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No Flame in Relationship

Group Therapy: My BF Loves Me, but Isn't Crazy About Me

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So yes, that is how it goes.

He really loves me. And when we're together, it's great. But there is no burning flame. There is just this calm, steady thing.

I know he loves me. And I know our relationship is something mature and is working very well.

But I also know that there was some kind of this flame between him and his ex's.

What should I do? It is not like we have been together for many years. It has been only six months. And the flame. . .well . . . there have never been such flames. Yes, there have been longings and missing and etc . . . but no craziness.



And I AM crazy about him.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
Sherrilee Sherrilee 5 years
I am older now in my marriage and I cherish stability. The flame was there when we first were together. that was the case in most of my previous relationships that didn,t work.
Quriosity Quriosity 5 years
If you mean "flame" as in dramatic behavior, e.i. love/hate fight and make up, can't keep your hands off each other, jealousy, etc. etc, then no, that is not exactly what you should wish for in a relationship constantly. But if you mean "flame" as in there is not much excitement, passion from his part about this relationship then I'm wondering if you're asking this because you feel like the love your boyfriend has towards you is more of a bestest friend, easy going, calm and steady kind of love, compare to your love that you'd really feel for a lover? If that's the case then I think surprises, being spontaneous, and spend some quality time to explore more (or re-explore) about each other could help. Maybe it's doing something sexy, something fun, something adventurous, but it has to be something that would give him a spark, and make him think "she is not just any other girl, she's special". Try to find something that would ignite it! After all, sailing in a too calm, too steady sea could get a little boring ;) Hope this helps!
pink-elephant pink-elephant 5 years
It's not really allll about "the flame", sure it's nice, but to have a really solid and stable relationship-you need a balance of intimacy, commitment and passion. A researcher named Steinberg wrote that a relationship is like a triangle, consisting of all three components, yet he also wrote that each component of this triangle may ebb and flow in a relationship at any time. In other words, you may feel more passionate one day, and more intimate the next. Usually, passion or, the flame, is the feeling present at the beginning of any relationship, when you can't stop thinking of your love every minute and they literally have no flaws. But that feeling alone is not strong enough to sustain a long-term relationship, you need others like commitment and intimacy to back it up. Just like passion cannot support a relationship alone, neither can either one of the other components support it by itself. Don't worry about your relationship now, and don't compare your new relationship with his old relationship with his ex's...there's a reason they're not together and it just may be that they didn't have what it took in all the other departments to support a mature and loving relationship (like you?) Don't worry, your flame will spark soon! :P
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
I think as we get older and have been in a few different relationships, we gain perspective about what we want and what we need from relationships. This steadiness you see in him is probably just maturity from having been through a few relationships where he gave too much, expected too much, etc. Now he knows himself better and can be a better partner to you. If you know he loves you, then what's the problem? The excitement and craziness of new love can be fun, but it only lasts so long. Having a solid guy who loves you is definitely more important in the long run.
radiantdreamer66 radiantdreamer66 5 years
I'm in a similar situation. I've been dating someone for just over a year and its great. He loves me. We talk about getting married one day. Everything works well. But there is no flame, no craziness. I'm not looking for obsessive or insecure. I just want crazy like glowing to see me, or more excitable or thoughtful. I know there is a lot of stress right now in his life, but I just wish that he wasn't always distracted. It's not that our relationship is bad at all. I just always envisioned more romance or giddiness. Which is maybe just my expectations being too high. I don't know the answer to what to do. I've made my concerns known to him. Past that, I'm at the point where I have to accept that i have it good, i can't make him have the crazy passionate flame, no matter how excited i am to see him or how much i think about him. I know that what we have works and is mature and loving. I wish I had a better answer.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
The brighter the flame, the faster the burn. So don't be so offended and hurt that he isn't "crazy" about you. I don't know how you view craziness, but I'm viewing it like this: jealousy, clingy behavior, wanting to be around each other ALL the time, no personal space, little freedom to do your own thing, wanting to know every single little thing about the other person (down to what they ate for breakfast), etc. Crazy is like "If you leave, I'll just die." Why would you want that kind of pressure and...well, craziness in your life? Enjoy the calm, steady thing. It's nice.
zenliton zenliton 5 years
well... i don't see a lack of flame exactly as a negative thing. Usually people who are more matured, considerate and loving (basically good bf, husband material) are those who don't express themselves to be crazy in love. It is usual for people to have more "flame" in their relationships when they are younger. And I see it as a positive thing to have a steady, nice relationship, with no drama. For two people to just quietly enjoy each other's company. Well i wouldn't worry about it if i were you ;p
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
Your relationship is new. Give it time. It should be all sugar and spice and everything nice right now anyway.
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