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Embarrassed About Virginity

"I'm Embarrassed That I'm Still a Virgin"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

I oscillate between being ashamed that I'm a virgin, to being proud, to being indifferent. Right now I feel embarrassed about it. I was watching Girls on HBO and one character, Shoshanna, is a virgin. They write her character as being so neurotic and whenever she mentions to someone that she's a virgin, they look at her with shock and awe. In one scene, she was about to have sex with a guy, but he stopped and said something like, "Ewww, you're a virgin? I can't have sex with a virgin. They get too attached."

Anyway, I felt her sadness and embarrassment and it opened up an emotional can of worms for me. She's 21, like me.

After a string of bad dates, I just feel very discouraged and stigmatized. I was talking with a friend of a friend and she asked me if I'd ever had a threesome. When I told her that I'd never even had a twosome, she just kind of stared at me and silence fell over us. I've done different things with guys, just never sex. My mom tries to make me feel better about it because she lost her virginity at 20, but still.

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
When you fall in mutual love with some cute guy that makes you melt everywhere, and you will, it just won't matter when it is and nothing will be able to stop you. Society, people in the next room, lack of condoms, whatever. In the meantime you're free of disease, pregnancy worries and you aren't obsessing over some guy that you had sex with but isn't treating you the way you would hope. It's all good. You have something pretty sweet to look forward to!!
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Hey there Christian. I'm going to say to you what I and a lot of others here say to a lot of people. You would do well to see a therapist. You have issues of self esteem, wrapped around issues of physical health, and medication....both of which are effecting you emotionaly. No, you shouldn't just find some random girl to "train with". You're not emotionaly prepared for a relationship.....and there's a lot of dating and getting to know people that comes before relationship and comes before good sex....a lot of steps from A to E.....and you seem to be jumping straight past those steps. Everyone is bad in bad when they start. And your size is pretty close to average, so stop freaking about that. There's just a lot of basic information that you're missing, emotionaly, physicaly, sexually and health wise, and the best thing you can do is to slow down, take a breath, calm down, and find a professional who can help you with all of these intertwinged issues. Most doc these days are really over scheduled, so when you go in to see one, you need to a have yourself a checklist of things you want to talk about. And don't leave everything up to the doc....It can also help to have someone close to you who is familiar with your issues, to go with you and advocate for you....back you up with the questions for the doc, info from the doc. You know, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, particularly when you're not ready for sex. And what I'm hearing right now, is you're missing the potential for friendship and intimacy even more than the potential for sex. Again, a therapist can help you with understand the difference between the two, and can help you with your self esteem issues, so that you can improve on your social skills, and deal with anxiety around stepping into new territories, new experiences. The things you want are so very human, so very normal, and you're facing some physical issues pretty young, which are messing with your head. Prostititis will mess with a man much older and more experienced, and put all of your issues together, and I just really think the best thing you can do for yourself is seek counseling to help you untangle these threads. take good care, blessed be
Christian90z Christian90z 4 years
Let's start from the beginning, I'm a 23 year old virgin living in a small town in the UK. As a kid I was really really fat, and at the age of 18 I was diagnosed with diabetes. This made me change my lifestyle quite drastically, I had to change my diet and I have to eat regularly on the hour. I also started to workout, either going to the gym, jogging or swimming. I'm not the fittest guy in the world and I don't have a six-pack but I'm not the fat kid anynore and I know logically that I'm atleast decent looking. But I still have problems looking in the mirror since all I see is that ugly fat guy I used to be.When I was 19 I went to a party with a couple of friends where I meet a girl. We had alot of fun talking and I could tell she was intrestead in me. We decided to leave the party and go skinny dipping at the beach, I was really nervouse about it since I'm not what you would call well endowed (5.5 inches). But on our way to the beach she gave me my first kiss and we stopped several times to make out, and I felt like I started to lose control over what I was doing. The thing is she was kind of drunk, (not falling over drunk but definatly not sober) I on the other hand because of my diabetes can't drink alcohol anymore. Before we started skinny dipping I asked her if she wanted to stop since she had been drinking and I was sober, she answerd me by taking of all her clothes and after that my brain wouldn't let my resist. I still feel guilty about it because some part of me feel like I took advantage of her, but I couldn't helpmyself. I had never been so happy in my life, kissing a girl that was sitting naked on my lap while in the water. Because her and my friend was with us we didn't go all the way, but I didn't care. I tried contacting her a couple of days later and then she told me it was a nice evening but she didn't want to meet me. She also told me the reason was that I wasn't a good kisser and that she didn't want to teach me, when I told her she was my first kiss. Have u ever felt guilty for hooking up with or kissing a drunk girl when u where sober?That really didn't help my confidence and to make matters worse I had developed a chronic condition called prostatitis which basically means almost every time I pee it feels like I'm peeing acid. And after an orgasm there is a 50/50 chance I will experience extreme pain. All this had made me really shy, and then I started my last year of high school. I actually got a couple of girl friends and I started to fall for a girl in my class. We could talk for hours everyday, but she had a boyfriend so I didn't want to cross that line. When see broke up with him I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was to late, after a month she started to date a good friend of mine. The rest of the school year went by with the love of my life beeing too far away. At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore, I told her how I felt. I said I didn't expect anything I just had to tell her, she was the first girl I had ever loved. Let's just say that not only didn't she respond to my feelings, but I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That really made me feel guilty, and the thought of ever telling a girl how I feel really scares me.I've always been kind of a nerdy guy, playing video games and reading comics etc. And it's really clear if u come to my home that I'm a nerd. I'm almost like lenoard from the big bang theory expect I'm not that smart. So if I ever get a girlfriend there are somethings about me she is just going to have to accept. But because of all of my other problems, I just wouldn't feel right about subjecting someone to the pain I have to live with everyday. There has been other girls and even some grown women that has come on to me, but I've been to scared about my kissing, beeing a virgin I know I'm going to suck, because of my size, the chance of pain, and I will probably not last long. And beeing a virgin for so long I don't feel like it would be right to lose it to some random drunk girl. I'm not saving myself for marrige or anything like that, but I would like to atleast have known the girl for more then five seconds. I recently met a gir that I thought could be perfect for me, we went out for a couple of times on what I thought were dates, but a couple of days ago she changed her facebook status to in a releationship with a guy I know. What kind of tips do u have for a guy like me to actually get a girlfriend?, a part of my feel like I don't deserve it, but I'm tired of beeing misrable, I want to be happy. I might get to a point where I will get desparet enough to just hook up with some random girl and pretend she cares about me but I'm not there yet. My birthday is coming up soon though and beeing without psyhical contact for so long is starting to get really hard. I just want a girl to share my life with, cuddle up in bed, and telling me she loves me. I had a dream about this recent girl last night and I woke up crying like a baby, it felt so good for a second to believe that someone was holding me and caring about me. I've actually considerd going to a prostitute, not for sex, but just laying on a bed and holding eachother. Should I just find some random girl to "train" with? So that I'm ready if I ever find someone that can love a guy like me. Cause honestly sex scares me, but I don't want to be bad if I find the right girl. Sorry for potential bad grammar, I'm on pain meds atm.
matoad matoad 5 years
I think staying a virgin into your twenties is more common than you think. A great thing about this is that when you do actually lose your virginity you're much more likely to have an idea of what you want, and actually get a good experience out of it. As a teenager, chances of not ending up confused/annoyed/embarrassed are probably slimmer. So, good things ahead. :)
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
Please don't measure yourself against a character on an HBO show.  Of course HBO is gonig to portray a virgin as neurotic and weird.  HBO shows are all about the sex.   I think it's better to be a virgin than to have sexual regrets. 
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
Ok...First of all, you should not be embarrassed by this. It is a rarity that a 21 year old is a virgin, but there's nothing wrong with that. It means you have more self-control than most and hopefully you are being pickier than most people about who you sleep with. It also means you don't have to worry about std's...Did you read the other poster about sleeping with a guy too soon??? I mean really, do you seriously want those type of worries? Did I sleep with him too soon and ruin my chances? bla bla bla. And that show, words cannot describe. Please don't watch that trash. Media and society have a warped view on sex and virginity and unfortunately it is being forced upon young people. Please learn to be content with your is a good thing, really. I was a virgin until I married, and it was my choice...I don't say I lost my virginity, I gave it was a special moment. Good luck!
strippedlove strippedlove 5 years
Im nearly 20 never done anything with a man but i don't worry because everyones time comes at different times. Sure sometimes i feel left out of sex talk conversations but just because i am a virgin doesn't mean i'm not a sexual person(i am very in touch with my sexuality). Some people feel comfortable to have sex at a younger age and others don't. Try not to let society make you feel bad about who you are and pressure you into to doing something. There will always be sterotypes no way of getting around it. Its your life and your living it for yourself not others because at the end of the day your the one who has to deal with your decisions and with how you feel about yourself.  :) 
BeatleBabe BeatleBabe 5 years
I'm 27 and still a virgin. Like you, I bounce back and forth between embarassment, indifference, and pride.
nikkisoda nikkisoda 5 years
Well, I'm embarrassed of who I lost my virginity to. The grass is always greener. Who cares that you're still a virgin. Get over it, embrace it. I guarantee that at the end of the day you are the only one dwelling on it. Nobody else really cares what anyone does in the bedroom. And PS your friend of a friend is more of a rarity for having a threesome than you are for being a virgin.  
newGoldmarie newGoldmarie 5 years
People, pleaaaase, I think we can all do without this....or maybe it's a sign I'm out of the age range.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Your virginity is not a prize. Having it doesn't mean you've done everything right and losing it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. It just means you haven't met the guy and felt the electricity, the connection that makes you want to go that extra step. There are people and cultures who put a premium on virginity, but you, apparently don't. Perhaps, if you spend some time really examining how you feel, and why you feel what you feel, you can make some choices about......well, about the choices you make. And girl, really, stop looking to tv for some clue or answer about your moral code, your social expectations, anything, but entertainment! If you're not getting examples of life experience and social experience the inspire or inform you, then look around for a new experience. A book club, a house of faith, a class, a craft, a sport. Because if what you're doing now is not working for you, then it's time to change it. good luck
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Lexi, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but that doesn't mean you have to be spiteful towards guys. Women who wait until marriage sometimes get a douchebag who divorces them shortly into the marriage and they go through the same kind of feelings of being used, etc, that you are. It's a sad fact of relationships that they don't all last and we don't always make the best decisions. What matters is what we do with those decisions and their repercussions. Don't feel as if it's too late for you, it's only too late if you give up on yourself. Don't give up on yourself. There's always a new day tomorrow. OP, don't be embarrassed about being a virgin. People have different timelines for their sexual lives because we're all different. Not everyone is ready to get married when they're young, but not everyone who gets married young is doomed for failure. Not everyone who saves their virginity for marriage are neurotically repressed people, nor is every girl who has sex by the time she can drive a very sex positive & knowledgeable person. Until you find the guy that's right, get good with self pleasure, keep your sexual urges channeled in a way that will help you in the future as well as keep you from losing your mind to hormones. fyi, tampons won't break your hymen unless you're really shoving them in violently, but normal sized dildos/vibrators likely will. If you want to buy a sex toy that will preserve your physical virginity, I would recommend a fingertip massager or mini-wand, as those are for external use only & not intended for penetration :)
lexib1994 lexib1994 5 years
Girl take it from me. SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE. It sounds very uptight and phony but it's not. I was saving my virginity for someone special- not marriage per se. I met my exboyfriend around 17-18 and I was convinced I was in love. He broke up with me 8 months later and I regret losing it. It made me feel used. I don't want to go through life having sex with every guy that woo's me off my feet. I wish I would have saved it for the man I am going to marry. But it's too late for me, not for you. So don't be discouraged or ashamed. Saving it for someone you KNOW is worth it, maybe not even if youre married, will be the best thing you ever do. You already saved it for 22 years, don't make those years be in vain by losing it to some douchebag just to get it over with! Best of luck to you!
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
Wow don't use the word 'Slut" LOL for yall that have selected memories. Just be indifferent about it. Do Not be ashamed of it and I wouldn't boast it either, you'll attract the wrong guy that just wants to brag about deflowering the virgin. Morals and values are hard to find these days. Don't push yourself or let any one push you into something you're not ready for or don't want. take your time when the time is right it'll happen and you'll be glad you waited.
lavendulia lavendulia 5 years
Who cares what people think? I lost mine at 25 and I have no regrets or never felt ashamed. Not even a little bit. I think girls are raised to grow up too fast for their own good. Do what feels right FOR YOU. Screw what a silly TV show says or even what your friends say. This is your life and you are the only one that needs to live it.
plmnko plmnko 5 years
Society puts too much on sex,if you have it too soon you're a slut,too late there's something wrong with you. Your virginity is a state of being, its not something you give away or hang on to. Its just a moment of time in your life. If you want to wait I think that's great,but I think you should do it for you,because you haven't found a man you wanted to share sex with. So you haven't a guy yet that you connected with well enough to have sex with,who cares. Its better than having a one night stand just to lose it. Know one should care about it but you,its your business and yours alone. I think we need to move away from viewing sex as this ultimate gift or act of disgrace,there's too much attached to those two extremes. There's way too much pressure in both camps. I don't think you should feel ashamed about how you live your life as long as you're happy. Do what's right for you and forget everyone else. Good luck,I know its hard when everyone puts so much on this but you cant think of it like that.
nicomichelle nicomichelle 5 years
There is nothing to be ashamed of. I lost my virginity at 21. I'm not saying you have to hurry up and lose it by 22, but just know that there are a lot of virgins still in their 20's. I was also embarrassed and ashamed because my younger sister lost is at 16! Which is average for most people. But you know what? Losing your virginity at a later age sets you apart from majority of the population. I am actually really glad I wasn't one of those teenagers in high school that did stupid shit and had sex all the time. And yes, TV shows like to exaggerate. I agree with a previous user who said that if a guy makes a sneer remark about you being a virgin, then he isn't the guy to lose it to. Most guys I know have actually respected me more because I was still a virgin when they met me. Society expects you to lose it by 18, that's why many people are shocked when they hear of 20 or 30 something year old virgins, but at least that means you aren't going to just settle for anybody. It shows that you respect your body, and if it hasn't happened yet, then it just hasn't happened yet. Don't force it. The time will come when the time comes.
lucyxxx lucyxxx 5 years
Your virginity will only be a big deal to you until you lose it. And you WILL lose it. Age really is not a big deal surrounding it, and 21 is still young, believe me. Try to be happy with what you have :)
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
I'm 22 and still a virgin. It has never been an issue with any guy I have dated. In fact, most guys I've dated would have been happy to be my first. And, if it ever is an issue for the person you are dating they are probably not the kind of guy you want to lose your virginity too.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
There's no reason to be embarrassed because of your virginity. First of all, remember that what you are watching is a tv show, and they have to do things to make it interested and draw viewers. Second, if any guy says something like that, would be REALLY be the one that you would want to lose your virginity to? When you start to feel embarrassed, think of all the things you haven't had to deal with, such as worrying about unexpected pregnancies, STDs, etc. You'll lose it when the time is right for YOU, which shouldn't be because you are embarrassed of your status at your age, but because you really want to do so, and with the person you want to be with.
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