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Good Idea or Bad Idea: Looking Through His Things

I get a lot of mail from women who suspect their partners might be cheating. I also get a lot of mail from women who struggle with great amounts of insecurity, self-doubt and jealousy. These emotional waters make it almost impossible to navigate things like privacy, trust, and clarity. What do we do if we suspect someone is lying to us?

Is it a good idea or a bad idea to read his email, check his phone — anything in that vein — in order to confirm what we suspect?


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kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
Whatever on the snooping thing, if he is lying you will find out through snooping, if not there is nothing to hide anyway!
rkdub rkdub 10 years
BAD IDEA!!! Not only because you are going to completely disrespect your significant other by invading their privacy, but also because if you are really really really looking for "something" to fulfill your expectations.. you will find "something". The problem is that "something" may be NOTHING....
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I also say bad idea! Although I've been guilty of it myself because curiosity got the best of me. My husband is very open about everything with me he will show me the emails himself and will give me the passwords that's why I trust him so much but I don't want to look through them I realize that's just being childish. If someone boyfriend or husband, specially if you live with him is cheating and lying or doing something behind your back they can't keep that up for a long time sooner or later when the time is right you will find out the truth always comes out somehow.
flutterpie flutterpie 10 years
my advice to anyone in this situation would be: you need to talk to him, tell him why you suspect he is cheating and let him explain his side of the story. tell him that you just want honesty and that if he is cheating he needs to be fair let you go. say " i know girls who would search thier guys stuff but i dont want to do that because i want us to have an open and honest relationship" some guys would say "go ahead and search my stuff" (my boyfriend would)if he doesnt no biggie, but if you still dont trust him then you need ask why do i want to be in a relationship where i cannot trust the other person Tanning is not a skin color, Brian, its a lifestyle.
LuckyGrl-83 LuckyGrl-83 10 years
i say no to snooping... yeah, you could find validation for your suspicions, but you can also misinterpret things... If you feel the urge to snoop, take it as a big red flag warning you of a bigger issue in your relationship...
JustMe21 JustMe21 10 years
When I was dating my husband, I looked through his things just out of curiosity. I didn't like what I found. Pictures, notes, so on. It made me sad. I don't suggest going through their things unless you're prepared to see things you don't want to. Since we've been married, those pictures and notes have been destroyed so I feel much better.
andaman andaman 10 years
if you think he's seeing someone else, brillant idea, go for it, don't feel bad! Otherwise, stay away from his things!
XDeexDeeX XDeexDeeX 10 years
If your man is cheating than ou shouldn't struggle to find evidence! I mean if he's cheating you can't just let it pass hoping that it will change on it's own. I don't really think you shoul look through his cell phone or his email but talk to him about it.
katie225 katie225 10 years
ugh, i am one of these women who emailed in asking for help with this. i honestly struggle with this everyday of my life. because of my intense insecurity, i don't feel like i will ever be able to have a long term, healthy, trusting relationship. i'm with a guy now, and every time i don't have the password to his email, it kills me. "what if he's cheating on me? i'm such an idiot!" that's what i always think. as long as i can check up on him and not find anything, i'm greeeat. but the thing is, i always do find something iffy, you know? not like he's actually physically cheating on me, but just saying inappropriate things to other females or completely leaving me out of any conversations he has with his female friends. i don't expect him to talk about me all the time, but when he purposefully leaves me out (saying he lives with his brother, but fails to mention he lives with me AS WELL), i start to get suspicious. i really am neurotic about this. and i absolutely hate it. yes, i should probably get on medication of some kind, but i hate the idea of having the wool pulled over my eyes, you know?
Beauty Beauty 10 years
I know it's a bad idea, but there is just something about getting validation of proof on your suspicions.
tiki1682 tiki1682 10 years
You shouldn't do it, I know from experience. One, because if you have there is definitely something not right in the relationship. Two, if you do find something you can never bring it up, no matter how clever you think you are. tiki1682
Marci Marci 10 years
I say no to snooping. Never ever. I wouldn't like anyone going through my things randomly. It's different when it's like grl in the world talks about having her boyfriend's phone and answering it, etc. That's a solid, trusting and open relationship at work. He's not trying to hide anything there. But if you have to sneak around to go through their stuff to see if you can find something, then you already know there's a problem. I'm with cubadog. I trust my gut and it never fails me.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Lickety split, I agree with you on this one. If something is sitting around and you look at it no big deal. Unfortunately some people do cheat, and the sooner the person being cheated on finds out, the sooner they can move on with their lives and find a decent partner! If a guy has nothing to hide, he shouldn't mind. My bf's cellphone is in my purse half the time and I often answer it if it rings, or flip through it if I need to find a #, & he couldn't care less...because he has nothing to hide!
agrepina agrepina 10 years
i know its wrong and all..but id do it..
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I am with SLB on this one. If you are questioning whether he is faithful there is a question of trust in this relationship. Don't invade his privacy, got by what your gut tells you.
anti-curl anti-curl 10 years
i agree with you shy_baby. the mind can be very tricky especially when we are trying to satisfy our curiosity. invading personal privacy is unacceptable. ________________________________________________ that's what she said!
tifygodess24 tifygodess24 10 years
Isnt it amazing how a man can make a normally sane girl lose it? Why is that? , I hate that they in a sense have that power over some women and make us doubt ourselves. And really how hard is it not to cheat... I never got that. Personally Im conflicted on this one , I wouldnt snoop but thats because I would be too scared to actually find something. Im a scaredy cat :) But if hes not being honest and cheating , a woman has a right to know . (especially if hes sleeping with someone while hes sleeping with you,gross! ) So really thats a hard call. But I also agree that if your gut tells you something then its probally right.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
hummm, part of me says not okay. the other part of me says that if he has nothing to hide what's the harm? the times i have gone looking i have found something i wasn't happy about, but then don't i deserve to know that? sometimes a girl needs proof to make her feel like she's not going crazy, that her "gut" is right. i think there are certain limits to the snooping. anything in plain site is "okay" because there is no expectation of privacy there, right? so a card or business card found on top of the desk or table is okay but not the drawers. if he tells you he's going to lunch with joe on wednesday and you happen to run into joe on wednesday afternoon i think it's okay to bring up something to get joe to say whether they had lunch. a balance. i really think it's more of a gut check than anything else. no one wants to believe that their parnter is lying so sometimes the heart will over look what the eyes cannot.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
No matter how the situation is. He will be mad. Do not invade peoples privacy. Its a simple case how would i feel if... and theres the whole it is in some cases illigal thing.
SLB SLB 10 years
If you feel that they are cheating then thre is a problem with trust in the relationship already. Also "she" can cheat to it is not just a guy thing. ~~~~Sora: W-We're back! Kairi: You're home.
Perl Perl 10 years
I say snooping is a bad idea. I think that if you suspect something is up then the chances are good that there is a problem in the relationship regardless.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I say it's a bad idea, as someone who once, long ago, checked my boyfriend's email and found he was cheating on me. I confirmed a suspicion, yes, and was glad that I found out. However, I ultimately had the live with the fact that I had violated someone's privacy, and it was something I was not proud of.
shy_baby shy_baby 10 years
If you go looking, you are gonna find something. Not because he IS cheating but the paranoia of searching through his stuff is gonna help find something that is otherwise innocent but your brain will twist it into something bad. Just ask is my policy. Love: 1 Corinthians 13
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I am a firm believer in my gut. I have never been wrong.
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