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Engaged to a Man, but I Think I'm Gay

"I'm Engaged to a Man, but I Think I'm a Lesbian"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

This is all a little too much to discuss with my friends. I have tried with a few, but I just don't think they understand. I have been in relationships, mostly with men, constantly since I was a teenager. I feel like I was looking for something, jumping from guy to guy, enjoying the initial excitement, but after that wears off I am bored, unhappy, and confused.

I thought I was looking for something, and I couldn't figure out what. The few flings I have had with women were passionate, but ended badly, probably because of my confused state. I've been in my current relationship for three years, he proposed and I said yes. I feel like I've been pushing myself further and further into this relationship and commitment, because I feel like I'll reach a point where I'll be completely happy and satisfied. He is honestly everything I should want. But I'm not happy.

I only have sex to hide what I'm really feeling, and it's rarely that we do. I am not attracted to him at all — I am not attracted to males at all anymore — progressively I have found males more and more repulsive. I recently cheated with another guy because I was so frustrated and confused, and when it came down to it, I was still repulsed and felt no sexual attraction. I have known I was bi from a young age, but now I honestly feel like I am a lesbian. But I love my fiancé so much I feel like I can't leave him.

Recently, I've been thinking about women a lot. I am attracted to one in particular, and have had a series of serious attractions over the course of the last year. I feel like I am trapped because this is the life I am supposed to live, and I don't know what to do. I do love him, but I feel like I am lying to myself and missing a big piece of myself. But the friends I have spoken to think I will get over this "phase," even though it's been going on for so long.

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Join The Conversation
GregS GregS 6 years
I never said marriage should have no defined rules. I just don't think it's exclusive to a man and a woman. There's no logical reason to prohibit 2 men or 2 women from marrying. Even in an historical context, same sex marriages and contracts have been written since earliest times. Doesn't mean I agree or disagree with the act - it isn't something I would do - but I see no reason why it shouldn't happen, or why society should rule against it. Just like there's no real reason why a man cannot have more than one wife, or a woman have more than one husband, or 2 men cannot both marry 2 women. I do, though, ascribe to a morality and a code of conduct. I just don't force my morality and ethics upon anyone. It is not my place to proselytize. As much evidence as there may be concerning "role models" of a m/f union on children, there are as many that state that it really doesn't matter so long as the parents are a nuturing, loving and caring. As for what brings down societies is not morality but greed and corruption, or over-extending themselves to the point they can no longer protect themselves effectively. Roman immorality is infamous because it goes against Christian "doctrine" and the church's need to strike fear in the peasantry of hell and damnation. Keeps them in line and marching in step. Yet that same church apparently conducted same-sex marriages in the church from 800 to 1600 AD. It was greed, corruption and over-extending that did the Romans in. It was over-extending that did the British Empire in WWII. It was greed that did the French in. The Greeks were absorbed by an overwhelming force of Romans and an inability to join together for self-protection. Morality, or lack thereof, had nothing to do with it. The only thing I'll promote is considering the other person(s) involved needs, desires, hopes and dreams before you act. In my mind, there is no higher morality.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Also unsubscribing. One thing I have learned in my short life, never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Unsubscribing from this topic now.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
@Greg, I can ask you the same question since you wish to push your morality on me. (Actually, the appointment is in the fine print.)
GregS GregS 6 years
What makes YOU right, Pax? Who made you the arbiter of morality? Who gave you the right to say your version is right, or mine wrong?
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
Yes, @BiWife, I read her post. She is free to make that decision, but that does not make her right, nor the poster with whom she agrees. (Remember, she is the one who is currently seeking help -- so long as it doesn't challenge the real issues in her life.) I am disappointed that so many posters only speak the "party line" and aren't open to differing views.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
Pax, the OP did respond and she stated that while she thanked the rest of us for our good/kind/thoughtful advice, she did not appreciate the awful things you had to say. Free market spoke, you just missed the post back on page 1.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
Gosh, ladies, you get mean ... and off topic. Let the OP pick whose advise she will follow. Or are you as much against free market as you are against free speech?
GregS GregS 6 years
I used to be christian until they started getting political. My reverend (before the ones that made me leave) really believed that you should love your neighbor as yourself, and to love the lord your god with all your heart and mind and soul. He (Jesus) didn't say anything about, except for gays, lesbians, Jews, Islamists, Buddhists, druids, or Democrats. Maybe that's in the Fox/Falwell version of the Bible.
Lucky17 Lucky17 6 years
Wow! Some passions running here... I'm a Christian, straight, and I guess I want to defend my religion by writing this post as much as I want to offer an advice. Ladies, while there is a streak for unfortunate intolerance in the church, it does not mean that all Christians are baaaaaaaaaaaad! :) Well, may be KKK is :) Hun, don't hurt him or yourself. Talk to him, approach the subject - if he dismisses you again, he is probably not mature enough to appreciate the fact that life is more complex than a video game. From your post I gathered that he can accept you as either straight (therefore into him) or bi (therefore not into him), - and thus he sounds like he has some thinking and growing to do. If you both jump into marriage now, without this resolved, it may become a cause of pain later. On other note, did you ever thought that he insists on you being straight because he is afraid that he will have to be jealous of women flirting with you as well as of men? If he is - oh god please put some brain into that man's head! :)
jenta jenta 6 years
Sweet heart follow your heart. Don't lock your self inside because of someone else feeling. yes they will be hurt but at the end you wont be miserable.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Lol postmod, actually no! I was fortunate enough to go to a Jesus Camp led by *real* Christians, they may have felt homosexuality was a sin (unfortunate so many Christians do) but throwing out insults like 'human wreckage,' advocating hate speech and continuing to push an issue even after being told what they were saying was hurtful and offensive- never. True Christians wouldn't do any of those things. So pax is a dude... wow. Not only is he a homophobe, he's also a misogynist! That explains a lot. And married... poor wifey.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Is anyone else getting the impression that pax4pax might be the fat lady from Jesus Camp?
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
I can relate to what you are going through. I am engaged and before I got into a serious relationship with this man, I was into a woman, one which I still think about and I don't understand why. She was just a great [person and things ended bad because I ended up with the man I am with now. I sometimes wonder if I am a lesbian, but I know in my hear that I am not. But if you really believe that you are not, then you have to be honest with yourself, stay single for a while and figure yourself out. Good luck to you.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
It's your parallel pax, not mine. 6 million people were murdered and you think Jews have "done well" despite hate speech? Time to operate in reality. "Being insulted is an option of the person receiving the comment." If you take something personally, that's your problem. Banhammer yes! This site is way too LGBT friendly for the anti-gay agenda.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
@spacekatgal, I agree that we're way off topic. In an earlier discussion, someone was beating up @Betty Wayne pretty good and I intervened with that comment. Aren't we here to advise people with problems? The more points of view a person can get on their issue, the more likely they are to make a better decision. By the way, know your facts before you accuse someone of Antisemitism -- I take that very personally.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
Ha, @Betty Wayne, talk about throwing a nuclear bomb in a snowball fight! Your parallel does not work. "Hate" hasn't caused the Jewish people to demand that freedom of thought or speech be curtailed, nor to demand Jewish history be taught in schools, nor that Jewish heroes specifically be taught in schools. Being ethnically Jewish is not a choice, has nothing to do with genes, other than heritage. It's not a characteristic one could change.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
The Jewish people haven't done all so well pax... ever heard of the Holocaust?
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Not cool at all, Pax. Homosexuality has never harmed anyone. But in the past, intolerance, hatred, and violence have made life for well-intentioned gay and bisexual people a living hell. No one has the right to do that. There are messed up people and healthy people and inbetweeners of all sexualities. And relationship problems happen regardless of who you bed. If you have a constructive and specific idea about how an individual can improve their situation, great. But this is NOT the place to criticize who someone IS. That is incredibly rejecting and hurtful. It would be like telling you you are damaged and sinful for loving God or your parents. You would be aghast if someone said that. Most people are convinced that homosexuality and bisexuality are as normal as religiosity. It might not be for you or me, but it is not okay to condemn in others. If you choose to say things that are hurtful, you have the constitutional right to not be jailed for it. But others also have the right to say the opposite. And they have the right to get angry, complain, and ultimately drown you out.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Also, check this NatGeo article... animals are not as straight as you think! http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0722_040722_gayanimal.html
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Wow. Just wow. Gays and lesbians have high rates of depression directly caused by the sin of their sexuality- it has nothing to do with hate-speech and homophobia- that makes sense! SKG I heard about that gay cure app... disgusting. Funny coincidence, I have a paper due this week on LGBT human rights worldwide and how religion is the main cause behind it. Did you know that since 1979, over 4,000 gays and lesbians have been executed in Iran alone? Scary that same hate mentality is so prevalent here too.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
You may or may not be gay, it's for you to explore, but it's unfair to be subjecting someone who's under the impression that you're committed to them monogamously. I also find it very disturbing that you've slept/cheated with another man out of frustration, where's the 'love' for your fiancee then--since you claim to love him so much that you can't let go? Please let him go as soon as possible. Don't marry anyone out of 'obligation' or perceived 'love.' Stop lying to yourself and him. I agree with the others, there will be hurt involved--breaking up is NEVER easy-- but in the long run it'll be better for both of you. Hopefully you are going to find what you makes you truly happy. Good luck.
wazzabe1019 wazzabe1019 6 years
@pax4pax.. I think 99.9% of the people here will agree with me in saying.. you're an immature, homophobic, flat-out loser. And I was just wondering if you have many friends? It just doesn't seem like people would want to be around you.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
@Betty Wayne, taking something as an insult is on the part of the recipient. I trust that people here are mature enough to take "hard love." I could take your comments as insults, but instead I take them as simply comments. I put the value on them that I want. Being insulted is an option of the person receiving the comment. If you deny that, you deny your position of relativity.
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