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Demanded Boyfriend Stop Inviting Our Friend

Group Therapy: I Demanded My BF Stop Seeing His Friend

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My bf has a really close female friend who he used to have feelings for until he met me. I didn't mind that and I thought she was a cool girl to become friends with. I was excited that I made a new friend quickly and I feel a connection with. As I got to know her more, I realized she's not who she makes herself out to be. At one point, she tried to pull me away from my bf when we hungout in a big group when my bf and I were in the courting stage. I thought maybe she just wanted to have some girl time with me, but my bf knew better. She was using me to socialize with other people because she didn't want to be alone knowing that my bf at the time was trying to get to know me. And the second time she made this smart-ass comment about how my bf loves hanging out with her more than anyone else. At that point, I knew that she had deceived me. She was not going to be my new friend.

So all that plus the fact that my bf realized she was never exactly a good friend to him i.e. using him for money constantly made me dislike her even more. And he knows all these things about her, he continues to invite her to places (other people are invited too). And obviously, she is two-faced and I cannot stand it. It really bothers me especially since I have had a few two-faced friendships before and it really hurts. He says he wants to distance himself on his own terms, slowly.


I told him that he cannot invite her to any more places and he didn't like it that I forced him to but he agreed he wouldn't anymore. I have never issued an ultimatum or demanded something like this from a relationship. And I know ultimatums backfire. I just want to tell my boyfriend, wake up and smell the coffee. So now, I'm thinking, is he going to resent me because I forced him to do this? He said no one has ever forced him to do something like this before. So was it a good idea? I kinda feel like I want to take it back but I know this is something that needs to be done now especially know what my bf and I know now.

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vanilla-and-pink vanilla-and-pink 5 years
I went though something similar in a past relationship and I really struggled with it. My BF had a best friend and they were really close. I wasn't too concerned about it for the longest time but I was keeping a watchful eye. He would talk about his undying love for her, but then correct himself and say that it was just friendship and there was no chemistry there. When there were problems in her marriage she would come crying on his shoulder, and when we all out in a group setting, she had to make sure she was the centre of his attention. When we went away on our first vacation, we didn't even make it home from the airport before they had plans to see each other the next day. As things progressed, I learned that she didn't approve of our relationship. At first I just figured she was going through some weird adjustment period and she would get through it. Clearly, he was her emotional support system in a rough marriage and I was a threat. There wasn't anything sexual between them, but they were struggling with how their relationship would change because I was in the picture. After about a year I called him on it and things got really weird. He said he wasn't dong anything wrong and she was just a friend. At the same time, he said that if he was treated the same way, he would force me to choose between the freindship and the relationship. What I couldn't understand is if they were just friends, why wouldn't she be happy that he supposedly found the love of his life. They both refused to acknowledge that they hurt my feelings and pretended as if they weren't dong anything wrong. I guess more than anything I wanted to be the number one woman in his life. I wasn't trying to kick her out of his life or sabotage their friendship, but I did expect their friendship it change now that I was in the picture. I didn't want to throw the ultimatum card, knowing it was the wrong thing to do and that they ultimately backfire. He knew they wouldn't be able to change the dynamic of the friendship and saw how it was tearing us up apart so eventually he offered to phase her out of his life and warned me that it would be a very hard thing for him to do. Eventually we moved in together and things only got worse. Instead of telling me he couldn't phase her out of his life because he cared too much about her, he started finding obscure reasons to visit her but wouldn't tell me. When he would start acting weird and i would call him on it, he would eventually tell me he was spending time with her. The weird thing is that I had never been a jealous person prior to that relationship, nor have I been they jealous type since. It was definitely learning experience for me. The most important thing I took from it is that my feelings count. At the end of they day, my ex should have cared that he was hurting me, even if he didn't understand why. He should have had the relationship skills to talk it through and come up with a compromise that worked for both of us, or at least try to see things from my perspective. Ultimately, his lack of concern for my feelings extended into other areas of the relationship and I came to learn that he was extremely selfish and simply incapable of providing the 'give and take' that make a relationship work. My inability to comprehend their friendship was simply my subconscious telling me that he was wrong for me. His friendship was something tangible that I could focus on, but there were many, many ways he was selfish. I know my story is different from yours, but I hope it helps.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
It's never ok to force or manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do because you want them to do it. Treat people the way you want to be treated, and then hopefully, you will get that returned to you. Do you want him forcing you to do what he wants because it's what he wants? People make their own choices and deal with the situations in their lives the way they deal with them. We all have our own lessons. Personally, if someone gives me an ultimatum in the way you did with the bf, I drop them from my life. I don't need, want or invite others to try and control me and my decisions, and I believe everyone has that same right. That 's an incredibly presumptious thing to do to anyone for any reason. Blessed be, and good luck.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
This kiiiiind of seems like an overreaction. What did she really do, ask you to be a wingman when you thought she was looking for a new best friend? And then make a stupid remark? He introduced the two of you so you would know there was nothing weird left between them. I think you're being unreasonable.
mnp mnp 5 years
Ultimatums are never a good idea. As long as she isn't an immediate threat (i.e. she is outright sabotaging your relationship), I'd let your bf figure out how damaging she is to him. Guys are sometimes clueless of things like this and sooner or later, he will just grow out of a friendship with her. If, after some time, things don't change, I'll address it again but it's not worth losing your bf over some floozy. // Good luck!
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