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Found Out My Boyfriend Cheated

"I Found Out My Boyfriend Cheated — Should I Tell Him?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year. I'm 20 and he's 22 — and I know we're pretty young, but I feel like he's the one I can't live without. The problem? He cheated on me in December. On December 25 to be exact. They were drunk and it was just a kiss, but I was so hurt. I thought it was the end. He confessed the next day, told me she meant nothing to him, and said that he would never have any kind of relationship with her. I believed him and was trying to forget everything because I really love him, but for some reason, he recently asked me to check his Facebook. When I read some of his old messages — guilty, I know — I found out that he kissed one of his friends one night and they've hung out since then. The girl was inviting my boyfriend for a drink and even asking him to stay at her place, and my boyfriend agreed to a drink.

Now I don't know what to do. Maybe a kiss is not a big deal, but every time he's with me I think he's cheated and every time he's hanging out without me I think that he may cheat again. I'm not likely to forget or forgive what he did — even though I'm really sure that he loves me and our relationship is great. Do I need to tell him that I know who he kissed and that they still hang out? Or should I just try to forget that one accident?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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honeyinatl honeyinatl 5 years
Dump him. It may feel like he's Mr. Right but the truth is, Mr. Right doesn't cheat. If he cares about you, if he loves you, if he's totally head over heels about you, he wouldn't cheat. He wouldn't even think about it. Even when he's drunk. When you're 100% committed to someone, you don't cheat on them. Period.   The fact that this has happened (or he's at least entertained the idea multiple times with multiple people) means trouble. He can apologize and show you whatever evidence he thinks will get him back in your favor. But that is VERY different than changing behavior. I've dated so many guys that are great at apologizing. But they keep doing the same damn things over and over. Apologies only go so far. The fact is he still cheated on you.    I dated a guy a few years ago who cheated on me. We were friends for several months before we started dating and about two months in, he kissed some girl while he was out at a club. He called me in the middle of the night to tell me and apologize, he said it would never happen again, etc. All of the things you'd expect. I didn't listen to my gut and I gave him another chance. We broke up about a month later and I found out that he had cheated on me at least twice. He only told me because a few of our mutual friends saw it happen and he wanted to have the opportunity to tell me first, in an attempt to make me think that he was truly repentant.    I'd have to question his motives for telling you. Did anyone else see him or find out about it? Was he concerned you'd find out anyway?   And I agree with GZO. You can't forgive and forget, no matter how hard you try. That's always going to be a point of contention between the two of you. You'll always wonder why he did, if he's ever thought about her again, if he will do it again. Cut your losses now. It hurts but its better than getting even more attached to the guy and getting hurt again.
GZO GZO 5 years
"I'm not likely to forget or forgive what he did"   I think that kind of says it all, no?
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
you say, guilty, for reading some of his old messages, but you know what....he asked you to look, and he should have nothing to hide...of course you need to bring it up! And you shouldn't feel bad about finding these messages. A good relationship includes being able to be completely open and honest without fear....Talk to him...I agree with modafiniljunkie....this isn't a happy and satisfied relationship, or he wouldn't have cheated....don't make excuses for him and don't brush it off and try to pretend it didn't happen a kiss with another girl IS a big deal! and if he's making plans with another girl and hasn't told you about it..then he's trying to hide something that he knows will make you uncomfortable. TALK to him! Communicate! you may find out you can live without him and find someone else that will be worthy of your trust. Good luck!
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 5 years
People who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not cheat.  There is something in your relationship that he is clearly missing.  This isn't necessarily a reflection on you.  Instead of seeking fulfillment elsewhere, he should be communicating with you instead.  Whether you decide to forgive him and stay together is entirely up to you, but if he's not communicating with you then your relationship is doomed.  
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I agree with the ladies above. Also, if you don't sit down and have this talk, how you're feeling is going to poison your relationship, and chances are, it will burst out at some time. I think it's preferable to have a calm, considered talk about how you feel, than an hysterical, angry one. I really think if you don't choose the one, you'll end up with the other.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Honey a kiss is a danger averted. He didn't really cheat. He was on the verge of cheating and he decided not to do it. However, the continuing to see a woman he's sexually interested in is a big signal he is not as interested in being monogamous as even he hopes. Such is the nature of sex and romance. He's not ready to "settle down". Heart breaking but I say you don't have a strong enough hold on him at this time to call him fully yours. Your call on if you can live with the ambiguity. I think you need to tell him he needs to choose. That probably won't go well, but it will force some kind of closure for you.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
you need to talk to him about how you feel. you need to let him know that you checked out his messages and explain what you know and how that knowledge makes you feel. If you can't forgive him and are constantly going to have the fear and suspicion hanging over your relationship, it's going to be a miserable one. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust.
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