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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Relocate For Him?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. Everything is great with us and he is the first guy that I can definitely see myself spending my life with. The only problem is that he lives 40 minutes away from me (south) and I work 20 minutes north of where I live now. He's recently started to move forward with plans to build his dream house, just a few blocks from his current home, on family land. He's asked me to move in with him and while that sounds amazing, I'd have to drive an hour to work and another hour home (without factoring in traffic and/or potential accidents). He said he understands my point and knows a relationship is about compromise, but he isn't willing to build elsewhere.

I am a teacher and often have to stay late for various things during the school year, and at times, come in to catch up on the weekends, so living an hour away from work seems like a major headache. I even thought of finding a school closer to him, but I would have to take a $10,000 - $15,000 pay cut due to different state laws. Another con on my list is that my family and friends live an hour or more away from him. I brought this up and he said, "It's not like you will never see them. It's only an hour drive." I'm just so used to living in the city where everything is close and he has a more "country" mindset.

I love this man and want to spend my life with him, but I don't know what to do! I don't see myself living that far from work, family, and friends but I also don't see myself with anyone other than my boyfriend. Help!

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happygoluckyme happygoluckyme 9 years
I think you shouldn't necessarily move in with your boyfriend, just yet. The issue you are having is the commute and the drive to see your family and friends. Are there times that you stay over night at his place? If so, I would suggest having a "trial period" for a week or longer where you will drive to work and back. By doing this you will get an idea of what the situation will be if you moved with him. Good Luck! Hope it all works out!
jackiered jackiered 9 years
I think you should be engaged and or married before you give up your current job. I can't blame him for wanting to build his "dream house" on the family land but it should be when you are his "dream wife" --- is he and are you ready for that? if so, go for it but otherwise I'd say wait. Good luck~
Segat1 Segat1 9 years
This is easy. Move in together, and try it for a year. An hour's commute is not terrible. You can spend that time making calls and listening to podcasts. Then, if after a year you find that the commute is too great, consider changing your job for somewhere a little more local. I assume they have schools in the area where your boyf is building? Put out some feelers. You'll be fine.
smp7328 smp7328 9 years
But if you are going to go all CAPS LOCK on me and be rude, it's offense, not offence.
smp7328 smp7328 9 years
A ring and a date at least shows commitment. Everyone is saying that he is giving up nothing. The guy here is all "i am going to build a house on this land here and I want you to move" and she is going to have to give up so much. Well, I think he should be willing to put forth a little bit of effort, commit himself to something, without her just rushing to quit her job and move in with him only to have him break things off because there was no commitment there in the first place. I didn't say that a ring and a date would fix everything, but without at least some form of commitment, there is no way in hell I would even CONSIDER moving anywhere for a guy.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
YEAH....CAUSE GETTING A RING AND A DATE WILL FIX EVERYTHING... no offence but that is ridiculous...either she wants to or she doesn't want to....she's ready or she ISN'T! It is obvious that for whatever reason/excuse you wanna throw at him/the situation...YOU'RE NOT READY ...don't move!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Eventually you have to make this decision, but I don't see why now has to be the time. A lot of people have said, "if you loved him, you'd move for him, it's just an hour (not really, it's 2!)." Well, maybe only dating for a year isn't long enough to make that decision for everyone. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, or your relationship if you wait on this decision. You need more of a commitment from him simply because he is asking you to give up your city lifestyle, and finding a job near him would mean a $15k paycut, or 2 hours a day of driving. I don't think a couple has to be engaged or married before they live together, but it's a good idea to have more of a commitment before you feel you are really giving a lot up!
smp7328 smp7328 9 years
unless you have a ring and a date, I wouldn't consider it.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
Okay two points. Saying you don't want to live more than an hour away from your family is stupid. Do not use that argument!!! However, the hour commute is a perfectly fine excuse to not move in with him. Also, you've only been with him a year. I commuted an hour (minimum, often more with traffic) for a year and it was driving me insane. Literally. You will never be home ever. He will never see you ever. Tell him this. Ask him why he can't build the house in the middle?
animatedpunk animatedpunk 9 years
wow, this situation sounds just like something a friend of mine is dealing with. You're name isn't Amy, is it? haha. j/k Anyways... I would say that after a year of dating, you don't have to move in with him already if it's not good for you. It's not like you two will break up if you don't move in with him right now. You drive to work every day... so it makes more sense to live in a location that is convenient to work, and then you two can take turns driving the hour to see each other during the week/weekend. My best friend has lived 1.5 hours from her boyfriend for the past 6 years of them dating... and now they're moving in together and getting married this summer. The short distance between them didn't weaken their relationship. And now that they're moving to an area that is almost directly between each of their families, she's looking for a new job (even though she loves her current one) so that she can work closer to their new home. I guess what I'm saying is, let it all happen when it works and feels right. I think when you're ready to spend the rest of your life with him, then you'll be able to maybe make that move. But there is no reason to do it immediately if it doesn't work for you right now. Don't rush into something you're already having doubts about. anyways, good luck!
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I think you are just not ready. If you are finding so many reasons not to do it, then deep down you really don't want to right now. If he is the right man for you, you can talk about it again in a year. If you're not ready, you're not ready. There's nothing wrong with that. It's better to be sure it is what you want, because living together can be difficult. I would advise you to wait and see.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
Yeah, um, if he wants you there that badly, he needs to propose. Where I live, which is hardly the most expensive of the major cities, gas is about $3.50. I would need a seriously nice ring (and probably the offer to let me quit and take a closer, part-time job) to offset that.
DCRoamer DCRoamer 9 years
Had you considered moving in together BEFORE he announced that he was moving? Move in with him if and when you are ready to live with him. Don't do it solely because of financial or logistical reasons.
shulemina shulemina 9 years
I'm gonna get married next year and move to another continent!!! people is all the time how cool it would be live in europe but they dont understand how difficult is to say good bye to everything, friends, family,job....it was hard for me to make the desition but I always knew what was the answer....so I you have to ask is coz you aren't sure...don't do it...
missceego0711 missceego0711 9 years
I think that you should stay where you are. Don't move in unless you are ready to live with him. Sometimes when couples move in together, it becomes the downfall of most couples. But you seem good together. If I were you, I'll just spend like couples of days at his house and see how the commute to and from his place is and then decide from there. Like test trying his place to live.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
If you can't sacrifice 1 HOUR..not 2 or 3 or 4....just 1 HOUR for a guy that's building a house for a future together...so...in a way...your house....I think you have bigger issues than driving.... maybe he's just not the one...relationships need compromises...is not like he just wants you to move "because"...just don't move.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
When in doubt, don't. I moved to another country to be with my love, and we're both a zillion miles away from family and old friends. But it's totally worth it to us. And no, he is not my fiance or husband, I'm too young for that. But I'm not too young for serious commitment. Since you are so apprehensive I would not advice you to go all the way because you are obviously not ready. Uhm, just don't complain about guys unwillingness to commit, like every other girl I know who passes up on good men. Be honest with yourself if you want to grow(with or without him).
puddlesworth puddlesworth 9 years
If you have to ask if you think you should, you probably shouldn't. You should only move if you know you want to.
Renees3 Renees3 9 years
I have moved twice to be with my boyfriend, further away from my family, to the hellish desert, because I love him and want to help him further his career. Some people mentioned that he hasn't compromised at all, but really he hasn't had a chance to. I mean, is he going to ask you to pay rent? Will it be cheaper then your current situation? Have you ever lived in the country? My advice is to stay in your current situation for another year or so, see how things progress. Some people mentioned that you shouldn't because you're not engaged, which i think is ridiculous. That's kind of the ultimate ultimatum and you might not be ready for that. The house will take a while to be built, go with the flow, figure out the financials of it and see where it takes you. If it helps, write a list of pro's an cons. Let him help you with the list, he might be able to throw in a few more pros and let that help you decide
Kimpossible Kimpossible 9 years
I agree with glowingmoon, happiness and emalove. and my personal philosophy - "when in doubt, don't". You just sound like you have too much doubt right now, I don't think now is the time to make a major decision like this. I'd wait it out a bit and see where the relationship goes. Career is a big issue for a relationship and if the relationship does progress to more serious things then careers/financial issues should be discussed. It's not something that should be considered lightly.
petite42 petite42 9 years
For me this is the key sentence: "I'm just so used to living in the city where everything is close and he has a more "country" mindset." I'm a city gal and I would personally curl up and die if I had to live out in the country. My ideal retirement, in fact, would be living in the city - not retiring to the country or some remote quiet place, like many people do. I also decided ages ago that anything longer than a 20 minute commute was a deal-breaker. Driving too far not only drains your wallet (gas is getting expensive), but sucks out your soul. That's how I personally feel. And because I feel so strongly, when I was single I would never have gotten involved with someone who absolutely loved living in the country! It just never would've worked out between us. This is an incompatability for me. I need people around me. I need hustle and bustle of city life. I need stores close enough to walk. I need culture around me - not trees and cows. Etc. Of course I'm in my 40s and I've had years to try out all kinds of lifestyles (including country living) to learn what I like and I don't like. But perhaps you just already know what's right for you.
Meike Meike 9 years
Well, the house isn't built, you definitely have time to think about this first. Currently, you can stay where you're at. That 40 minute drive really is nothing. I'm in the same both as sunshower - living on the Pacific side of the U.S. and commuting to Europe across the Atlantic to visit my husband and vice versa. A relationship that can withstand the hardships of long-distance is certainly strengthened but your career is, for the most part, something that can't be developed if you're not on location. If you're young and green in your field, it will be better for both you and your SO to develop those careers first for a brighter future together.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
you already know what i would say. . . my thing is that YOU'RE suppose to move to be with him, and it's okay for him to say something like "it's only an hour" or "you don't see them THAT much anyway". That's just what i want to hear from a man trying to persuade me to move in with him. i personally wouldn't want to move in with a guy that isn't my husband or fiance.
cjmara805 cjmara805 9 years
Stay where you're at, it's only an hour. If it's that unbearable, move slightly further south, so that the commute to work isn't THAT bad, while at the same time you'll be slightly closer to him. Nonetheless, give it time, don't move in with him quite yet.
jessie jessie 9 years
Maybe you're not ready yet. Take the time and make the trip for a few months, and maybe you'll see that its not so bad. Or maybe you'll decide to stay in the city.
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