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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Be Honest Now?

DearSugar and I Lied Laura need your help. She was dishonest with her boyfriend about how many men she's slept with when they first started dating, but she's now ready to tell the truth. Is it too late? Weigh in and tell her what you'd do.

Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and when we first started dating, I lied to him twice about how many guys I've slept with and he still doesn't know the truth to this day. This situation is on my mind daily. Part of me wants to tell him the truth, but I'm just so scared that he'll break up with me and I'll lose him forever.

I love my boyfriend so much and I can see things going much further in the future, but I don't want our relationship to be based on lies. Should I risk it and tell him the truth or stay mum and hope my guilt goes away?


Join The Conversation
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
Ok, I have a question for everybody who says that you should never never never! tell a guy your number...why is that? I have never been in that situation before (yet...ha). I mean, y'all are also saying that it shouldn't matter, or it shouldn't be a big deal to the poster, so why not tell a guy if the conversation comes up? Whats the big deal?
mortar31 mortar31 9 years
if he ain't going to find out you can hide it from him. But if there is way he can find out then let him know, because personally I can tell you that the last thing you want to find out after being in a relationship for more than a year is that your partner hid someone from their sexual history.
snarkypants snarkypants 9 years
oh, and stop lying about stuff. it doesn't get you anywhere.
snarkypants snarkypants 9 years
who cares? i mean, really, if it really really matters to him, then tell him. but if you're the only one obsessing about it, get over it. might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
alexask alexask 9 years
i have always believed that if you can have sex with someone, you should be able to ask, and receive the truth, about how many people they've slept with. i agree with berlin's post. it's going to always bug you. unless you are a compulsive liar, it should not do any harm.
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 9 years
Don't tell, you might feel better because you've told the truth, but chances are he'll feel worse because, well......he's a guy. Telling the truth won't do any good now.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
What do they say? You should double a womans "number" and halve a guys? ;p
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
If it ever comes up again than you can tell him the truth. He doesn't need to know right now. Why do you feel so guilty about it? He probably lied too. I wouldn't worry about it, if you tell him now he's going to wonder why you're bringing it up and you'll do more harm than good.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
It is none of his business. I never understand the people that think it is necessary to give a number. The only thing you need to tell him is if you have a gift that can keep on giving and the fact of the matter is that you could have gotten one of those the first time you had sex.
karlorene karlorene 9 years
i think this will cause more pain and jealousy than benefit. you love him and respect him and are loyal to him in your relationship now- let the past be the past.
Marci Marci 9 years
And why exactly does he need to know? What's the point of his having THAT information? And why is it on your mind daily? Because he keeps asking? I only ever had one boyfriend who even *dared* to ask that question, and I told him 'There were a few, and that's the end of this conversation.'
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Would he leave you if he found out the real number? I don't see why it is a problem. My boyfriend knew my number (for guys) before we started dating and it's no real secret that the number of girls I've been with is more than him and his best friend put together... My boyfriend has been with two women ever (me and his ex) and so he doesn't feel the need to question me since he knows it'll be more anyway. ;p Just don't tell him. It shouldn't be an issue?
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Oh please. Absolutely not. Keep your mouth shut!!! Are you insane!? That is rule number one! DON'T EVER EVER EVER tell a boyfriend how many guys you've slept with, unless it's zero! EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I command you for lying. I wish I'd done the same on many occasions...
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
As long as your clean, keep it to yourself. I'm not going to bust on you for lying in the first place because I think everyone tells little white lies about past relationships to avoid hurting their new partners. Hell, chances are he's lying about his "magic number" too! Just let it go and don't tell him. It's not like you're still sleeping with these guys, so it shouldn't factor into your relationship at all.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I hate liars. But i'd also hate someone that would not only answer this question but ask it. It's really no one's concern. After all, if you want to be with me you have to be tested anyway.
juicylove juicylove 9 years
i dont really know what to say about the situation except.. how do you lie TWICE about it? i would imagine you felt bad after the first lie.. yet you lied again?
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I just asked my fiance about it and he said it's not relevant to your current situation to tell him how many people you've slept with. Unless you have added more to that number since you've been with him, (cheated) it's really not relevant. Hopefully you have been screened for STD's. Really, you should have just been honest from the beginning, but at this point, it's just going to make him feel bad for no reason. In the future, be honest with him about things so that you will not later feel guilty. I agree 100% with rabidmoon. Stop judging yourself for your past, and be honest in the future.
ann418 ann418 9 years
Ditto to Berlin's post. I couldn't have said it better. While your relationship shouldn't be based on this conversation alone, you do need to get this out of the way before you can move forward. Just tell him how guilty you feel, how much he means to you (because it seems like he means a lot since you're so upset about this) and tell him the truth. Good luck!
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Your relationship is based on a conversation you had about how many people you slept with? I'm having a hard time understanding the mountain you have worked this molehill into. By all means, go ahead and tell him. But, tell him with the understanding that the way the lie has weighed on you will now weigh on him. He may not appreciate that and he may choose to move on. That will be his right and you will need to accept that gracefully.
brookiebaby brookiebaby 9 years
You should just keep it to yourself. Like one of the other posters said, there is honesty for his benefit and then there is honesty just to relieve your guilt. And I know you want to be honest, but revealing your true number could only hurt your boyfriend and your realtionship, I think. Just worry being faithful and nuturing your relationship now, instead of being caught up with your past.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
Lying sucks. Especially lying to someone who you're supposed to be in a close relationship with. You shouldn't have given any number to begin with -- I thought we all knew that by now. Your "magic number" never needs to be revealed! But now that you've lied, you should come clean, or it will keep bugging you. If he breaks up with you, it will be because you lied, not because of your number, and he has the right to find a more honest (or at least evasive) girlfriend.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
Uhm...that's kinda like...something from the past. It doesn't matter now. You don't have to tell him, but if you want to clear the air, then do so as you will. Guys [at least, the ones I know] really don't give a damn about who you've been with in the past, because at that moment, THEY are with you. It all depends on the guy you've got.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
Why would he leave you? That sounds a bit dramatic. I don't understand why this is a big issue. He probably would rather not know. My boyfriend told me, and though it's not an issue, I'd actually rather wish I didn't know. Don't obsess over this, everyone is entitled to keep certain past details to themselves.
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
Leave well enough alone, girl! Unless there's a medically-related reason for you to tell him, he doesn't need to know.
Fallen85 Fallen85 9 years
Leave it alone. My boyfriend thinks I've slept with 11 people but he only thinks that because he guessed and I didnt correct him. There are a few things you should never tell your man and your "magic number" is one of them. If it's too little then he'll think he's had too many, if it's too many then he'll think you're a slut or that he hasnt had enough. This is not something that will ever affect your future together so just let it go. As one of the other girls' said, are you telling him for his benefit? or for your own?
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