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Don't Forget The Tears

Don't Forget The Tears

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend of four years and I recently broke up, in fact I just moved out less than three weeks ago. I am still really sad about it since I ultimately thought that he was the one. Last night completely out of the blue, I ran into him at a restaurant, and he was there with another girl!

They were holding hands and kissing - ICK! I followed them home and once she figured out who I was, she took off. He and I talked for a while and it ended badly. He said he was trying to move on and that he cherished our time together, but I was just not the one for him. How can I get over him? I was still hoping for some kind of reconciliation. I feel crushed. Miserable Meryl

To see DEARSUGAR's answers

Dear Miserable Meryl
Please don't forget about all of the reasons why you guys broke up in the first place. Now is the time to focus on what you didn't like about him as a partner. Think about how she gets to inherit all of that stuff! We have this strange ability to focus in on only the good times, and we forget all of the tears.

That couldn't have been easy for you to see last night. But, maybe it's for the best. If you are holding out for someone that's moving on then you are just keeping the door open for more hurt ahead for you. Try to stay positive and surround yourself with loved ones who will support you. This too shall pass.

Join The Conversation
Miami-Gal Miami-Gal 10 years
Wait til he finds out you moved on. And don't follow him. EVER. And don't go back. It didn't work the first time, nor will it the second. You will one day be grateful it didn't work. Trust me, guys go for immediate gratification. Then, after sampling, they freak. Every single guy I have ever been with has begged for a second chance. It's not easy, but don't call, don't do a thing. Disappear and fake it till you make it. And for me, it was praying. On my knees, to God. And sometimes stupidly to the porcelein god after attempting to drink a 12 pack of Miller Lite by myself. But you WILL get over it.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I think that men tend to go for re-bound girls a lot more than women. Break ups are never easy. Specially since you were living with him and it was a 4 year relationship. But the best thing you can do is give him space. Don't call him or follow him. Don't try to find out what he's doing. Keep your time busy with your own thing, your friends, job, school, etc. When the right time comes you'll meet the right guy. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for embarrasment and heart ache.
Deba Deba 10 years
I know that you'll probably heard this one before... it takes time... it happened to me, and I cried for about three months but there is a moment when you realized that you cannot keep you life in hold, that you need to move on, that you need to meet other people. It takes time
PrincessLola PrincessLola 10 years
MandyJoBo you gave awesome advice, wish I had known about Sugar when I went through my awful breakup last year. You guys are so supportive and kind. :) BringbackBrilson
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I am sorry to hear that, but he already told you that you are not the one, so it is time for you to be strong and move on -- it will take time but you should think that now you can find someone who thinks you are the one as well. Trust me it will happen! As for following him and his date? Please stop that, that is stalkerish and of course she left, who wants to go out with a guy and be followed by some chick (even if you were the x-girlfriend), you are lucky he even talked to you after you interrupted his date.. not right Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strenght
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
this is not the love of your life. that relationship is still to come, but you need to get over this one first. everyone gets their heart broken, so we all know how shity you are feeling right now. here's something i read today on a scratch pad at the house of my daughter's baby sitter "i wish i saved all the tears i cried for you so i could fucking drown you in them". the cycle goes like this; Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance. this is true of any life trauma. let yourself go through all of these stages, know that it's "normal" when something profound has happened and then MOVE ON. there is more ahead of you than you know. hang in there.
lemuse20 lemuse20 10 years
Wow, this sounds insanely coincidental. I know a guy who's gf of 4 years dumped him and moved out, and he was a mess. His name isn't Andy is it? Hah. Anyway, I would say just hang in there and don't do anything you might regret later (like stalk him again). Take one day at a time. Who knows, you might find yourself moving on too!
The-wife The-wife 10 years
I truly feel for you. My husband just left after 16 years for someone else. What I do believe is that men dont think like we do. As we sit home and cry they can be out or even home watching the game. It may cross their mind but because we are girls we definitley get the worst of it. My heart really goes out for you. You probabley wouldve gotten over the First"hump" if you hadnt seen him but that seems to start the process all over.I am going to tell you that not seeing him or talking to him is the best route. It will help you recover. If it was meant to be you would still be toghether. Trust me and have faith, it will get better.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 10 years
I agree with popgoestheworld - eating bad foods will make you feel bad; being negative will make you angry. Besides, if you're like me, you'll just feel FAT after eating a pint of ice cream and wallowing in your own pity. Then you'll think, "I'm fat. He left me because I'm a disgusting pig!!! WAAAAH!" LOL It's not a good route to take. Take care of yourself and you'll feel good about yourself.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I'm so sorry :( Break ups are truly awful. Unlike someone else mentioned, I do NOT think that you should eat all you want, cry all you want, and think nasty things about him all you want. That will not help you! The best breakup I had was the one where I took the best care of myself. I made sure I got good sleep, ate healthy meals, kept exercising, and didn't go out and get boozed up with friends for a rebound night. And I definitely didn't follow my ex home! I was really sad, but I was able to stay healthy and positive about many other things because I was taking care of myself, and not doing stupid things that I'd regret. There is a difference between taking good care of yourself and wallowing. Any energy you spend thinking horrible things about him is going to make you feel worse. It's been three weeks which is like no time at all in terms of recovery so give yourself a little time. You will definitely get over him, but like everyone else said, it's going to take time. The faster you acknowledge that it's permanent, and the faster you stop talking to him, the faster you will get over him. Keep him in your life and it will never happen.
Kratsina Kratsina 10 years
Sounds to me you were more upset over the fact that he moved on after you so quickly than anything else... He obviously got over your break up alot quicker than you did, and it doesn't mean you should get back together just because you still have some jealousy issues when you see him with another woman.
kittycat kittycat 10 years
break ups are always hard. cry all u want. eat all u want. take care of urself anyway u want. spoil urself. do what makes u feel good. night on town with ur girls, ask for their support. spend time by urself and think of all the nasty things about him. think of how he failed to make u happy. i dated this guy once, didnt treat the way i deserve to be treated. it took me like 1.5 years to get over the loser, but it was one of the best thing i ever did for myself. dont follow him around. leave him out of ur life. sneaking around is scary.
Marci Marci 10 years
The pain you're feeling clearly comes through in your story, and my heart goes out to you. Break ups are just so hard, and after 4 years together, you'll probably have to rebuild almost every part of your life. The pain is going to be there for awhile, I'm sorry to say. My only advice would be to take the best care of yourself that you can. Focus on you. Even though it might be the last thing you want to do, take a class. And book your time up, especially weekends. But also allow yourself to feel the pain because it has to be dealt with before you can move on. Sit at home with a quart of ice cream and cry your eyes out. And do your best to resist contacting him or following him again. When you really can't deal with it and don't know what to do with yourself, come on the Sugar site. There's a fantastic support system here 24/7.
karlorene karlorene 10 years
break ups of serious relationships are hard... i dated this one guy a year and a half (not 4 years but still...) and the breakup was soo hard. But I had to stick to my guns with it and believed that he was not the right guy out there for me. It was so hard seeing him with another girl- he jumped into a serious relationship right away. But 3 years later, I look back on the good times we had, and smile, but am happy that I did what was best for me. Best of luck...
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 10 years
How do we get over anyone? Millions of people do it every day and yet it seems like the most impossible feat one could ever accomplish! But you will. You know what it takes? Time. There is absolutely nothing you can do to heal your heart. It's like having a cold, you can make the symptoms go away temporarily, but you have to wait for the cold to run its course before you will recover. You can go out with friends, keep your mind busy, focus on the negative about him and do whatever else it takes to temporarily forget about him, but the pain still has to run its course. It will. And don't ever think "how will I go back to the way things were before him" because you can't EVER go back. You have to think about how you're going to move forward having known him and all that you learned from him. ♥
almost-famous almost-famous 10 years
i have no clue why you FOLLOWED them..i wouldnt of done that. Maybe this was the reason you two broke up? maybe he cheated from what you mentioned...her running? why would she run when she saw you? beats me, but i wouldnt of had love for him after that anyways. im a very suspious lady, i analyzed everything. sorry you have hurt feelings. i'm sure you're a young beautiful woman whom has a long time ahead of herself to find Mr.Right!
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