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Desperate to Get My Ex Back

Group Therapy: Feeling Desperate to Get My Ex Back

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

He is 24 and I am 22. He is a PhD student. I am a Bachelor student. We were together for three years. My boyfriend and I just broke up two months ago and this was the third time breaking up. The reason was me. After I read your articles, I just found out that I was needy, pushy, controlling, and obsessive. (I wish I found out this blog earlier.) I had improved myself, but since he moved out from his house and started to live by himself, he became super busy. He has to work and/or study seven days a week and had so little time for me. Because of this, I began to be more needy, pushy, controlling, and obsessive. I wanted to see him as much as I can but he often said that he was too tired from work or he has to read books for his thesis and it made me angry and sad because I felt that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. We fought every week and finally he broke up with me. He said that I added more stress to his life which was stressful already. His migraine which had gone away for 10 years came back. He felt guilty that he didn't have time for me.

After we broke up, we still talk to each other almost everyday. I sometimes ask him to have a dinner, and if he is free, he will come (but mostly he has to work) so I'm mostly refused. I hate that feeling because I always think carefully when I ask him. He never asks me out. I once told him that I wanted to get back with him but he refused and said that he didn't believe me anymore that there would be no big problems like this. He thought that we had broken up and gotten back together two times and that showed that we couldn't get along.


What should I do? How am I going to gain his trust back and get back together? I can feel that he still loves me. I don't know what it is between us and I don't like the feeling but I do like that we are so casual. He said he likes this too. If we are like this, how am I going to be his girlfriend again?

And the most important thing is I don't want to be pushy, needy, controlling, and obsessive. I always find a person to be my only source of happiness. I know that I have to keep myself busy so I hang out with friends a lot and, inattentively, I start to do these habits to one of my best friends. Please help me.

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mythirtysense mythirtysense 5 years
Reading the 5 Love Languages is a GREAT tip that one poster gave. Also, read the article, "The Anatomy of A Break-Up: I Never Want To See You Again... Until I'm Lonely." It'll shed some needed light I think...…-until-i’m-lonely/
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Rabbit, The first step is to sit down with a pen and paper (acutally a word processor is better) and make a list of each and every personality weakness you have. The longer and more detailed your list, the better. (My list turned out to be a lot longer than I expected...) Let us know how it turns out.
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
karlotta Wow, 4 months in developing yourself!! How did u do it? I thought it would be years in developing oneself. Could u please tell me the details? I really want to know. and okay I won't invite him anymore. :)
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
JoeTyndall Where should I start? Could u pls advise me :)
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
juillet7 Absolutely agree! I need to working on no one but ME!! Thank u!
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Rabbit, The good news is, you can un-spoil yourself.
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
spacekatgal Thank u! U already got your own stuff and I'm happy for u. I wish I could do that too. :)
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
GTCB thank u! :) I sometimes feel like the relationship is over but sometimes not. Why? As I wrote, he's still calling me and he told me he liked to be like this (which I don't know what it is between us) because I'm not pushy or needy. He said he doesn't want to be my bf because he knows I will change. That's what he told me and I'm def sure that he doesn't date anyone right now. After I read all comments, I realized that the thing that I should work on isn't him but ME. I should move on, as u told me. And now I'm finding new hobby! thx!! :)
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
JoeTyndall I already did. :) I talked to one of my best friends last night. She told me that I should find a hobby and don't expect things. I was a spoiled kid so when things don't my way, I easily get upset. Awwww, what a shame. :(
karlotta karlotta 5 years
"Keeping yourself busy" is not the answer - making a rich and fulfilling life for yourself outside of the relationship is. As long as you're just using the rest of your time as filler for when he's not around, you'll be co-dependent. Find what you are really passionate about - FOR YOU, not to prove anything to him. Get involved in sports, hobbies, charities; develop real friendships that are not crutches for your emotional need but enriching exchanges. I don't think for sure this relationship is over; you don't know what the future holds. People get back together all the time, but if you want that chance and especially the opportunity to make it work if it ever happens, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. I was guilty of the same habits as you at one point in my life. I drove my current boyfriend away, 6 months into our relationship, for the same reasons as you. We ended up cutting off all contact, and I did a lot of work on myself during the 4 months we were apart. Not just superficial work - I really DID develop (recover!) my independence and it made me a much more interesting person - to myself, primarily. And at some point, to him too. And he came back. And 6 years later, here we are. We have very independent lives even though we live together; our time shared is one of love, not of co-dependence; and we're not afraid of telling the other to f*** off if we're busy with something else. You are the center of your world, not him. It's okay if you keep in touch, but don't invite him anymore. He needs to be the one chasing you in order to want to come back. If you keep handing out invitations before his desire to see you is strong, he will never take that step, will never come to the realization he wants to be with you again (if he ever does). He may even think you're in the same dynamic you've always been - you needing him, him needing more space. Giving yourself time and independence will give him time and independence. It's okay if your motive for constructing your life is getting him back at first; but at some point, it should just become a natural way of life to be out there on your own doing stuff that interests you. THEN, and only then, will he maybe look at your different and start questioning his decision. And that's just a maybe. But by then, if he doesn't come back, you won't care so much anymore. That's the point you should reach.
juillet7 juillet7 5 years
You sound codependent. I suggest you look up codependency and start working on changing you, not him.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Um... the relationship is over. You're somehow convincing yourself that it's not. Things did not end well, and you're doing your part to make them even worse. Move on with your life. You're only 22 - you've got your best years ahead of you.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Rabbitbear, You said, "I wish I could but since he isn't my bf anymore, I think I don't want to bother him." You still need to do the things I suggested. So as you go through life looking for your next boyfriend, find someone who will do with you the things that I suggested. This is the only way you will find happiness.
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
To everyone I feel so grateful to find this site! I didn't expect that u guys care so much about me, a stranger. Every comment makes me feel that I'm not alone in this whole world and there are always help out there. Thanks for reading my story and help me. You didn't give me short answer like other site, like "just break up with him and start a new life" or "I think he's cheating on you" but u gave me very useful advise and also encourage me! :D
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
Raynne413 Thank u so much! I'll keep reminding myself that I can't force things. I always expect things, u know. And that's kinda make my life suffocated.
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
missmaryb Thank u! I agree with u that I have to spend more time working on me. I also follow your advise that now I take a no contact break from him. I haven't called him for 2 days and today he called me. It's hard for me to put myself first because I am fear that if I do that no one will love me. Anyway I know it's good thing to put myself first and I've been thinking about this for a while but my heart still has some fear. I will find articles about this to read. Thanks for your support! I want the whole new world opens to me now!! :)
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
JoeTyndall No, I haven't. I wish I could but since he isn't my bf anymore, I think I don't want to bother him. I wish I could handle myself more. thx Joe!! :)
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
henna wow! that was a wake up call! I guess my life is too empty since I stopped pursuing my dream. I always wanted to be a musician but my family didn't support me. When I entered the uni, I had to stopped playing classical music. I felt like my life has been stopped since then. I changed from extrovert to introvert. I still cry every time I talk about this. It's like something haunting me and I can't move on. I need to change my life now. I don't want to be like this forever! thx again henna!!
rabbitbear rabbitbear 5 years
passion8 thank u so much for the comment and also your link!
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
I also agree with henna. You can't depend on someone else for your happiness. You have to make YOU happy. Unfortunately, sometimes, when things get broken, there is no fixing it. I'd move on, do things you enjoy, have fun, and work on your self. Find happiness in doing things for yourself, and enjoy doing things with friends. If it's meant to be, it will work out but you can't force things.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
Love Henna Red's advice. You need to spend some time working on YOU. It sounds cliche to say that you must first love yourself, but it is absolutely true. If I were you, as hard as it is, I would take a NO CONTACT break from this guy. Do not invite him to dinner, do not text or call him, nothing. Tell him you love him and you would like to work on healing yourself and making yourself stronger and more independent and you must take this time for yourself. I bet my next paycheck that he will be relieved (I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are 100 times more invested in him than he is in you, take his hints and give him space). After you do this, be selfish and put yourself first. Seek counseling if you can, write in a journal, meditate, find good articles on the internet, or join a self-help type message board, talk with friends and family, etc. You must get yourself to the point where you can live quite happily with our without a man. When you can do this, you will find a whole new world will open up to you (which may or may not include your ex, who knows?). Best of luck.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, Have you admitted to him that you are needy, pushy, controlling, and obsessive? Have the two of you sat down and figured out ways for you to be less irritating to him? Along with this, have the two of you sat down and figured out ways for him to give you emotional support you need as you learn to deal with all of this? Have you discussed ways you can give him more emotional support as he deals with all of this? Sit down with him, bring up all of these issues, and see what he says.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
It is not another person's job to be the purpose of your life. It is not the job of anyone else to make your life what it needs to be. It is not the job of anyone else to turn their life upside down so that you have everything you say that you need. It is your job to fill your life. It is your job to make your life what it needs to be. It is your job to do what needs done in your life, and until you are self sufficient emotionaly, you don't have a lot to offer to someone else. If what you do is take and demand, it is because you are not filling your life with purpose, with school, with work, with everything that makes people successful, happy, fulfilled people. Your boyfriend did not make you demanding, obsessive, controling, pushy. Your boyfriend is not responsible for your behavior. YOU ARE. Always. Responsible. For YOU. ALWAYS. If you want to be different, then change how you are living your life. Books, counseling, church or other religious society. What do people you admire do? Are you in school? What are your interests in life. What kind of work do you like to do? If you don't want to be pushy, demanding, controling, obsessive, then don't be. The only one making you those things is you and the only one who can change it is you. Good luck, blessed be.
passion8 passion8 5 years
what fear arises in you when you are alone, not getting attention from another person/man? if i would have listened to my thoughts before i entered into a relationship i would have heard myself say, i am never good enough to be with a man so when i did get a man, i was afraid to be left so i would get obsesive and controling or extremly distant in response to my fearful thoguhts. so now that i am working on my self talk and thoughts men can come and leave not sexually but friendship/bf wise with out me freaking out. i am more confident now then ever before, some really good books i found online at amazone that helped was women who love to much, this will help if you have a mom or dad that was not the most heathiest role model of love or the 5 love languages and there is a quiz online you can take, this will help you love yourself better and how to be able to tell people how to love you so you can receive their love and how to be able to love others so they can receive your love right now i left a relationship because it was not healthy. i started with a group at where it is not to find a man/women but to meet with people local where you live that have similar interests and can do them together and this helped my desperate lonely feelings minimize, maybe what he is doing is working so maybe try busying yourself up as well, that seems to help with some people
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