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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Sisters Are Unsupportive

DearSugar and Feeling Alone Faith need your help. She's planning her dream wedding, and her sisters are too jealous to support her. She's feeling terribly alone during this happy time in her life and doesn't know how to make things better. Do you have any tips for her?
Dear Sugar,

I'm having a destination wedding soon, and while I'm extremely excited, I'm also upset and let down. To make a long story short, I have two very jealous, very self-centered sisters. My one sister thinks that the sun rises and falls with her, and she is a self-proclaimed "princess." My other sister is jealous too and I've never trusted her.

I helped both of my sisters immensely during their wedding planning, but now that it's my turn, they can't be bothered. They've even decided not to come. Instead of supporting me, all they do is sit around and talk badly about me. Sometimes my mother calls and tells me the hurtful things they are saying and it breaks my heart. For the first time in my life I'm in a good relationship and am incredibly happy, but they are too begrudging to be a part of it. I am a single mom who has struggled my entire life up until meeting my fiance, and it seems like the better I do personally, the less family support I have.

I don't want their behavior to overshadow my special day, so how do I deal with my sisters who feel too threatened to come to my wedding? And, what type of relationship should I expect to have with them after the wedding? My friends say I should be happy they are not coming, but they are my family and I'm incredibly hurt. — Feeling Alone Faith


JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
My guess is that they don't like your fiancee for some reason unless they are just bitches. I have no idea if that is accurate but t definitely seems like that. Why would your mother tell you the things that they say. Sounds like she's just making it worse. I would just end the relationship with your sisters and let them know why and that if they need you for anything you'll be there for them but you can't trust them if you need help with something.
skigurl skigurl 9 years
okay, i just saw the poster's explanation, and i am really sorry that it has to be like this for you! but just enjoy it, and spend time with the people who matter and who support you!
skigurl skigurl 9 years
the weird thing is that the sisters are already married, it's not that they're unlucky in love and therefore jealous...strange
bchicgrl bchicgrl 9 years
WOW!!! things like that make me extremely happy i'm an only child. ssheeeshhh If i had sisters like that or hell anyone close to me acting like that I would insist that they don't come and ruin my big day. They can see the pictures when you get back.
itsme3683 itsme3683 9 years
Have a great time without them!! It's your big day, no need for jealousy there! Plus, think of how much fun family gatherings will be when it's YOUR wedding album that everybody's gushing over!
kia kia 9 years
If they are having so many issues then maybe you would be better off with them not coming to your wedding. I had an awesome destination wedding with one horrendous guest, a jealous sister. I am about nine months after my nuptials and my older sister is still trash talking my wedding to almost anyone who will listen and is not speaking to me. I am biased in my opinion based on my experience. However a destination wedding is more than a day, it can be a week with your guests... do you really want to deal with this drama from unsupportive people? Deal with your sisters and the issues of your relationships, but don't expect them to be jumping for joy now that you are getting married away from wherever your home is.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
why bother. Cut them out of your life after the wedding. Who needs that? life is too short.
ilanac13 ilanac13 9 years
i always think that it's a shame when family isn't supportive of your relationship especially when it's a long time in coming type thing. my brothers were INCREDIBLY unsupportive of my oldest brother when he got married and didn't make any effort to do more than show up at the ceremony and then leave. one didn't even stay for the reception. i think that you just need to acknowledge that they are who they are and that if you put more time and thought into why they are being mean, then you're going to take the joy out of planning and the event for yourself. i would ask your mother to stop sharing the things that they say with you since it doesn't help the cause. if there were a chance that if by sitting down with your sisters to understand why they are acting that way - if that would change anything then i would recommend trying to open the lines of communication - but if you know that it won't make any difference, then i would just focus on the people who WANT to be there and who are happy for you, and then deal with your family after the wedding. it's your day and they need to remember that on their wedding day the focus was all on them....
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
If your sisters really are as terrible and immature as you portray them, then I think it would be better not having them there anyway. And I also wanted to ask: why is your mom telling you nasty stuff that your sisters have said about you? That seems just as cruel, petty and unfair as the way they are behaving. Tell mom you don't want to hear any more nasty stuff that they say about you! I understand why she told you about the trip, and good for you for telling your dad that you were not invited. I think that all this did was to make your sisters look bad in your dad's eyes. Perhaps in the future you could plan a trip to see him without your sisters and explain to him what they have been doing to you and how much it hurts you. But I think your mom is causing just as many problems here as your sisters are, and it's time to put your foot down with her. If I were you, I would give my sisters a major guilt trip about the wedding (after it is over) like by saying 'oh, it was too bad that my 2 sisters couldn't be at my wedding, when I supported both of yours and helped to plan them.' However, I am not sure if this would be productive, since your sisters sound like evil bitches. Focus on your happiness, your fiance and your new life because obviously they don't deserve to play a large part in your life, whether they are your sisters or not. I agree, don't let them ruin your wedding.
CYL CYL 9 years
Don't need them on your big day you should focus on you and your new family :) deal with them later if you want to...but don't let them ruin your wedding too!
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Wow, your sisters really sound like b*tches! I say, no negative energy on your special day. Deal with them later, no need to agonize over it for the wedding. Extend the invitation, if they don't come, then fine... let them reach out to you over it, just try to have a nice wedding with the rest of your family! Good luck with it all!!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
uh, yeah. if they aren't going to be happy for you and since you obviously don't think much of them WHY would you even want them there? have your wedding, just the way you like it and enjoy that your sisters won't be there to drag you down. you have to be getting something out of the relationships with your sisters or you wouldn't keep going back for more. if you can figure out what that is you can be free of them. do you like to feel like "the good one" in the family, do you feel you have let them down in the past, do you feel guilty for the sudden turn around in your life? whatever it is you need to figure it out. just because you are related to someone doesn't mean they have license to shit on you for your whole life. you can say "enough".
nikki-12338078 nikki-12338078 9 years
I appreciate all of your comments. Some have expressed that they may not have gotten the whole story. Well, I, like most of you, are totally shocked about the idea that my own sisters have decided not to participate or even come to my wedding. When I first got engaged, 6 months ago, they were very supportive and one sister even told me if I needed any help to let her know. I thanked her and everything was fine. Well, that was then. Since then, my fiance and I decided on a beach wedding in Florida at sunset. When my two sisters found this out, their attitudes about helping me out went south. Now, if I was having the standard ceremony at a local church or establishment they would come. But, my own sister believes that her wedding (at a local hall) was the nicest wedding our family has seen yet, and she doesn't want any competition. At family parties at her house we end up having the same conversations about her wedding and she ends up breaking out the album. Which, I don't mind I have seen it many many times. But, I just wish the same consideration was given to me. We have not gotten into any fights, and I have not done anyhting to her to warrant this type of behavior from either one of them. Also, everyone in my family likes my fiance. However, both of my sisters have done something mean to me within the past 3 months. On Father's Day this year, both of my sisters planned a trip out to California this year, to see my dad. I was not informed at all of this, which that's fine if they don't tell me, whatever. Well, about a week before the trip, my mom told me that they were going and she also said that I am not supposed to know, so don't mention it at all. She told me that they don't want me to know, because I would wonder why I wasn't invited. This was news to me, since there was nothing negaive that had taken place with us. Well, I let them do there thing out there, and on Father's Day, I called my dad, who was out to brunch with them, to wish him a happy Father's Day. I told him that I would have liked to be there too, however nobody told me about it, and I wasn't invited. He was surprised about all of this as well, just as I had been. Then, about a 2 months later my sister called and said she knew that I was mad at her and "attempted" to explain the "misunderstanding". Well, the misunderstanding was all a bunch of ****shit. So, I had made up my mind to be a nice person and accept her "explanation". About a week after this happened, I called her to see if she wanted to go out dress hunting with me. This is when I found out that she probobly wouldn't be coming to my wedding, and she gave me a ton of reasons why. For example: I might be pregnant then and I can't fly, oh I might be pregnant now, my husband goes to school every Saturday and he can't come so i can't either, it will cost me too much money, etc... All of her excuses were totally fake. I know she can afford it, she's planning a trip to Vegas in Nov. They were all just total excuses. In general, both of them are jealous of everything that moves. All you have to do is spend a couple of minutes with them to notice. They spend most of their time putting everyone who has the same or more than them down. It makes them feel better. I suppose it's not the end of the world if they don't come. I might be happier anyway. Again, I appreciate everyone's comments.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
If they're such drags, why do you want them there? I mean, really?
emososays17 emososays17 9 years
While I understand why people may feel there's something missing I also can completely see how people are sometimes naturally like this. This happened to a friend of a friend's not too long ago. Her family for whatever reason was always jealous of her success and did just about anything to overshadow the happiest day of her life (like leaving the reception to tailgate in the parking lot and bringing 8 month pregnant women as dates even though they weren't the father and proceeding to make out with them on the dancefloor). Sometimes people are just naturally vindictive and self centered, I know it's hard because it's your family but try to just focus on your own happiness and don't be weighed down by their negativity.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I don't know if this is the full story here, either. I'm sure there are some families where one sibling is perfect and loving and the other two are just evil witches, but that does seem a little far fetched. As far as advice goes, I would have to say that the first thing I would do in your shoes is this: when my Mom called me to repeat all the horrible things my sisters were saying about me, I'd say "no thanks, Mom. Let's talk about what's going on in your life. Let's talk about my wedding. Let's talk about your grandchild. Etc..." If there is absolutely nothing you can do for your sisters and they just hate you with unbridled passion, what's the point?
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I agree with GlowingMoon, Jammi, and sundaygreen. How frustrating.. Just leave them be, they just want more attention and they're not being fair to you. Just focus on you and your fiance's special day. You don't need any of that negativity from your sisters.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
If they're not coming to the wedding, why would they overshadow your day? They sound like they are not worth worrying about. If you can handle being a single mother, you can handle your asshole sisters not coming to your wedding. All that matters is that you're happy.
Jammi Jammi 9 years
I agree with GlowingMoon, I know some people who would go out of their way to cut down someone else's happiness if the attention isn't focused on them. Are you the baby? Because this seems as if it's a long term issue and not something that just happened when you decided to get married. Like GlowingMoon said, focus on your wedding, etc. and ask your mother to keep their comments to herself. Politely of course, because all it's doing is bringing you down and that's not something you need before your big day. Surround yourself with your friends and family who can be happy for you without feeling threatened. Also, don't go out of your way to help them, they want to be spiteful and vindictive they need to see that their actions aren't going unnoticed and that as a result they're neglecting someone who loves them despite their cattiness. I know they're family and you love them but negative people need to be avoided as much as possible.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I'm in the minority here. I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt. I will take her story at face value. Unfortunately, I've come across relatives like her's. OP, it sounds like your sisters may be deficient in their capacity to love. It does NOT mean you're unlovable. Does that make sense? So don't take it personal about yourself. Don't be hurt. Their behavior says more about them than about you. Focus on your wedding, your fiance, and your happy decision to marry. Forget the sisters. Your attention and time is valuable. Apply it to matters that are positive and worthwhile. Don't apply them to your negative sisters. Make that choice -- make a deliberate decision about where and how your apply your attention and time.
CYL CYL 9 years
I agree with princess _eab. But if it is the case that you just don't get along with your will have to make peace that some siblings just don't get along. And you will feel much better to let that go instead of trying to make things work. I don't get along at all with my brother though I would love for it to work and have tried but we have opposing personalities and we just clash...the sooner you accept that with family you love them but don't have to like them the better. I know you want your sisters to go to your wedding...but think about all the stress of having them there if the relationship is as horrible as you state...and why can't you trust your other sister? What would she do to your wedding? Do you think she would sabotash it? In that case why have that worry. Just accept people are who people are....see them at family gatherings or what not and don't stress over it. Things will mend if the are meant to be...when wahtever isssue that has driven you girls apart passes. P.S. Why is your mom telling you all of that? Its like stirring the shit pot!
Michelann Michelann 9 years
I agree with Princess, it seems like we're not getting the whole story.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
I feel like we're not getting the full story on this. Why aren't they coming? Did you all have a fight, and they turned against you? Or do they have what they feel are legitimate objections to your fiance? Where is your mother and the rest of your family in all of this? I don't understand. You make it sound as though they are just naturally evil people - I don't buy it. Maybe they are being really immature, but I'd like some more information about your situation.
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