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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Trust Them or Myself?

DearSugar and Don't Know What To Believe Bethany need your help. Her ex boyfriend has come back into her life and they want to get back together. They've both done a lot of growing up yet her friends don't think he's the one for her. They keep pushing her to look elsewhere but her heart is still with her ex so who should she trust: herself or her friends? Weigh in and tell her what you think.

Dear Sugar,

My first love recently came back into my life and confessed that he still has feelings for me. We broke up years ago and for good reasons; I was too young to be in a serious relationship and he had some trust and communication issues. Some time has passed and it sounds like he's committed to working through his issues. We didn't decide to get back together yet, but I know that there is strong love between us and I believe there is potential for something spectacular between us.

My friends are very worried and doubtful of him because he broke my heart in the past, and they keep reminding me that there are other "nice guys" out there. They point out all his flaws and tell me that I shouldn't give him any more chances. This whole situation has been incredibly hard as we go through a minefield of emotions, but I really think he's the one I want to settle down with. I know my friends are just looking out for me, but their lack of support is making me doubt myself. How do I know if I can trust my own feelings? My gut says go for it, but am I just being blinded by love? Are the outsiders looking in actually right?


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bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
Follow your heart. I was in the exact same situation and I'm married now very happily. It doesn't matter what other people say do what you know is right in YOUR heart no one else can tell you what to do. Also really consider what people have said and if it's true or if they just don't want you with this guy because of ulterior motives. Sometime friends seem well meaning wehn they are really just jealous or don't want to share you.
I say trust yourself. They may have a good view from the outside, but the only people that really know the ins and outs of a relationship are the ones in the relationship.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I recently read a very interesting study (can't remember where or I'd link it!!) that basically said that teen and young adult relationships are more likely to have an element of emotional or physical abuse than a more adult relationship. I really think it's because younger women don't have the greatest sense of self esteem and younger men are immature, and almost feel pressure from their friends to be jerks. My fiance commented to me recently that he knows that if he acted today like he did the first couple years we were dating,(trust issues, wanting to spend too much time with me, getting angry really easily, being rude to me) that I would now break up with him in a heartbeat. We broke up a few times, but he has really grown into an amazing person, and I am super happy. I'm not telling anyone to stay with an abusive, or jerky boyfriend, and certainly don't stay with them hoping that they'll change, but I really think that men and women do grow up and mature, and if you can have a second shot at the relationship when you're more mature, why not. Like others have said, if he's a jerk, then just end it. And I'm guessing if they haven't grown up by 25, it's not going to happen. :)
EdieSedgwick EdieSedgwick 9 years
This exact situation happened to me. We first dated unsuccessfully in 2003 when I was 19 and he was 20. Although there were hurt feelings on my part because he acted flaky and inconsiderate, we kept in sporadic touch for years. In 2006, he called me and told me that he wanted to be with me and he was willing to do anything to make it work. I was skeptical so I took the approach that pixelhaze suggested and dated other people as well as him for about 5 months. By the end of that period I was convinced that I only wanted to be with him. Although things have been a little bumpy at times because of trust issues arising from our first time dating, our relationship grows stronger as time goes on. We have been together for a little over two years now and he is the kindest, most wonderful boyfriend and we plan on spending the rest of our lives together. I am so glad that I took a chance on him. I think that my willingness to take a chance combined with his determination of wanting to be with me, and our ability to be patient and loving for the most part, have made our relationship work. If I had listened to my friends, I wouldn't be with the love of my life now. Follow your heart, guard it well, and give trust when it is earned. Good luck!
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
You really should take your friends' words into consideration. If you don't think they're poor friends who would willingly sabotage your relationship to feel better about themselves, then why would they tell you these things unless they really meant it? Sometimes people become so caught up in their deep emotions from the past (as you've already admitted to doing,) that they're blinded to their man's faults. Friends provide the outside perspective you need and let you know what's really going on. You don't necessarily have to follow their advice word for word, but don't completely disregard it.
sunnyheart sunnyheart 9 years
Normally I think to myself, well Asia's already posted, so now I don't need to post. When in doubt, listen to Asia. But on this one, if you were 18, and now you're 26, I'd say listen to karlotta. If you go for it, and it doesn't work, then you know that and you can walk away forever without thinking about what might have been. Better to not have to look back and wonder--that's hard on a soul. If you are just lonely and he was an *sshole to you, then maybe take that more in to consideration. Or if you're the OP, give us some more details.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
Uhm, in regards to your the fuck what? Really, when MY ex came back, despite the hell he put me through, we got back together and we BOTH have changed for the better. By September, we'll have been together for a year, and we're moving in together next June. You've told us that you two ended for solid reasons, and that you both have grown up. I say go for it, and good luck.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
While friends offer supportive advice, following your gut instinct is best. I am a firm believer of solving your own problems...even in a group of supportive girls. Stay true to yourself and don't let no supportive best friend pick your dates or some so-called supprotive friend want you to be single with them... *Wink wink*
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I agree with Karlotta, but I'm still kinda unsure because I need a little more details. But all I can say is follow your heart. And if it doesn't work out, then now you know for sure that he's not the one. Better to know instead of keep wondering. But you guys should talk first before getting back together.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
You're a grown woman. You think and feel for yourself, so bottom-line, you know what's best for you. Although your friends may mean well, they do not live directly with your decisions. You do, so ultimately, it's your call. When it comes to yourself (your love life, your professional life, your money, etc.), do not substitute other people's judgement for yours. That's an irrational thing to do. CONSIDER other people's input in making YOUR decision, but do not SUBSTITUTE their reasoning for yours. Granted, you MAY end up making a mistake. But that's okay as long as you learn from it (and provided you did the best with what you had). That's all you could have done. That's part of life. With that said, follow YOUR heart and reasoning. You decide whether or not your want to reconcile with your ex. Good luck.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
There is a Chinese saying: "Good horses do not eat the grass behind their ass." (rough translation) That basically means you don't go back to something that already has crap all over it. I think it's too much that you think you might want to settle down with him already. That screams "blinded by love" to me. If you feel you must give him a chance, at least do so with caution, don't jump into anything too serious too fast. If you feel like you can't possibly be cautious with this guy, then maybe your friends are right and this really is a bad idea.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 9 years
Me and my boyfriend had a lot of back and forth before we started our relationship because we lived in different countries at the time. He said and did a couple of things that really hurt my feelings so when he moved to my country I decided that I would not start a romantic relationship with him. Two years later we are living together and he is truly one of the kindest and most trustworthy people I have ever met. People CAN change.
Frzkey Frzkey 9 years
Your friends obviously care about you and don't want to see you hurt. However that's kind of their job to look out for you and make sure they don't let you go somewhere you'll regret without trying to warn you. In the end the decision is still yours and if you have feelings for them you owe it to yourself to explore those so you don't end up with any regrets (so long as he wasn't in ANYWAY physically, emotionally or mentally abusive there's no do overs for that kind of relationship imnsho sorry.) It's your heart you have the right to put it on the line and see if it gets broken. But it's really good to know you've got the kinds of friends that are looking out for you anyway, just in case you need to cry on their shoulders later.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 9 years
How old where you back then?? People can change, but only up to a certain point . . . And your friends do have a good perspective here that you can't have because you're not thinking rationally. In any case, in matters of the heart, sometimes you can't think rationally. So give it a shot - but VERY carefully. You say this is the man for you - but don't get engaged tomorrow. Date him casually for a while. And date other men too. Compare, gauge how he is with you and how hard he is trying this time around. If he's asking you to come back after you had very good reasons for breaking up then now it is up to him to make you fall in love all over again and to prove that this time his intentions are good. Treat it as though it were the first date all over again. It might take you longer but you should really know what's going on within the first two weeks - if he hasn't wowed you and your friends then he hasn't changed and won't ever change, so cut him loose. Good luck :)
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
He must have done something f*cked up the last time, or else you wouldn't even be questioning it. I'm all for love (don't laugh), but think about it; time has passed, and the things that you liked about him have probably changed, or you like different things now. you say he's you first love, and now you're saying you want to settle down with him possibly... were you like a dingy 22 year old, and now a 32 year old thirsty for love and want to go back to what you know?? i dunno...i need more details
Fallen85 Fallen85 9 years
Our ex's are our ex's for a reason. He hurt you badly in the past, he broke your heart and while some people do grow up, they rarely change. I side with your friends on this because, unlike you, they're not blinded by "love". They know what this guy is capable of and just because he says he loves you and wants to get back together with you doesnt mean he's going to treat you any differently then before after he's gotten comfortable with you again. Go find someone who hasnt already broken your heart, who your friends can actually respect and someone who is actually worth your time. I can probably guarantee that if you start dating your ex again, you will soon regret it. Good luck.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
You'll never know unless you go for it. You know things about him that they don't. And yes, we love people for reasons others can't understand or see, and we forgive them flaws that others wouldn't - but it doesn't make us any less happy to be with them - sometimes to everyone's bafflement. So if YOUR heart is into it, don't walk away. You would always regret it. If it doesn't work out, well, it doesn't work out. But at least you'll be able to leave him in the past and really move on. I think you still really love him, for your own reasons that you don't have to justify to anyone. My friends told me not to go back to my current BF, because he could be an absolute jerk. Well... he still can. LOL. But I love my guy for a million other reasons, and so what if he turns into an insensitive asshole 4 hours a month? He's my insensitive asshole. And I've been crazy about him for many years, and he makes me incredibly happy. Your life is your own. Your heart is your own. You do what YOU want. If I were you, I'd spend some time doing some intense positive reinforcement with your friends. Only talk about what's great about the guy. Show them how happy you are he's back in your life. If you go around looking all confused and tormented and asking them for advice on the bad stuff he used to do, they sure ain't gonna jump for joy for you. Good luck! I believe in second chances. I'm in love with one right now. 2 years later, and still happy (except for 4 hours a month!)
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