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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Is My Wandering Eye Normal?

DearSugar and Daydreaming Dotty need your help. She loves her boyfriend with all her heart but her mind has been wandering about past lovers and she's afraid of what it means. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. He's got just enough jerk in him to keep you wanting more, but he would also do absolutely anything for me and I'm completely in love with him. We've been dating for almost two years, we always have a great time together and the sex is fantastic! Recently though, my mind has started to wander. I find myself thinking about previous boyfriends whom I've had sex with and it's becoming distracting in my current relationship. I know what I'm doing is wrong because I'm feeling guilty about it, but I can't stop myself! I'm afraid that my thoughts may drive me to take action. What's wrong with me? — Daydreaming Dotty


lizlee89 lizlee89 8 years
flickster, I too think I understand what she means - I want a really nice, sweet guy who will do anything for me, but I don't want someone who is boring or a pushover. I totally et that. as for the wandering eye, I'm the exact same way! it's like, as soon as I get into a relationship I'm thinking about someone else. I know it sounds bad, but I just can't help it. now don't get me wrong; I've never cheated, but it is hard for me to stay focused on one guy. don't stress about it; just remember that you want to be with your boyfriend and don't indulge any of those temptations...
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 8 years
i thin ki might be the only one who actually understands your comment about him being "just jerk enough". lol my boyfriend sounds just like that. he pushes my buttons which i need. anyone who is too nice is awkward and makes me feel like i'm walking all over him. and you know what? I get the same thing. but i just make myself focus on NOT doing what i have impulses to do. the one time i got even close i felt TERRIBLE, just for talking about wanting. it was bad. and now i'm happier than ever. :)
EvilDorkGirl EvilDorkGirl 8 years
I think it's completely normal. I've done the same thing. Obviously you broke up with the previous guys for a reason, and it doesn't sound like you're entertaining the idea of cheating on him or even contacting one of your exes. I'd be willing to bet that if you give yourself some time to enjoy those memories, ahem, they'll go away in a matter of weeks.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I'm curious as to what context are you reminiscing about your past relationships. Emotionally? Sexually? Perhaps those are the things lacking in your current one. Or do you only reminisce when your bf does something jerky?
geebers geebers 8 years
Hm the "just enough jerk in him" comment concerns me...
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
totally normal, don't worry about it. he thinks about other women, you can count on that. thinking about something, and acting on it, are very different things. just because you're in love and everything's great, don't think that's all you'll every want. we always want more, it's part of the human condition.
hithatsmybike hithatsmybike 8 years
It's one thing to find other men attractive or entertain a fantasy every once in awhile, but it definitely should not interfere with your current relationship! If you're thinking the grass is greener on the other side all the time, maybe it's because your own lawn is dead.
opentypeA opentypeA 8 years
I agree with Spectra...maybe it would be healthy for you to take a break -- even a month or two -- just to see things in a different light. Sometimes that's all it takes for you to realize either 1. you love him and can't be without him or 2. your eyes were wandering for a reason.
candace87 candace87 8 years
Non-related to the post.. why are the girl in the picture's nails.. grey?
Spectra Spectra 8 years
If he's "just enough of a jerk to keep things interesting", maybe your wandering eye is a sign that you're telling yourself that the relationship is not 100% solid and you may be having second thoughts about it. You have to decide whether to stay with him and stop thinking about other guys, or get out of the relationship and move on to someone who won't make you think about your past lovers.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I agree princess_eab. That frightens me. I'd have to say it sounds like you're just going through normal stuff. It happens to everyone. Just make sure you're not looking because your boyfriend is more of a jerk than you want to deal with and if that is the case get out of there.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
"Enough of a jerk to keep things interesting" wow - I'm glad I'm done with that phase of dating. Zero jerkiness is quite enough for me, thanks!
austerity austerity 8 years
Watch it! Any relationship craves a little diversion once in a while. But it sounds like you've got too much to lose. Simply discipline yourself; do NOT give into this temptation. You can let your thoughts wander but do NOT act. It looks like you know exactly what's so great about your boyfriend. Keep reminding yourself of these qualities whenever you feel temptation. Otherwise you'll be sorry forever for losing your wonderful boyfriend.
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