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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Be Angry at Him?

DearSugar and Pregnant Patsy need your help. She just found out that she's pregnant, but at the age of 20, she and her boyfriend decided that the timing isn't right to have a baby. Everything is in motion for her abortion, but she's feeling an intense amount of anger toward her boyfriend and doesn't know why or if her feelings are valid. She could use any support you can offer, so weigh in with your advice.

Dear Sugar,

I am 20 and just recently found out I'm pregnant with my current boyfriend's baby. I have suspected that I have been pregnant for a few weeks now, with a period nowhere to be found, constant fatigue, and an appetite that never seems to end. We love each other very much and already plan on spending the rest of our lives together, but we already knew we did not want to keep the baby because it is just not the right time in our lives — we are way too young to be parents right now.

My girlfriends took me to a YWCA clinic and have put everything in motion for me, including an unconditional amount of support of my situation and decision. My abortion is next week. What I wanted to ask about is why I feel so angry toward my boyfriend? I am no longer affectionate toward him, even though it hurts me not to be. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have not liked kissing him, or even having him sleep in the same bed as me. And when I feel he doesn't spend enough time with me during this time, I use the pregnancy excuse to make him stay. I don't like hurting his feelings, or keeping him from hanging out with his friends, but I just feel that I deserve a little more attention in my fragile state than to be ignored for the boys, video games, or any other reason.

Is it normal to feel this way, or am I just being a cry baby?


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
It is perfectly normal to feel this way and related to your hormones levels. Talk to your doctor about this. BTW, Just to add to the conversation, I am very prochoice, but I still regret the abortion I had when I was 21. The guy was a loser, but I know my family would have supported me. My life would have been a lot harder, but also more rewarding and full of joy. I am not telling you what to do, just relating my personal experience. But I am still so happy that we as women have that choice to make in the first place. Ultimately, it's your choice, your body and your life. Do what feels right for you, and if you feel like you need to talk to a counsellor, then go do it. Good luck to you.
Ever heard that country song, "Red Rag Top?" It is about this exact issue. A relationship that was supposed to be forever ending because they did what they thought was the right thing and ended an early pregnancy. Personally, I don't think 20 is too early to have a child. I know a girl that had a child at 17, and everyone gave her crap for being so young. But, now that she's 23, she's having to have a hysterectomy, and will never have the chance to have children again. If she had not had her son at such an early age, she would never have had the chance... Also, my cousin had to have her ovaries removed before she turned 20, and has no option of having children. Unfortunately, waiting until the time is right is becoming less and less of an option with all the things causing young ladies to lose their ability to have children earlier and earlier. If you have this much anger about the situation, you need to rethink if that is what you really want. Don't get me wrong, I am totally for a woman's right to choose.
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
Hi Patsy...I am 22 and had an abortion when I was 19. I had only been with my boyfriend for 5 months when it happened. We have now been together for 2.5 years and I love him to death. I would love to talk to you about the situation and how I handled it in the past and have dealt with it (if you would like). Please don't listen to all the crazy people on here - they have NO idea what they are talking about. Anyways please feel free to PM me!
quietriott quietriott 8 years
i am not going to comment on having the abortion or not having the abortion cause it's really not anyone's business, but it seems to me that by pushing your boyfriend away but at the same time wanting him to be there for you at all times, he is probably very confused. unfortunately guys can't read our minds and know what we want all the time, so you have to tell him how you are feeling and how you want him to behave, he won't just KNOW, especially at such an emotionally stressful time for both of you. also, you mention that your girlfriends have been supportive and set up everything for you - perhaps your boyfriend feels that he just needs to back off and let you have space and be with your friends so that you can get through this? he might not feel it is his place to intercede or do anything, and that as a guy he would be resented if he stepped in to help (if he thinks it's your decision and he doesn't want to pressure you in any way). i am not saying he is justified or right in not just doing it, but its hard sometimes for people to know what the right way to support someone is.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
I agree with Eilonwy that this OP is not asking whether her abortion is right or wrong...she has made her decision, people should quit judging and trying to convince her to think about it more or change her decision. She sounds very mature and I'm willing to bet she has researched the topic very well. Answer her real question, she doesn't seem to have gotten much advice on that problem. sarah100682's whole post said it very well. Everyone has different opinion's...none of us are right or wrong, we all have different circumstances and different things will be right for each of us. I also agree that "it was to some extent acceptable to bring up the decision of the abortion because I also feel that it is possible to think that the unlying reason for her being mad at her boyfriend is because she is confused altogether and just does not realize it. After all, she is 20, and still has alot of living and learning to do. But it WENT TOO FAR when others starting trying to change her mind." Isn't the point of this site at least partially to support each other through hard times and to offer helpful advice(not advice trying to convince someone to go in one direction or another!) Goodness, let's stop attacking one another, it's kind of sad (not sarcastically, but literally sad). :/
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
You know, I'm from Texas - But suggesting someone go to a god-driven prolife choice website based out of Bible beating Denton, Texas ..No way.
seraphimm seraphimm 8 years
cotedazur, gemsera, I strongly agree with both of you. and maybe, just MAYBE... we can think through things without digging too deep into it? Since we don't know much about Patsy and her boyfriend... If I were in your situation, Patsy... I WOULD BE ANGRY because everything will seem like it would change after the abortion. I WOULD BE ANGRY because I have to go through such a physically and emotionally painful procedure most women do not have to deal with. I WOULD BE ANGRY that I'm SO IN LOVE with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with... but have to give up something that could very well be our potential son or daughter.... I WOULD BE ANGRY for not having the same affection for my soulmate anymore, because of something that's growing in my body that I have to erase... You have every reason to be scared, worried, anxious and distant... Although your boyfriend will try to support and sympathize with you, he'll never know how it feels to wait and count the days until the abortion. I will be praying for you too.. Best of luck..
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
Everyone has different opinions...what might upset you, might not upset me...just because you (speaking in general to anyone) could be okay with having an abortion, doesn't mean the next person would. Why are we judging each others opinions and acting as if the other is wrong? Thats was opinions are! Everyone is different. I might think its more tramatic to have an abortion and someone else might think its more tramatic to give the baby up for adoption. No body is wrong, just different, thats what makes up people. I don't know what I would do, but it would be my decision and no one has the right to critize my decision because its mine. Just because you do not agree with her decision to have an abortion does not make it wrong. I also don't think anyone has the right to judge until they have been there. I have had friends who said they would NEVER have an abortion...but when they became pregnant, suddenly they felt differently. There is no right answer. period. Anyways, back to the REASON for posting...I agree that it was to some extent acceptable to bring up the decision of the abortion because I also feel that it is possible to think that the unlying reason for her being mad at her boyfriend is because she is confused altogether and just does not realize it. After all, she is 20, and still has alot of living and learning to do. But it went too far when others starting trying to change her mind.
Eilonwy Eilonwy 8 years
Regarding post 59: I was not going to contribute anymore to the discussion, but I feel compelled to point out that the use of such (questionable) statistics in such circumstances is irresponsible. Many women (not all!) who undergo abortions hail from marginalized groups/ demographics without access to adequate sexual education/contraception/support which correlates with substance abuse, psychopathology and so forth. Furthermore, the stigma attached to abortion (to which many of the respondents here are contributing) only further exacerbates the psychological difficulty/sense of alienation/shame/suicidality post abortion. How ironic that they are using such numbers... Abortion is not the *cause* of any of the distress 'cited' in the biased statistics. I respect the decision of every women as to whether they would opt for an abortion or not, but please, please, do not further fear mongering and misconceptions based on biased interpretations. //end of rant (sorry. I hope I didn't offend anyone.)
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 8 years
You both made a decision to have this abortion, and you should both continue to live your lives. Plus, your pushing him away isn't going to make him any more excited about spending time with you. The thought of having an abortion can be very scary, and you're expecting your boyfriend be some doting guy that will wait on you hand and foot to make this as comfortable as possible. Unfortunately, he's obviously not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of a pregnancy/baby, so he's handling this the best way he can.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
by the way, it was nice to hear the stories by justanerd, but i wish they would leave Christianity out of it. i do not think that people can be converted so easily, and mentioning it may discredit the rest of the stuff they said to anyone who has not experienced abortion/childbirth. its my experience that when people say something and then back it up with a quote from the bible or words about 'our lord', it's not any more convincing to me. just my opinion~
PiNkY-PiNk PiNkY-PiNk 8 years
jazz, you're right. you shouldn't have bothered. :)
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
"there are people who have abortions, without conscience, and go on their merry way, but I think there are a greater portion who have them and regret it, and it becomes a deep-seeded pain they live with the rest of their life." "This is a warning for you: things will not be the same once you get an abortion since that action will follow you" i 100% agree. i have had an abortion, which was fine and easy medically, but i would never ever do it again, and do regret it. now i have a child. please go to therapy/seek counseling asap before you go through with your decision. its great that you have friends and family to support your choice but they are not the ones who will have to live with it. my friends and family are all pro-choice too... that does not help me a bit now. so all i have to say is, seek some professional help first. and i think you resent your boyfriend for instinctual reasons. he is not being an alpha-male who wants to provide for his offspring. (no offense to him, that's just what i think is the root of your feelings)
Jazz-Z Jazz-Z 8 years
You're absolutely right Pinky, I shouldn't have bothered commenting on this thread....kind of like trying to talk with people who have their hand over their ears. Anyway, FYI Dr. Reardon’s web-site, has available past journals documenting statistics such as that teenage girls are 10 times more likely to attempt suicide after abortion, that 60 percent of women consider suicide, and 28 percent attempt it post-abortion. Reardon also documents that post-abortion women are almost four times more likely to engage in substance abuse.
californiagirlx7 californiagirlx7 8 years
It's just an opinion as far as me thinking that she is having "second thoughts." That is what I gathered from what she wrote, not necessarily that I thought she was going to change her mind but it seems that she is not doing this procedure whole-heartedly. My opinion may not be correct, but it is hard to gather what this person's experience is from just one letter. At the end of the day, it is honestly not going to affect me what her ultimate decision is, because it is not me nor is it someone I know. All of us are making assumptions as to what her personal life is, like the state of her relationship with her boyfriend or why she is choosing not to have the baby. Which is why I just said to not take this matter lightly and that I hope that she finds guidance in this situation, since she says it has been affecting her relationship. I hope everything works out for her. P.S. I personally don't think I could ever have an abortion, but I am pro-choice in my politics (for example - I don't want abortion outlawed).
Manny654 Manny654 8 years
Dear Pregnant Patsy, May I say that I am very impressed to see that your age, you were able to make a very wise decision. I am 20 as well, and I know it would be very hard for me to make that decision. I am very glad to hear that you have supportive friends who can help, and a boyfriend who has emotionally stepped up to the plate. Good luck with everything-you sound like a very mature woman. As for the emotions, such anger to me seems normal. You're angry with yourself for getting into this situation, you probably feel disappointed with yourself as well, and let down by your boyfriend for contributing. Your hormones and emotions are going crazy, and crazy can't always be logically controlled. It makes sense for you to take it out on your boyfriend-he shares no physical stress like you, or emotional stress. He can only hold your hand, seeing as how you're the one that's pregnant. Try talking to him about it-studies have shown that men are more likely to pay attention to important conversations while in the car, so use the pregnancy excuse to get him to take you on a drive. Don't be confrontational-the last thing you need in your state is to have your relationship blow up. Tell him that you're feeling angry about the whole thing, and ask if he feels the same way. He very well might-I'm guessing he has plans for his future too, that don't include a baby. You're not being a cry baby-you're in an intense situation with incredibly important physical and emotional effects. You need someone there for you, whether it be your friends or your boyfriend. Don't lose sight of your own health. Talk to him in a calm setting, don't use the word "you," and it'll all figure itself out. Good luck with your decision and abortion, and may everything turn out well.
PiNkY-PiNk PiNkY-PiNk 8 years
eilonwy, I completely agree. jazz, it is neither any of ur business whether or not I am on the pill or not OR to hope I stay or go on it. because no matter what, I will be the only one who lives with my decisions and not you or anyone else. and gee, thanks for singling me out and saying I'M defensive when CLEARLY other people on this post have been as well. but I get it, I don't agree with you.
Jazz-Z Jazz-Z 8 years
Well put pop! :highfive: Eilonwy, there are people who have abortions, without conscience, and go on their merry way, but I think there are a greater portion who have them and regret it, and it becomes a deep-seeded pain they live with the rest of their life. She is going to grow up very quickly and I hope that I, as well as many others on this thread, were able to help her reconsider her decision (whatever it is) with her eyes open. I think it will really help her in moving forward with her life that she really considered all options. The big picture now will really be her relationship with herself not her boyfried.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Hmmm, well I'm certainly not opposed to her getting an abortion. I should have mentioned that I'm pro-choice :) I just think that is maybe why she's angry, that's all. I tried to imagine if I got pregnant and my boyfriend wasn't happy about it. I'd be so sad, even if I *knew* that it wasn't the right time and that I didn't want to bring an unwanted baby into a single parent situation. I could see myself being angry with him. I could see myself wishing that he'd be so excited and wanting to be by my side while we did this amazing thing together.
Eilonwy Eilonwy 8 years
I know you're just trying to help popgoestheworld, but abortion is such an intimate decision, it feels so strange to discuss it on here as refutable when it seems she already resigned herself to it.
Eilonwy Eilonwy 8 years
Do you honestly feel that posters on here - strangers - would reverse a decision she has clearly made and is not questioning in her request for advice? I respect your view Jazz Z, but I think we can all agree that abortion is so difficult that no one would 'have abortions and go on their merry way,' as you stated.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
"Oh and I think it strange that readers are taking in a few hundred words and claiming that 'deep down' the poster wants the child. I honestly have no idea how anyone could make such an assertion based on so little information." Well, the poster wrote in asking about why she might be angry. Is it really such a stretch to suggest that she might be angry because she wants this child, and she wants her boyfriend to want it too? In these advice columns, all you ever get is one measly letter. All you can ever do is guess at what these people are thinking and feeling. That's why we start senteces with things like: "It seems" or "I think"... you know, acknowledgements that we're just taking a stab at something in order to try to help someone out.
Jazz-Z Jazz-Z 8 years
It's hard to argue with Cinderella. Obviously some of us think it more important she rethink her decision then wonder why she is mad at her boyfriend for not having more compassion for her state of pregnancy she plans to abort.
Jazz-Z Jazz-Z 8 years
Pinkypink for never being in that situation, you sure sound defensive. I hope you get or stay on the pill so you never have to realize the reality of the backlash that abortion unleashes.
Eilonwy Eilonwy 8 years
*may or may not.
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