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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Fiance Lied to Me

DearSugar and Lied-To Linda need your help. Her long-term boyfriend lied to her about being a virgin, like she is, and now that the truth is out and the trust has been broken, she doesn't know how to proceed. They love each other, but can their relationship survive?

Dear Sugar,

I have been in an amazing relationship for about a year and a half. At the beginning, I was honest with my boyfriend about the fact that I was a virgin, and he responded that he was one too. We ended up taking our relationship to that next stage, and now I find out that he lied to me about his virginity. He told me that his lie was eating him up inside and he loved me too much to continue the facade. My reaction was immediate hurt and disgust. I just couldn't believe this person had been lying to my face for so long! He said that he realizes this is not going be fixed overnight and that trust was broken. We had talked about moving in together, marriage, and kids, but everything has changed now.

I explained to him that when you're in a relationship, you owe it to that person to be honest about everything, including their sexual history. He's completely admitted that he's in the wrong, and he tells me that he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work, but I'm torn. What if there are other lies out there that I don't know about? Do you think that I am over-analyzing this situation too much? I know that he is hurting as much as I am, but I just don't know how to move past this awkwardness. I know that this can either ruin our relationship or bring us closer as a couple, so any advice would be a tremendous help.

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designerel designerel 8 years
i imagine it must be pretty devastating because you thought you were each other's firsts and that was not the case. whatever the reason for his lie-- maybe he believed you would've thought less of him if he wasn't a virgin, or maybe he really did want to get you in bed-- he seems very remorseful of his mistake now, and i don't think this is something that is totally unforgiveable. you said the relationship has been amazing thus far; is this lie big enough to give your relationship up?
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I will tell you straight up what I thought when I first read this: he lied and told you he was too because it was the quickest route to get you into bed. I would be wary of this guy if I were you. I just wouldn't trust a guy who started our relationship out on a lie.
Juliet-0970 Juliet-0970 8 years
Let's face it, no one is perfect. Everyone has made mistakes and has told a lie to someone they care about for one reason or another, whether small or big. I think with this particular lie, it wasn't meant to hurt you, rather perhaps to seem more attractive to you, because like a lot of other people said, if someone admits to being a virgin, telling them you'd been intimate with like 20 people doesn't seem so attractive or a flattering idea. But, the main point. He told you the truth. That shows what kind of man he is, because he totally could have gotten away with it. I don't know many men, if any, that would cough up to a lie with no chance of ever getting caught otherwise. I think he deserves to be forgiven, he is willing to do anything and loves you very much, thats not something that comes around everyday. There are worse things that he could lie about, trust me. My bf cheated on me and I found out from someone else, had I found out through him, I would've considered staying with him and I did love him very much. I wish he would've done what your boyfriend did and came out and had the courage and respect to tell me. This one sounds more like a keeper to me. Good luck
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
He probably lied to get in your pants...isn't it obvious??? as a virgin you would probably be more trusting of doing it with another virgin....now that the relationship is truly meaningful to him and he loves you...he can't live with the lie. this is funny...usually when a girl comes with a secret she wants to tell the boyfriend..everyone says "tell him" "tell him" "if he loves you he'll forgive you"....WHAT HAPPENED NOW? He's not worth of forgiving cause he told the truth???? ridiculous. If you love him, FORGIVE HIM.
stumbler02 stumbler02 8 years
I understand why you're taking this situation so hard. If you've only been seeing someone for a year and a half, it's easy to develop a perfect image of them and to assume they're capable of doing no wrong. But as time passes in any relationship, you will always realize through some revelation or another that people aren't perfect, and even those you thought were the exceptions are really just humans as well. It's a jarring realization, and I don't blame you for your reaction. That said, you have to face reality sometime. You need to understand that your amazing, perfect relationship is actually a human relationship which WILL have ups and downs, no matter how much you want it to be perfect. This is one of the downs. If you stay with your boyfriend, you will continue to have downs. It strikes me as immature that you would bail at the first sight of imperfection in your partner. Your virginity pledge reflects that about you as well--I presume (I might be completely wrong) that you've waited to have sex because you want to do it with the right person. It's of course honorable, but it also implies that you are putting a lot of pressure on your future, perfect mate, aka "the one." Let me break it to you: there is no "perfect" man out there. There are many wonderful, loving, honest men that you can count on to love you for the rest of your life, but there is no man who will never let you down. Ask any old married couple--do you think they've always seen perfectly eye-to-eye? In my opinion, all lies are not created equal. Like licketysplit said, this isn't the worst lie you could possibly hear. Is it really worth leaving your boyfriend over? If you think so, then good luck finding someone who will meet your standard of perfection. It's just not possible. Of course, you should keep your standards high and make it clear to your partner that lying is unacceptable. But remember that people DO lie. If I were you, I would be thankful that this lie was not a malicious one. Sounds to me like a white lie that just snowballed due to time. Don't make it more than it is.
RunnerGirl17 RunnerGirl17 8 years
get a life
perfectesque perfectesque 8 years
My husband did this but it was too late to be mad cuz we were married when I learned about it. Oh well! :shrug:
cubadog cubadog 8 years
When I read the headline I was really expecting the worst kind of lie and this is not the worst thing that he could have hidden from you. My friends now ex-husband lied to her about being a convicted sex offender and about having 3 children he does not support. So I think you need to put this in persepctive. Are you upset that he lied or are you upset that he wasn't a virgin when you met. Too much emphasis is placed on virginity, the fact is the only infomration you need about someones sexual history is if they have any of the STI'S that never go away. He apologized now you have 2 choices to forgive him and move on with the life you have started to plan with eachother or end it.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
honestly, why is this a big deal? he had sex before he met you and while he first denied it he came clean. it's not like he kept a prison record or a drug addiction from you. i think you need to decide right now if you can get past this and move on. if not, this "amazing relationship" needs to end. let him move on to someone that will accept the real him, not the perfect image that you seem to have. people make mistakes. who ever you marry WILL disappoint you and you will disappoint them.
piksie007 piksie007 8 years
i think it's important to look at the reason that he lied...he was probably doing it to make you feel more at ease around him, and his intention was not to hide something from you, at least initially. just work through it, think a lot about everything you two have together, and see if you can get over it or not. if so, stay together, if not, there's not point in staying together.
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 8 years
Forgive never forget.
happiness80 happiness80 8 years
Actually the OP never clarifies (from the post) that she was interested in dating only a virgin ... if that was the case, then this guy's lie would have been as "sinister" as the girl who posted on here who lied about being a virgin to her fiance as well.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
I don't think it should be easily disregarded that he lied to her, it shouldn't be taken this lightly. If she wanted to date someone who was a virgin like her, that's her choice. No one gets to say no or argue against that. Everyone gets to make the decisions that they want to and that should be respected. And i do not think that she wouldve rejected him for not being a virgin.
girlnone girlnone 8 years
I think virginity gets way too much attention in our society. Really, as long as he's not bringing home an STI from a previous partner, does it really upset you that much that he was with another woman before you? Or is it just that he lied to you? If it's the latter, then I don't think there will be a way to repair your relationship. If it's the former, then I think you two should sit down and have a nice long talk about trust.
Ster Ster 8 years
There seem to be a lot of people on this site with the same problem. I agree with another poster that the last post I read about this some weeks ago was about a girl in the same position and no one seemed to think it was a big deal. Why is this that much different? It's probably very simple, he lied about being a virgin because he was afraid you'd lose interest if he wasn't. If he was with you just for the sexual aspect of things, well he wouldn't have come clean and he probably wouldn't even still be with you. Breaking things off with him seems like overreacting to me, but in the end it's up to you how important this is to you.
happiness80 happiness80 8 years
I agree with the majority (so far). Its not deal breaker, because he seems really sorry about the small lie. At least he confessed before hand. A girl was on here a few weeks ago and telling us how she was keeping the exact SAME secret one day before her wedding - and everyone here was so forgiving of her. It really sounds like he lied to have a foot in the door of your heart - otherwise there was a very high chance you might have shut him out. I dont think it was malicious. Anyway, just give it some time. IMHO from a contextual point of view this is not a big deal.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
I didn't read the whole thing...I didn't have to! You don't get engaged within a year ("and a half") of a relationship. It's not going to last just based on that fact alone. You need time to get past issues and learn coping strategies, stressors, learning more about each other. More than likely this is going to be the only big secret that he has from you. But after it was done it probably was killing him whether or not to hurt you and tell you or just keep it bottled up. People don't usually know how to react when someone in this *world* says that they are still a virgin. He reacted, wrongly, and then how do you really take that back? In retrospect, the fact that he wasn't a virgin shouldn't be that big of a deal though. You will have bigger issues and he needs to know that if he tells you the truth, that you won't punish him or flip out. It's why guys lie in the first place. We're wired differently and they usually will do anything to make us happy and avoid a confrontation and in their minds, lying usually does this. If he's really your fiance, then please make sure that you aren't planning a wedding for many many years to come. Learn about each other so you don't have to question whether or not he's hiding something else. But also realize that any guy will hide something from you. It's a trust issue and they have to know that they can trust you NOT to flip out if they confide in you. (how backwards is that?? lol) Take a breath though and think how he must have feared your reaction if he said he wasn't a virgin. It probably wasn't intended as deceptive but instead as a way to bond with you and not make you feel bad. How many girls would feel inadequate if their partner wasn't a virgin and they were, you'd be so insecure about the other women that he's been with for no reason at all...and it's because simply that you are a virgin that you would think this (most, not necessarily you). If you love him then you can get through this and NOT bring it up for years and years to come. If you leave him, then your marriage would have been doomed anyways..sorry for being blunt.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
He made a mistake in lying to you, and he confessed the truth. I don't know your boyfriend. I wonder why he lied to you. Is he immature, or was he afraid you would reject him at the beginning of the relationship if you knew the truth? If you think the truth "ruins" your admitted "amazing" relationship, then perhaps I think it was reasonable for him to hide the truth from you. You have a no-tolerance attitude towards non-virgins. He wanted you to give him a chance. I have mixed feelings about this. It's a slippery slope when people ask about other people sexual/romantic history. Insecurity gets triggered, and all kinds of irrational conclusions are read into it. Personally, that's why I stay off that slope. Whenever a new beau wants to know about my sexual/romantic history, I inform him that that subject is personal and private, and it's off limits -- "I don't kiss and tell." That part of my history is NOT an open book to him. JMHO.
Harmonie1 Harmonie1 8 years
This truly is an awful situation, but it seems from what you write that your fiancee is truly sorry. I agree exactly with what Kait before me says, why did he lie about being a virgin? He may have thought that you would have rejected him if he wasn't. Maybe a small white lie turned worse and worse. That is awful and he should be held responsible for not telling you before things got more serious, but at least he has told you now. I tell you from personal experience, it takes a lot for someone to fess up to a lie that they could have gotten away with. He felt that he owed you the truth. That says something about the kind of man he is. But now it is up to you to decide. If you truly believe that this breach of trust cannot be undone or endured, then say goodbye. But first, think of the reasons why you are together and why he told you the truth when he could just as easily kept lying to you. He told you the truth without being backed into a corner and that must mean he does care for you.
Marlovestar Marlovestar 8 years
Did he tell you why he lied? Was it because he thought you would not love him otherwise? It's a very strange thing to be deceptive about especially for a guy. However, no matter what the reason is, it's a horrible feeling to not be able to trust someone and I would be very cautious with him until you find out what he's really all about. It's not fair to you.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
You're right. It does make you wonder what else he lied about. He has to convince you of why you should ever trust him again.
Marci Marci 8 years
What a stupid thing for him to lie about. And what an enormous breach of trust that lie caused. It makes you wonder what else he's lied about. I don't think you're over analyzing this at all. I also don't see how this very big deception will serve to make your relationship a closer one. Once trust is broken, there's always that question. It never completely goes away. We kid ourselves that we can make it work, and try and try to push that nagging feeling away, but it's always there, lurking. no chance of getting it back. In my own opinion, you never get that complete trust back again after discovering a lie. And no relationship is going to go the distance without unbroken trust. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but you gave your virginity to someone who lied to you. That would hurt me so much that I'd never be able to even consider a lifetime with that person. Find the guy who respects you from the instant you meet, not in retrospect.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 8 years
Considering that he did eventually 'fess up, genuinely regrets it all and wants to work things out, it's probably best that you don't just disregard him. Many guys wouldn't have confessed at all nor would they care enough to consider it. If you've been with your man for a long time and you don't think the virgin line was just something he used to get you into bed, maybe he has another reason. Was he afraid you'd reject a relationship with his if you knew he wasn't a virgin? Was he afraid he'd be judged? Ask him these things. I know it must be hard for you to deal with being lied to and not being his first, but only you can decide whether or not your relationship is still worth saving and if you can still have a happy future wih him.
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