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DearSugar Needs Your Help: What Should He Do?

DearSugar and Torn Thomas need you help. He's in love with his girlfriend of three years but he doesn't carry the torch for her like he used to. While he still enjoys being with her and having that close connection, their sexual connection is just not there. He's at a loss so ladies, give this guy some advice!

Dear Sugar,
I have been in a great relationship with my partner for almost three years. She is loyal, loving, caring and we have a lot of fun together. My problem is that as much as I love her and want to spend all my time with her, I don't want to have sex with her anymore! I love cuddling and kissing, but for the past year, we have sex infrequently and when we do, I pretend she is someone else. It's an awful cycle; I feel guilty and she feels undesirable — it's a no win. I'm still attracted to other women and want to have sex with them, just not my partner! I don't want to let her go, but I'm also too young to write off my sex life so what should I do?


Join The Conversation
Tassie Tassie 8 years
I agree that some people are being a little harsh. Relationships take work, and this guy obviously has feelings for his girlfried still, so its probably worth at least trying to work on it, maybe spice it up a little, or just make an effort to focus on each other. If he doesn't get his feelings for her back, he's not betraying her if he breaks it off because he can't love her like she needs, relationships run their course.
MissChita MissChita 8 years
I heard this quote from a movie - you cant help WHO you love, but you can chose HOW you love them. And you may very well love her, but no longer in a romantic way. Therefore, stop wasting your time, and hers, and let her go. And yes, it may be hard because you have that history with her and you genuinely dont want to hurt her, but like others said before, the romance has ran its course. Let her go and move on... and a side note: you may want to wait until you are in a committed relationship (waiting until marriage would be even better) and you feelings are true for the next lady before you get romantically involved with her. Best of luck to you!!!
Francoisehardly Francoisehardly 8 years
It sounds like it's better off being a friendship than an actual relationship.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 8 years
that poor girl. youre wasting her time. its very sweet that you still care so deeply for her but you are being completely unfair to her. imagine how hard this is for her. you need to cut the cord and throw your fishy back in the water. let her find someone else and you should do the same.
missyd missyd 8 years
Why are you not attracted to her is one big part of this that you left out. HUGE part. You absolutely need to nail that down. Is ti physical? Did she gain a lot of weight, etc? You obviously were at one point attracted. What changed was it physical? Move on dude. You are being extremely unfair to her. Which is pointing to that fact that you do not love her.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I think that sometimes a relationship goes through a phase where keeping the excitement and sexual passion alive takes work. Imagine being with someone for 30 years- it takes work to make the sex good. still. There was a point where you felt that way for her-what has changed since then?? Have your feelings changed for her or are you just bored? Do you feel like she is no longer a challenge now so you lost interest? If you really want to stay with her, I think you should seek couples counselling as well as counselling for yourself. It is not fair to her to be with and imagine other women. She probably feels terrible about herself and her body now. If she is an attractive girl, there are plenty of men who would want her in the way you do not. You should let her be free to have a normal sex life if the counselling doesn't work. Because as a woman, she deserves to feel beautiful, sexy and lusted after by her bf.
Xemena Xemena 8 years
i think its best if you tell her how much you care for her and how you enjoy your time together and you are affraid this amazing relationship might not last as a couple and then tell her hey lets just be friends and then you can say that you want to be her best friend and always be there for her and bla bla bla . or if she didnt like that idea you can tell her you are gay and dont let her find out your with other woman!!!!!!!!
Red77 Red77 8 years
I have been where you are. It's hard to face it, but it's time for you and her to move on and be with someone who loves you in every way. You aren't in love with her, but you do love her. It's hard to do but you have to take off your good boyfriend hat and think about what would make you and her happy.
geebers geebers 8 years
I don't agree with just letting her go - especially if the only thing that sucks is the sex. Were you EVER attracted to her? If so - you can regain it. Try different positions- role-playing - doing more fun stuff. It will take time but it can happen. On the other hand, if you are really young - I say let her go. You probably have just grown out of the relationship and need to move on.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Look, this is why my boyfriend and I broke up after 3 years and I am torn. On the one hand, you're both young and everyone deserves to be desired and have a good sexual relationship. On the other hand, what do you think long term relationships are like? Every single relationship has a lull, from my understanding. If you really, genuinely desire other women and you think there is no chance for you to desire her sexually again, then you need to break up with her. I guarantee she will find someone who wants her.
yadiet yadiet 8 years
why don't you try a weekend getaway with your lady to see if the fire comes back into your life. Now, if it doesn't than you should take the advice of some of these ladies and let her go. But never lie too her. Tell her exactly what you feel. But then again don't tell her you have been dreaming of sleeping with other women. Just be true to yourself and her. Its unfair to both of you that neither of you are living the lives that you want too. Hope this helps. Good Luck
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
If you've tried before to spice up your bedroom life w/ her and still hasn't's time to move on. Let her go. She needs and deserves to be with a man who sexually finds her attractive as well as meeting her other needs emotionally, and don't worry, she WILL find that man. Be nice though, don't tell her that 1) you're fantasizing about other females when you guys were together (That's going to give her complex) and 2) you don't find her sexually attractive anymore...just tell stuff like how you don't see it going anywhere, or unsure about the future for the both of you (or throw an 'It's not you, it's me' crap). I know, it's kind of a lie giving that excuse, but telling her how she's not sexually attractive to you anymore (plus the fantasizing of other females) can squash her even worse than just getting the usual, 'It's not you, it's me' speech, since you do love her, I'm sure you don't want to give her a (maybe) lifelong complex in regards the bedroom area.
Meike Meike 8 years
I've seen several other topics here where women have exhibited the same feelings about their significant others. A man who feels this way is no different from them. To generalize men as just men who never fall in love is simply unfair. Obviously, communication is key and there seems to be a lack of it. Does she know you're even feeling this way? Somehow, the both of you need to learn how to spice it up in the bedroom and if that isn't the solution, then there is something more problematic in your relationship with her than just the sex life.
MisterPinkNoTip MisterPinkNoTip 8 years
Good advice Berlin. I think some people here are being a litle harsh, but I agree that if things don't move forward (after some effort), then he should let her go.
jessie jessie 8 years
if the man truly loves her and sees a future with her, but sex has gone downhill, then he needs to fix it. what worked for dh and i, and this is from a marriage counsolor......force yourself, meaning, make passes at your partner, tell her she's the sexiest thing you've ever seen or touched. kiss her like you mean it. call her during the day if you both work and flirt with her. focus your attention all on her, and try to even in bed. even though your mind will tend to wander, try your hardest not to. bring yourself back to focus with touching her or looking at her face. when you begin to show more attention to her bedroom, things just might take a turn for the better. good luck to you!
austerity austerity 8 years
Wow, men are just men, aren't they. I mean this guy is so easily able to separate the one he loves from the girl(s) he's attracted to. It disheartens me. Do men ever fall in love at all? sorry to sound imo :P
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 8 years
Tell her! Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Maybe she's feeling the same way, or maybe try spicing things up in the bedroom. If it doesn't work then part ways. I definitely don't think you should continue on this direction.
andremott211 andremott211 8 years
You suck, you figure out what you need to spice things up or get out. She's not a mind reader. If you want to stay in the relationship start working on it.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
I think you two should discuss it as tactfully as possible and give it one or two last shots -- maybe you need a romantic getaway or something to jump start it. If that doesn't work, you can go your separate ways without too many hard feelings.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 8 years
I agree with wren also. It's not fair. Especially that you're imagining other girls while you're having sex with your girlfriend. Stop being selfish and let her go. Obviously you want to be with someone else.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree -- let her go. She's not the one for you. Personally speaking, my husband and I have been together for over 10 years. He is still aroused by me. He jokes that he has a permanent erection whenever I'm around. Because of this, I'm led to believe your girlfriend is not the one. JMHO.
jaxon jaxon 8 years
Ladies, i feel like your judging this man too harshly. Stop treating him like a bad guy... My advice is more along the lines of Berlin. I think you need to get to the root of what caused the lack of attraction and work from there. If you really feel like the flame cannot be relit, then let her go... Try to reinvent ur sex life before u jus throw it away...
lolalu lolalu 8 years
I agree with wren. I think staying with her would be pretty selfish. You should let her be with someone who will love the total package! Its completely unfair to tell her your in love with her but pretend she's someone else during sex. She deserves better, and if you really love her you'll let her go.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Have you even discussed this with her? Because saying, "I'm still attracted to other women and want to have sex with them" is not only insensitive and it doesnt sound like you're trying to figure out what the issue is. What is she just there for your convenience? Her feelings matter too.
zabrow zabrow 8 years
it sounds like you've fallen into being best friends rather than boyfriend & girlfriend. it's not fair to her to keep her around if you're attracted to other women, just not her. she'll find someone else eventually that will love her entirely & you'll find someone else who you'll share that connection with AND be attracted to. time to let her go & go your separate ways.
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