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Engaged Brother Cheapening Our Engagement?

Group Therapy: Engaged Brother Cheapening Our Engagement?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm dying to get some third party opinions on this situation and I suppose get this off my chest. I had been in a long distance relationship with my current fiance for about two and a half years until about 2 months ago when I moved to his town. I'm now staying with his family while we save up for various things and getting our own place. We're nearing our three year anniversary and made a mutual decision that we are ready to get married. We bought wedding rings, skipping the engagement ring and the whole proposal for that matter. Now we're planning on a spring time wedding. It'll be small, simple, and intimate.

Well, insert my fiance's older and only brother. His brother is 25, still living at home, never had a real job, is absolutely helpless without his mother (whines when he's hungry, throws a fit when they make something he doesn't like for dinner, etc), and has some serious anger problems. He's extremely immature and just got his first girlfriend at 25 less than three months ago. His girlfriend is 19, has a job, and is still living at home also. They haven't been together three months yet and they are already engaged and in some serious planning stages of their wedding. My fiance's brother proposed to his girlfriend two days after we announced we were "engaged." Two days . . .


See the rest, after the jump!

He has always had a habit of being a sort of copycat of his younger brother, which is a little backwards, but it's always been somewhat of an annoyance. Not only is the whole situation of his relationship and engagement disturbing and rushed, but it almost seems like he's trying to overshadow our happy time. Their family is supportive of his brother's wedding/engagement, which is confusing me even more because they come from a very traditional Christian family. His mother wanted to have an engagement party for us two couples, but I politely declined the idea because I don't think it's fair to clump us together in these events. This is our special time. And in some way I feel like my fiance's brother is cheapening the specialness of our engagement and love with his shotgun relationship.

I feel hurt, outraged, annoyed, and so many other emotions towards this whole scenario. And I don't know where I am and am not justified in how I feel. I just feel insulted but at the same time concerned by the idea that they are rushing every aspect of their relationship. I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm looking for here, but any would help. I guess I just need some justification.

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pink-elephant pink-elephant 5 years
^^ sorry I meant, "make it a point to focus on you and your future husband" (as well as the life you'll spend together.) Congrats!
pink-elephant pink-elephant 5 years
First of all let me start off by saying...I can totally relate! Almost the exact same thing happened to me only it was my own brother. My husband and I had been engaged for about 7 months already and then my brother who had broken up with his previous girlfriend met a new girl and within 2 weeks they were engaged and as if that wasn't enough had their wedding one week before ours, which left many of our guests and family members able to attend only one wedding. So it was difficult and there were many hard feelings, I'll admit, at times, it amy still get me steamed, the key really is to try to forgive and let go. Sometimes they may be clueless, but honestly, I've had to suffer through this-don't let it steal your happiness on the biggest day of your life!! Don't let all your memories of what is supposed to be the happiest day in your new life be concerned with what your brother in law is up to. Make it a point to focus only on you and take it from someone who has been there, determine to rise above their pettiness and be happy no matter the circumstances. It's your day-don't let them ruin it.
foxie foxie 6 years
You're the one who originally wanted to keep it low-key, no? And now you're not only pointing fingers at your fiance's brother, but also throwing in some personal jabs for good measure. That's not a good way to treat anyone, let alone your future in-laws.
KibzeeLovee KibzeeLovee 6 years
don't feel crazy, you're not. but you are going to have to live with the craziness!
Rwandawithlove Rwandawithlove 6 years
I understand you are annoyed, but trust me you will gain nothing by focusing on your future brother in lawy. Bridezilla might be rearing it's head a little. Think about why you want all the focus to be on you? And honestly if having a dual wedding with your brother in law bothers you that much, postpone your wedding. EASY PEEZY.
bransugar79 bransugar79 6 years
I don't think you are selfish and spoiled for feeling this way. My husband's brother is the same way (he too is the older loser brother trying to copy his more successful younger brother.) It can get really annoying when everything you do turns into some sort of chance to be one up'd by someone starved for attention. That being said all you can really do is be more mature. Realize that this guy is a joke, and that all he has in his life is the attention he gets from pulling this kind of crap. I assume this isn't the first time you've had to deal with his hi jinks, or you probably wouldn't be so upset about it. You have to start looking at it as a compliment in a way. Every time he tries to do something to outdo your fiance, just understand that he desperately wishes he had his crap together and maybe has no clue as to how he should go about putting his life in order. Just try to overcome the impulse to be petty and annoyed and see through his act. You may start to genuinely feel sorry for him.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
The brother is INTENTIONALLY trying to overshadow things, how is she NOT justified in being upset?
inlove23 inlove23 6 years
I am totally with Danakscully one this one. I don't think she comes off as a bridezilla at all!! The brother is obviously looking for attention and I can't believe his girlfriend would commit to marrying him! Just hold your head high and remember that it's about you two only. Congrats on getting engaged though! =)
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
My goodness, is yours a royal wedding? Because if it isn't: you get one day to be a princess, not a whole season. Get over yourself.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 6 years
First off, Congratulations.... Second... I'm with spacekat. I cant really understand your annoyance unless you're being completely selfish about this. If his brother wants to be engaged let the guy be engaged. This is a time for you to be happy so why let someone elses engagement ruin that for you? I say take the high road and be happy for his brother and continue worrying about your own wedding.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Your fiance's brother sounds annoying as hell, but there's really nothing you can do about his life choices. Like danaskully64 said, just roll with it. The important thing here is that you're marrying the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, correct? When it all comes down to it, the rest is more superficial. Wish the brother-in-law all the best for him and his girlfriend and focus on your own wedding and marriage. Stirring up any ill feelings with the in-laws is a big no-no, especially right before you join the family as your fiance's wife. It'll lead to a boat load of problems, trust me. Keep your chin up, take the high road, and stop worrying so much about a BIL's life. No one's going to forget that you're getting married just because of your BIL's overzealous reaction to his very first girlfriend. In a nutshell: - It's ok that you feel annoyed, BUT... - You cannot control your BIL, so don't even try. - Take a deep breath, step back, and focus on your own situation, not your BIL's situation. Wish them well and start focusing on your own wedding/marriage.
RedVixxen RedVixxen 6 years
I'd say you are perfectly normal for feeling the way you do. However, allowing yourself to give that much attention to the situation only hurts you, so I would suggest pushing yourself to be the bigger person and not be ill-willed towards the BIL, and even your future MIL. Focus your time on your friends and family that are supportive of your engagement and if sometimes that means skipping out on his family engagements then be sure to explain to your fiance where you are coming from and that separating yourself from the situation may be the best temporary solution until your feelings subside.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
I don't think she comes off as a Bridezilla at all. I have a sister who tries to overshadow every exciting thing that happens to others in the family, I know how it feels. OP - You're justified in feeling the way you do, but since you can't control their situation, just go with it. Are they getting married first?
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 6 years
I don't think this is that big of a deal. I certainly wouldn't want a joint engagement party either, but let his brother live his life and you focus on living yours. Who cares if he's copying your fiance? That's his decision and his problem not yours. Maybe he's making a rash decision, maybe he's really in love, either way it's not about you or your fiance, it's about him and you need to recognize that and let it go.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
Hahahaha! Just sit back and watch the fireworks. It'll be like a celebrity wedding, honeymoon, breakup and divorce. While I am supportive of your point of view (I'd be annoyed too), I think it sounds like that, during your long period of long-distance togetherness, you have forgotten something really critical. You aren't just marrying him, you're getting his whole family too. This the kind of $h!t that they obviously get up to when emotions run high. Good luck to you! :)
turtleshell turtleshell 6 years
It sounds like you are being selfish and jealous... which is odd considering CLEARLY you and your fiance are the more stable, established couple. Why would you freak out over such an immature decision? "And in some way I feel like my fiance's brother is cheapening the specialness of our engagement and love with his shotgun relationship." I think that says a bit about your personality... why are you so focused on THEIR relationship?! Is the fact that you will be marrying someone you love not good enough? Sounds like you want to be the centre of attention... Maybe it will be good for your ego to have to share the spotlight.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
You have every right to be annoyed, I would be too. Since there really isn't much you can do, I would let your guy handle any problems that arise, it's not your problem to deal with. I'm sorry this happened, I think it sucks and his Mother was very inconsiderate to want to pair your engagement parties together. It's not a birthday party, engagements are (supposed to be) once in a lifetime. "Then you can pretend to be shocked when the pregnant fiancée runs off with a truck driver the day before the wedding. " LOL
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
It's fine for you to feel however you want. I'd loathe the little goof too! But the smartest strategy is to take the high road. If you cause a commotion about your BIL (Brother in Law, to be), your PIL (Parents in Law) will get mad at you because they still see him as their lil boy with good intentions. His wanting to get married is their best shot at eventually getting him out of the house! To them, it's great that he wants to be mature. They might even credit you with influencing him. You can console yourself with the fact that his marriage will likely go down in flames--if it ever even happens. Sounds like you're ready and he isn't. But pointing that out to him and others will have no positive effect. Act as if you wish him well. (Besides, if he actually did manage to grow up and make it work, you wouldn't begrudge him that.) If you are going to claim to be more mature than him, you can't lower yourself to his level. Pretend you take it all seriously. Then you can pretend to be shocked when the pregnant fiancée runs off with a truck driver the day before the wedding.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Well, no one can tell you that you can't feel like this or that, because you're obviously feeling 'hurt,' etc over your fiancee's brother. May I ask you..WHY in the world are you so focused on your fiancee's brother (who seems to be such a loser?)? I mean, if anything, I won't give a damn about him, if I were you. Newsflash, people get engaged all the time, it just happens that his brother proposed 2 days after, if the reason of him doing it is to copycat...So what, hon. That's his own mistake to make. Real marriage takes lots of love and hardwork to keep up, and it shouldn't be treated as joke/etc, but if he chose to get married for the wrong reasons, it's really his business (and the girl he's engaged to). It's his life he'll be messing up first and foremost. Why don't you focus more on your engagement party (if you have one)? Do it separately, I agree. Just focus on being happy with your engagement and pay no mind to his brother's engagement.
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