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Elma Baker on Awkward Dates

Awkward! An Urban Virgin's Dating Horrors

You think your dates are awkward! Imagine explaining why you're a 28-year-old virgin living in New York City. Elma Baker — author of The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance — explained to L Magazine just how wrong dates can go when you keep men at a chastity belt's distance. Especially when you're out with a Frenchman!

"You're a Mormon?" he asked, as soon as I arrived.
"Can you have ze sex?"
I was surprised at his candor. "No," I answered.
He looked at me in disbelief. "Well if you can't have ze sex, what can you do?"
For simplicity's sake I took my left arm and lined it up under my collarbone. "Nothing below here," I said. I lined my right arm across my knees, "Nothing above here."
"What about your armpit?" he asked, "Can your boyfriend do anything he wants to ze armpit?"
I thought for a moment, "Yeah," I said optimistically. "My boyfriend can do anything he wants to my armpit."
"This is good," he said, "He can stick his penis in and out of ze armpit, and if you grow hair it is almost like a vagine."
My jaw dropped. "Is it too late to change my answer?"

Can you top zes?


Join The Conversation
cotedazur cotedazur 7 years
Whoa! I've dated a lot of French guys, and none of them have ever done anything weird like that. However (hope I'm not generalizing too much here), abstinence before marriage as a concept doesn't really exist in France, so I think most Frenchmen would, literally, wonder... "what can you do?" They also think Mormons are very extreme and sort of cult-like. Aside from all that, this tops any of my awkward first dates. By far.
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Moral behind the lead story - strange people meet strange people!
PirateKitty PirateKitty 7 years
HAHA a few weeks ago at a bar a French guy sat next to me and seductively told me how "hideously deeescusting" I was and how "my face made his eyeballs want to bleed!" and all this other hilarious stuff. All this while he was trying to pet? me. I have to say it was a very unique pickup line, though It did not work.
tglynn tglynn 7 years
I saw it coming too, sham28!
sham28 sham28 7 years
Is it bad if I TOTALLY saw that armpit comment coming? Minus the hair, that's an incredibly frightening detail.
lilegwene lilegwene 7 years
That is soooo gross and hilarious! rofl
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
XD Vive la France. God I thought this only happened in bad rom coms.
snarkypants snarkypants 7 years
chloe-bella chloe-bella 7 years
That is hilarious! I studied in Paris for a while and can totally picture a Frenchman asking that to a woman he just met.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
LOL very very funny if i were a virgin by choice, and a guy asked "what can you do?" i'd be outta there!!
genesisrocks genesisrocks 7 years
Oh WOW. No, I can't top that!
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