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Greg Behrendt Reveals: She Was Just Not That Into Me

He's Just Not That Into You became a bible of sorts for the single woman who didn't want to get blindsided by one more man who didn't call her back. Co-authored by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, it outlined the many things women tell themselves about dates that go nowhere, when really the answer may be. . .yeah, I won't repeat it.

The book that claimed it provided the "no-excuses truth to understanding guys" took some hits from critics who said that its premise — that women should just stifle their desires (to call first, to ask those men what's wrong, to express what they want) — adhered to an old-fashioned vision of womanhood. "Disguised as 'liberation,' " wrote one critic, in a typical slam, "the book espouses an astoundingly passive role for women in relationships: always the pursued, never the pursuer."

But in a standup routine Behrendt did in 2006, he revealed something interesting. Part of the reason he knew so much about men's excuses wasn't just because he was a man. "What I don't tell them," he says tantalizingly, about why he was the guy to write the book was that: "I'm also almost every girl in the book." To listen to a podcast of this standup and to find out what famous person he was obsessed with

Unlike a lot of douchebags out there giving advice these days (Steve Ward from Tough Love — I'm talking to you!), Behrendt admits he's been that guy, that is, just like the women he counsels who show they care too much — to someone who doesn't care back as much.

Apparently, he once fell in love with standup comedian/actress Janeane Garofalo, whom he refers to as "the female Kurt Cobain of her generation." How did he express his love? Through mix tapes, late-night drunk dialing, and a general "I'm giving you something — now give it back to me" vibe which, not surprisingly, made her respond to him by "drifting away from [my] freakiness."

This piece of information puts a refreshing spin on the seemingly gender-rigid ideas in the book that bugged critics. May I suggest something, Greg? How about an excerpt of this for an afterward to the next edition of He's Just Not That Into You? Or write a book that talks to both sexes? To listen to this revelation, go to The Moth Podcast.


Join The Conversation
Hollywoodjess Hollywoodjess 8 years
Why isn't there a book out called "shes not that into me?" It seems only plausible to do this. Some guys don't take the hint also...Girls are not the only ones having issues in the dating department! And I totally agree with the above statement from Leslie!
Love-and-Sex Love-and-Sex 8 years
Leslie — I'm stealing this: "Hey, I'm never going to have sex with you, so can you please disappear?"
leslievanhouten leslievanhouten 8 years
*that's supposed to be a *rolls eyes* emoticon
leslievanhouten leslievanhouten 8 years
I didn't interpret the book as "all men" are like that; rather, the men who are like that, just aren't into you. Back in high school and college, I remember getting head over heels infatuated with various guys, and crushed when they didn't return the affection. I feel that Greg's point is: don't beat yourself up over this, don't try to analyze what you did wrong or try to change yourself into what you think this guy wants...cut your losses and move on to the next guy. And that is great advice. And it does apply to both genders. I'm guilty of pulling the fade on guys I dated whom I wasn't into...I didn't return calls, I broke dates, in general, I acted like an asshole because I was too much of a wimp to come clean and say "hey, I'm never going to have sex with you, so can you please disappear". I think the heavy gender bias in the book, is because it is a book. Women buy this stuff, not men. Just like men buy "fitness" and "health" books and women buy "diet" books. 8-|
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I completely disagreed with the book when I read it. I don't think all men are like that (my husband and friends aren't) and it really makes me mad. All men should not be lumped in one catogory just like all women shouldn't either. It will really make you cynical if you listen to ALL of his advice.
margokhal margokhal 8 years
I've read the book, and watched the movie...while I liked them both, they didn't really speak to any of my situations...I'm just not that type of girl, I guess. Even though I do take issue with the "passive" role that critic said the book gives: I've been studying some religious texts, and that's a pretty traditional stance to take. Men like the chase, women give it to them. That doesn't mean women sit around and DO NOTHING - you go on about your life, do what you need/want to do. But I think what Greg was getting at is that if a man is truly interested in you, he'll do whatever it takes to get with you. That's not a bad thing...and it gives women TONS of power!
leslievanhouten leslievanhouten 8 years
Wow, great listen; though I swear I've heard the whole calling-the-hotel part...maybe on TAL? But I loved what he said about not loving Janeane, rather the "idea" of Janeane. But I disagree with the statement that Greg thinks he's uncool...dude, your roommate was David Cross!
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