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Did I Do Something Wrong?

"Do I Have the Right to Be Upset?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met this dude on an online dating site, because that's what people do nowadays and also I'm shy so it provides a medium for me that's less intimidating. I create a profile and in three hours we find each other and we talk from about midnight until 6am about everything pretty much. It was so rewarding after a long dry spell of nothingness and jerks. He said things like "I'd be an idiot if I didn't ask you to hang out. It would be like sitting in gold"

Anyway, we talk for a couple more weeks before we go out to dinner. HE asked ME on the date by the way. And during dinner he was very lovely, showing off his Spanish speaking skills to the busboy gal. At one point the waiter comes over and was like "wow she's so pretty" in regards to me, and he replies "yeah don't remind me. I'm like a 6 and she's a 9/10"


So he was very kind and sweet like that the whole night, saying I looked nice and asking about my life. The sentiment was returned and we ended up talking until the restaurant closed and afterwards we took a walk and talked more and more. (we went dutch by the way for the dinner)

After this we went to his friend's house, chilled, drank and talked around a bonfire. And we also kissed. And when he drove me home he was very grabby, holding into my hand and letting me rest on his shoulder.

LITERALLY the next day he calls me and says something along the lines of "I had a good time. You're so incredibly gorgeous and cool and I want to see you again." real sweet stuff

We make plans to hang out again the following week and during the interim we texted and chatted online DAILY and Skyped. During these conversations I remember him telling me explicitly that usually when he loses interest in a girl he will stop calling or texting and that he would "never" lead me on. When he hang out again it was magical and he stayed over in my apartment and we talked and kissed until like 3am before he left. During this he's saying stuff indicative of him wanting this to work out in the long run like how he wants me to meet his best gal friend and meet the parents. He's also more sexually experienced than me and he let me know that he'd "never do anything that would make me uncomfortable" and other reassuring things. Also he never really pushed for sex at all. I mean he was genuinely really sweet.

The next day we go see a movie with his friends and that's when things turned sour because I was under the impression that it would be just him and me hanging out, so already my expectations were shattered. Also he got really drunk after the movie when we went back to his friends house and he basically ignored me the entire night because you know he wanted to drink with his bros. and this is okay but my body language showed that I was bored and uninterested and he noticed and gave me a lot of shit for it. Eventually he said he could just walk me home if I was feeling uncomfortable (at this point we are already back on my campus)  and so he did. All the while he was kissing me and saying things like "after tonight I'm all yours. I'll hang out with you on Sunday, I'm all yours" and I JOKINGLY said something about him wanting to get rid of me for the night and I think that may have scared him off because he went into this drunken rant about "you know, I can't be that guy who always does what you want him to" and blah blah blah. It came outta nowhere because I was literally just kidding.

More of this reader's dilemma below.

So guess what, Sunday comes and goes and of course he's a no show. Prior to this I texted him and apologized for seeming uninterested and bored that night and he texts back saying "If anything I'm sorry for embarrassing you and hassling you. It's all good"

So I'm thinking we are all good now. But I'm torturing myself thinking that I messed everything up. To ease myself, I call him on Monday despite my reservations and remind him that he said he wanted me to meet his friend this Thursday (today) and he's like "of course! I'd love to hang out with you again, I'm so glad you called." and then he said he'd get back to me "later" that day about the details.

Have not heard from him since! And because I remember him saying he stops talking to girls when he doesn't like them anymore, I have figured he doesn't like me anymore EVEN THOUGH HE SAID HIMSELF THAT HE WOULD LOVE TO SEE ME AGAIN. I tested out my hunch my sending him a "Hi" message on Facebook which he rightly ignored and I know he ignored it because I just do.

What the hell gives?! I know I shouldn't be so upset because we were JUST dating but the fact that he could be so disingenuous and lead me on after saying he would never lead me on has got me so confused and angry. If he didn't want to hang out anymore, why not just not pick up my call all together? It doesn't make sense.

Am I in the wrong, have I done something wrong? If you guys could see some of the things he's told me and texted me, there wouldn't be a doubt in your mind that he liked me and now this.

My friends said to wait until tonight (when he said he wanted to hang) to write him off but I already have. Deleted his number and deleted from FB

Please give me some advice on this! Pleaseeeee. Hurt my feelings if you must I just want answers.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Image Source: Thinkstock
GTCB GTCB 5 years
I would like to credit you for providing a very detailed summary of the events leading up to this point.  However, your last line is a bit sour, I nor should anyone else have any desire to hurt your feelings - you've certainly done nothing to the Sugar community to deserve it?   As for your post, since you mentioned the word campus, college-age guys can be jerks.  Basically you had a set of expectations that got shattered.  But, that's the dating game.  IMO you've done the right thing in writing this guy off.  Good luck in the future, you'll find someone eventually.  Plenty of fish in the sea.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I have learned to be leery of guys who come on too strong too quickly. They usually have an agenda, one that you don't want to be part of if you're looking for a relationship. You are wise to get rid of all traces of him and look for someone who will say what they mean and mean what they say. Good luck.
jaan_black jaan_black 5 years
the short of it - he doesn't want anything serious and he's using the dating site to meet girls on a very casual level so he can "hang out" with them a few times, see what he can get and then move're right to delete his info and I wouldn't hold my breath b/c the "I'm a 6, she's a 9/10" was the insecure red flag that you really don't want to deal with...if he does come sniffing around, please put your guard up and let him see that you're not a "back burner" chick...let me explain (think of foods that need to simmer on low heat for hours on the back burners) - these are people that are usually available or will make themselves available at the drop of a hat for people that don't deserve such seem like a smart girl, good luck!!!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
awwww.... You're a newbie, obviously so :) And you admit it, and yes, because you're new at this, you're in 'shock' because you basically think that just because you do things a certain way (honesty being one of your traits), you expect others to be the same way. Unfortunately, as you will continue on dating, you'll see it's not so much so. I've been through similar experiences with online dating, so yes, in the beginning (Idk how fast you adjust yourself), expect to experience disappointment for at least 2-3 (or even all) of the online dating journey. Unless you're one of the luckier ones who meet the right person immediately :) You will have to learn to not put your heart on your sleeve, to be more guarded in your attraction. It's hard to balance it, but just try it. As for this man, I think he's 'done' with you (and more likely, not going to change his mind, unless you're willing to be only booty calls) and he just doesn't want the whole confrontation and the whole 'heart-to-heart' talk or one of those 'resolution' chat with you especially since you guys were only dating, not a couple. I've done what he's done shamefully so :p Not to every guys whom I didn't want to continue dating though. I was pretty straightforward to most..just some special few that I avoided.. Good luck on your next one.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
"If you guys could see some of the things he's told me and texted me, there wouldn't be a doubt in your mind that helikedme and now this." Actually, yes there would be a doubt in my mind, based off of the few snippets you showed us. His statements were all over-the-top, like he had read them from some cheesy manual. His statments rang false for me. And he isn't leading you on. He dropped you, and is letting you know he is no longer interested. He previously told you how he shows a woman he isn't interested, which is to ignore her. What more evidence do you need? If it's closure you want, then fine. Just message him that you no longer feel right in this relationship. But, honestly, I think you're reading a little too much into the relationship. It's just dating, and he's clearly not as interested in you as you are in him.
cupcake24 cupcake24 5 years
Hey sweetie, I was in a similar position to yourself a while back. Started using the web to meet people, and this amazing guy(as i thought) took interest in me and made me feel amazing exactly like you did.The time we spent together he made me feel like I was really special, one in a million.Super sweet, making plans spending whole weekends together.(over a period of 3 weeks). Then all of a sudden the day before we were to meet, he was spending time with friends. He texted me to see how my night was going, and said he just wanted to be friends after about half hour off talking. It came out of nowhere. Just like you I was gutted. I really fell for this guy (shame on me) in such a short space of time. As for your situation, It sounds like one of his friends have got into his head. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY, you sound like a really sweet girl and any guy would be really luck to have you as he girlfriend, it really is his loss. Just don't do what I done and spent to much time wondering what if I did this, that and the other would it have turned out differently. Move on, the quicker the better, do not let him treat you like this, and don't give he the option, cause if you do he will always do this to you. And you could just become a booty call or fall back girl when he has no-one else. Hold you head high young lady, and go get the man who really deserves all your time and energy. Best of luck sweetie !!
chibros chibros 5 years
You're just overreacting to it all. Already obsessed about a guy you dated few times. Hmm it's like the waiter/ess knows something about him to the extent of noticing you. If he lost interests and so what? is that why you want to drop it so low? Move on and let it be. If he calls again, then do your wish. Since you've deleted him from everywhere, just delete him from your mind too. Stop being obsessed about a fling, forget it whatever he said, focus on what he does. ofwhich you've seen. If you need someone, get back to the dating site, there're alot of fishes out there, this time, take your time.
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