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The Grass Is Always Greener

Dear Sugar
I am a sophomore in college and broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years, five months ago. Right after we broke up, I met a guy who goes to a different university about an hour away from mine. We started seeing each other, but after only a few weeks, I was very honest and told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Two weeks ago he called to invite me to a ice hockey game. I was reluctant at first, but he told me he had a girlfriend and just wanted to hang out as friends, so I went...big mistake. I got there and he was all over me and I hate to say it, but we had sex. I felt so bad that I was being a home wrecker, it is so not in my character to act that way, and I left immediately.

Days later I started thinking about him non-stop and realized I want him back. I have always been the kind of person who wants what I can't have so how can I tell if what I am feeling is real, or jealousy? Should I tell him how I am feeling? Longing for Him Lidia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Longing for Him Lidia
Only you can be the judge of your feelings so listen to your gut instinct. Is this another example of wanting what you can't have? As much as you didn't want to be a home wrecker, did you visit your buddy to make sure he still wanted you?

Take yourself back to the way you felt when you broke it off with him, what part about your relationship made you not ready then but ready now? The feeling of wanting what you can't have is common, but can be very self-destructive.

It sounds as though he is still interested in you, so make sure you are certain of your feelings before you say anything to him and get his hopes up. Stringing him along and stirring the pot isn't fair to either of you if your intentions are not pure.

Join The Conversation
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 10 years
Are you sure you want to tether yourself to someone who willingly, knowingly, purposely cheats on his girlfriend? 'Cause *that* is what he is: a CHEATER. It doesn't matter that he cheated with you -- (because, in your mind, you may be wondering if he really likes you. . . so that is why he cheated, perhaps? Because he doesn't have true feelings for the other girl? WRONG. If he really liked you, he would never want you to compromise your integrity by sleeping with another girl's man. He would have broken-up with the GF and asked you on a date. He didn't. Whatever you think your feelings are, I doubt his are the same.) -- he is still a cheater. (If he cheats on current GF with you, it will be far easier for him to cheat on you with some other chick when you are the new GF.) You want what you can't have. Most of us do. It is now time for you to really deal with the fact that you slept with another girl's boyfriend. Your character has been compromised. I'm guessing she still doesn't know. Perhaps you should focus on that rather than Cheating-Boy-Wonder. (Regardless of your relative feelings for the guy, you have a decision to make. By keeping the knowledge of his infidelity from his current girlfriend, you are now ACTIVELY complicit in his deceit, manipulation and betrayal of her. You may not think you owe her anything, but you DID sleep with her BF -- and you *knew* he was her man BEFORE you had sex with him. You certainly are not without blame. Of course, he will get mad if you tell her. Cheaters do not like to have their indiscretions revealed -- but do you really want to act as the mindless, silly-puppet of someone else's unfaithful boyfriend?) Good luck. You'll probably be over him as soon as you think you CAN have him. Your good character and integrity may be a bit harder to get back.
TrippingBillies TrippingBillies 10 years
I have to disagree with lola_k on this one. I know that we have all had ourselves a case of wanting what we can't have. Whether it's some guy that flirted with you for an hour only to see him making out with another girl, or wanting an ex back because he now has a girlfriend. It happens, jealousy in some forms is natural. But I think what this person should do is to not have any contact with this person for a set period of time. Maybe if she doesn't have that influence of him around then she can realize if she really does like the guy or if she just wants him because. Also I would say after that period of time has passed there should be some sort of casual date in a public setting. Maybe she will find out whether the feelings are real or not. Princess Consuela Bananahammock
lolak lolak 10 years
Sick! If you know this is something you can't have then what is the point of asking this question? And if you also know you are a home wrecker then why would you continue to hurt another person...cause Um YEAH, even if she doesn't know you are still hurting her. It's not fair that all of a sudden you find out he has someone and now out of the blue you want him. If you do get him then he will do the same to you, except you actually deserve it. That's plain NASTY! no better than the out of control celebs we talk about on this site. Gross! like you described it yourself BIG MISTAKE
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