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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Leave My Fiance Before He Leaves Me?

DearSugar and Almost a Bride Amanda need your help. Her fiance just confessed to having feelings for another woman, but their wedding is less than two months away. She is at a total loss as to what to do next — do you have any advice?

Dear Sugar,

I am supposed to be getting married in seven weeks and everything is ready to go — invitations go out next week. Two nights ago, my fiance told me that he has a crush on a girl he works with. He hadn't been open with me about his feelings until now, but looking back, I realize that he's lied to me on numerous occasions and then made me feel like I was being a crazy and jealous girlfriend.

He says he loves me and doesn't want to break up, but he also says he has reservations now because of these feelings for this girl. He wants to work on things and says he doesn't want to call off the wedding, but I am worried that I am going to end up with no groom on our wedding day. This basically came out of nowhere and I feel totally blindsided. I love him very much and really want to spend my life with him, but now I'm wondering if I should just get out of this relationship before he leaves me even more brokenhearted than I already am. Help! — Almost a Bride Amanda

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cptnruthless cptnruthless 8 years
I'm sorry you're going through this... but seriously, call off the wedding now. Him admitting to having feelings will only cause a permanent rift between you. My ex admitted to it, and we never got past it - and I wasn't even engaged/going to marry the guy. Good luck on your next man. Remember that not all of them are assholes like this one!
RaCheer RaCheer 8 years
Sounds like he told you to get you to call of the wedding instead of him. GET OUT!
kristyy kristyy 8 years
Call it off....and keep the ring. You may need it to pay off some of the deposits.
geebers geebers 8 years
Agree with everyone. Postpone and set him free. He will figure it out and hopefully you will have the freedom to decide if you want him back or not. But be VERY sure this guy is right for you. Marriage is a big deal and you don't want a man who runs when the going gets tough.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
His timing really sucks.Good for him for being honest but I wouldn't want to marry him knowing he feels that way about another woman.
thelorax thelorax 8 years
I'm so sorry :-( I'm with Sparklestar, even if you have sent out the invitations, you need to postpone your wedding indefinitely and figure this out before you're legally bound to this man!! This is heartbreaking and overwhelming and embarrassing now -- but it will be 100x worse if you marry him and he turns out to be an unfaithful liar.
Chrstne Chrstne 8 years
Well, I don't know if your husband is the scum of the Earth, because marriage is huge. It is totally not abnormal for terror, or even just a moderate fear to manifest itself in ways like that. Men are also different than women, so we display our fears in different ways. Since your wedding is so close, I don't think it would be terrible to postpone your wedding until you know for sure this is not a deal breaker or something more than just a pre-marital fear. You really have to go with your gut. If you gut says not to trust him, then don't marry him. If your gut says that you can, then you just need to talk it through and see what is up. I don't think he does not love you, or does not want to marry you -- from the information provided. It hurts, and it sucks, but you need to feel it out.
lisseth0221 lisseth0221 8 years
Well I was engaged with my bf for 3 years but we hadn't set a date and the exact same thing happened to me!! And he even changed his number and got a new job to prove to me that he loves me and wants to work things out BUT it still hurts like hell. 3 months later I'm still screwed up and I hate him for that... Wish I could help but just know that you aren't alone. I'm really taking in this advice too...
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Wow...Why do I want to get married. Humans, we do suck. That is some fckd up shit. You need to put your foot down. Save yourself, you deserve better
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
Don't send invites Count your losses and don't give any more money to any vendors. CANCEL THE WEDDING! His heart won't change in 2 months. He'll DUMP YOU before you know it.
emalove emalove 8 years
Honestly, if it were me, that would be enough to make me SERIOUSLY question things. I don't want to say that you should call of the wedding, but if were me, I would be very unsure and very untrusting at this point.
starangel82 starangel82 8 years
I say postpone. I'm sorry you are faced with this. First you need to decided if you really want to still be in this relationship. And he does too. If you are both willing to work on your relationship, go to counseling. Do whatever you have to in order to make it work. But if you know you are always going to be doubting him even after you say your vows, I think you need to seriously consider if you want to stay with him. Relationships are built on trust and communication andif you can't trust him, you have nothing. I wish you the best.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
well, at least he was honest. and he wants to go through with the wedding, so the feelings can't be that strong. i agree with the poster that said your husband to be is probably having a pre-wedding freak-out. over the course of your marriage you will both have feelings for other people, question your marriage, piss each other off and let each other down. you forgive and you move on. what has the past shown you about how the 2 of you resolve issues as a couple? marriage won't change that, you're still the same 2 people.
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
if you arent sure running away. im telling you to at least pospone. nothin worse than worrying about just marrying a guy who has feelings for someone else. he sounds immature.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
i like #8's advice.
austerity austerity 8 years
Run away. This guy is going to break your heart. And even if he does 'want to work it out', would you want to marry a guy who has feelings for another woman??? No woman should tolerate that!!
notinthemood notinthemood 8 years
Make HIM call it off... sounds like he knows he's not ready, but wants to make you do it. And he has been dishonest in the past?? It's expensive to call off a wedding... but divorce is even more expensive! I agree with those who say HE needs to inform your families of the reason!
mywish22 mywish22 8 years
If he can't stay faithful to you before you're married, he will not afterwards. He is clearly not 100% committed to you. Do not marry him. just be thankful he was honest enough to say something before u got married. you saved yourself alot of trouble.
Sandle Sandle 8 years
I've been in a relationship for 4 years now and have lived with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half of them. I'm sorry to hear your story and for the struggle you must be going through right now. My advice to you is to reflect and think about how your relationship has gone thus far. Has he ever cheated on you before? Has he ever harbored feelings for other women before? If so, it seems that is is a pattern behavior and not something that you should commit to. If this has never ever happened before it may just be his way of getting cold feet. Talk to him about it, either way this a huge decision and not something you should decide in a hurry. Good luck!
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
Wow, your fiance sounds really awesome. Not only is he fostering a crush on another woman (he could have ended it somehow, either by changing jobs or departments or SOMETHING), but he TOLD you about it just weeks before your WEDDING. Why??? To relieve his weak conscience? To come out looking better by making YOU do the dirty work of calling off the wedding? To be honest and build trust??? Yes, he *may* be reacting to the "stress" of committing his life to someone. If that really freaks him out he should have thought long and hard about proposing marriage in the first place. Anyway, his actions are completely unfair to you on so many levels and the wedding should be called off. Whether you call off the relationship is up to you and his response to you laying down the law. Part of that would be making HIM cancel the festivities and absorbing the costs, whatever they may be. He should also have to explain to both of your families that he has thought seriously about cheating on you - seriously enough that he told you about his "crush" in the hope that you could help him handle it - and that is why the wedding is off. This may sound harsh, but that is seriously what I would do in your situation.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Humans suck. I swear.
sandy82 sandy82 8 years
Postpone your wedding! You can't spend the days approaching your wedding wondering if your fiance will bolt and you already doubt him because he lied to you in the past. And you said he already has reservations. You guys have to work on this together or with a counselor or something. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope everything works out.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Actually, I think he's just freaking out about getting married and is acting out by having a crush on someone else. I don't think it has any bearing on his love for you or your future together - BUT I would still call it off, because 1. you don't want to get married with this in the back of your mind (urgh) and 2. you need to teach that immature moron a lesson. Take the high road here. Tell him he can call you when he's ready. And then go live your life - he'll be back, with his tail between his legs, and having processed his fear of commitment.
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