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Family Disowned Me For Being Gay

Group Therapy: I Miss the Family That Disowned Me For Being Gay

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

This time of year is always really tough for me. Everyone is talking about their plans with their families, and yet mine wants nothing to do with me.

About five years ago I sat down with my family, and told them what I'd been terrified of telling them my whole life — they had a bisexual daughter. I told them all about the therapist I'd been seeing for months, and how the guilt over my sexuality had been eating me alive for years. They told me they'd have to pray to see how they felt about it. Eventually, they took a vote and disowned me. They also cut me off financially in the last semester of college, leaving me without a degree, a place to live, or a family.


Things are a lot better after five years. My career is going well, I'm married, and I just finished taking my last two classes to graduate. Most of the time, my heart is hardened, and I don't even think about them. But every Christmas, I am just eaten up with sadness at how much I miss them.

I'm so torn because they are such horrible people for the way they treated me. I know intellectually I was very much abused. I also know I've been the bigger person for years sending them letters, Christmas presents and reaching out to them. But this last year, I tried and was rebuffed so hard I realized it was just going to make me miserable. I try to concentrate on how much I've gained in five years and not on what I lost. But this time of year, I can't help but feel a sadness so fierce it feels like it will eat me alive.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
redchick152 redchick152 6 years
This why religious groups piss me off and I was even raised Catholic. I believe there is a God and honestly I don't think He/She/It cares if you are gay or bi. There are SO MANY other things that make you a person, not just your sexual preference. Plus, if you were God....don't you think you'd have bigger things to worry about that someone being gay??? I hate that your family treated you like this, Spacekat and I really have no advice other than focusing on the family you do have and the people who love you unconditionally. They are the ones that ultimately matter. I love reading your posts...they are always polite, intelligent, and interesting. exactly why i love posting so much. **sending you a big e-hug!**
Burkina Burkina 6 years
:( You are as good as everyone else. I see your comments around here and I think you're extremely intelligent. You don't have to answer this but have you met with your biological parents?
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
SKG when I read this post I thought of you immediately. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, you've mentioned your family a few times before and it is unfair and un-Christian for them to treat you so poorly. I am so happy for you that you have a solid marriage and you are a thoughtful, talented, and intelligent woman, with or without them. I'm glad you've decided to stop reaching out to them, though I know it's not an easy decision. If you feel yourself needing closure you may want to send them a letter telling them how you feel and why you won't be contacting them again. You have more important things in your life than worrying about something you can't change.
IdeaOfOrder IdeaOfOrder 6 years
I come from a conservative Christian family and my older sister is a lesbian. She oscillates between being bisexual or lesbian depending on how close to my parents she is.. I've asked her outright and explained that I love her regardless and she told me that she's a lesbian. She won't really admit this to anyone else in my family for fear of being ostracized. I just think that it's so wrong for her to have to live like that. She can't be true to herself because of what other people might think. Oftentimes, family relationships are just toxic and harmful. Yes, blood is thicker than water but that doesn't make all relationships worth it.. rosy retrospection sometimes makes us look back fondly on people/events that weren't that great to begin with.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
I can't believe they literally voted you out of the family. What about the family members who voted not to disown you? Do they have to participate in the shunning? How terrible. I think it's natural to crave acceptance where people have felt rejection. That said, it's not healthy. I second the comments above who recommend making new traditions with your new family. It's okay to be sad, but don't ignore the blessings in front of you.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
Aw I'm so sorry. Like Studio16 said do you spend the holidays with your in-laws? You should start new traditions with your husband. I also think its time you stopped reaching out to your family. You did nothing wrong they are the ones with the problem. Maybe one day you will no longer be on the outs with them but I wouldn't wait for that day or hold out hope. Its time to move on and I truly wish you the best.
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 6 years
IMHO I don't think a family should disown someone because they are gay. Also, check your motives as to why you keep sending letters, gifts, etc. Is it because you are trying to be the bigger person or because deep down you are still seeking their acceptance? A person can only be snubbed so many times! Eventually, just turn the other cheek and walk away. It's hard to do, especially when they are your loved ones & you care for them. If they want to refurbish the relationship, let them come to you.
gingirl gingirl 6 years
I very much know what it's like to be missing people at Christmas, who you're pretty sure aren't missing you in any way. But you hope for it anyway. It hurts, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. But you have emerged the bigger person, you've finished college, you have a career, and you're married; these are all things to be so proud of and will make your future so bright! You've chosen a great path for yourself and only good things lie ahead. Your former family aren't worth the heartache, they have done no right by you and do not sound like good people who are worthy of your love. Your family is who you make it to be, not just who you're born into. You have your own little family now with your marriage, one made of love! I stopped reaching out after last Christmas, and honestly I'm better for it . I hope you have a happy Christmas, surrounded by people who actually love and care for you and want you to be happy. Merry Christmas
Studio16 Studio16 6 years
You say you're married...why not try reaching out to your in-laws? Think about it: Do you really want to be a part of a family that doesn't want you? My family is one of the most dysfunctional families I've ever known, and we haven't even disowned the cousin who repeatedly finds himself in jail. I can't fathom how a family could give up one of its own for her sexuality. Ridiculous. Maybe this is a little callous, but I would stop trying to reach out to them. You're better off without 'em. Merry Christmas, honey.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
Not every relationship can or should be fixed. Don't give your abusers another shot at hurting you. You miss what you WISH you had, not what you actually had. The holidays give lots of people the blues. Start some new traditions with your husband. Looking at holiday lights, a holiday movie with friends, picking your favorite moments of the past year, etc. Life is all about choices. Yur "family" made theirs clear. Choose YOU. Choose to move forward in a positive way. Good things ahead :cheers: Lif
pureperfection pureperfection 6 years
oh dear hon, i may not have experienced this personally, but i know how difficult you must feel... its definitely hard, and no matter what we say, its not gonna make much difference cos we are not there right now. but all i want you to know is, you are definitely treasured by the people around you who DO LOVE You. and there are many people who care. its hard to not think of your family, definitely. but rem, you have a new family right now, your spouse :) spend more time with him/her. you cannot change what has happened, but you can definitely make your future sweeter. and look, i am really very very proud of your achievements despite not having assistance from your family. so live life to the fullest, dont let yourself down and how far youve come. :) santa will know if you've been a good girl, or not. so merry xmas and a happy new year. :D
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
:( :hug: I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. The good thing about family is, it's not made always by whom you're born into, you always meet and make new family as you nurture your relationships with others. Try to focus on the positives in your life, I hope that your family will wake up one day and realize how much they've made a mistake by cutting off a wonderful, accomplished daughter such as you. Have a happy Holidays. :)
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