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DearSugar Needs your Help:

DearSugar and Betrayed Brianna need your help. Her best friend's boyfriend isn't the biggest fan of her live in boyfriend and didn't invite him to their wedding. Brianna is devastated that it was more important for him to not have him at their wedding than it was to have her -- so what should she do? Should she tell her friend how betrayed she feels even though she is basking in the glory of this happy time?

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My best friend from college's fiancé has decided he doesn't like my live in boyfriend, who he has met twice, and has decided not to invite him to their wedding. This led to me, very calmly, telling my best friend that we are a team and we come as such, and that if he was not invited, I was going to have to step down from my bridesmaid's duties and not attend the wedding.

We have not spoken since, with the exception of attending our mutual best friend's bachelorette party where we both successfully put our problems aside in favor of celebrating the bride. The problem? I am SO angry. I feel betrayed that it was more important for her fiancé to NOT have my boyfriend at the wedding than it was for her to HAVE me at the wedding. I'm sick over the fact that this is the end of the line for our relationship, which has been an amazing thing for the past near-decade of our lives, and beyond hurt that she would allow this to happen. I'm not usually a dweller, but I can't seem to get past this, to the point where it's affecting my other relationships (my girlfriends and my boyfriend, especially) because I'm so afraid to let someone get that close to me only to turn around and throw it over for a petty problem (and it is petty--I've known her fiancé for years and he's done this in a smaller form to a whole slew of people in that time). I'm restraining myself from writing her a tell-all letter, because I still feel as though this is a happy time in her life and I don't want to ruin that for her...but another part of me is asking myself why I even care, considering how unhappy I am. I guess I'm just a mess, and any advice?


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onesong onesong 10 years
i agree with facin8me, mf, bluejeanie, vmruby, and lilxmissxmolly. i mean, you wouldn't really be taking your relationship with your boyfriend very seriously (or at least, not seriously enough to be living with him) if you said to him, "by the by, this person hates you, but i'm going to go and be there for them anyway." i mean, what sort of relationship would you be able to sustain with them after the wedding after they've made it clear that they are not interested in even acknowledging your significant other...even if only out of sheer etiquette? not to mention, but this is not JUST your best friend's day--it's her fiance's day, as well, and i can totally understand not having any desire to be there for them. and to all of you saying it's a money issue--i'm sorry, but that makes no sense. why on earth would they say "it's because we don't like him" if it was truly "we don't have the financial wherewithal to have him attend? i mean, heck--wouldn't that have been a kinder and more courteous option in the first place, just telling brianna that they couldn't afford to have her bring her boyfriend, and that they were sorry, and kept the rest of it to themselves? sounds like you lost someone not worth keeping, but i wouldn't write a letter. just let it drop and be the bigger person. as someone mentioned, you'll get a call about the divorce soon enough!
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 10 years
I'm actually on your side. I think that it is wrong that having you be a bridesmaid at your best friends wedding was less important than some petty dislike her fiance has for your boyfriend. I would write a letter after the wedding, but in it just say how you miss their friendship, say that you felt hurt, etc., etc., but also make sure you apoligize for making her choose btwn. her fiance and you.
vmruby vmruby 10 years
There's not alot more i can add to facin8me's ,mf's or bluejeanie's posts. I agree 100% with the both of you. And seriously it's not as if it's just the four of them closed up in a room together.I would never, ever ask my friend to make a choice like that no matter how much i disliked her man because i care about her and i'd really want her there on the most important day of my life. So i'm sure i could spare her feelings and tolerate him for her sake.Who the hell is thinking about that shizz on their wedding day. Give me a break.....
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
yes, it was harsh to give her an ultimatum like that but seriously, not inviting your boyfriend is beyond rude. as it's been stated earlier, everyone who has planned a wedding knows that there are going to be people there that you don't always want. i had to invite my grandfather's wife even though i don't like her because she is married to my grandfather. you two live together and she knows this, it is rude and an insult not to invite him. try talking to her if you want to preserve the friendship but this one is going to be hard. she knows that she is being rude. there is no way that she cannot.
mf mf 10 years
facin8me i agree with 100% :) even though you are obviously much sweeter than me!
mf mf 10 years
um..your friend presented YOU with an ultimatum by insisting YOU make a choice between her wedding and being inclusive and considerate to your boyfriend. that's seriously not cool. you letting her know that if that's the case you will choose to be respectful to you boyfriend shows alot of character. i'm sure it's a really hard thing to do given how much you obviously care for your friend. it was really tacky of her to use her wedding in this way. i guess i just don't get the new generation's "super sweet 16" rude, exclusionary, spoiled brat approach to "hosting" an event.
mf mf 10 years
i've got a few years on some of the people here and i can tell you from experience, that given your friend's fiancee's controlling nature, their marriage will have some serious issues. obviously, this is not about "the wedding". you're not making a big deal out of this. SHE is. it is petty, but it's not you that is being petty about it. as the bridesmaid, she should want you to be a part of it. this is not an appropriate time for HER to make a statement. being "the bride" doesn't give you license to be rude and dismissive. even if your pal is a complete doormat who is willing to dispose of any important part of her life or personality to suit him, eventually, that will be tough to live with. so, say goodbye, with the understanding that your dignity and worth as a friend is important, even if your friend can't scrounge enough of her own self-worth or identity to have your back as a friend... and look forward to a phone call sometime in the future about the divorce. on the other hand, if she's just scapegoating him and it's REALLY her that doesn't want your bf there. well, then, she's not much of a friend anyway. so who cares?
nessabum nessabum 10 years
i'm with facin8me. there are two sides and out of politeness, your boyfriend should be invited because you two are an obvious couple. sometimes people you don't even know end up at your own wedding out of obligation. but you don't even have to look their way or talk to them if you don't want to. but there's also that point in there being that IS your best friend's wedding, not yours. so really, what she says goes, no matter what.
sass317 sass317 10 years
I think you are being incredibly petty- this is their day, not to mention the fact that its not so fun being the date of someone in a bridal party anyway- your bf wouldnt see you all day bc you would be with the bride and then he would have to sit by himself during the ceremony, and depending on the seating arrangement, through the reception as well. You are all "we are a team" , but you get mad at your friend for siding with her fiance? Your logic makes no sense. its also possible that since her fiance has only met your bf twice, he would rather spend the money to have someone he is friends with come to the wedding instead. All of my friends were very understanding about it. Except one girl who is the daughter of a good friend of my mother, and a total spoiled brat. I have known her my entire life but I havent seen this girl in years and never met the douche she is dating (and he is a total jerk, her mother tells us all about it) and she had the audacity to call (on my mother's birthday no less) and give her an ultimatum, if she cant bring him then she wouldnt be coming to the wedding. My mom said, sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you. She didnt come to the wedding, but her mother, grandmother, aunt and uncle were there. I honestly couldnt have cared less if she came to the wedding, but she was extremely rude and disrespectful to my mother, and I wont tolerate that.
trendyindc trendyindc 10 years
Hopefully now you've read all our comments and realize how completely immature you're being. I would leave my S.O. at home if it were requested, because it's my best friend's day and if it makes them miserable to deal with him, guess what you just have to suck it up (and possibly reevaluate who you're dating). And a tell all letter? Really it sounds to me like you are being over dramatic and really should consider writing an apology letter.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
It sounds like you are being the immature one. You are stepping down from your BEST friends happiest day of your life because you can't bring your boyfriend?? Are you serious? It is their wedding and their money that they are spending on everyone. I am sure they had to not only cut your boyfriend from the list but cut a lot of coworkers, old friends and extended family members. I was not allowed to bring my boyfriend to my cousins wedding. They were on a tight budget and I was a bridesmaid. I would never THINK to say "If I can't have my boyfriend there I don't want to be your bridesmaid!" You are going to be sooooo busy as a bridesmaid taking pictures, running around after the bride etc you are not going to have time to be with your boyfriend. I was grateful not have a date at my cousins wedding - he would have been alone 80% of the time. My suggestion is if you really love your best friend, then you need to apologize to her and hope that she lets you back into the wedding. You cannot force your best friends future husband to like your guy or ANYONE. It is their wedding! You are going to RUIN your DECADE long relationship with your best friend over one day? Over one party? Maybe 12 hours at the most! Come on! If you ruin this friendship over this and later down the road you break up with your boyfriend, imagine how you are going to feel?! Really stupid huh? p.s if you ruin this relationship with her, who is going to stand by you at your wedding? Or are you going to try and get revenge on her and NOT invite the husband? Usually I am not this harsh on GT, but this one really set me off.
facin8me facin8me 10 years
Etiquette generally dictates that if a wedding guest (especially somebody in the wedding party) has been in a long term relationship with another person, you invite that other person as well. If this was a financial decision, the best friend could have said as much but she didn't- it's clear the SO isn't being invited because the groom doesn't like him. Anybody here who has planned a wedding knows that sometimes you end up inviting people you don't want there. Acting like "it's my wedding and I'm not going to have a single person around who I don't like" isn't practical, mature, or realistic. I see a way bigger issue here. "Brianna" mentions that her friend's fiance has behaved this way towards a "whole slew of other people" in that past few years- is it possible that the fiance is controlling and trying to isolate the best friend from people around her? The fiance had to know that excluding "brianna's" livein boyfriend would cause tension between the two friends- possibly a broken friendship is the intended outcome here. I'm not sure if "brianna's" boyfriend really wants to go to the wedding- if he does want to go, then the best friend actually issued the first ultimatum (either you come without your boyfriend, or you don't come to the wedding at all). If he doesn't want to go to the wedding, then maybe "Brianna" should just suck it up and be supportive. It sounds like with the "quality" of guy that her best friend is marrying, her friend might need all the friendship and help she can get in the future. And really, how many of you would leave your boyfriends/husbands at home if you were in the same situation?? Either way, the best friend and the fiance need to be hit upside the head with an etiquette book.
jhuck jhuck 10 years
I'm sure this was a very hard decision for your friend before your ultimatum. She probably had a very long talk with her fiancee, and in the end, it is their wedding. It's their day. Also, if her fiance has a history of doing this to people, you shouldn't take it so personally. He's got a problem. Just take comfort in the fact that you are with someone who doesn't do this to others.
tawndy00 tawndy00 10 years
I would have to agree with cgmaetc and popgoestheworld. It is their choice to invite who they want to invite as it's their big day and not yours. Have you tried talking to your friend and her husband-to-be why they don't like your boyfriend? They could be seeing something about your boyfriend that you don't see. Another reason mentioned above might be money problems. We're saying no to a lot of our friends who want to bring their boyfriends/girlfriends. Ours is because of financial reasons and personal reasons. We can't afford to pay extra for people we barely know and we don't want anyone who we barely know to join us in our celebration. We think of a wedding as a time for our family and close friends to celebrate our big day. It would be fun to have more people to join but since we're paying for it, we want only our family and close friends there. It could be the same for your friend. You should talk to them and find out. As for dropping out of being a bridesmaid because of this, your friend was not being a bad friend. You were the one who wasn't a good friend to her. Your acting selfish on her big day and she is now stress that she lost a bridesmaid and need to replace you. I'm hoping that she hasn't made many plans for her bridesmaid yet which would probably stress her out even more. I know I would be.
Marci Marci 10 years
Well......I actually see both sides of this situation. It's not like her boyfriend is just a casual guy in her life. They're living together. So normally, that person would be part of the invitation - particularly since was in the bridal party. The snub is large, in my view. And I would imagine there are lots of people invited to that wedding who have even less of a reason to be there. So I can understand the hurt feelings insofar as that. That being said: The bottom line is it's their wedding and they can run it anyway they want. If they really don't want this guy there, that's their choice and not yours. The ultimatum was a bad idea if you really were interested in maintaining a friendship with this girl. Sometimes we just have to suck up things we don't like and go along with it for people we care about. That's real life. And it's a day that is about those two people getting married and nothing more. It's not about you, it's about them.
candy-apple candy-apple 10 years
i agree with pop and cgmaetic. i think you're the one making a fuss about a petty problem. this is their wedding, they're probably stressed out enough about money/invites as it is. why don't you be a friend and make it easy on your friend? seriously- think about it. if you were getting married and one of your bridesmaids wanted to bring her boyfriend whom you absolutely hate, would you really want to spend an extra 100$ just to make them both happy? the wedding should be about the couple, not the guests. besides- it's not even your friend who disapproves of your boyfriend, it's her future husband. what you just did was mess things up not only between your friend and yourself but probably instigated a fight bewteen her and her future husband over inviting your boyfriend. not only that but you went on to punish her for something that wasn't HER decision but pulling out on your bridesmaid duties! did it ever occur to you that you just put your friend in the most horrible postion in the one time of her life that should be her happiest? you and her fiance are on opposing sides of a conflict that your friend doesn't really have any part in (your boyfriend). why on earth would you think that on the day of her wedding your friend would choose to side with you rather than with her own future husband? why you feel betrayed is beyond me. not inviting your bf was not her decision, she just sided with her fiance because after all it's HIS wedding too. now she is being blamed for everything by her so-called-friend. she's the one who should feel betrayed.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
You were the one who gave the ultimatum, not her. I personally don't respond well to ultimatums and probably would have done the exact same thing that your friend did. It's their wedding, and they have the right to invite or not invite whom they want. In any case, if you want to salvage the relationship, you need to talk to this girl and air it out. Going around being passive agressive and ignoring each other isn't going to help matters.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
I just read the second part after the jump: I can't believe you asked your best friend to choose between her future HUSBAND and you! That's just immature. That man is going to be her husband... you are just her friend. Is he really that bad of a guy? Maybe your boyfriend IS obnoxious, and he wasn't invited for a reason. I'd say you owe her a HUGE apology. Not only did you add to her wedding stress by dropping out of the wedding, but you are plotting to ruin her future happiness by exposing embarrassing moments from her/his past? Revenge, much?
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
It's their wedding, they are probably paying $50 or more per person, so they can invite (or not invite) anyone they want. Would you want someone at YOUR wedding you really didn't care for? If you were married to they guy, I'd say you'd have cause to complain. Get over it. Leave your man at home, be a supportive friend, and go to your friend's wedding with a smile and good attitude.
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