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Family Not Supportive of Baby on the Way

Group Therapy: Family Not Supportive of Baby on the Way

This question is an excerpt from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My family is being completely unsupportive. Mind you, I am 30 years old and engaged to be married to a great guy (that they all LOVE). My grandmother and mother are so upset that I am pregnant and not married, that my grandmother has basically called me a slut and told me if we don't marry before baby, the baby will be considered a bastard. I'm so hurt and upset about all of this, and don't understand how they can't be this inconsiderate. They are also mad that we didn't tell them when I first found out I was pregnant, like we were lying to them (we waited until I was 12 weeks to tell anyone, to make sure I didn't have a miscarriage).

I just don't even want to talk to them, and can't believe this is happening.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CLOSE WITH MY FAMILY, and this just dumbfounds me, considering I have cousins, etc that have children out of wedlock and though they were not happy about it, they did support them. I feel like I'm in a better position financially, professionally, and relationship wise than my 18-year-old cousin was. What do I do? I'm at the point that I just want to cut them out of my life. HELP!!!

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
You need to wipe away those tears. Get tough because you need to for yourself and the sake of your child. Shake off the drama with your family a little. Be happy for this beautiful baby you're going to create. Pick up yourself up, let the answering machine turn on for a couple of weeks for Mom and Grandma. Call some friends to shop for some great maternity clothing. Think about the baby's room and look at baby stuff on line. Take your fiance shopping and talk with him alone about a great room for the child. Set some appointments for prenatal care classes. Focus on you. Have a lunch, a dinner. Pig out. The more you focus on the good things ahead, and get out, the better you'll be. This is called, Its my life, and I'll do what I want to. I find it hard to believe that your insurance would drop if you get married. If his insurance doesn't cover it, what is that saying? Insurance companies should be wiped off the face of the planet. Anyway, I would get that in writing and send it your State Insurance Commissioner's office. When you ask for it in writing, I would mention it to the representative on the phone as well. Sounds like it should be illegal. How does that work anyway, one of your co-workers gets pregnant after marriage, she's covered, but you're dropped? Even though you work there? Huh? Anyway if that's true then I'm sorry about that situation. By the way, I had a baby, no problems, no complications. Went home the next day. Insurance didn't have to pay a dime. The doctor did hardly anything, the nurse checked on me. Whatever. Insurance companies pay more for cancer, disease, or gall bladder removal than for a birth. Its ridiculous.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
Personally, I really do not think that you should allow your family members to basically bully you into marriage. That is not ok, it is a choice that you should and your partner should be making when the 2 of you are ready. I 100% agree with lickety split!!! Now is the time to set up important boundaries. Tell them both that you do not want any more emails from either of them and as long as they continue to make you feel terrible for a life event which YOU are happy about, you will not talk to them. Put their emails into your delete box for now and tell them that you are doing this. Do not answer their phone calls. You need to be assertive, sit them down, tell them that you are happy and that their negative attitude is UNACCEPTABLE to you. Then tell them that when they are ready to positively support your life decisions and stop making you feel bad about yourself, then you will be ready to accept them back into your life. You have control over this situation, if they are making you feel bad, then put your foot down. You deserve to be happy right now and don't talk to them right now if they cannot support you. Make it clear to both of them that you will not accept this anymore. Tell them that you would not accept this behaviour from a stranger, and that you will not accept it from them. Give them guilt trips, tell them that they have made the beginning of your pregnancy an unhappy time and that you are shocked and appalled and their lack of support and tired of it. In life, you teach people how they need to treat you. Unfortunately if you allow people to treat you badly, they will continue to do so. So stop allowing it. When they realize how much they miss you, they will come around. Be strong and take time out to enjoy this time in your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy and engagement. Hugs. :)
talanted08 talanted08 6 years
Once I read most of every one's comments, I mean what is there to say!! Sounds like everyone is giving you great advice on how to handle your family but what is it about marriage!??! I've been with my man for 7yrs. and I've heard thing's of this nature my self but I inform my parents that it's me starting my own family, not them! What can they do if I don't get married?? Nothing but hate/dislike the situation more or less but I'm going to have to handle thing's on my own two feet! That's the main reason you moved out, got engaged and now having a baby so you can enjoy your own family! Ignoring them completely may help for a while but once the baby comes along... what then! I'm sure there tone will change but I really think all of this is out of Love for there daughter! You know older couples don't want you to struggle or go through complications like they have but what happen in the past is what happen! Stay strong and congrats on the new baby!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
WOW. Your company wants to drop you off your insurance if you get married? Read up with your insurance policy, are you certain? What if you actually got married with him first then get pregnant while having this awesome job? That's a lose-lose situation for you too, you guys can not have kids just because of your job and the insurance situation! Before I quit my job and do freelancing, while still married to my husband, I have my own insurance separate from my husband. And they don't drop me just because I got married. Plus it'll be insane amount of payment if I were on my husband's insurance. I ended up using my own insurance to cover my pregnancy-birth bills, but no one in my company threatened to quit my insurance just b/c. What type of work are you in?
sarah-lynn sarah-lynn 6 years
Give them space. Screen your calls, send their emails to a folder to be read (or not) later. Ultimately, your baby and your nuptials are between you and your husband-to-be, and you should be nothing but happy and excited and proud about it! (and I wouldn't rush and push up the wedding either - it's your day, it's your baby, do it how YOU want to and if they don't like don't show up!) Your friends and (hopefully!) the remainder of your family will be so excited for you guys - it's a shame that mom and grandma will be in the handful who didn't love this child from the start. It'll be difficult emotionally, but I think they'll come around when they realize their behavior is pushing you and your new family away.
imLissy imLissy 6 years
what's done is done. What exactly do they expect you to do about it now?
CHOOCHOO CHOOCHOO 6 years
I think dexaholic said everything I was thinking. Another thought is that you aren't kowtowing to their disappointment, and they don't know what to do. The normal procedure for situations like this is they tell you how horrible this is, you take it because you need their support and then they pat you on the head and forgive you once they hold the little bundle. It is horrible that they are being so two-faced about it, though. My words to them, and these are just things I fantasize about saying if I were in your shoes, would be 'get it all out now, because if you continue in this vein when our precious child is born, you won't be seeing him or her much.' You aren't building a bomb or creating a disease, for goodness sake. In the grand scheme of things, a bastard baby (lovely) isn't such a big deal, as long as both parents are there to support it.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I'm very sorry. I try to understand their position, but I just can't. When my brother's wife got pregnant we weren't happy about it, but we did support them and helped them financially. Your situation is way different , and I just can't believe they aren't being supportive of you. Because of your situation, I will recommend to talk to your mother and try to ask her why she is not happy about it. Tell her how you feel and have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. If a conversation doesn't work, I will recommend to give them time and focus on yourself, fiance and your future baby.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I know how to 'appease' them some. Get your marriage license now at the courthouse, get a minister to marry you guys there, scan the marriage license send them via e-mail and let them know you two are indeed married so they can't argue with you that your kid is a 'bastard.' They sound so much like my family members. It may not be an ideal situation for you but when you think about it, you guys will be married just minus the party, unless you guys want to throw a big party right now or something. Good luck to you.
dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 6 years
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Maybe, with a mediator (another family member, perhaps?) you could sit down with some of your family for a discussion so you can voice your opinion. The rules could be, 'no one is allowed to say anything negative' and to use 'i' statements...etc. It's not fair for you to be feeling so upset during a time that should be so happy, and I sincerely hope you and your family will be able to make amends.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
Meh. Who cares what Grandma thinks? You'll never change her mind, she's old and old people are stubborn. Of course, it's likely that she's influencing your mother against you... but don't you worry. Mom will come around when the baby is born. You'll be amazed at the change in people when there's a little person toddling about. And you can look forward to extracting a HUGE apology from Mom too!
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
Maybe they are so upset because they expected better of you. It sounds bad, but being engaged, being success in your career - maybe the shock of you not being perfect has thrown them for a little loop. Maybe they accept this from your 18-year-old cousin because she 'doesn't know any better', but they think you should. Give them time and don't give up on them! They love you, you love them, you'll all work it out and this beautiful little baby of yours will be spoiled rotten, as all babies should be!
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
This has to do with them wanting THEIR life to unfold in a certain way, and nothing to do with them wanting what's best for you. This is such a special time for you; upcoming marriage, baby on the way. Why let anyone spoil it? Set your phone to voice mail and when you CHOSE to speak with your family advise them tha you won't go down "negative lane" with them. Tell them you are thrilled with YOUR life and the choices you have made and if they aren't: OKAY. That's their problem not yours. You're all grown up now. You get to set limits and goals and tell people to back off when they don't honor them. Draw your line in the sand and get back to enjoying your life. They will come around.
irishmary24 irishmary24 6 years
You will just have to understand the mindset of people of a certain age. That's how everyone was treated in the 50 & 60's for unmarried pregnancy. They're worried about the social stigma from people who think like they do. If they supported the cousins, they will eventually come around for you. Don't accept negative conversation, though. If a phone conversation turns into a trashing judgemental diatribe, just say you'll call back when the conversation is less negative. Choose Not to let people hurt you. One event will change the whole thing-- the arrival of that sweet grandbaby!!! Hang in!!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Give them time to get over being upset. One or two might hold out for a while, but, if you're humble and acknowledge that what you did violates their sense of morals and propriety (even though you know you didn't do anything against your OWN standards) most family members will get over the hurdle pretty quickly. Do not make this into a family feud or cut anyone out of your life just because they didn't react well. You're going to be a mom, so you might as well start practicing forgiveness. (Stubborn three year olds can be a lot more exasperating than stubborn grannies at times!) And you are going to need your family, so do your best to be non confrontational on your end. Of course, it isn't worth stressing yourself or the baby. So feel free to remove yourself from any situation that has you feeling judged or made out to be a "scarlet woman." Just get up and say you're not feeling well and go elsewhere, or if you're on the phone tell them you'll call them back later.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I'm so sorry, honey. Congratulations to the upcoming nuptials and the baby. I understand what you're going through. Oh I came from a very strict/traditional family and those who have babies out of wedlock would be considered 'slutty' or 'loose'. Although they won't be rude outwardly, behind your back, you'll be the source of gossip, well into your senior years. Unfortunately, you can't change your parents or grandparents on how they view this. They're products of their rigid and conservative way of life/thinking and it's hard to change or ask them to bend their pov. BUT. Believe it or not, they WILL support you in the end. They WILL love your baby very much and won't stop loving you. But right now, instead of thinking of you and the upcoming baby, they're wallowing in their 'disappointment' because you're not living up to their 'moral' standard. (But remember that you have EVERYTHING TO BE PROUD OF). If you think you will be stressed out throughout your pregnancy due to their negativity, then, by all means, you need to seek out other source for comfort. Your friends whom you consider very close will be a good place to go, right now. OR, your fiancee's family if they're more open-minded. They will come around and reach out to you later, and it'll be up to you to forgive them for their negativity when that time arrives. Good luck.
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