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DearSugar Needs your Help: Is our Relationship Over?

DearSugar and Am I Over it Aimee need your help. She moved in with her boyfriend too soon and now feels like their relationship is a lost cause. Do you have any advice for her?

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I am 20 years old and have been living with my 22 year old boyfriend. Two weeks after we started dating, I moved into his place. I was living with his friend while I was looking for a place of my own, and it just happened that he asked me to live with him. Now we have been together 9 months and have gone through a lot together. He takes care of me and he is a wonderful and decent man. BUT, we have been fighting really badly for the past 4 months and now we have to find a new place to live (our lease is up). I have reservations about signing a new lease with him because I feel that we have already tainted our relationship by moving in right away, a situation that is clearly not perfect.

I shouldn't blame everything on him, I am finding myself being mean to him lately and his lack of common sense bothers me to no end. I feel
like I am subconsciously driving him away. I am completely split because I love him, I really do, but I'm not in love with him. How do I make a decision that is going to change my whole world? I really need help, I just don't know what to do anymore, my heart is split in half as is my mind!


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masteryasir masteryasir 7 years
good jock
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 10 years
like everyone else said, you don't have to break up but don't sign the lease.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
The fact your lease is up is your way to break away from him. I think moving in with him right after you both got together was a mistake. This is your chance to get your own place and re-build your relationship. Explain to him how you have been feeling the last couple months and how living together is putting a strain on your relationship. Tell him it would be better for the both of you to grow living apart as well has help grow your relationship.
CatarinaBella521 CatarinaBella521 10 years
I'm with cg and the rest, don't move in with him, you love your friends & family, you should be in love with your partner
lisett lisett 10 years
Don't end it, just be more independent and move in somewhere by yourself. Break it to him in the sense that you guys are only dating. By that you could look forward to live with him in your future, if that how the road leads, it may not.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Be careful equating butterflies with love. There is lust and falling in love and dreamy honeymoon feelings, and there is what comes after. And in what comes after, you love the person despite not feeling butterflies every time you see them, and you love them despite getting in little arguments. I agree she took it too fast and it sounds like it's not the right one, but anyone expecting the honeymoon to continue forever will be repeatedly disappointed.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
You know the answer. You already said you are not in love with him but love him. I did the same thing in college and re-signed a lease with a man I was not in love with but loved as a human being just not to hurt his feelings and we did not even bicker. I wasted precious time and at the end I did not make it a full second term of the lease and finished moving out anyway !
sunrisesmile09 sunrisesmile09 10 years
I DID THE SAME THING! Sweetie, let me be the first to tell you..LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE!!!! My now ex ( we were to be married this August) and I first lived together in his house for a year. The arguing started within 30 days of me moving in his place. Then I moved out, and got my own place. We continued to see each other ( yes, still bickering over everything just not as frequent because I would retreat to my own place), until I came to the conclusion that I had enough, and that I wasn't as happy as I could really be. We broke up for about a month ( note: I was meeting new people and really enjoying myself during that time) then he comes with the saddest, most pathethic confession about his "love" for me, and an engagement ring. I must have been blinded by the bling because I accepted the ring, and let him MOVE IN MY PLACE! Complete hell for another year ( he got worse after we were engaged) and I just woke up last week Tuesday and said ENOUGH forever!!!! Take it from me...dont waste your time! There is a reason that you are not head over heels now.....the heart always knows. Get your own place so you will be free to meet the one that gives you butterflies whenever he enters the room.
kendallina kendallina 10 years
I just ended an engagement because of a similar situation, though he owns the house I lived in. We were getting ready to sell it to move into a new house where both of our names would be on the deed, but I realized I didn't want to be stuck in a new place with a man I was no longer in love with and I went out yesterday and got myself an apartment. I have one more week living with him and it's going to be hard announcing my engagement is off and whatnot, but I had to do it for myself. Good luck and follow your gut instinct, which sounds like you want out of the relationship.
Princess-Rebecca Princess-Rebecca 10 years
I think you already know what you have to do... Get out of there, get your own place it's maybe the only way to save your realtionship if you still want it. Because I don't think you do, he has just become you friend... It's not a good idea to move in so quickly...
Marci Marci 10 years
It does sound like you need to get your own place and have some time to yourself. It doesn't sound like you're fully into the relationship, so there's no point in continuing to live together. Just do what you need to do for yourself.
kayden kayden 10 years
Well, your 20 years old and you need to just learn from this experience. Never put all your eggs in one basket! My advice, go do your own thing. Re-connect with your friends and never stop being around friends because of a guy. The sun should not rise and set on a guy. Guys actually like women who have other interest in life. Date other people if he's disconnecting with you . You may find someone way better than him. At 20 you have a large selection of guys available to you. You should go to college, trade school, or even the military if you don't have a lot of options. You will have a place to stay and get paid, you don't have to do it forever. What ever you heart desires, just do it for yourself. You need peace in you life the hell with living in a stressful situation. "Dating With Out Drama" go online and check out this book. I suggest you read this book it changed the way I look at myself and dating guys. He should be happy to have you!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Nothing will take the romance out of a relationship faster than moving in together right away! Just learn from your mistake and move on.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
"how do i make a decision that is going to change my whole world" says it all; you already made the decision you just need to find a way to carry it out. you are only 20 and 22; your world is going to expand for a long time. both of you will meet other people, change jobs, move, etc. many, many times in the next several years. that's what happens in your 20's. don't take this so seriously. no one is dying, no one's future is at risk. you are just doing what is healthy for both of you at this point.
rb24 rb24 10 years
Dont sign another lease with him. You both need your own space. To see if you miss each other and want to make an effort to keep the relationship going.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
I agree. Don't sign another lease with him. If you two separate while under a lease together, he could still ask you to pay for half of the rent until the lease is up. If you two want to work it out while staying in different apartments, then that could work. Somehow I don't think your bf would warm up to the idea though, from how you say he is.
bigestivediscuit bigestivediscuit 10 years
I agree with rubialala ... time apart will REALLY help. When you move in together so soon, things happen in a whirlwind and somewhere along the way, you lose a sense of yourself. Don't blame yourself either, because I think the tension is affecting you both! I know a couple who have been together for 5+ years, lived together for like, 2 of those years and just moved out from the apartment they once shared together because there was too much fighting/tension. They live separately now, but are still going strong. :) It just might not be the right timing.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
You don't have to break up, just don't live together. Don't sign another lease with him.
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 10 years
you have to come clean to him...the fact that you are doubting it means you already ahve your answer...
nicachica nicachica 10 years
also, if you're scared because you don't think you can afford your own place, try going on Craigslist or Facebook or the local papers to find a roomate to help slip the costs of an apartment. i hope it works out for you. good luck!
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 10 years
It sounds like you need to get your own place. Why endure another year of torture by living with him? Tell him you think you need your space and maybe you can continue to work it out if its meant to be.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
I think you know the answer, but it's hard to admit. Your not in love him, you don't want to live with him, so why sign another lease with him? Is it because you re trying to salvage the relationship? If you each had your own place, would you'd still want him as a boyfriend? How does your boyfriend feel? Is he gung-ho about the new move, or does he have reservations as well? You should really have a heart-to-heart with him. I think you should find your own apartment. Signing a lease for 6mos-1 year is a serious commitment, and you shouldn't continue to live with him if you are that unhappy and of the relationship is really over.
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