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Feeling Disconnected in Relationship

"Is It Normal to Feel Disconnected When You Live Together?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now and this past month, we saw each other a lot more frequently (i.e. every day) since my parents weren't in town. Essentially, we were pretty much living together for that month. We would see each other after classes, go out to eat together, make dinner, etc. I feel that from this past month, I can sense that he is not as affectionate to me as we used to be — after sex, we would just go to sleep and not really cuddle). Little things he does are starting to bother me too, like laziness. It's nothing major, but I guess it's something you really see with time.

Is it normal to feel like you're a little more disconnected when you're living together vs. not? It's only temporary, so I'm not sure if this is a sign of things in our future if we were to get married?

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sophiie99 sophiie99 5 years
This is a tricky issue as I am sure you want to approach your boyfriend about it, but in doing so it will push him away.  I have been with my boyfriend for three years and moved in with him about 6 months into our relationship.  What I think you need to understand is that when you begin to live with your partner and see them everyday, we naturally take them for granted - not in a horrible way, we just don't focus so much on them.  I love living with my boyfriend, but there are times where I feel like you do.  I know this is not personal, as everyday life needs to be taken into account.  I notice that it tends to be when he has a lot of stress in his life, or he is down and what exaggerates this even more is if you question him about feeling unappreciated.  I have learned from experience that the best thing you can do with a boyfriend, when you don't feel appreciated or he isn't giving you the love and support you desire, is to not say anything (unless this are really bad and you feel very unhappy, then of course talk to him!).  When I feel like this, I like to show my boyfriend exactly what he fell in love with, by being laid back, fun, caring, loving, interesting, supportive and also having my independence. The problem I hear of most in relationships, is girls struggle to find the right way to communicate with their boyfriends and get far too emotional.  I used to be a classic example of this!  This will push your boyfriend away and he will continue to not be affectionate.  Perhaps, I am getting into this a bit too deep, but I feel that I have been in a similar situation and worse, when in fact it doesn't need to be like this.  It isn't always easy to live with the person you love sometimes, but once things fall into place, it is so awesome!  You have only lived together for a month, give it time.  If you guys love each other and enjoy each others company, it will work out! Good luck!
matoad matoad 5 years
I think it's very normal to go through that phase when you start living together, but ideally that's not how it'll stay - When you're suddenly together so much more, issues will become more visible. That's a good thing, but it's also the time to talk about and resolve those issues, even the small ones (laziness and how to deal with it, him maybe needing some time to adjust to the change, the reasons for that, etc). Once you've gotten through those and understand each other's headspace and how to live with it nicely, I predict the distance should dissolve again (unless of course you guys don't suit each other -  that's not how it sounds to me right now, but obviously you have to find that out). Hope you get to (more or less :) ) enjoy the transition!
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Yes, it's normal to feel a little disconnected when you're living together. It's harder to appreciate that person when you're around them so often. That's why it's good to have some time apart. Go spend time with other people, do things without each other, and then meet up later. That way you get to miss the other person, and await meeting up with them again. Also, when you live with your bf, you get kinda stuck in a rut. Routine can feel boring and stifling. You wake up, cuddle, clean, eat, cuddle, talk, watch tv, sex, sleep, repeat. It's repetive, which can get frustrating. So shake things up a bit. Set aside one day a week that you guys do something interesting. Maybe go play a game outside, or do a new activity together. Go on a date. Just do something fun and exciting.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
love life and romance will ebb and flow, wax and wane, throughout the course of a long-term relationship. The important thing is not to take it personally and blow things out of proportion. We all have little things that are obnoxious to a roommate/significant other and it's all just a part of normal relationship growth to get used to those idiosyncratic traits. If you need cuddle time after sex, tell him. Let him know that you'd like a half hour of cuddling after sex before you guys go to sleep, for example. Be unambiguous. He's not going to magically figure out that you're upset about something unless you tell him what's going on inside your head.
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