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Forgiving a Cheater

Group Therapy: Forgiving a Cheater

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I dated this guy for about seven months. I always compared myself to his ex girlfriend but he assured me he was completely over her. They met online and dated for a while but hardly go to see each other. I became friends with the ex over
Facebook and behind my back she tried to get back with him only a few months into our relationship. He told her no and cut all contact with her for months.

Then at the start of summer she moved back and the first day of summer break he stayed the night with her. I told him I thought I was pregnant. And he told me he had had sex with her and she was pregnant too. I was heartbroken especially after he told me he wouldn't leave a girl pregnant alone, yet left me. He dated her for about a month but kept calling her by my name and things quickly went downhill. She moved away and school resumed, and for the past four months he has been desperate to get me back.


He cut all contact with her. Later I found out he lied about having sex with her. That I was the only girl he's ever slept with. But after the lies and cheating I feel like I'm second for him. Even though he chose me, apologized, and has been open and honest with everything since, including telling her he loved me and didn't want or need her I still feel unimportant to him. How do I get past this and move on with our relationship? (The cheating also occurred when he was high after a boy called him saying I cheated on him with another guy and texted him a Photoshopped pic of me kissing another guy.)

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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BriannaLovesKaty BriannaLovesKaty 6 years
Fair enough Holly..
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 6 years
So you find the fact that she she said sorry to you before disagreeing with you to be disrespectful? If you're going to be that hypersensitive about criticism why throw yourself into the fray at all?? You in #34: "i find that very disrespectful. its seems like she's discarding my opinion as if it's wrong. " Also you in #7: "don't listen to these people!" Yet again: hypocrisy. You are perfectly entitled to disagree with anyone here but stop pretending you speak for anyone other than yourself. You don't have a right to tell anyone here what comments are or are not appreciated, or if and when someone should say nothing at all, particularly those of us who have outgrown giving advice in Disney-inspired preteen bumper sticker lingo. Frankly I appreciated the comments about "growing up" because I thought they were spot on and an important point to be considered... but that's just me. And I'm pretty sure people based the comments about maturity on little things like the clearly evident actions and decisions and thought patterns. But again, just me. And to say so is not discrimination, it's simply having a different take then you. Oh well.
lexib1994 lexib1994 6 years
no, i don't find it hypocritical at all because when i stated my opinion and she reply's with "sorry lexi." i find that very disrespectful. its seems like she's discarding my opinion as if it's wrong. i never said that her opinion is wrong but it's rude. and no one knows the real story behind this all so writing him off completely is not right either. i'm not disagreeing with what she had to say, but it was kind of harsh and mean- but that's just me. and the comments about "growing up" isn't appreciated for anyone. people mature at different ages and whose to say this girl isn't mature? she's going through a tough time in her life and i'm sure she can without discrimination and what not.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 6 years
Holly said absolutely nothing mean, Lexi. And I'd wager she put a lot more careful thought into her responses to the OP then you did. There is a huge difference between kindness and enabling that you haven't learned yet. I assume from your screen names that you and the OP are around 16. All I can say is if your lucky in time you'll grow out of the knee-jerk "this doesn't feel good therefore it must be horrible" reaction. This isn't a support group where we blindly pat people on the heads for their destructive decisions (or spout out only "nice, encouraging, or helpful" platitudes in the face of said decisions), it's a forum for people to get honest advice (which they themselves choose to seek out), whether or not they choose to take it. We disagree with each other regularly, but when that happens it's pretty rare to see anyone take the self-righteous attitude you've taken i.e. I don't like the manner or content of what you're saying so I've decided you should say nothing at all. Considering the baseless complaints you're leveling at Holly doesn't that seem just a little bit hypocritical?
lexib1994 lexib1994 6 years
i don't understand why you, hollyjrocknroll, keep calling everyone out. she is going to what she wants to do and she comes here for insurance and support. we don't need to be bringing her down even more then she already is. and you are in no place to say such mean stuff, i mean honestly. is that the only reason you are on here? to yell at people and think you're way is the ONLY way? you may be right in some areas but do you have to be soo mean about it? it's almost like you're rubbing it in her face... SO... SORRY hollyjrocknroll, if you have nothing nice, encouraging, or helpful to say then say nothing at all.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Sorry BabyGurl. I'm sure no one is really trying to hurt your feelings. As someone who has a younger cousin (16) who is always calling with very dramatic, somewhat disturbing, relationship/boy problems, it becomes frustrating to be the listener. You want to be supportive and help but its like the person with the problem does not think about the listener. Seriously, I hope ALL POSTERS read this: when you tell this sort of stories, what do you expect listeners to think or feel? Are you coming because you just need comfort or do you really want REAL advice, because when you're an outsider you are more than likely going to see the situation very black and white. OP-You have someone in your life that has done horrible things, so of course we are going to tell you to get rid of him. You never said your age, but we can conclude from some of the things you said (like about school etc) that you are more than likely young. I think many of us here are older than 21, and we have made mistakes in our younger years and it pains us when we see people ruining the time in their life when they truly can go anywhere and do anything. I'm 27, and I WISH I had not abused my teenage years by surrounding myself with negative, dramatic people. I could have focused on so much more positive things and would have been further in my life. I also personally know what can become of you when you waste yourself on a non deserving guy. Also, you were also pregnant which is HUGE, and 99.9% of people are going to naturally think you should be thinking about that, instead of this guy who helped get you into this mess. Everyone knows you have feelings, but we conclude you came here for the bottom line: the facts- which is the guy knocked you up,left you, you lost the baby, and now are considering getting back with him. Yeah, we all get you have feelings but if someone came to you with this situation you would probably be singing the same tune we are. The "grow up" comments come from you not talking more about the lost baby, and you being concerned with this guy. Having a baby is a thing for adults. Your priorities have to switch and the fact you are still considering dealing with this jackass indicates that you are not in a place mentally where you were ever ready to make a child a priority, because whether you had the baby or not, the experience should be enough for you to gather up enough strength to split from this jerk-off. You said he was your best, maybe you were his, but best friends don't do that shit to one another. He isn't your friend. He's a jerk and possibly crazy if he's making up these asinine lies. No one wants to give advice to people who don't listen, and that's why people got upset.
BabyGurl-94 BabyGurl-94 6 years
No I took all advice into consideration. I just thanked the people who thought about how their comment would affect my feelings before they just typed stuff that was hurtful. I do agree with "Anonymous" everyone of you on here have been in relationship struggles and drama. And I'm sure that people telling you to "grow up" wasnt at all comforting or helpful. If you think its stupid how about you not comment it??
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
You only thanked the person who commented in favor of you staying with this loser so I'm guessing you are looking for validation in making the decision to stay with him. You got it. Lexi says stay and 30 others say go and grow up. Take it for what it is. I say you need to leave and grow up, but what do I know?
nicole121482 nicole121482 6 years
This whole post is so drama filled and Jerry Springer worthy, I can't believe people are dignifying it with comments...get a clue girl and move on while trying to minimize all poor decisions you are making...
MySecondLife MySecondLife 6 years
No, "anonymous," we have not ALL been through THIS kind of drama or anything close to it. OP, you may actually enjoy the drama, albeit not this particular scenario which was obviously very upsetting -- and still is. Still, do an honest evaluation: How much drama do you find yourself in, routinely? If the answer is "too much," then it may not be your bf who is the drama king / queen. Also: Your bf sounds like he has a dependency problem. He jumps girls like an old timer plays checkers! He doesn't care who he is with, so long as he is with someone. That may be why you don't feel very special TO him. Just sayin. A lot of people smoke weed and DONT use it as an excuse to be irresponsible. It is never an excuse! It's not like he dropped acid; he smoked some pot. Put it into perspective and stop the denial. Some day, you may look back on all of this (the situation AND these comments) and see the wisdom of the advice as well as the error in your perspective. That's called "spiritual growth," and growth like that takes time, maturity, and the intelligence to know when you are wrong.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Gossip Girl should be a fictitious television show, not a relationship status.
foxie foxie 6 years
God, some of these Group Therapy questions are almost as ridiculous and stupid as Yahoo Answers questions. Seriously. Mind blowing.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
You can't get past it because you are too immature right now to be in a stable relationship. You're still drawn to excitement and intensity and conflict. A happy relationship and drama can't co-exist. If you need the constant intense highs, you have to accept the constant intense lows. Eventually you'll get exhausted by it all. Then we can talk.
imLissy imLissy 6 years
This doesn't sound like it's worth salvaging. I say, find a guy that won't cause so much drama in your life.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
* pregnant
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I wouldn't go back to a guy like that. First, he left you when he thought you were pregnant. That shows poor character and a real man wouldn't do that kind of thing to someone he " loves." Also, the fact that after hearing rumors he cheated on you instead of confronting you, shows lack of character and maturity. Your time is valuable; don't waste it with someone who is not worth it. Just the fact that he left you after he thought you were shows how selfish and irresponsible he is.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
If that pill didn't work out for you in the first place, you probably need another method of birth control (go to local Plan Parenthood, they'll have so much education on those). I know firsthand that sometimes people forget to take the pill. Btw, suggesting counseling and the change of birth control (since the pills didn't work if you did get pregnant--or are you just getting on the pill after?) aren't downputs. It may not what you want to hear but those are valid suggestion. I can't though against my judgement to encourage you to stay with a such a drama-filled relationship with a guy who seems to also be a drug user (you posted that he was 'high' when he cheated on you). If you're close to your family, I feel badly for them if you're involved in such a relationship because it'll affect your family poorly. If you're new here, just letting you know, everyone on Group Therapy or on an open online forum have their own opinion and usually aren't here to coddle anyone and no one here usually censor their opinion.
BabyGurl-94 BabyGurl-94 6 years
As "immature" as this may sound I am on the pill, thanks. and I didnt lie about being pregnant. Thanks Lexi for the kind words, as to the rest of you I asked for advice, not a downput on everything I had to say. I didnt intend on keeping a baby in the situation you all are saying I am. I would have done what was best for the child.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I read your reply, OP. Um. If this were all true, since you're most likely still in school, and probably still under your parents's insurance, perhaps you can seek out counseling. Anyway, just seek out counseling. Miscarriage is reason enough beside the whole drama in the relationship.
Sandle Sandle 6 years
This sounds like waaaay too much drama. That could have been an entire season of a bad soap! My advice - cut contact with him and take some time to analyze yourself.
stephley stephley 6 years
Try maturing before you get involved with anyone.
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