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A Do or a Don't: Staying in Touch With a Friend's Ex

A Do or a Don't: Staying in Touch With a Friend's Ex

While I’m always open and friendly, I try not to buddy up to my friends’ significant others — I don’t want to overstep any boundaries or get too involved in someone else’s relationship. But over time, especially if it’s a long-term and serious relationship, it’s inevitable for a kinship to blossom between yourself and a friend’s significant other — you spend time together, swap stories, and end up at the same events.

But when a friend tells you that the relationship is over, suddenly a person you came to know, surprisingly well, is just gone. Admittedly, I’ve felt losses after my friend’s breakups, but from personal experience I’ve learned it’s best to avoid staying friends with a friend’s ex — it can lead to drama and the sensation of being stuck in the middle. It’s too complicated for me, but what have your own relationships taught you? Is keeping in touch with their ex worth it even if it could affect your friendship?


Join The Conversation
emalove emalove 9 years
I agree with JaimeLeah526.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Unless you are friends before the hooking up than I say it's a no-no. If you were already friends with the guy than definitely continue being their friend, it's not fair to him not to.
stumbler02 stumbler02 9 years
I've kept in touch with my best friend's ex. We started talking as they were breaking up--I won't pretend it was fun to be the middle-man that summer. Neither of them had a problem with me being in the middle "helping" them communicate, so I wasn't a source of resentment for them. I eventually became very good friends with my friend's ex, and now, after several years, they are OK with each other and speak occasionally. I am glad I reached out to him (and glad my friend promoted that) because we now have a great friendship.
beegril beegril 9 years
Well it comes down to the situation. If the EX did something unforgivable like cheat, then NO. I am friends with a friends ex, but now the friend is married. She moved on and so has he.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
A..."friend" of mine tried to get with one of my exes that I'd been friends with years before I met her. When she made herself look like a straight jackass, she expected me to hate him with her. Pssh. I'm also friends with her ex. I made it clear to him that whatever happened with him and the girl had nothing to do with me, and we were definitely on the same page. We're tighter than we were when he was still dating the friend. Wonder if its a bad thing she's got no clue, though. Hm.
Swen Swen 9 years
I think it depends on a few factors like how the relationship ended and how your friend feels toward her ex. In the end, your loyalty to your friend should be what matters most. I have some friends who have become really close to my ex, closer than when we were going out, and it's really strange for me. Even though it wasn't a nasty breakup and I am civil/friendly with him still, it bothers me. I haven't said anything to them, I'm not the type to interfere, but I wish they were perceptive enough to realize how I feel. It'd also just be nice to be able to vent to these friends when I'm feeling angry at this guy, but I know I can't because they'll go and tell him.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
Hell no. Thats a mark of a bad (girl) friend. Its normal to be civil and polite if you run into them since thats just good manners, but calling or hanging out or anything else is freaking lame! And I would dump any "friend" that did that.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 9 years
okay, i do not see what the big deal is. break ups hurt, everyone needs time to heal, it's definitely important to respect the feelings of everyone involved. maybe a period of low-key-ness is necessary. that being said, i really don't believe in severing friendships when relationships end, unless someone did something totally heinous to cause the break-up.
Ikandy Ikandy 9 years
Marni7 Marni7 9 years
DONT!!!! college me and this guy broke up..and it wasnt just a was "that guy" that every girl has in her life that never seems to go away..and I walked in on my friend chatting with him on the computer..HELPING HIM WITH A PAPER!!!WTF..some girls are just so clueless
geebers geebers 9 years
Depends- if I was already friends with the ex before my friend- then yes. If not, well my friendship with my friend should come first and I wouldnt talk to the ex out of respect for the friend.
bbkf bbkf 9 years
It depends on the breakup situation. A good friend of mine dated a guy for almost 2 years, then cheated on him and completely broke his heart. I had become close with the guy and so had my husband; we double dated a lot. I was completely disgusted with my friend for what she did, so now I'm good friends with the guy and don't talk to the girl at all.
mlen mlen 9 years
several of my friend's exes were my friends too before they started dating- so in a case like that, even when i was better friends with the one, i don't ditch the other friend just cause they broke up. i let both of them know i intend to continue my friendship with both of them- that is how it was before them and that is how it will stay after them. now if i didn't know the friend's ex before they started dating? different scenerio. i've never become such good friends with a friend's ex that i stayed in contact after they stopped dating, if they weren't a friend of mine to begin with. if i did become such good friends i'd have to assess the sitch!
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
Unless my friend is still friends with their ex, then no.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
haha my ex best friend stayed friends with my ex and then started dating him (it didn't last long though)... hmmm so to me, it's a no no...
Blackwood Blackwood 9 years
I for one never liked any of my friends' partners, so it wouldn't be hard for me to ditch him or her. But I wouldn't do it in the case I liked the person. And I always try and be polite with them regardless. I just don't feel comfortable being rude with people I don't really know that well. (sounds weird, I know)
northofantastic northofantastic 9 years
I'm better friends now with my friend's ex than I am that friend, so I think it just depends on the people involved.
chicobo chicobo 9 years
It's hard when your friends ex is a family member. Trust me, I live with that family member! What are you supposed to do? I think there's no YES or NO answer. I'm friends with my good friend's ex and I don't hang out with them together anymore. It makes me sad but its a necessary thing to have both of them in my life. Choosing friends is almost as if you're punishing one of them for breaking up. Of course if the ex is a slimeball, well, stay clear. Use common sense.
itsme3683 itsme3683 9 years
I think it's probably risky if you only met him through your friend, but I had a friend once who ended up dating one of my oldest guy friends for like 8 months, and she got really pissed off when she found out I still hung out with him after. I mean I kindof get where she was coming from, but I was friends with him before her, and it wasn't like I ever brought him up. I thought she was being a little dramatic.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
A friend of mine is best friends with my ex. We have a lot of the same friends and I could never expect them just to isolate him despite the fact that things did not go well between us. It's just a matter of hanging out separately. When they're with me, they're not calling or talking about him and vice versa.
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 9 years
Probably not a good idea...especially if the breakup was bad!!
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
its hard because they bring this person along everywhere and sometimes to ur home and ur expected to be friendly with them and u gotta like them and u become friends then BAM they break up and u have to pretend the ex never existed. but yea its best to steer clear, albeit an awkward situation
lilren lilren 9 years
It's a no-no. I've felt hurt by this situation before.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
A serious DON'T! What the hell are they chatting for anyways....?
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