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Ex Gave Baby Name I Picked Out

"My Ex Gave His First Born a Name I Picked Out"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex and I dated for two years, during which we had two miscarriages. Since I'm a typical woman, I did have a few names in mind that I really liked, which I shared with him, as we had already come close to having a baby. I want to emphasize that I was the one that picked out the baby names, he simply agreed to them.

We broke up March of 2011, and it was really hard on me. In April and May, I continued to casually see him in hopes that we would get back together, but since it never happened, I decided to instead take a summer-long vacation across the country to give myself some space. Throughout June, he was calling me like crazy wanting to get back together. It seemed like whenever one of us wanted to get back together, the other one didn't. We ended up staying out of touch in July and August for this reason.


In September, he came back into the picture and we casually started seeing each other again. We saw each other maybe once or twice a week, nothing extreme. Once December rolled around, he started to contact me with a lot more frequency. He passed by my job frequently, posted Facebook statuses about missing me, invited me to outings with his family, cooked me dinner, sent me e-mails several times a day and wanted to talk on the phone a lot. I honestly was very confused.

This past Friday, through Facebook, I find out that he had a baby. I was very hurt, especially considering that he got this girl pregnant approximately a month after we originally broke up. I feel used and stupid because he deceived me and hid this from me for the past nine months, during which he tried to get back together several times and we still remained intimate.

I'm entirely confused as to why he would give his new daughter a name (both first and middle) that I had picked out for our future kids. Isn't this an insult to both me and his baby's mother? Why would he do that? I wouldn't have been bothered with it if we hadn't had any pregnancies in our relationship, but we did. And we referred to the two separate pregnancies by the unique names that I had chosen. I'm not upset, I'm simply in shock. I feel like this is a huge no-no, and I can't help but think that he's always going to think of me when he hears his daughter's name. Please help clarify this situation for me.

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Join The Conversation
bisou002 bisou002 5 years
Wow...this guy sounds like a total mess. Agreed that it's possible he has some lingering attachment to you somehow, but I just hope that he mans up and starts acting responsible for the sake of his daughter.
peekstar peekstar 5 years
This is really interesting. Who can really say? Perhaps he wants to remember you a little by naming the baby after you, essentially. Not fair to the other woman though, and it's kind of weird. But I feel there are probably psychological implications that no random internet reader (such as myself) would be able to accurately ascertain.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I don't even know what to make of this situation. I agree with the other posters, I just can't wrap my head around the naming thing. So weird.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Its pretty weird, but maybe he was justifying it as his lost child from your miscarriage somehow. Its unfeeling for the mother who I'm sure doesn't know and it doesn't sit well for you either. I wouldn't waste too much of your energy on uncovering the reasons. What's done is done now.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
He's doing this to get to you in some way. It may be that he's hoping you two stay together and that by naming it your names you will feel close to the child. Or he may be trying to rub it in your face that he has something you two wanted without you. Whatever the reason is you need to get far away from him. This will force him to take responsibility and care for this child that he helped bring into the world. For the baby's sake I hope he can be a better father than boyfriend and I hope having a little girl will make him treat all women better. End all contact and move on!
GTCB GTCB 5 years
So... he's a jerk who has used you quite nicely. He used the baby name to annoy you. Methinks that it's time to move on.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I agree with the commenters above. I don't know if it's healthy to speculate on why he did what he did, but I have a guess. My guess is that he was step 1) in denial about the fact that he made a mistake that's going to shape the rest of his life with this rebound woman (btw, her situation right now sucks even worse than yours. can you imagine how she would feel if she found out her child is named after your miscarried child?). then step 2) either dealing with the pain of the other miscarriages by thinking that this baby could be just like the lost baby, or in some crazy way thinking that the two of you could raise this baby together. Either way... with some healing and maybe counseling you can come away from this situation without baggage. I feel for you, but my god your ex and his baby's mother have a hard, hard road ahead of them.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Ita with henna on this one. Let him go and concentrate in healing and moving on without this guy.
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
This is a very unique story and I'm really sorry you are going through this. Obviously your ex does not love his baby's mother nearly as much as he loves you. If it was within the month, you can surely bet it was a rebound hook up from the depression. There really isn't anything you can do about this. He more than likely wishes she was you and is trying the best he can to make it so. Your life continues and so you should move forward, and you should try to make the best of it. Good luck.
RoseAnglaise RoseAnglaise 5 years
Henna Red, I could not have said it better!
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I'm sorry about the loss of your pregnancies, and for the difficult time you're having. I would guess that he's used the name because it's connected to the excitement he felt when you were expecting. I'd guess that he was as disapointed as you when your pregnancies were lost. But whatever it is, your ex has some big issues, and he needs to figure them out, and I really think that you don't need to be a part of them. He has a new baby, a new responsiblitiy, and it doesn't sound to me as though he's prepared for it. He and a rebound date got pregnant and now are parents. I'd guess that the relationship there is not strong, and babies are hard work, quite a learning curve and can stress a weak relationship. I'd guess that he's running away from that situation to you. And you need to not be place he ends up running to. He needs to deal with his issues, with his responsibilities, with the choices he's made, and one of those choices was to lie to you, to hide things. Leave him alone. Wish him the best with his new baby. Leave him alone to deal with it, don't be his distraction. Don't let him pull you into an unresolved mess. Take time, mourn the loss, but let it be a loss. I don't know what the future holds, but you don't need the stress, the mess, the damage that his irresponsibility and dishonesty will bring. Take good care, blessed be
MackenzieBaker MackenzieBaker 5 years
Also, if I were you, I would not dwell on trying to figure out why he is acting like this. I would just accept the fact that you may never know and move on to a happier place.
MackenzieBaker MackenzieBaker 5 years
The fact that your ex named the child he had with another woman after one of your miscarried babies makes me sick. That is such a psycho thing to do, in my opinion. I honestly cannot think of any reason why he would have done that, it is very shocking, and my only advice would be to cut off all contact with him. He doesn't seem good for you, and if it were me, I would never be able to get over what he did enough to even have a friendship with the guy, let alone think of getting back together with him. Letting him remain in your life is probably not healthy for you. I'm sorry, I really wish I had more insight to give on how to deal with this scumbag, but I wish you the best.
Not-Princess22 Not-Princess22 5 years
omg! im so sorry that you are going thru all of this, even i'm in shock and I dont even know this guy. I dont have a reason to tell you why is he acting like this, its beyond my knowledge why would anyone behave like him. All I can tell you is that I wish you to overcome this situation and find the peace and happiness you deserve.
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