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Does Love Exist For Everyone? 2010-09-03 06:00:00

Group Therapy: Does Love Exist For Everyone?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am a 29-year old successful and attractive woman. I live in a big city, have a great relationship with my friends and family, am a great cook, love my job, and speak two languages. What I'm saying here is that I consider myself to be an all-around great catch. However, I've been single for five years, and frankly, I'm starting to think that for some people, true love (the whole concept of finding the one), doesn't exist.

I put myself out there and go on dates. I've been set up by friends and tried online dating. I've taken dating detoxes and read books about finding men. I was even set up by a professional matchmaker! Still, I don't find anyone I really connect with. Recently I developed a crush (the first one in over a year) on a guy I met at a wedding. He lives in another state and now I'm worried that I only like guys who are unavailable. Am I sabotaging my chances for love? Do some people just not find love? I would love to hear your thoughts!

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Join The Conversation
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Love is a feeling that happens in spite of yourself. It's a reaction. There is no point in trying to force it or make it happen on your own. The right man will inspire love and admiration in you. And your heart just will fill up with love for him. It's the best surprise in the world. I've found love several times. It is out there if you are open to it. You need to meet a LOT of men to find the right one, though. Fill out an online dating profile and go out with everyone who seems sane and presentable. You'll gradually learn a lot about yourself. Look for someone you enjoy talking with, who clearly adores you, and about whom you can have some majorly hot sexual fantasies. Then, if he also passes your minimum checklist about non-negotiable things like alcohol, drug use, temperament, monogamy, family plans've got a winner! Create the possibility of love for yourself. Find the men most likely to inspire it in you. It'll happen.
Lenay Lenay 6 years
P.S. Although "nightfang"(comment #28) got a little catty and let her claws show, she actually made a good point at the end about joining clubs or groups with your personal interests in mind (books, swimming, biking, hiking, cooking) instead of just looking for Mr. Wonderful. You could actually meet a lot of new friends too.
Lenay Lenay 6 years
You're not looking at this objectively. I assume that you want someone similar to yourself: smart, attractive, bilingual, with a good job and living in your city. Seriously. Do you really think that a man who fits that description and is in your age bracket is going to be single? And if such an amazing SINGLE male specimen exists IN YOUR CITY, aren't the chances pretty high that he's going to be so devoted to his career that the only way that the two of you would ever cross paths is if you work in the same office building? Have you checked out the guys at work?
darlingdashwood darlingdashwood 6 years
Another state does not make the guy you met unavailable. Carry out interest with him by instant messages, texts, emails and occassional visits and look into meeting more men who live near you. Just knowing you are interested in someone who is also interested in you opens more doors, sometimes quite quickly.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
I think you are trying to hard. Just keeping dating and having fun. When you meet the right person you will meet the right person. Until then, you have to be okay with just being you and enjoy your life. You do have love in your life aka family and friends. No, right now you do not have romantic love but that is not necessarily a forever thing. Maybe you have high standards, and thats fine. Just do you for now. You live in a big city where finding someone can sometimes be difficult, but who cares. You are 29 years old and in a big city that is like 25. Just hang out and have fun. Stop reading those dating books and just be yourself. Love comes when we are NOT looking but are open to it.
nightfang nightfang 6 years
maybe ur problem is ur expecting to feel a connection with some one straight away. that doesnt happen, whe ur in high school u can develop crushes on ppl but i dont think that happens when u mature unless u really spend time with someone and get to know them. and well, people that consider themselves to be allroudn great catches usually arent.its about personality in the end. doesnt matter if u can cook or speak 2 languages they are skills, not who u are as a person. what do you like doing? join a club and focus on doing things u like and u will increase ur chance at meeting someone
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Something with Kittytix struck me as well. I never had problems with dating or marriage so maybe you should take advice from those who are successfully dating or married...ask advice of those friends. I guarantee they never blew their own horns by saying they were a good catch. Everyone thinks their a good catch. Everyone thinks highly of themselves. So now all these great catches are walking around, right? How does that make you a good catch then? What you should understand is that you should live your life and let someone look for you, not the other way around. Nothing is worse than a woman who is looking. Why does she look? Men think a woman who is looking is desperate, she's to in love with herself, or that she is not truly interested. Who cares if you cook, if you speak two languages, becuase that's not the point of it.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
KittyTx, you said it very well. I want the 'perfect connection with my imperfect s/o' is more what I'm striving for. And yah, I don't believe in 'fate' or some magical force pushing people together. :p Cute notion as it is, I think it's movie magic :) But I also agree that love doesn't equate marriage and kids (the whole white picket fence notion). I have a few single bffs who are single, NOT LOOKING, completely not interested in marriage and kids but are very very happy, loving individuals. :) I adore 'em to death. OP, my only suggestion is to pursue what makes you happy. If you think you'll be happier single, then be single. But if you want to date, you need to put yourself out there more :) Good luck.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
Hmm...well you sound great but what we don't have insight to is your list of requirements for men. Maybe that list is too demanding but that's just speculation on my part. Something to consider though. Also it's an old saying but I've found it to be true with me and that is love will come when you least expect it. When I was younger I learned to stop looking and each time I stopped looking a love interest just coincidentally walked into my life. I've had a total of three and the third seems to be sticking, lol.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
I'm only 25 and sometimes I wonder the same thing myself, so you're really not alone. Though my grandparents didn't meet til their mid- 30s and they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, all three of my aunts didn't marry until their 30s. Though there were a few people on here who said that not even feeling attraction toward someone is strange, and I agree. You are putting too much pressure on yourself! Going out on dates expecting true love... those poor men! Look what they have to live up to! You have to compromise. You may have this idea in your head of the perfect husband, and if your date isn't him... it's over. Men pick up on that, not your intention but the tension you're causing. You might be scaring them away before you've even had a chance to get to know each other. If you look for LOVE you won't find it. If you look for a good time, you might find love. Give yourself a break and have some fun.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I understand where you are coming from.I'm 21 and I always believed that eventually I will find a guy I could date, but I just haven't been in a single date in so long. I do think that part of it is me sabotaging myself, maybe I'm not ready, who knows. The only advice I could give you is to still try and be open to go outside of your comfort zone, this is something that I have to apply too. It's hard.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
my take on this is a bit different than everybody else - you pretty much said you found a guy you could "love" - or you know, could date or whatever. just because he lives in another state is no reason not to pursue it. perhaps you just found love, you just aren't willing to fight for it. i found love where i was least expecting it, and my bf and i have been doing semi-long distance for 2 years now. we even bought a house together but he works 5 hours away. but we've made it work because it's worth it. just try!
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
*crowning achievement
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
I agree with kimpossible. I don't think love equates with marriage, kids, and the house with the picket fence. So many people feel like they are a failure at love if they haven't followed the societal rules of marriage and family, and basically living the life everyone else has. I know so many married couples who just seem so bored with each other, almost as though they are going through the motions of life. Is that love? Well, maybe for them, it is. It wouldn't be for me. I am not married and don't have kids and honestly at this point in my life, I'm not really sure it is what I want. Have I felt passionate, crazy, love? YES! Have I gotten my heart broken? YES! Would I do it again? YES! It is funny, because when I meet new people, they are really struck by the fact that I have never is weird. I am a happy, professional, attractive woman, and they just don't understand it, as if the crowing achievement in your life should be a ring on your finger, every other accomplishment is secondary. I am a bit philosophical about it....everyone needs to do what feels right for them, and follow their own dreams. I would just say again that just because many of us live a single life, it doesn't mean we haven't found love or are not occasionally bowled over by it.
jessr1214 jessr1214 6 years
It sounds like you aren't having any problems meeting guys to go on dates with but you just arent liking any of them. Maybe you have an idea of the perfect man in your head that you are comparing these guys to? Try to relax on dates and just get to know the guy rather than going through some checklist in your head. And yes, I do think love exists for everyone who is open to it. It's being open to it that can be the tricky part. And dont count out your crush, I met my boyfriend a year ago at a wedding and he lived in another state...we did the long distance thing for 10 months and now are living together and ridiculously happy :-)
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