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Family Believes in Arranged Marriage

Group Therapy: My Family Believes in Arranged Marriage, but I'm in Love

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi, I'm a 22-year-old girl from a strict Sikh family, where all my four sisters have had arranged marriages. I have been dating a guy from a Hindu family for four years. His family really likes me and we want to get married next year, but due to my parents we are afraid of the consequences.

My one sister is divorced, and yet my dad is very against love, and if he finds out that I love someone who is not in my cast there is going to be drama. My sister who is divorced also wanted to get married to someone she liked, but my dad apparently got "sick," and she was forced to marry someone who left her in six weeks. I really want to make my family believe that love marriage isn't a bad thing, and the person I love is financially stable and a good person. They even know him and his family, but they don't know about us. Can I please get help on how can make my family accept him.

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Join The Conversation
sleepingb sleepingb 5 years
i was talking today with his mom and she said we should go as a family and talk things with my family.she said she doesnt want to rush things but she thinks that my familly should know what is happening and then marriage can happen any time but there wont be ant stress once they know. my dad reallt seems to like him but i really dont know what he sees in a son in law..i cant just sit hand on hand...i need to think what next...
bujen bujen 5 years
i think you should just go ahead and marry the guy, if you love him and have been dating him for 4 years. if your parents dont approve then just go ahead and get married without their blessing even though you probably would feel better if yo had their blessing. just a bit advice from someone who went through the same problem, i went against my parent's wishes and married the man i loved and still love and we are still happy and have two beautiful children. just go ahead and follow your heart, you sure as hell wont regret it, but you will regret marrying a man just because your parents like and approve of him. good luck and i wish you both the best in your relationship.
sleepingb sleepingb 5 years
im just unable to tell my sisters about it since they themselves might not sife with me..i love him and love my family.i know there isnt any easy way of getting out of this but i have to think what is next...
TurkishPeach TurkishPeach 5 years
You've known the guy for four years. He isn't some fling or guy you just met on the street. You are in love. Sometimes you just have to make the lea[ and do it!!!
sleepingb sleepingb 5 years
sometimes i feel i do not know my family.i know they wouldnt wish me bad and still... my family has always been all about arrange marriages.from my grand parents to all their kids and all my mom fears that usually love marriages break faster thaan arrange,she has seen a couple of love marriages break and thinks if im for it,its dad i guess i am scared of them rejecting him,but i do fear him.i wouldnt want my parents sick, i dont want them to fear the society,i dont want them to fear what my sisters in laws can say..its sometimes all that,that can cause more problems.i can try find a mutual family to talk to my family. i want to be positive
henna-red henna-red 5 years
The above comment is right, you can't make them do anything. The reverse is also true, they can't make you do anything you don't want to do. You know what you want, and you know it's going to be difficult if you persue it. I don't know it having your guy's parents attempt the contact will help if it's an issue of caste or of religion. Situations like this are never easy, and there is no one out here who knows your family better than you. Is there another in your family who could offer advise. I think what you want to hear is how do you get to have the marriage you want and not have unpleasantness with your family. If this marriage is really what you want, then you must talk to your parents, gently,and with respect, but you must also insist on respect from them. You are an adult, and you choose to not follow this custom and you know that it will make them unhappy, but you hope that your happiness in your choice and in your marriage will bring them happiness also. I've heard of how stubborn and insistent parents can be who believe in arranged marriages. And remeber, they had and arranged marriage and they want the best for you and they believe they know what the best is. Courage, and strength, and support from your fella and his family, from your friends, from your sisters, from everyone who will offer it. God Bless, good luck, and remember, joy takes strength, and some hard work.
bengalspice bengalspice 5 years
btw, as a side note ... my brother goes to school with the guy in the picture :-P
bengalspice bengalspice 5 years
I agree with testadura67 ... have his parents initiate the arrangement. If they really like you, they would do this for you so you and your boyfriend can be together.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
If you've been dating for 4 years, then your relationship is clearly solid. If he's financially stable and a good man, and his family is supportive of your marriage, what would make your family opposed to it? Is it simply the fact that you're in love? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar enough with the culture to know the details of how a marriage is arranged, but could he or his parents not instigate that arrangement? If your parents are unaware of your relationship until now, couldn't you still navigate the roads of an arranged marriage without your parents realizing you were doing the arranging? Or if that feels too deceptive, letting them know you're in love, but still allowing them to be involved in the process of the arrangement of the marriage that you've chosen. Or do the bride's parents typically seek the husband? Unless there is some particular reason not mentioned that your parents would object to the match, I think you should be fine. It sounds like you're just very scared about them rejecting him and being forced to choose. My suggestion would be to decide before you tell them what you will do if they object, stop seeing him or marry him anyway and risk harming your relationship with your family. One way or other, you have to tell them, and that is not a decision that should be made in the midst of unsettle emotions. I hope that's not a decision you'll have to put into action, but it's one you should be prepared for. Good luck, I think this will work out alright. The stakes are high, and you're scared, but with the support of the man you love and his family, I think you'll be ok.
imranqaiser imranqaiser 5 years
What I say is to plan out a best solution for this problem.. The main solution is you yourself, else what I know every religion says if the both individuals are willing to marry then there shouldn't be any objection to any one as both understand each other and so they got the right to marry. Else what I say that the understanding is more important as sometime we just get into love by the physical need only... So be careful and just if you know your partner shall understand and accept you along with all of your mistakes then go do make it happen... All the best... I shall pray for your love get complete.. Aamin.. Regards, Imran Qaiser
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
Start off with Baby steps. Perhaps you should confront your family about your secret romance with this guy first. If you see that drama is that big, and that you would rather please your family then you can decide for youself. Either was you have to take a risk. Why not find out sooner than later?
sleepingb sleepingb 5 years
i know and understand what you mean.whatever i do there is some risk.i yet am hoping that somehow something can happen that all will be well. i want my familly happy and i want him happy,im just stuck. i can try and make him close to my family and all but yet...
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
You can't really make your family accept him. In doing so, you would have to make them cast aside their own personal and religious values, which is impossible to do. Or at the very least, it's very very difficult to do, and would entail many years of hard work and struggling and fighting. All the advice I can really give is summed up in a question: what would you be more content in doing- pleasing your family and denying yourself love and happiness...OR marrying the man you love and spending the rest of your life happily ever after (hopefully). Either way, there will be some risk. Perhaps you go with your family, marry some random guy, end up miserable and wanting out. Or perhaps you marry the man of your dreams, of your own choosing, and still end up miserable. But only you know yourself better than anyone else, and can make the best decision for yourself.
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