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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Tell My Friend the Truth?

DearSugar and Stuck In a Hard Place Heidi need your help. Her best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend, and Heidi learned through a mutual friend that he had cheated on her while they were still together. She's beyond upset with him but doesn't know what to do. Should she tell her friend? Should she confront him? If you've ever been in a situation like this, please give her some advice!

Dear Sugar,

My best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend of two years. For almost their entire relationship, she wasn't 100 percent convinced that he was her ultimate true love, but he loved her and she just knew that he'd be a great husband and an even better father. She realized that she was only staying with him out of fear of being alone so she finally did the right thing and ended it. She's obviously upset, but handling it pretty well.

This past weekend I was at a wedding, and a mutual friend told me that her ex had cheated on her when they were still together with a girl we both know from growing up. I'm just as upset for her as if it happened to me, and I don't know what to do. This girl happens to be very promiscuous so I'm seriously worried that he could have caught an STI from her and unknowingly passed it to my friend. She's always suffered from extremely low self-esteem so if I told her he cheated, especially with this specific girl, she'd be devastated. I know that what she doesn't know won't kill her, but I just feel like I'm being dishonest. What should I do?


vmruby vmruby 9 years
No.You have no proof other than hearsay that he actually cheated. There are other ways of getting her to go get tested for STD's if you're that concerned.In the long run it will spare her any more hurt feelings. The relationship is already over so there's no point in saying anything to her now. Let sleeping dogs lie.....
Sporky Sporky 9 years
I say keep out of it for now. It might be messier if you tell her something based on rumor. She needs to get over him and this may not be the way. After some time, she may be ready to hear it.
geebers geebers 9 years
If you are worried about STIs then just find a reason to get her to go. Maybe ask "hey how often do you get tested for STIs? I am going to go" etc and then find out- how do you know she has not been tested already? I also like the idea of asking her to get tested with you because you are nervous.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
"This is not your business to tell. You don't even know if it's true, so keep your mouth shut. Your friend should be getting tested for STDs regularly anyway . . . " This was my thinking, too. That's why I voted not to bring up the rumor.
BeautyXRush BeautyXRush 9 years
Also, don't tell her anything unless you know for a fact that its all true.
BeautyXRush BeautyXRush 9 years
Well the good thing is that they are broken up, but she should probably know that he was cheating on her at one point in their relationship. Find out if she's the type of friend that would be offended by you possibly bringing up this information to her, some people could get offended by that, even though they shouldn't. I honestly would tell her, but there isn't much she could do.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
This is not your business to tell. You don't even know if it's true, so keep your mouth shut. Your friend should be getting tested for STDs regularly anyway, and I like silly pickle's idea of making it your idea. That's all the due diligence you owe her - protect her health as much as is within your power, but don't spread gossip that will hurt her.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
You've got to tell her. She's going to be angry if she finds this out from someone else. I've just been through a breakup and I would DEFINITELY need to know this information. She's not going to buy the "just go and get tested" line. Be a real friend and give her the info, but be there for her if she needs you to lean on.
lily3484 lily3484 9 years
This is an issue between your best friend and her man. If your friend came to you with concerns of an STD or something, that would be a different story. I think that bringing it up wouldnt make the situation any better. Especially, if she has low self esteem to begin with.
cokerad cokerad 9 years
You could just tell her that at the end of every relationship that you always like to get tested so that when you eventually start dating a new guy, you can give him the peace of mind that you are clean and that you hope he had gotten tested at the end of his last relationship too. Ta-da! An easy way to help her health and not contribute to any more heartbreak.
meerkat meerkat 9 years
I've been in pretty much the same situation... Except that my best friend was a guy. I found out after he and his g/f broke up that she had been cheating on him... with his other best friend. After I found out that it was 100% true... as hard as it was, I let him know. I just couldn't stand that people were talking about my best friend being cheated on and he had no idea. Yeah, he was upset but he was really glad that I told him. If I was the one who was cheated on... I would want to know too... but that's just me... Good luck!
sweetpeabrina sweetpeabrina 9 years
There's no need to bring up the ex-boyfriend and his potential infidelity. If you're worried about her having a STI and not interested in stirring up drama just suggest going in to get checked for the sake of a new partner. (Hopefully) Any one new she gets involved with will want her to have a clean bill of health. Even though I like silly_pickle's idea, I can see that backfiring. If she ends up with a STI and you don't, then she'll demand to know what you know.
ally14 ally14 9 years
Woops sorry just realized my suggestions been suggested:) :P
ally14 ally14 9 years
I don't know if this has been suggested but instead of telling her and making her upset before anything is certain. maybe suggest you too should go get tested together just in case. If she IS positive, then do tell her what might have happened. This might upset her but health is more important than your friend being upset at you. In the long run, she'll thank you.
nina24 nina24 9 years
You owe it to your friend to tell her the truth, its the right thing. You have no loyalty to her ex and part of being a good friend is having to do the right thing even if it sucks sometimes.
emalove emalove 9 years
If it was my best friend, I would most CERTAINLY tell her what I'd been hearing...I would want to know if the roles were reversed.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I was thinking about just that, Silly_pickle. But i realize that some can get defensive about such stuff.
silly_pickle silly_pickle 9 years
How about you go and get tested together? Tell her you heard a rumor about one of your own exes, but you're afraid to get tested alone and would feel better if she got tested with you. At least this way you can avoid damaging her self esteem, and she can get tested in the process.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
I think u need to say something becasue this involve one's health.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
I would talk to the guy. He sounds like he's not a HORRIBLE person, and it's not because he made a mistake that he's going to endanger the life and health of a girl he dated for so long. So I'd have a chat with him about the rumor, and tell him, listen, if it's true, it's none of my business, but either get tested (for EVERYTHING, not just HIV!), or tell your ex gently, so she can take care of herself". What if he used protection? I'm thinking he probably did, and in that case, well, there's no other harm done than to the color of his soul. If he won't talk about it/get tested/come clean/do what's right, then you should tell her. If she has chlamydia, she could end up sterile. But I'd try the route that won't hurt her first!
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
omilawd- Contacting him probably isn't going to work. He's going to deny it and then he'll never tell you if he does have an STI. I'd never trust him saying that he was clean and you could keep if from her when he really had something. Until I read that the other girl is promiscuous I would have said not to tell her but she needs to know if she could have caught something. I think you need to tell her that you heard from someone (and not say who unless she presses you) that he'd cheated with someone who was promiscuous (again, don't say who) and you think she should get tested. Personally, that would make me hate the guy and get over him a lot faster. If I thought he was a great guy and he wasn't it would make me feel like it was a lie and I'd be able to get over it a lot quicker.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I definitely say confront him first, tell him that if he doesn't tell her that you will.
Chloe08 Chloe08 9 years
I disagree. You must tell her, especially since her health could be at risk. She doesn't need to know all of the gory details, but as her friend, you owe it to her to tell her what is being said. Just tell her that you know she is already hurting, but that you have heard her boyfriend may have cheated, and that she should get tested for STDs just to be safe.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
If I were you, I would stay out of it. Their relationship is over, and there is no reason to bring up this hurtful rumor.
sunnyheart sunnyheart 9 years
My post was too long, and I think omilawd is right, but mostly, if she's crying about what a great guy he is, don't let her be in the dark if you think her knowing about this tryst could help her move on.
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