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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Tell Her He's Cheating?

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Tell Her He's Cheating?

DearSugar and Stuck in the Middle May need your help. She knows her friend's fiance has cheated on her, but she doesn't know if she should butt in and tell her the truth. It's a complicated situation, but what would you do?

Dear Sugar,

In the past year I have become very close with my boyfriend's friends' girlfriends. They are now great friends of mine who I talk to all the time and hang out with regularly when the guys aren't around. One of the girls has been dating my boyfriend's best friend for about seven years, and they are engaged to be married. The only problem is he has cheated on her many times over the course of their relationship and slept with numerous other women. It's been kind of a "don't ask don't tell" situation, but all the guys are in on it. I'm technically not supposed to know this information, but my boyfriend told me in confidence before she and I became close. I'm actively helping her plan the wedding but I just can't shake the guilt I feel for knowing this and not telling her.

She is a great girl and does not deserve to marry someone who has cheated on her countless times. Supposedly he has stopped, but who really knows for sure? I want her to know what she's getting herself into before she commits to marriage and has her parents spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, but I know the damage I would cause by speaking up. I want to be a loyal friend, but I don't want to stir the pot. Should I tell or not? — Stuck in the Middle May


prefectiondiva prefectiondiva 8 years
This is tricky b/c there are so many things that can come out of this. Here are some things to consider: 1.If you tell her, this may break our r/s & the r/s's among all the friends. 2.She may fault me for ruining her future/marriage. 3.She may already know & is blind to the fact. That's her stupidity! 4.If u care for her so much, you would tell her because you care about her LIVELYHOOD, WELLBEING & HEALTH! That should say ALOT about how much u care but people are dumb enough not to look a that. 5.Put yourself in HER shoes: Would I want to know about my future hubby and what I will be getting into? 6.Should I be the life-saver to tell her about this? 7.What will happen if I don't tell her then later on she finds out that I knew beforehand?
danieller danieller 8 years
like to thank*
danieller danieller 8 years
Laur, Yes we did the right thing. I really hope she can get through this. Everyone else, I posted previously under notmyrealname(i wasnt sure if the bride was on here) and I also would thank to thank everyone for their input and support.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Well done for telling her, she needed to know.
lemamike lemamike 8 years
Update for anyone still checking: I am clearly giving myself away now but whatever... We told her last night. She was in disbelief at first of course but our boyfriends were there and supported us. She did not get mad at us at all and understood what a terrible position we were in and thanked us for being good friends. He has admitted to many things but I kniow it's not all of it. I spent the day with her today and she told him she won't marry him. Thanks for everyones comments and support.
meeshee meeshee 8 years
you MUST tell her. you MUST. there ARE a lot of tricky situations here. first of all, your boyfriend is the one who told you the information, so if you tell the bride-to-be, and when she confronts her fiancee, he will assume your boyfriend told you (because you two are together, duh.. who else would tell you?) and then HE will be mad.. then your boyfriend might get upset at you because he told you in confidence.. the bride-to-be might be mad. she might feel like you are trying to ruin her happiness. she might also be upset that waited so long to tell her.. why did you wait until her wedding was being planned to tell her, if you knew before? no matter who gets hurt, you must tell her.. you might have HER, your boyfriend, her fiancee, all mad at you.. but do it. write an anonymous note if you have to... whatever u do, just let her know
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I agree with GScott86. If they get married and she gets pregnant, what happens if he gives her herpes while she is pregnant? That can result in a child with serious problems and disabilities. Do you really want this on your conscience? And yes, you CAN contract herpes and genital warts even if you use condoms! Perhaps it is not your responsibility to tell. But please put yourself into her shoes and imagine how you would feel if she knew the same about your guy and didn't bother to tell you! Honestly, who cares if your bf gets mad at you. I truly think it says something about what kind of person he is if he is totally cool with what his friend has done, and worse yet, expects you to keep this nasty secret. Listen to your conscience, and do what you would want someone else to do for you. Good luck to you and hopefully if there is any evidence, make sure you have it there when you tell her. Also, I agree with what someone else said about getting a group of girls together. She really can't argue if you all tell her. Either way, be prepared that she might be angry at you. But I think that is a small sacrifice to make for knowing in your heart that you have done the right thing.
meechie meechie 8 years
looseseal put it VERY well diseases are serious and they are out their. If you want to keep the peace do it anonymously. Also too maybe you should look a little deeper into your own relationship your bf doesn't seem to have a problem with his friends behavior. You know the saying birds of a feather flock together.
356UIK 356UIK 8 years
I'm wondering why you're assuming that she doesnt already know. Maybe she knows and doesnt care. Maybe she cheats, too. Birds of a feather, you know?
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
If you dont have absolute proof, stay out of it.
geebers geebers 8 years
Thanks for posting nonmyrealname- I agree with above- all of you need to sit her down and do an intervention. I am happy you are going to tell her. Good for for all of you for making the right decision. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
okay, and now that i've read up to notmyrealname's post.....i think you guys should get together like an intervention (liek sundaygreen said) a place where she's comfortable, in a very non-threatening way, and tell her gently...don't invite anyone there who she doesn't like, make sure everyone there supports her and truly loves her, and she would feel comfortable crying in front of all of them, because she will....and know that she might not believe you, but you have to show her evidence and tell her you only have her best interests in mind
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i know this isn't the "right" answer but i would do what was best for me - would your boyfriend be really mad if you told? what does he think? would your group of friends hate you? would it make your social lives hell from now on? i wouldn't tell, if that was the case. but if your boyfriend is behing you telling her, then i'd tell her. i know this is a selfish way of thinking, but you don't technically owe her anything, and you could pretend forever that you had no idea.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
anon note is a good idea- but at the same time it might crush the girl and make her feel really 'alone' considering finding something like that out from a piece of paper with no one too look in the eyes is pretty much blindingly devastating. i do think you should tell her- in the most humanly, normal way possible. maybe 5 people will hate you but you will have saved one person's future. no one can persecute you for telling the truth for a greater good. if they do, reevaluate who your friends are.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
Well that post changes everything. You want advice on how to tell her? Stage a fucking intervention. She'd believe it if it came from ALL of you. If it's just one girl standing up and telling her the truth she might not believe it (or choose not to believe it), but if it's a bunch of ladies she knows she can trust - then take her out for coffee or go over to her house and just TELL her. And this guy sounds like a no good dickbag, he doesn't deserve to get married to anyone.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
wow. Thanks for clarifying, notmyrealname! eek! this situation is a major drama! as for telling her, I think all of you as a group should face up to him, tell him that you are going to let her know. Then tell her. I don't like the way he's been given a second chance to screw around some more - sure, he said he'd stop, but what about the damage he's already done? if he really was sincere and wanted to change, does that absolve him from his previous behaviour? I still think he should have told her. I think the only way to do it is as a group. Best of luck!
eastcoastgirl eastcoastgirl 8 years
Whoa,this is a terrible situation to be in! If you don't tell her she could end up married with children to a man who obviously has no morals! It may be a really hard thing, to do but this man won't change, and she deserves better don't you think?Someone said send an anonymous letter and maybe some proof, that way you won't have a problem in your relationship.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 8 years
Tell her, my uncle got aids because his boyfriend slept around. He passed away. I think sometimes thinks overpower the whole keeping to yourself analogy.
Smilesp Smilesp 8 years
Geez, just tell her already! There is no good way to tell a friend the person they care about most in the world is a lying, cheating,'s going to suck for all of you. Why are you sitting back and letting her continue to plan her wedding, sleep with this guy, and waste even more time on him? What are yall waiting for?? Tell her!!!
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
You do know there's no such thing as being safe where sex is concerned right? Direct semen/vaginal fluid isn't the only way to transfer and STD, in fact the risk goes up every time he has sex with a "random hoe." The fact still remains, she doesn't know he's a scumbag cheater and completely trusts him, therefore she deserves better. But I'm happy you're all going to tell her. It's not easy, but then again, it is. Everyone says life is easy/hard, but it's neither. It's how you handle situations. She needs to know, sooner than later. Every minute that goes by, is another chance for him to screw some other "random hoe" and then go back to her, have sex, and potentially pass on something. In addition, it also prolongs the hurt. It shouldn't have gotten this first. It's not like he did this once, he's done it multiple times, and frankly, if this has been going on before, an engagement shouldn't have even happened, she deserved to know the first time it happened, if anything certainly the second time. Just hope you're all ready for her reaction on this. You've all been keeping this from her and she definitely won't be happy to know that ALL of her "friends" have been keeping this secret from her. She will feel betrayed by you all (which well basically it is betrayal, even if no one else seems to think so, she certainly will). Maybe she'll keep the friendship, maybe she won't. But I certainly hope you all do this as soon as possible. And make sure she knows EVERYTHING. This is a very dangerous situation. I won't even say good luck to you all but more for her. I pray to God she comes out okay through all of this.
jodie_ohlala jodie_ohlala 8 years
Tell her anonymously in a way that she knows it's true.
designerel designerel 8 years
She needs to know, absolutely. Write an anonymous letter, but include details that let her know it's a friend of hers and not some person playing a horrible prank on her. Good luck.
notmyrealname notmyrealname 8 years
Wow! This got out of hand really fast. Too bad the whole story wasnt posted. As another friend who is in on this horrible secret, lets get a few things straight. 1. The bride to be, is not turning a blind eye, she truly feels that said guy would NEVER do this kind of thing. 2. The cheater has not stopped, it has been made known that he has been taking a girl out on dates for the past two and a half weeks. IN FACT this other girl was at a mutal friends place, saw the save the date magnet and FREAKED when she saw it becasue she assumed she was dating the cheater. 3. Defintely not second hand info, there are videos of cheaters indiscretions. 4. He once told us it was an open relationship, she stated otherwise. 5. While yes STD'S are a risk, he has made others well aware he's been safe with all the rando hoes. 6. Stop ragging on the boyfriends ladies, they are backing us on this, and are going to help us tell her. 7. We're well aware of the crowd of guys our boyfriends hang out with, were just lucky that theyre NOTHING like that crowd, they act more like their married friends. THANKFULLY. 8. Before the engagement, the cheater was talked to and was told to cut the shit if he was really planning on marrying this girl, he said he knew he had to stop. He actually had most of us fooled for awhile. This is not an easy situation, we truly thought he had stopped going behind her back. Turns out now he goes behind everyone else's too. We are planning on telling her, the author of the letter was more so looking for advice on how to handle telling her.
Colleeninator Colleeninator 8 years
Well put, looseseal.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
What's the worst case scenario if you don't tell? She may only find out someday when her children are born disease ridden and her own entire future and health ruined. That's gonna weigh on your conscience. What's the worst case scenario if you tell? You may lose all these people who are keeping terrible secrets that puts a woman in physical danger, either because they don't care or it's more convenient for them not to rock the boat. Not a big loss, if you ask me. I don't know about you, but the first worst case scenario is far more unacceptable to me. Therefore I would tell.
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