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Feeling Lonely After a Breakup

"I'm Feeling Lonely After My Breakup"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So, I broke up with my boyfriend of six years about four months ago. I thought I was going to marry this guy, the breakup was really hard on me, not unexpected though. I think I've moved on pretty well, started working out more, going out with friends more, spending more time with my family, entered some new courses, working on my masters degree, etc etc, I'm keeping myself busy all the time. Also, the ex texts me every once in a while and we went out once, about two weeks ago, nothing happened. I feel pretty satisfied and happy with my life most of the time, I try to think of this breakup as a new opportunity to do stuff that I've never done before and change my life. I'm not depressed at all, I am very positive and happy. I don't know if I'd go back to that relationship, I think my love for my ex bf died already, and things don't seem to be heading that way anyways. To sum up, I'm happy . . . most of the time . . .

The thing is, some days I feel really blue and lonely, no matter how busy or distracted I am. I start thinking about the fact that I lost the guy that I thought was the love of my life and my best friend. I don't feel sad about him, I feel sad about the fact that I don't know if I'll ever find something like that again. I loved him, and we had an amazing relationship up to some point where it all crashed, because he said he needed time alone. I start thinking if I'll have that kind of deep relationship again in my life. I'm 26 going in 27 in a month, and I don't feel like it's so easy at this age to meet someone and be friends for a couple years and then start a successful relationship like before. So basically, I end up feeling I'll be forever alone. This happens about once a week, and no matter what I do, I can't get over it for like a day. For instance, today I woke up feeling like that after having an amazing day yesterday, for no reason at all, and spent all day like that. 


Also, I was talking to a friend of mine one of these days. He is a great guy and I've always had a crush on him, a harmless crush because we were both in relationships. He just broke up too, and I started suggesting that maybe we should go out more now that we're both single, and trying for him to understand that I liked him. I don't want a relationship, I just want like a friends with benefits situation. But he said some things that made me think like I am in his "friend zone" already. I felt kind of rejected, and that felt bad, so this just made my situation worse . . . So, what to do? I want to be positive and happy all of the time. Thank you all for your advice

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missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
You have done so well with this breakup and are doing everything anyone here would tell you to do to feel better. Despite all that, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. It's ok. Keep doing what you're doing, and remember that when something is meant to be it will be. I know lots of people who have started over at a much older age and have found happiness and love again. When someone is meant to be placed in your path, he will be there when you least expect it. I'm a strong believer in fate/destiny and everything in your life will come together exactly as it's meant to. Just sit back and enjoy the ride :)
bluejay17 bluejay17 5 years
Best of luck to you too Mariadn. If you're thinking of breaking up with your boyfriend, think about all the good things that you deserve. Don't stay with him just for fear of being lonely, I did it for months and it didn't work.There's no point in being in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you. Good luck, and thanks for your advice. I hope my post helped you!
Mariadn Mariadn 5 years
Sorry, I meant of course: Best of luck to you :)
Mariadn Mariadn 5 years
Hi there,   I can so relate to your story, except for the fact that I have not broken up with my boyfriend. I have been together with him for 7 years and lately I have been thinking about breaking up with him. I have not done it yet because I actually believe that he is the love of my life and that scares me. I think I would have exactly the same feelings as you do right now if I actually broke up with him. It is hard to acknowledge that sometimes love is not enough. I can easily relate to the feeling that you will never find something like that again, but I think most can. That is always one of the big worries when you come out of a relationship - will I ever fall in love again? I am 25 years old, so I can also relate to the fact, that you probably feel that you are in a hurry bacause you want to be with a man for a while before you get married and have children. The point is you broke up with him for a reason. You were in a relationship that did not make you happy. It is uncertain if you will fall in love like that again, but what difference does it make? Would you go back to him if you knew that for certain? Maybe, maybe not, but it is stupid just to settle because you are afraid of the future. And also, it really sounds like that you have handled this break-up pretty well. There will always be ups and downs in the beginning and that is completely normal - you spent six years with him. Sometimes I think it can be comforting to think of all the single men and ladies in their twenties that are doing completely fine. Take a look at some of the gorgous hollywood girls who are single but (seem) happy. Most importantly, you should be happy on your own before you go into a new relationship. Do not speculate too much. If it is meant to happen, it will happen. Do not wait for it to happen. Go out and enjoy life on your own. And btw. I have days where I feel lonely even though I am in a relationship. You cannot always be happy. Hope this helps a little. Sorry if my english is bad, I am from Denmark. Best og luch to you.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Blujay, you obviously have a lot to offer, and just the fact that you've shared this piece of your life with us, your response to your breakup, and the honesty of your going to help someone else. It helps me to come here and contribute, so you've already helped's all a round robin of connection. It's the best way I know of learning....hands on participation in life, our own and others.
bluejay17 bluejay17 5 years
Hello, and thank you both for your advice, it's been really helpful! Henna, I'm definitely taking your advice on helping other people, I don't know why I never thought of that before. Bubbles, the breakup was very hard on me, although it wasn't unexpected. I was prepared for it, because I had seen my bf behaving very differently for months before, and also, we had conversations where he told me what he felt, and that he needed time to be alone and all those things men say to make you feel like it's not you. So, when we finally decided to break up I was prepared, in a way, I started grieving months before, to put it this way. There was no explanation back then, I don't know and neither does he. But I got tired of asking for it, and I was ok with ending things. This group has really helped me, reading other people's posts and comments made me realize that I'm the only one responsible for my healing and that it is an active process. I've made mistakes, of course, but I feel very positive and proud about the whole process so far. I think about him every now and then but there's nothing I can do about it. It just ended. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything (Fight Club line). So, I've enjoyed my singlehood very much so far. It was a long time being part of a couple. I'm happy single, and that's why it bothers me to feel sad about the future and the possibilities of finding someone else. I don't want to feel that way, I want to wait for another guy that's worth it. But you are both right, I have to embrace my feelings and give myself the chance to feel the blues sometimes. After all, it's only been four months.. Thank you both for your advice and kind words, you have really helped me.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
I just read Henna's response. Interesting we both caught the same thing. What I came back to say though was I am really impressed with the way you're handling your life in the aftermath. Role model approach. That kind of fullness is what attracts a great guy. You've got a great deal to offer him. And all the other people in your life now.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Hey don't even bother with the burden of being "happy all the time". The only people who get that status are drug addicts and dying people seeing heavenly visions. Even Buddha started his texts with the affirmation "Life is difficult" and Mother Theresa was depressed quite a bit. Don't be afraid of the dark side! Chasing away the blues is one thing, denial about a deep loss will create more problems. Scary feelings will keep you from making mistakes actually. Like pretending you didn't really care about Back-Up Guy that much and wanted to be FWB. I can't believe that's true, and instead you were just lowering the investment so he'd be more likely to bite. That approach in itself might have been a turn-off to him. Do not sell yourself short. Now or ever. I'm wondering why you're not grieving more over losing the six-year guy. After reading the first line I expected a lot of deserved ranting. That was huge and he couldn't or wouldn't even explain what happened -- that is lame. It's true sometimes people just lose interest, but he owes you a better send off than that sentence after six years. Although I'd wait for another five years before asking for a better explanation. he may not even get himself right now. But if he feels it, be glad he left you now and not after the wedding, kids and shared bills. And he's a little worrisome. Sounds like he's sniffing around. Maybe a little lonely, maybe with some regrets. Maybe even interested in reconciling. Be careful with him. Have strong boundaries and make him prove himself in heroic ways if he does say he wants you back. Like counseling. Here's a warning: I have a co-worker who left his long term gf, pursued the woman he thought was his soulmate, got rejected by the soulmate, went back to his ex-gf and insisted and lied that she was the one he really wanted (he told me he knew she for sure loved him and he thought he'd never be loved or in love again), married her, and regretted every single day of their marriage and could hardly get himself to have sex with her. And that poor woman invested a lot of $$ and heart in ways to make him attracted to her. What a mess. Desperate people do desperate things. Loneliness is a best desperation factory. So be careful and stay in touch with those feelings as they are loaded with info. My co-worker's wife questioned him constantly about his intentions before they got married, she should have listened to her doubts instead of his words. OK, now that we've agreed it's ok to be pissed off, sad and mopey when a major life catastrophe happens like this, if you need it, go feel like heck as long as you do. Trust in your naturally positive self to rebound in its own course. Trust, trust, trust your dear inner self, she will take care of you. As for another man, there will be others. Just hold out for the one that makes your heart sing again, not just the guy who looks good on paper or who will simply be with you.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
hhhmmmm, positive and happy all of the time. Is anyone? You're human darlin', like the rest of us. We have a huge range of emotions and life experiences that engage those emotions. And it's the sad that makes the happy so sweet. It's the contrast, the balance.....if we never felt sad, or experienced pain, we wouldn't appreciate the gift of joy. I'm a pretty happy, positive person. But life can be hard, and there are situations that drag me down and overwhelm me. I have wonderful friends, a lot of them, but can still feel absolutely alone in some of the things I have to face. But if I'm alone in those challenges, it's really because I choose to be alone, and sometimes because there are some things I'm not sure how to ask for help with. But telling someone how I'm feeling.....helps. Sharing the burden, removes some of the burden. So first, I would say, feel your emotions. Honor them, as bubbles says. They are teaching you something about yourself. Second, I would say, reach out to a friend, when you're feeling afraid. Share your fear, and let your friend comfort you. Let your friend tell you that a wonderful woman like you will find love. But that it takes time to heal a wound, and it takes energy and effort to heal a would, and the healing can make you tired....and tired can leach all of that wonderful energy that feeds your happy. Third, I would say that one of the best things I've found to lift my spirits, is to do something for someone else. Donate time to a soup kitchen or a senior friend or family member or even a stranger, with some housework or gardening....shovel people and their cars out of the snow......give something or yourself to someone else. One of the best ways to know and feel just how much we have is to share what we are and what we have with someone who is in need....potlatch....the give takes you out of yourself and reminds you that you are not alone in the world, that you are connected to everyone and everything around you. And girl, don't take so personaly that your friend isn't ready to date you, and may never be. You're still feeling vulnerable from the loss of your relationship, and from the way you lost it. Dating is about finding whom we're compatible with, and whom we're not. He's not ready to date, or just not wanting to redefine something that he's already comfortable with....don't stress it. Just know, for whatever the reason, what you're looking for is going to come from a different direction, and that's ok. It's not personal, it's just life. take good care happy girl :) You're doing so many great things for yourself, keep doing them, and let your sad underline your happy.
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