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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Friend Invited Herself on Our Road Trip!

Dear Sugar and Wants to Be Alone Allison need your help! She's going away for Labor Day weekend with her boyfriend and they have been really looking forward to spending the 6 hour car ride alone but her friend found out where they're going and wants to tag along. How can she politely let her friend know that she's not invited without hurting her feelings?

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I are planning on going away for Labor Day weekend. We have been really looking forward to spending the 6 hours together in the car on the way to our destination. One major problem - a friend of mine found out about our trip and asked if she could tag along because she has friends and family at the place we are going to. She is too cheap to purchase a plane ticket and figured this would be a good opportunity to catch a free ride so she can see her relatives.

She wouldn't hang out with us once we got there but we still don't necessarily want company on the ride. I told her we are still toying with the idea of flying even though that's a bold face lie. I don't want to come off as selfish but my boyfriend and I really want to take this as an opportunity to have fun alone. Is it completely bad of me to lie and say we went ahead and booked our flight so that she doesn't tag along as a third wheel? What if she finds out? I would tell her the truth but I'm worried that she'll take it personally and get really offended if I tell her we just want alone time but I also don't want to just suck it up and let her come. What should I do?

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mlmoreno47 mlmoreno47 9 years
I agree with one-song. I hate it when people ask "can I come too" If I wanted you to come, I would have invited you. I have been on several road trips with my boyfriend (4 years) and I would have hated to have another person. It really is a great way to reconnect and share the same memories. I think you should just tell her that it is a vacation for the two of you and that you're sorry she didn't plan in advance for her tickets. She should not put you in that awkward position because it makes you look like a total bitch for saying no. I hate it when friends ask if they can tag along to a club or party that they weren't invited to and I see this as no different. It's not your problem she doesn't want to pay for a flight! Stay strong and let us know what happens!
Jennifer777 Jennifer777 9 years
Tell her that you need some quality alone time with your boyfriend. You don't need any further explanation than that. If this is a guy you are really serious about you need to put him ahead of other people in your life. I have a friend who does the same thing...I just got married and she expects me to put her ahead of my HUSBAND because she has known me longer. If itmakes me a selfish person to choose my husband then so be it. If this is something which could end your friendship maybe it is time to take a look at the quality of said friendship....
onesong onesong 9 years
i cannot stand when people decide to invite themselves to things--parties, vacations, dates, what have you...if you were wanted, you would have been asked. of course it's "just a ride." however, it is a ride that you have specific plans for, and it was extremely rude of her to include herself. you should absolutely not feel badly, at all, for not wanting her to intrude on any part of your long weekend with your boyfriend. the ride is part of the getaway, and it's as simple as that. you wouldn't feel badly for denying her access to your hotel room for six hours, would you? if this were a 20min ride, i would tell you to hush and take her. it's not. it's darn near a full work-day in a car, and you want that time with your bf, simple as that. so what do you do? tell her! simply say that you would love to be able to help her out, but you simply aren't able to accommodate her on this trip--perhaps next time. you do NOT, under any circumstance, need to feel obligated to make any sort of excuse. it's your car trip, and if she chooses to take offense at her out-of-line request being denied, that's her problem. have fun and don't worry about this any more, and definitely do NOT take her along. the nerve!
almostloli almostloli 9 years
keep us updated :P
trace-face62028 trace-face62028 9 years
Sooooo? What happened? :P
lms lms 9 years
I agree with Ash Maria as well. I don't see what the big deal is. Unless you have plans of doing "stuff" on the 6 hr trip that just can't wait until later it should not matter so much if she is truly your friend.
Eternity Eternity 9 years
tell her your backseat will be full of stuff. No room!
almostloli almostloli 9 years
proly you could tell her that your boyfriend doesn't really fancy the idea of adding extra person, and tell her not to take it personally since it's not just for her, but basically ANYONE can't join the two of you.
yoan190 yoan190 9 years
Just be honest. Tell her that you and your boyfriend have talked and you two wants the journey as an intimate journey. Just the two of you.
maggieNZ maggieNZ 9 years
Be honest. Tell her that you just want some couple time before all the relatives and that you'd be keen to catch up for a drink when you get there (or back). Don't lie, that's just disrespectful and if she really is your friend, then she doesn't deserve that. She'll get over it, it's not a big deal.
angrylilgurl angrylilgurl 9 years
I'd say to just tell her the truth. She may be upset for a bit, but hopefully she would understand. You could always suggest that she hitch a ride with her relatives (or another group of friends) or offer to pay a bit for her bus ride.
Curlychic Curlychic 9 years
I guess I also have to go against the popular opinion and go with ashmarisa on this...i don't see what the big deal is, its only a ride, its not like shes asking to stay with you? Who knows, maybe in the future you will need a favor from her too
Ercho Ercho 9 years
You are not being selfish, in my opinion. While I don't necessarily think a long car ride is the most romantic thing, if you do, and have been looking forward to it, you should definitely tell her no (politely and at least semi-truthfully). If you stress that this (the alone time) was part of your plans from the beginning, I don't think she can fault you, especially if you aren't always with him normally. Also... I realize this is probably too late, haha, but I wanted to comment anyway.
Marci Marci 9 years
Just tell her how you feel. I think all girlfriends understand when a friend wants alone time with her guy.
annebreal annebreal 9 years
From how you worded stuff, with "cheap" and "tag along" I have to wonder if your friend is a major mooch. I mean, a six hour car trip isn't a small thing. It's a lot of time and gas and effort. Plus coordinating dropping her off and picking her up. Sounds like a lot of frustration to me, let alone the alone time you want with your boyfriend! Like everyone else is saying, just be honest - especially if she's a good friend, she deserves the truth, just tactfully put. Tell her you and your bf want to spend quality time, relax, and reconnect, and some other time you'd be more than happy to carpool with her someplace. And if she is a mooch, I wouldn't feel bad about it at all.
lemlimora lemlimora 9 years
Be honest with her and let her know exactly what you just said in your letter. Let her know that you and your boyfriend honestly just want some time alone and that is the point of the trip. If she is a true friend she will understand.
Random2 Random2 9 years
She invited herself on a road trip with you and your boyfriend? I could see inviting her if you two were driving to get there in 6 hours, but from reading your post, it sounds like you two want to enjoy the ride. Just tell her that you're looking forward to some time alone with your guy and don't feel guilty about it!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Your "friend" is clueless and rude, simple as. Explain to her that there are only two people in your relationship and that those two people would quite like to have some BACKSEAT CAR SEX which you cannot have if there is somebody in your back seat. Or ignore all her calls til after the weekend. =) She doesn't deserve a decent reason anyway. How rude.
Michelann Michelann 9 years
I have to disagree with ash-marisa too, although I wouldn't go so far as to insult her for sharing her opinion. I've gone on a few road trips with my boyfriend, and I've found that the car ride can be just as fun and exciting as arriving at the destination. There's a lot of time on the road to bond or just enjoy being together. I think it was rude of your friend to invite herself along on your trip. I understand she wants to see her friends and family, but it is not your job to be her chauffeur. Even if you did want to bring her along, it is horrible that she expects you to be her "free ride". She would have to chip in for gas. I suggest you tell her how much you and your boyfriend were looking forward to your alone time, and apologize that you can't help her out this time. If she's a reasonable person and a good friend, she'll understand. If she doesn't, then she's not the kind of person you'd want to be stuck in a cramped space with for six hours anyway!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
Since you type that she's "too cheap" to purchase ticket, I'm assuming that she can afford to go by herself to see her relatives/friends/etc, but she just wants a free ride. Based on that, I believe that you should be able to refuse if you BOTH don't want her to tag along. Be honest and nice about why you don't want to bring her around (you may want some y'know "quick ones" during the way, etc). And be prepared that she may not like your reasoning and may choose to hold a grudge. I don't know whose car they're going in, but yes, if it's not your car (the questioner's), the bf has equal say in whom he wants to bring with him to this town. :) Plus, if he's going to be driving most of the way, and footing the gas, yeah, it's even more so, imho. Maybe your friend can't afford to go by herself? Or if she could, she may want a company on the trip over there too--it's not too fun to go alone, you know--hence she asked you (did she ask your bf too, if yes, what did he tell her? I mean, if he doesn't want her to go with you guys, he should be able to voice his opinion even in front of her instead of making you to be the "fall" guy). If it were me, I'd probably end up giving her a ride. It's just how I'm used to. I have friends who are too cheap to go by themselves, and hitched a ride with me (but that's when I took my own car). More often than not, they offer to pay half of the gas or the whole amount since I'd be driving them in my car. I didn't even have to ask them to pay at all. That's just how things worked for me and my pals. :)
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
And for me personally, all of my friends love my fiance and vice versa, and would probably enjoy the company on a long, boring car ride until the nice romantic (actual) destination is reached. Maybe if this is a brand new relationship for the poster, it would be a different situation, as her bf ma not yet be close with her friends. But the poster does not make it seem as though this a new relationship, so I will take my stance. The girls who forget their friends and do not place their friendships on EQUAL footing with their love relationships are the ones who get married and later wonder why they have no more friends.
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
Actually wiciltd, I said chicks=dicks, as you so put it. My wedding is next month so I am definitely not without a BF. And I still have kept all my friends from high school and college as a result of that philosophy. So pretty much your analysis of me as a person completely sucks in a word, and you probably are not a mental health professional, thankfully, which actually happens to be my graduate degree. I don't actually ask much of my friends, and on more than one occasion I was put in the same situation as the poster, and never thought twice about not helping my friend out. The same thing would go for my fiance, if the situation involved him needing the ride. It sounds like you have the problem, and a serious one at that, not me. You don't need to be a jerk on this board, I am allowed an opinion too.
wiciltd wiciltd 9 years
I am sorry ash marisa but your chicks before dicks philosophy is rather ridiculous... No one should feel guilty for wanting quality time with their other half I have a feeling you would be one of those friends who tries to leech off other people and think they should give it up because you're friends.. Or maybe you're just bitter because all your friends have bf's but you don't? When you make plans with someone and are looking forward to those plans with someone.. You shouldn't feel bad if you have to tell someone sorry..You can't join in If this girl was a true friend, she would understand why her friend wanted quality time with her boyfriend.. If it was just a 1h car ride to the next town I'd be all for it.. But as was stated it's a 6h car ride.. maybe they want to pull off on a dusty side road and get to know one another better wink wink nudge nudge.. or maybe they wanted to stop somewhere special like a tourist attraction or a restaurant.. Things that they really don't want someone tagging along on.. I say I agree with everyone else..and stand by my original statement.. Just tell her straight up.. She should respect this
ash_marisa ash_marisa 9 years
Its a care ride, my god, if she is really one of your good friends, you should be more than happy to help her out and let her hitch a ride. I am sure she wouldn't ask unless she needed it anyways. I may disagree with the other posters, but i think YOU are being incredibly selfish...since when did a boyfriend become more important than a friend? In all healthy relationships they should be on equal terms. It is onyl a car ride, you have all the time to spend together once you get there. I am glad you are not one of my friends. If I had a friend who wouldn't let me hitch a CAR ride with her to a mutual destination (even if her boyfriend would be there)when finances were tight, I would be extremely offended and drop her like a bad habit. She doesn't need a friend like you anyways.
clarapl clarapl 9 years
*hold a grudge, lol!
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