue of abortion that haunts our society today and you can be part of the voices of change in our society on this issue. Email me at, I really want to talk this out with you bro. Peace and love be to you.
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
Wow, good job being just like her douche bag ex who didn't support her.
cptnruthless cptnruthless 8 years
wait... you want her to be honest with you, but when she does, you wish she didnt tell you? cant have it both ways, buddy.
Jesi_Oh Jesi_Oh 8 years
well you're either trying to get out of the relationship, insanely emotionally immature or you're an a**hole. Take your pick
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
What it really sounds like to me is that you are self-centered and can't stand that anything could ever have happened to her that was more significant than meeting you. Life. Happens. If you love her, you need to accept that every life experience she has had has built who she is. She is the person you know and love today because of every experience she has had, and that includes things that were more defining and important to her personal history than things that have already happened with you. Dump her, now. It sounds like she doesn't get that she can do way better than you.
gidigirl gidigirl 8 years
You haven't a clue what being a loving, supportive partner entails.. I suggest you end this farce of a relationship and take some much needed time to GROW-UP! I truly have never heard such nonsense.. Poor girl.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I don't think your reaction is fair reward for the trust she's shown in you by telling you something so personal. Even by telling you her story, she must have had to stir up difficult memories, and you react by judging her, for whatever reason. I agree with the other posters - you are essentially adding to her emotional difficulty with the topic by withdrawing from her emotionally. Totally uncool, Dan.
HayleyStark HayleyStark 8 years
If ya don't wanna know this stuff, don't agree not to have any secrets. If that's the deal and she tells you, stop being a jerk and accept it. Agree with just about everyone.
kristyy kristyy 8 years
You're upset because her ex wasn't there to support her? I think you should be happy she did what she felt was the right thing. She couldn't raise a child with a man that wasn't going to be there and didn't want to bring that burden onto a new relationship. She trusts you enough and sees a future with you to tell you this. It's not like she's lifting a burden off herself - she has to live with this forever and to know that she chose to end a life. I think you're just being self-centered and the whole part about her ex not being there for her is just a sorry excuse. Be the bigger person and YOU be there for her instead of blaming the jerk and getting upset at her for what she did was best for her. Isn't it better that she came into this relationship without a child? The child here seems to be you!
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 8 years
Get over it. Does she think it was so tramatic or do you?? It was in the past move on.
Advah Advah 8 years
Wow. So you're being a self-concessed unsupportive, jealous boyfriend who still thinks highly of himself, because her ex-bf was unsupportive? And you even think that by trusting you enough to share something as personal and traumatic as an abortion, she is "dropping her burden onto your lap"?! I don't know what to say apart from you're a complete jerk. I really hope she figures it out quickly because it sounds like she deserves much better than you. Sorry if this is not a productive comment, but you should be able to read what you've written and realise by yourself everything that's wrong with what you said.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
In your post, you ask the question: Is this something she should have kept to herself? And the answer is: she trusted you enough to tell you this information and now you are judging her for it and only truly caring about how it makes you feel. So yes, maybe she should have kept it to herself only for the reason that you obviously are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to handle it. I honestly hope that she finds someone other than you, someone who will never judge her for her past and will accept and love her for exactly the way she is, past mistakes and all. Because that is what love is really about. Being mad at her because some other guy treated her badly is seriously one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. Yes, it is sad that she had to go through that alone, but why would that make you angry at her? I think that basically, you are most likely against abortion and you are judging her for her past behaviours because of this. I understand that you may feel shocked that she has gone through this, however that does not give you the right to judge her. Nobody is perfect, and until you live in someone else's shoes, you can never truly understand what a difficult decision that is for a woman. Now, let me ask you this: would you still have wanted to date her if she had a young baby/child when you met her, or would you have considered that baggage and not wanted to date her because of it? Because either way, Dan, no matter what actions she took, you seem bound and determined to judge her. Honestly, you need to find a way to get over this, QUICK if you intend on staying with her. Good luck
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
Maybe you're PRO-LIFE and you keep saying you're pro-choice to be politically correct?? If she having an abortion makes you see her in a different light and now you don't wanna deal with damage goods...let her go. She'll find somebody that loves her and her past the way she needs to be loved. If you can't deal with somebody else's mistake. Don't. Don't make her miserable by acting like you 'should'. Maybe you'll regret it later but what's the point if you can't be there for her 100%. No woman should be attached to anyone that is not with them (past, present, future) 100%. Some people can deal with situations like these better than others. Yes, a bit selfish but what can you do?
cherryblossom cherryblossom 8 years
oh i sorry i forgot to add this to how you can put it behind you and not let it ruin your "otherwise amazine relationship" -> suck it up princess, BE THERE FOR HER its about HER afterall not YOU
cherryblossom cherryblossom 8 years
I'm sorry buy if you love her as much as you say you do, this shouldnt be that big of an issue to you. Sure yes its a big issue to a lot of people, but if i found out someone i loved had an abortion i wouldnt be like this, and i dont think its very fair that you are being like this either. She has been keeping this and its probably been eating at her keeping it from you , so when she finally tells you, you act like this. Oh my god have you considered her situation at the time? her point of view? how it would have impacted her/ you life now? geeze it would be nice if you were maybe I dont know supportive of her instead of critical. Im sorry but god, get some compassion for the ones you love man.
geebers geebers 8 years
I agree with above posts. You sound like a self-centered jerk. I hope this girl sees right through your so-called "mr.sensitive" BS and dumps you.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Devastated Danny, please do realize, this choice probably affects her *a lot* more than it does you. She's the one that has to live with her choice completely. She had a life growing inside her, and she decided to terminate. Whether or not she thinks it's a big deal, it's something she will never ever forget. Maybe it will haunt her, and maybe it won't. But just like any other issue, you have to move on, if there's nothing else except your inability to accept the past, is in the way, then just move on, and never ever bring it up again. It will only hurt things. If you can't do that, then end it. It won't help her get through it any better, and it won't help you thinking about it constantly. It's just like any other major problem, drinking, or cheating, or whatever. The more you bring it up, the more it haunts you, and the more you'll never be able to move beyond it. Remove whatever negative influences regarding the situation, and just move on with your lives.
merie33 merie33 8 years
Sooo you're upset because the first guy wasn't there for her and didn't support her..yada yada yada bullsh!t. And you know what makes it bs? The fact that you're doing exactly the same thing to her. You're not supporting the fact that it happened. You're not holding her hand when she's reaching out to you for someone to lean on. You're not there for her because you can't see past your own bigoted judgments. Because even though you say you have no issue with it...something in this post isn't right. And it might not necessarily be the abortion per say, but it's something. Regardless though, the past is the past. She did it. She had a crappy boyfriend. Don't be the next crappy boyfriend for her. Get over it.
Smilesp Smilesp 8 years
You sound like one of those people who listens to someone else's problem and then has to come up with something worse to top it. This situation is not about you at all. Like everyone else has said, get over yourself and support your girlfriend.
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