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A Friend Is Marrying a Creep, but I Don't Want to Tell Her

Sunday Confessional: A Friend Is Marrying a Creep, but I Don't Want to Tell Her

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

A friend of mine is engaged and getting married soon to a guy who is completely unfaithful. I know because he has hit on me, asked to meet up with me and called me multiple times, before and after they got engaged, even AFTER I've told him that I was friends with his gf/fiancée and he should stop.

Now here is the dilemma, I can't tell her. We are not close friends and from what I know about her, her reaction will likely be to paint me as a home-wrecker/flirt who went after her man and marry him anyway. I don't want to get involved in any drama, especially with people I don't really care about that much, but I also feel like a pretty bad person congratulating her and eating wedding cake when I know the groom is such a sleaze.

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katialoves katialoves 6 years
please, if nothing else, at least tell her anonymously also, reasons to tell her, divorce after kids, std, etc
MareBearBear MareBearBear 6 years
Set him up and let her see it. Best way to save your friend. Yes, it manipulative, but hey, it's for the greater good.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Good point Natalie, but I don't think this situation will end pretty no matter what. If the OP's friends react that way, she's better off without them.
Smashboxchick Smashboxchick 6 years
Id still tell her, even if she does paint you in a bad light. She's should know anyway, and then it's up to her if she believes it or not. But morally, telling her the truth is the best thing to do in this situation. Regardless if you're good friends or not. I mean just think about it, what if they got married and because he has sex with women outside the marriage she'd get an STD, or worse.
looseseal looseseal 6 years
Here's a thought: maybe you can let her decide for you whether you tell or not. Ask her if she would want to be told if her fiance is hitting on other women behind her back. It's not exactly subtle, she can probably figure out what you're getting at just from being asked that, but at least this way you can still just drop it if she tells you she would not want to be told. She can go back to living in la-la land and you can go away knowing you at least tried. And if she says she would want to be told and then you tell her, the blow wouldn't be as much of a shock. Would it really be a big deal if she winds up talking trash about you and making you out to be the bad guy? You're not in high school... right? I think you know telling her is the right thing to do (or at least making some attempt to let her know what happened), but you're afraid (understandable, this whole thing puts you in a very awkward position), so even though you don't know her that well, you're already making up worst-case scenarios in your head to excuse yourself from having to do anything difficult. Here's a handy guide on how you might go about telling (Ah, the internet, it has answers to just about everything):
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 6 years
I would tell her. She may not believe you but at least you will know you did the right thing. You say she isn't someone you care much about, so losing her as a friend wouldn't really be a big deal anyways.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
Just think about how you'd feel if you married a complete jerk and people KNEW he was a cheater.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
You have to tell her. Telling other people will only embarass her as the story will spread. Bite the bullet and tell her. If she doesn't believe you big deal,. you aren't best friends. At least you tried.
secondstar secondstar 6 years
I would confide in a mutual friend that is closer to her. Of course you want to pick that person carefully, someone that you can trust. That person knows her better and can predict how she would react to the news. If you don't have a person like that, the other best option is to send an anonymous note. Either way the worst thing that can happen is she finds out the info came from you, gets angry, and you lose a friend that you aren't close to anyways. At least your conscious would be clear.
juicebox07 juicebox07 6 years
I actually disagree with most of the comments. I would talk to this girl and tell her the truth. I was recently in a situation like this (except no wedding was involved). The girl stayed with the guy regardless of him being a lying cheater, and this girl will likely do the same thing. Love is blind, after all. However, at least you won't feel guilty because you will know that you told the truth. Whether she believes you is up to her. Personally, I would rather get that information off my chest and risk her disliking me.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
you know, you're already involved in the drama; he brought you into it when he hit on you. i agree with a lot of the above. she won't hear you, but you you don't say anything she'll (likely) blame you later. you could send her an anonymous note i suppose. short of totally dropping off the planet FOREVER to both of these people and the people that know them; caution, drama ahead.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I don't see what the big deal is. You are not close friends, and it is none of your business. If you feel so uncomfortable, don't go to their wedding. In my experience, is always the person who told the one who takes ends up being the bad person. She will probably say that you are the one who wants her man. Stay out of it. You already did what you had to and that was to tell him that you don't want anything with him.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I might have said something before they were engaged. Now that the wedding is on the horizon, I'd probably just leave it be. It's not really your business. Maybe send an email if it will make you feel better, and decline the wedding invitation.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 6 years
@ Betty Wayne, this could be ideal, but in real life, what happens is that the friends she confides friends she confides in most likely run to the girl and tell her that the submitter is spreading things about the fiance. And it won't end pretty. I've tried to tell a friend a bf she just met (and I've previously known) is a pathological liar and many friends knew it too, he lies about absolutely everything. She eventually started lying for him to cover up for him, and alienated her friends. Thing is, she knew he lied, but even though that was the truth, was furious at us for saying so. Love makes people completely insane... This is with a girl just meeting a guy, I'm pretty sure if she's about to marry him she's crazy about him, and nothing this girl will say to her friend will make any difference...
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Does you have any mutual friends you could discuss this with? Or maybe her family? I doubt you're the only one he tried to bone, maybe if a couple others throw an 'intervention' and come forward with similar stories, it'll be the eye-opener she needs to not marry him.
ChelMarie ChelMarie 6 years
ChelMarie ChelMarie 6 years
I mostly likely would just stay the hell away from it all and not even go to the wedding. But then again, I'd be tempted to send an anonymous note before the wedding day letting her know what a sleaze her man is. She probably wouldn't believe it, and he'd talk his way out of it, but hey, at least you could say you tried.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 6 years
If I were you, and this girl wasn't even a close friend of mine, I would get the hell away from the situation. Block the guy's number, tell her you have something going on why you suddenly can't come to the wedding (if you guys aren't close, I doubt it would bother her much). I would never attend the wedding, and you telling her is probably not for the best. Of course telling her is morally just, but I would personally stay the hell away unless she was a good friend.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
I would come up with some last minute "emergency" or excuse and probably not attend the wedding. Why partake of something when you feel this uncomfortable?Distance yourself from them as much as you can. You don't want to get caught in the middle of their drama, especially if she's not a close friend. Send her a nice gift and a card and be done with it.
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