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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Make a Move?

DearSugar and Crushing Casey need your help. She's fallen for her best guy friend but he's currently in a relationship with someone else. She expressed her feelings, but he didn't say much in return. What should she do? Pursue or let it be?

Dear Sugar,

I'm in love with a good friend of mine. I confessed my feelings to him recently and we talked it over. He's currently dating another girl, and I told him that it is what it is, and I just wanted to let him know how I felt so I wouldn't regret not saying anything at all somewhere down the line. He understands, but never exactly expressed how he felt.

We've been talking a lot lately, but more as friends than anything I think. I don't want to cross the line since he is seeing someone else, but it's getting harder and harder by the second — I just want to be with him! I've been keeping a certain distance, but I don't want him to think I'm not interested anymore. I don't know if I should keep waiting for him, but I can't imagine giving up on us. Should I date other people or hold out for hope? — Crushing Casey


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blindedbyblonde blindedbyblonde 8 years
I think this pony has been beaten down to horse food...are we done feeding on this post. Let's help the girl who is confused about being with a girl when she is in a relationship of two years with her guy!!
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
If he truly felt the same way, then he would have said it back to you. He didn't. That tells you all that you need to know. Stop throwing yourself at a man who is in a relationship, start dating other men. Also, stop foolishly waiting around for him. Things are not going to change. He is not going to leave this girl for you. He doesn't feel the same way as you, so if you can't stay friends without always thinking about something more with him, it's time to walk away from the friendship. I feel bad for his girlfriend, you sound ready to pounce on him the first change you get. I'll be honest, you have not painted a very nice picture of yourself here.
dalialia dalialia 8 years
Sorry but why did you even tell him? You don't think thats a little selfish? I was actually on the other end once. An ex of my bf at the time professed her love for him while we were dating and I still think of that as being pretty cruel. Besides not showing much respect for the girl he is dating, it doesn't show much respect for him. What did you expect him to do? dump the girl and start dating you? Would you still want him knowing he was the type of guy to do that? The other option is that now he knows that you like him and he doesn't feel the same way. Now you will always want more and he will always question your advice and attention wondering if it is because you want more. Either of these options sound good? Sorry to be so harsh, but by confessing your feelings you may have permanently altered your friendship and that is kind of sad for both of you, isn't it?
Lily-Inferno Lily-Inferno 8 years
Wow really? made clear how you feel right? Ok and he didnt express feeling the same why oh why would you think making a move would possibly be ok if he has a current gf and never expressed the same feelings? Come on now, this is easy. Move on. Hes a friend, nothing more.
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
Just remember, if he will to it for you, he will do it to you!
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
you've done all you can. you told him how you felt, and now its up to him. If you pursue it any further, thats just disrespectful. And if you are having a hard time being with him as just a friend, then you probably need to part ways for awhile. You go forward from here, and you are what they call a "homewrecker".
AmandaKrups AmandaKrups 8 years
Blindedbyblonde, you are wrong. Guys go from friends to boyfriends and much more all the time. My husband was one of my best friends for eight years before we finally started dating. We always liked each other but weren’t ready to start dating in high school or college. He didn’t want a serious girlfriend during that time, and I was terrified that it wouldn’t work out and we would never speak again. He finally convinced me that it was meant to be, we started dating and we got married June 1 of this year. And I do believe it will work because we were friends first. Fluffyhelen, you’re being a little harsh. She would be the nightmare friend only if she physically did something with her friend. She’s not hurting the other girl yet. And you definitely don’t know that the guy wants her out of his life. When my husband and I were just friends (who basically had loved each other since we met in high school), we used to talk about being together ALL the time, even when we both were dating other people. Yes, it was probably inappropriate, but oh well. It got him in gear to break up with the girl he didn’t really like anyway and for me to dump the asshole guy I was dating. The poster’s friend may very well like her but doesn’t want to hurt the girl he is dating so he chooses to be with her for a while longer. To the poster, good for you for being brave and expressing your feelings. I agree with the other comments that say you should start dating other people. Maybe then your friend will realize he doesn’t actually like you dating other people and wants to be with you himself like me and my husband’s story. Or maybe you will meet another guy you really like. Either ending isn’t bad.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Asia84 hit the nail on the head as usual. This reminds me of when Kay liked her best friend Miguel but he liked Charity and Kay kept trying to trick him into bed on that idiotic yet oh-so addictive soap Passions.
FashionLuvr FashionLuvr 8 years
My advice is to be respectful of his relationship. He is with someone else, so you will need to wait it out to see what happens with him and his girlfriend.
ricarocks ricarocks 8 years
i agree with the first few comments. move on. dating another guy, just to try something different (it doesn't have to be serious), is definitely going to help. if nothing else, it'll distract you and you'll see what other options you have. I KNOW it's hard but try and get this guy out of your head. he has someone else which sucks but you can't change it. just think of taylor swift's "teardrops on my guitar". that guy she was talking about, the one with the girlfriend? well they're STILL together! catch my drift?
hills hills 8 years
maybe he didn't say anything because he values your friendship and dosn't want to ruin it if he dosnt feel the same, or he could be confused and not sure about his feelings, which he wil figure out eventualy, you can either try and move on if he ends up never saying anything or you can ask him that you just think you need to know how he feels so you can either move on or...
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
I missed this one! WHY THE HELL YOU TELL HIM while he had a girlfriend?!?!?!?!?! that put him in an awkward position. what was he suppose to say? "well, when me and Katie break up, we can see what happens..."?!?!? NO! you now look thirsty and lifeless. and then you ask if you should wait for him?!?!? not only does he have a chick, but what about the factor of maybe he doesn't feel the same way??? so now he's got a friend who is on his nut-sack and potentially going to come up with stunts to break him and his girl up. what you gonna do if they get engaged??? tell the truth. your a*s is gonna wild-out and concoct a plan. he don't want you. he wants his girlfriend. get over it, and get a life.
frenchie77 frenchie77 8 years
Oh - and after he didn't say much except that he really cared for me as a friend and possibly more if the situation were different, but still wanted to be with her - I totally backed off and never mentioned it again. Because that was the right thing to do. The year it took me to start dating - well I just wasn't ready to be with a guy that I just wasn't that into.
frenchie77 frenchie77 8 years
Don't ruin his relationship. If he didn't say much, that means that even if he is interested, he's not interested enough to break up with her to be with you - and definitely leave him alone. Depending on how long-term you think it's going to be with her, either wait it out and keep hopes - WITHOUT making another move... or move on. But if you move on, make sure it's with a person you like enough for him not to be just a guy "while you wait". I was in that situation once, and I was right, they did end up breaking up, BUT the breakup happened 2 years later. He wanted to make it work with her, especially since it would have been a long distance relationship with me. A few months after the breakup, he told me he had feelings for me and was ready for a long distance relationship - I told him I had moved on, and I had just gotten together with the man I am now married to. It took me over a year to move on before I was ready to date anyone else. But when I was, it was because those romantic feelings were (mostly) gone and when he said that, I only hesitated for all of a minute. I really was in love with my boyfriend.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I agree with Michelin and GlowingMoon. Also, I tend to think that people who make these "declarations" are pretty selfish. I mean, I kind of get it. If you are in love with someone you don't want to have any regrets etc. But my experience is that they never think about how it's going to affect the other person, especially if they are in a relationship. So I think if you are going to make a declaration like that, the least you can do is make it and then move on. Honestly, the guy gave zero indication that he's into you. And now you're wondering if he thinks you've suddenly gotten over this crush you just confessed to? You're overdramatizing a relationship that you're not even in.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
This is going to be hard, but: You've ALREADY MADE YOUR MOVE. You've confessed your feeling for him. And lo and behold, he doesn't 'leave' the girl he's DATING for you. P.S. This girl isn't holding a gun to his head telling him to stay around for her. He CHOSE to stick around and date her although he knows how YOU feel about him. Isn't that answer enough from his side? It's a little sad when people try to force on someone to respond to their feelings when it's one sided. Just back off and let things be, lick your wounds and move on (DATE OTHERS).
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
well good for you for saying something, you're right, you'll have no regrets for not speaking up later no matter what happens. but i think that was "your move" and now it's his turn. he may be thinking things through and he might even be kind of freaked out by your admission and kind of testing the waters with talking to you more recently. hope it works out for you :) and again, i think it's great that you did speak up.
Smilesp Smilesp 8 years
It's good that you told him how you felt so you don't have to think about the what ifs. But if he hasn't made any moves and is still dating someone else then I seriously doubt he's interested. Just be his friend and move on with your life. You don't want to look back and think what if I had dated some other guy instead of waiting around for someone who wasn't interested!
blindedbyblonde blindedbyblonde 8 years
I think your opportunity has passed. obviously he likes this other girl and you have bonded as a friend. Guys can't go from friend to girlfriend. You need to let him go before you hurt yourself more!!
kathili kathili 8 years
Right now is just not the time to pursue this. Starting a relationship by breaking another's just seems sad.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
He has somebody else. Don't waste your time waiting around for him (and certainly don't try to make a move on him).
javsmav javsmav 8 years
there's no "us" for you to give up on--you are NOT together with him. Please move on.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
STAY AWAY. You are the nightmare female friend who he secretly wishes he could push out of his life but has been too nice to do so so far. You've pushed a boundary.
CYL CYL 8 years
I agree with Glowing Moon and Rock and Republic. And besides I think he made it quite clear how he felt. Has he ever expressed interest in you romantically? I mean if he hasn't and you told him how you felt...and he had time to digest it and has not said anything back. You have your answer...and even if he did express interest before the fact that he hasn't done anything about it...should tell you how he feels about the situation at this point And you said yourself you have been talking a lot but just as friends! Also, you may want to think about if you are hte one initiating all the calling and hanging out and messages or is it equal? You don't want to be the back up girl (in case his current gf doesn't work out). So go out and date other guys...I think everyone has plenty to offer and no one should just wait around for someone. If it is meant to be it will work out down the road the mean time, find someone who wants to date you and jump you and give you all the things your deserve in a relationship! Good luck!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Karlotta - LOL! funny thing is, I just got back from London for a work trip and totally would have done if he hadn't been dating this girl. but we did reconnect and now it's his turn to visit...
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