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Different Sex Drives in a Relationship

Group Therapy: My Sex Drive Is Higher Than His

This question is from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and are very happy together and have a very satisfying sex life. The only problem is that I want sex more often than he does. I don't think his drive is abnormally low; mine has never been this high before . . . there's just something about him that I find irresistible and I want him all the time! The problem is that when I am in the mood and he's not, it hurts my feelings and I start feeling like he's not attracted to me (I have gained ~10 lbs since we got together, total 25 lbs in the past 3 years, I'm working on it but feel insecure about my body at times). I also wonder if there's some emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled for me in the bedroom. . . . I love kissing and taking it slow sometimes but he tends to rush it along.

Anyone else in a similar situation? How can I stop from getting my feelings hurt when he turns me down? I try to think about how I would feel if he initiated and I said no and he got pouty . . . I would be mad!! I just cant help feeling hurt and rejected. We just moved in together and I asked him if there was anything about our relationship that he could see being a problem and he said our different sex drives, so I really want to work on it.

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VioletBloom VioletBloom 5 years
Lenay Lenay 6 years
Okay, 1.) If you're that bothered by the 25 pounds that you've gained in 3 years, then do your best to lose it. (For you, not for him.) Joining a gym or going for a long walk everyday will make you healthier, give a boost to your ego AND burn up some of that extra energy that you're not using in bed. There's no reason not to lose the weight. But 2.) Maybe your timing is what's off in bed. My husband used to want sex up to 8 times a day before we had children. But he never wanted it first thing in the morning, right after work or when Star Trek reruns were on TV. ;- )
Gawjuslayd Gawjuslayd 6 years
I MET MY SOUL MATE!!!! Thank you God that someone else out there is going through the exact same thing as me!!! I have the exact same thing going on in my relationship. Recently when I asked him about it he said it was because we have always been under a lot of stress. OK- Understood. We have been living together since the 4th day we met. We have been together for a year and a half, we moved out of state 5 months ago and just moved back to our original state. We were both unemployed and almost homeless. Stress is an understatement, thought through it all, I still feel the need or want to keep having sex with him!!
jessr1214 jessr1214 6 years
thanks everyone for your comments! just to clarify, his sex drive hasnt decreased since we started dating, mine has increased and our situation has changed since we went from a LDR to living together. Raynne i think you are exactly right, i am more likely to take it as a personal rejection since i have gained weight and am feeling insecure. i have joined a gym and am getting back into regular workouts to help with that side of things and am going to keep working on not taking it as a personal rejection when he isnt in the mood. i have never doubted that he loves me and wants to be with me and for that i am extremely lucky and grateful! i was surprised how many other people were in the same boat seems the sterotype is that guys just want sex nonstop and i guess thats not really true. thanks everyone!!
Raynne413 Raynne413 6 years
I know right where you are coming from. Your increased desire is probably due to the weight gain. You are probably trying to prove to yourself that he still desires you (which he obviously does) but then sometimes it backfires if he isn't in the mood or is too tired or whatever. My boyfriend and I have VERY different sex drives, but I knew that when we first started dating 3 years ago. Everything else about him, his sweetness, his loyalty, his caring, his consideration and respect, his sense of humor, more than makes up for the fact that I don't get to have sex as often as I'd like. Part of the problem with us he always waits until right before bedtime when I'm half dead to the world. LOL Just don't look at his not being in the mood as a PERSONAL rejection. Sometimes people are just tired, or other things are going on. And you don't have to have someone want you physically ALL the time to show that you are still desirable and beautiful. He is with you every day, and he CHOOSES to be with you. Take that as your emotional boost every day. And just because he doesn't want sex, doesn't mean that you can't cuddle, and that always makes ME feel better. :)
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 6 years
Get him tested for low testosterone if it's JUST his sex drive, and he's not just being a douche. Worked wonders for my relationship. It helped his health in SOOOOO many ways, more than just that.
xgreenfairyx xgreenfairyx 6 years
@ juicebox07: Good grief, girl, don't let him do that! Aside from the clear fact that he's being dismissive and inconsiderate, that kind of intercourse can lead to infections! Tearing your vagina and/or vulva is not good, and he doesn't even seem to care! Put your foot down! Or maybe you can give his penis a nice Indian burn next time you give him a handjob and see how HE likes it! In any case, don't let him near you if your always left in pain. And if he can't listen and want to change what he's doing to you, it's time to move on. Anyways, as far as the original post, I can relate, too. My partner and I have known/been with each other for years, and my sex drive almost scares him. I don't plan on leaving him, so we've just had to cope with our severely divergent libidos. If you're planning on staying with him, there's only so much you can do as far as suggestions, encouragement, etc., before its just a matter of personality, temperment, and your fortitude. You can't change people, I'm afraid. The only way its going to improve is if he's committed to making a change, and that's completely up to him. Something I've also learned is that it could be a matter of how confident he is. If he likes to finish up, maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with his sexuality or performance, so he wants to do it and be done with it. Could be worth looking in to. Also, when you're talking about sex, BE HONEST. Don't say 'it's satisfying' when you've clearly been let down by his performance. Tell him it could be better, and what it is you need.
juicebox07 juicebox07 6 years
Fortunately, my bf and I have a pretty in-sync sex drive. However, I understand about the kissing & taking things more slow. My boyfriend always goes straight for the sex part. I end up bleeding and swelling sometimes due to lack of lubrication beforehand. I told him before I like sex to be more passionate and not rushed, but he seems to think otherwise. It's annoying, so I know how you feel about that.
bransugar79 bransugar79 6 years
Oh good grief he still wants to have sex with her! And honestly if 10 pounds grosses him out that much I would think other areas of the relationship would be suffering. It doesn't seem like this is a deal breaking relationship crisis. I think sometimes women can want sex more than men. We're conditioned to think that men want it non stop so when they aren't in the mood it can make us feel insecure. But look at it this way. All of our lives we've been told not to let a man dictate when we should or shouldn't feel in the mood for sex. If the tables were turned and he wanted you all the time but you weren't feeling it as much you would expect him to respect your wishes, so why not do the same for him? I often want sex more than my husband just because I have a higher sex drive. We've been together so long that I've actually seen a shift. When we were younger he wanted it a lot more than I did, but as I've matured and become more confident in myself and what I want I express my sexuality more. He never makes me feel bad for wanting him and I don't feel bad when he's not in the mood to take things there either. We can still be intimate by holding each other , or kissing, or sometimes just watching a movie and goofing off. Then when he is fully in the mood we have amazing sex and sometimes the anticipation and build up makes it even more special.
ladylove004 ladylove004 6 years
For some reason I think this happens in a lot of relationships, all of my friends who have long-term bfs and who live w them, myself included express to eachother that we want to make love to our bfs more than they do. I don't know I still find it odd and get annoyed, so I don't think I can help all that much... but personally I think for you, first thing is to work on your insecurities, not just for this situation, but to live a happy and healthy life! (Good Luck!)
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