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Ex Says He Never Liked You

Group Therapy: Hearing Your Ex Never Liked You

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I broke up with my ex about three months ago. The breakup itself is inconsequential: we were together for about 18 months, and we were happy together for most of that time. But we also knew it wouldn’t be a long-term relationship leading to marriage for many reasons that were discussed waaaay too early on in the relationship (i.e. religion/family differences, I wanted kids and he didn't, etc.).

We decided to stay together regardless of those reasons as long as we were making each other happy. We were very happy and very good for and to each other, but we weren’t "in love." Neither of us ever said it, and neither of us ever felt it. We cared about each other, but love was kept out of the equation. I know this will seem odd to most people, but with our past relationship experiences, it made sense.


When we broke up, we had one of those big, long, crying talks that made me think we would always be in each others' lives as friends. We were each other's best friend for nearly two years, so neither of us felt it would be impossible to remain friends. Stupid, of course, since it always is impossible, at least in the beginning.

Here’s where things change. While we were dating, I knew the password to his email. Because I had been cheated on in the past multiple times by another ex, I had a habit of checking in on him every once in a while. I didn’t find anything noteworthy until a month after we broke up (and at the point, we were still talking and still friends).

He has started dating one of his old co-workers — a girl I knew he had a crush on while we were together, and I’d teased him about it, while he reassured me otherwise. This isn’t important. What’s important is what he said to her about me in an email.

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Dashygurl Dashygurl 6 years
i don't believe its healthy for you to read emails between your ex and his new girl. That will only depress you and keep you from moving forward, but not only that if the split was mutual why are you reading his email, you're only friends. I wish you luck with this for I am going through a simular situation.
stephy1991 stephy1991 6 years
I think he still likes you... maybe he knows you are reading his emails and he will say that stuff to that other girl to make her feel good and stuff. A guy cant just say he never liked anything about you, especially if he was with you for 18 months. Yeah you should talk to him about it and tell him you saw it. What is the worst he can do??? Change his password?? I wouldnt worry, if it was my case I def would ask him about it.
joriss joriss 6 years
Of course he is lying,. You said he already has a crush on her and you knew about it. And him knowing that you are breaking up with him and really doesn't have that clear feelings with each other (just like what you said) make him think that maybe it is his time for him to pursue what he wanted to do for the first place. It didn't mean that he doesn't like you or never been happy with you, its just mean that people are like that. As you have read his email which is not good to do, he starts dating with her after you two broke up. That means he really cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you or to cheat on you. The only reason that he said things like that about you is that he wants to get the girl's trust and make her fall for him. What do you think will happen if he tells to the girl that he had a the greatest time while he was with you?. Its really bothering sometimes to heard things like that from people who you have trusted and cared. But the lesson learn in here is to stop reading emails of other people or you will get hurt.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
If your ex was with you for that long of course there were things he liked about you. You guy's just broke up he may have unresolved issues of anger towards you, that he's not telling you about. My boyfriend used to talk about his ex in the same way even though they were still friendly.He didn't see a future with her because of religious differences, incompatibility on a basic level etc. Now that it's been almost two years since their breakup he has nothing but kind words for her. Just ask him, if he changed his password-he'll obviously say no. After that you can tell him that you can still gain access and that you don't want to be tempted to look at his stuff for old times sake or whatever. I don't think your'e a stalker but I do think that you are not completely over him. Stop the snooping around, no good will come of it. It does'nt sound like you may be able to handle a friendship right now, either. Sever ties for a while so you can heal. Maybe later down the line you guys can rekindle a friendship. Good luck
sourcherry sourcherry 6 years
Aw, I'd feel the same way. But like some people have already said, he was just saying that to reassure the other girl. Really, I have nothing bad to say about my ex, but I still exaggerate one or two of his flaws when talking about him to my boyfriend... So, get that thought out your head: No, he did not hate you. You have no reason to keep pondering about it, you have to move on. Now, to be completely honest, you sound like you have some remaining feelings for him. You know, probably just romanticised affection, but they're still there and you have to admit this to yourself. (I know it's hard, I've been there - I'm actually denial queen when it comes to those matters!). But once you realize it, you'll also realize that the best right now is a little distance. I mean, a sparse exchange of e-mails is ok, but you need a little break in that friendship. For now. About the snooping... First - I think it's always a terrible idea to have your boyfriend's passwords. Even in the most committed of relationships. But that doesn't matter now... The best to do is to to tell him to change the password, because you probably won't stop yourself from checking his e-mails again. Just tell him and then you don't have to worry about it again.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Stop checking his e-mails. Accept the end of the relationship. Move on. That's all he's trying to do.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 6 years
By doing something you shouldn't do, you found something out that made you feel bad. But instead of confronting yourself for this inappropriate snooping, you're wondering how to confront him? Do you consider that kind of behavior normal? Why are you reading his emails at all? And why are you taking what you read so personally? There is obviously something else going on with you, and you need to take some time to figure out what. Seems like he is lucky that this relationship ended when it did. If this is how you acted toward someone you don't love, I hate to think about what you'd do to someone you did love.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 6 years
curiosity killed the cat, eh? i think 1)you need to stop reading his emails. thats an invasion of his privacy as well as his new gf's... its none of your business. 2) even so, who hasnt once told someone they just started dating how terrible their ex was when (lets be honest) it can be a bit of an exaggeration... i think you are reading too far into it. he was probably just saying it to the girl to reassure her that he had no romantic feelings for you.
cortbort cortbort 6 years
I'm worried about you, poor thing. It sounds like you still have feelings for this guy, which are misplaced at this point. The wise thing would be to stop dropping in on the email account and forget a future friendship. He's not your best friend now, and perhaps he wasn't then either. If you have the cash, it sounds like you could use the support of a real therapist. You can't allow yourself to stay with someone when there is no future in store for the two of you, especially during your best years. You've got to care about yourself and your time more than that.
stephley stephley 6 years
Rather than worry about what he thinks or why he's saying things that you shouldn't know about anyway, I think you should concentrate on why you stayed in a relationship that was designed to go nowhere. You had expectations, or else you wouldn't have used fear that he might cheat be as justification for invading his privacy. If you've stayed in a relationship that lacked important spiritual commitment (if religion was a marital dealbreaker, it mattered to at least one of you), when you find connect with someone on that level, the past is going to pale in comparison - at least initially. I'd get out of his business, and focus on what I really want and need out of life.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
Sounds like he's trying to convince himself that you weren't important to him. Honestly, I'd expect him to try and get something going with you again. Especially since it's the holidays and the first breakup never takes. As you pointed out, he has no reason to say those things to her. It's not about her, it's about him and his unresolved feelings for you. Emotions aren't based in logic. Doesn't matter that there are perfectly valid reasons for the 2 of you not to be tougher: he heart wants what it wants. He's struggling with that.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
Fallen85 is dead on. Unless he is extremely weak, he wouldn't have stayed with you for over a year if he didn't like anything about you. That said, move on. If you are too embarassed to tell him you snooped, you could say something like 'did you know your old password is still saved in my browser??? Change your password already, bud!" in a friendly way. And next time you meet someone with whom you have no long term potential, don't stay with them for over a year. It's a surefire way to end up broken hearted.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
Curiosity killed the cat. Meaning, you don't have much moral high ground here. He's gone, you broke up with him, it's over. I mean, why do you care? What are you trying to prove? That you might not be as perfect as you want him remembering you to be? That's what is sounds like... this is almost cliche.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I agree with Fallen85. Stop reading his e-mails, it's a high level of disrespect, maybe that's why he is saying poor things about you, it is clear you don't know what the words respect and boundaries are.
Fallen85 Fallen85 6 years
Put yourself in her position. You're intrested in a new dude but you know he just broke up with a chick that he was friends with for a long time. He's super close with his ex and they still plan on being friends. She is pretty, she is nice, she is smart, she is funny... and you can't figure out why they broke up. You start hesitating about getting together with him... maybe you're rebound? Maybe he still likes her? Maybe when he kisses you he is actually thinking about her?! Oh man, screw this. I'm out! Oh wait... he is picking up on my insecurity... maybe I said to him "soooo.. what's the deal with your ex?"... so he starts reassuring me. He didn't think she was she was pretty, No way, she's not nice, she isn't very smart, she is not funny at all. In fact, he couldn't stand her! Well *phew* I guess you can have sex with him now that she's out of the picture! In other words, he is going to say whatever he can to make sure that the girl he is interested in isnt thinking about you. Talk to him about it, ask him what he has told her about you and frankly, if worse comes to worse, f*cking fess up already! You're a partially crazy stalker exgirlfriend who is pissed that you talked sh!t about her! What's the worst he can do? Stop talking to you? You're already doing that to him. Deal with it and move on. You'll feel a hell of alot better once you do.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Why when people say that they know they're being invasive, they don't stop snooping? I know my ex-fiancee's e-mail password, but I don't check on him, especially after we broke up. I don't need to know more since I was so intent to move on. You need to be honest with yourself, if you've not gotten over him, that's fine, take the appropriate time and space from him. He will understand (eventually), I mean, he will, because he is so into his new love that he won't be too disturbed if you slipped out of his life for the moment (2 weeks have passed and he's not badgering you, has he?). I've been in a similar relationship with my ex who's also my best friend, and honey, believe me that you need that space from him to really get over the relationship although you claimed you guys were 'never in love' to begin with. Please either don't read his e-mails anymore, or be nice and let him know that if he's not changed his password, he should do so as soon as possible, just for his own benefit. I agree with Helen. If that's the worst thing he can say about you, it's not that bad. He doesn't like how you dress, walk, talk, etc, yah, that's plausible, at least, he's not telling her that you're a crazy b1tch who's stalking him, etc...right? And consider this, why would he be 'boasting' about how great you are to his new gf whom he passionately feels for? That doesn't make for a good start for their new relationship, if he's got any smart on him, he should never make his new gf feel insecure about his friendship with you. Take the time and space from him to heal, hon, you'll be ok. When you've moved on emotionally from this relationship and him, then you can decide for yourself if you still want to be his friend or not.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
If that's the worst he had to say about you post breakup, that's pretty good! I don't doubt he meant it. But consider the timing. I'm sure he'll have decent things to say about you after a little time has passed. And, you know this, but you gotta tell him to change his password. You don't have to admit to doing anything. Just let him know you can still get in there. But send the email from your OWN account.
Rory1225 Rory1225 6 years
I am not sure why you would want to be friends with him still. It seems to me that you are still wishing you were together and that is why you are snooping. I think you should find new friends and leave him alone since it clearly isn't healthy for you.
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 6 years
Aw! Oh curiousity. Frankly, it sucks for you. And there is no way you can say anything to him or he will know that you are nosey and in his business. This guy is not your best friend. I'm sorry to say that. It seems like you are the one trying to remain friends and he has moved on with his life completely but still trying to be polite. I'm sorry you saw those hurtful words in the email. Maybe he was trying to placate her because she is a jealous sort? Who really knows- but you won't get to the bottom of this I'm sure. Try and move on and just hang out with new friends.
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