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Guy Friend's Girlfriend Is Jealous

Group Therapy: I'm Over My Guy Friend's Girlfriend

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Alright Sugars, I'm dealing with something that I'd like to think everyone deals with at some point of another. I have a really close friend "John" who has been dating "Jane" for about six months. John and I have known each other for a few years; I've helped him through some major problems (drugs, depression, etc.). We are super close.

The two of us dating has never been on the table. When we were both single we may have cuddled up to watch a movie or something, but never anything more, and might I repeat, a relationship more than a close friendship has not been on the table. Jane is insecure, bottom line. She flips out if she finds out that we've been hanging out without her. The three of us do hang out sometimes and it's fun, but sometimes John and I need to talk about things alone . . . i.e. some of his issues from back in the day bother him and he knows she can't help, because she doesn't understand them. Or even for me, when I felt the need to harm myself, I knew he would be the only one who would understand . . . I don't feel like she needs to know the details of my life!!


He knows that it bothers me that we, in essence, "sneak" our friendship. He will tell her we've been hanging out if she asks, but if she doesn't . . . he doesn't volunteer that info. I feel like there is nothing that I can do to appease Jane other than stop hanging out with John which is not going to happen. I know that we aren't doing anything wrong when we are together, but she damn sure makes it feel that way!! So what can he or I do to make her realize that he and I are friends, we need to have our one-on-one time?

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toomuch toomuch 5 years
the word sneak is all I have to hear to know - you gotta sneak it because you know you aren't supposed to do it
toomuch toomuch 5 years
You are confused about what intimacy is, and so is John. Jane isn't. She can feel your intimacy with John, knows it violates her, and hates it. And you disrespect her for it? Karma is a bummer honey.
toomuch toomuch 5 years
It is kind of disturbing to hear you talk about someone else's mate that way. 6 months is making you nervous because they are serious and you know it, and you want him. Otherwise you would totally understand that your actions are wrong. You and he are violating the intimacy and trust she (kinda) has for him. She is jealous of you and she is right. You need "alone" time with this guy? Get a room and stop being so two-faced as too criticize her for being smart enough to know you are trouble.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Have been in this situation as the friend a couple of times, and I hate to tell you this, but for guys, the girlfriend of the moment always trumps the female friend. As much as you think this is unfair, that is just life. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. You have to accept the fact that he has someone, and I think you need to focus on finding another man to focus on, a boyfriend of your own. If your friendship fizzles, well, that is life and there is nothing you can do about it. Tough lesson, but the sooner you realize it, the better it will be for you. If they split up, and he comes to you for support, you have to ask yourself if you want to be a crying towel for this guy the rest of your life, when it is convenient for him, that is.
Burkina Burkina 5 years
I'm wondering how John is handling this. Is he just sitting back and letting her think more is going on? If I were you I would directly tell her to stop being so jealous because NOTHING is going on. I understand where all three of you are coming from. I think there needs to be more open communication.
jenjen82 jenjen82 5 years
You guys both need counseling from a professional therapist and not each other to deal with your mental issues. It sounds like this relationship will not last too long if she keeps brushing him off when he tries to confide in her, and she's jealous of you, he has deep issues, you sneak around to hang out, etc. I mean come on!
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne 5 years
I think if John has a girlfriend already, maybe it's time that she gets to know about the things that scare him - and be the shoulder that he cries on from now on. I know the process is hard, but you know, we have to know our place at some point. He chose her to be his partner in life... that kind of says a lot. Be wise and be the one to give him space. If you're really a friend, help the girlfriend by sharing the things you claim you know so she could help him herself. I admire how much you care for your friend and I know It's difficult not being as close to your best friend as before (when you were both singles) but it has to happen. I wish you the best.
katialoves katialoves 5 years
tell her emphatically that he really means a lot to you as a friend, and that you 100% promise it will never be more than friends; you dont ever want to date him, and that he has never hit on you or given the impression that he wanted to date you. tell her how long you have been platonic friends. then hang out with her alone once in a while (and dont talk about him unless she asks/be careful what you say if she does ask as you dont want her to get suspicious or jealous) when you are hanging out alone with her you can mention the guys that you are dating.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
yeaaaah I wouldn't quite trust the situation if I were the girlfriend either. It seems like he's emotionally cheating on her - he's closed off a side of him and only you have access to it. Hopefully a boyfriend never does that to you because it probably sucks
karlotta karlotta 5 years
That's how I lost my best friend. I was becoming so annoyed to never see him one on one, I stopped making an effort to try and see him alone because he would ALWAYS bring her. Not connecting with his girlfriend much, all our get-togethers were forced threesomes which were just hours of superficial talk and none of what we used to share. You can't force me to talk about my personal stuff in front of someone I don't have a close relationship with. Now that they're getting married, I know he'll stay like a brother in my heart, but in my heart only. Good for him, he's happy, in the end.
adonnam04 adonnam04 5 years
It's just not appropriate for man in a relationship to spend one on one time with another woman. Period. It sounds to me that both of you have a relationship that, as you put it, is completely rooted in both of your negative pasts. You cling to one another like a liferaft when maybe you should consider getting out of the water an rejoining civilization.... Something "John" appears to be trying to do. But of course, there's trouble and stresses etc. and he wants to run back to you to help him cope, but in the interest of what's best for "John" maybe you should encourage him to confide more in "Jane"... not you. Also, for you it would be great if you could let go of your relationship with "John" some (I in no way hope to convey the message that you and "John" do not need to be friends, you are friends and have been friends, and hopefully will aways be friends, but he's in a relationship, boundaries need to be in place and they should be respected). By clinging to this guy who you have no romantic interest in you're keeping yourself from having to open up to someone new (in my opinion, who knows you could be married, or seeing someone but my guess is you are not, or at least it's not headed anywhere since you're clinging to "John").... As far as BiWife's comment about timing you referenced in your comment back... yes these issues are part of your past, but they do not have to define who you are, which is what you and "John" are doing. If his g/f makes insensitive comments about his past he should bring that up to her.. not you. If she needs to show more compassion in this area he should discuss that w/ her... not you. If you & "John" want to ride off into the sunset together, by all means, cut "Jane" loose, but otherwise be respectful of where your friend is trying to go w/ his life. Both of you stop clinging to the past and try to move on, w/ the help of some other friends (maybe try one's of the same sex), some mentors, a Church family, etc.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
The fact that she referred to his depression, suicidal tendencies, and self mutilation as "all that junk", should be a huge red flag for him. If he needs someone who can support his continued recovery (which he clearly does as is evident by his friendship with you), then he shouldn't have to compromise in his relationship on that point. I would think having a girlfriend who is so not understanding, would add a level of shame and embarrassment that could be dangerous to the equation. It sounds like her jealousy is stemming from his inability to confide in her, and his inability to confide in her is stemming from her lack of understanding and compassion for his situation. Which, as has been pointed out by many other posters, is between them. If they're going to stay together, it's an issue they will have to work out. If they can't work it out, they won't stay together. All you can do as his 100% platonic friend is be there for him. But also be aware if they do work through this problem, and stay together, she may become his confidant. Make sure you also have a safety net that doesn't rely entirely on him for your own health and continued recovery.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
I think there's probably some feelings of him being your security blanket as well, so losing that special connection you have makes you scared that you'll revisit the past. I don't doubt that this girl is living in a fantasy about his darkness, but your possessiveness is stemming from somewhere too. The person who can fix this is John. He needs to sit her down and explain why your friendship is so important. She really needs to understand the real, ongoing nature of his illness and needs to hear it from him. If she isn't going to get it, then he needs to decide which he values more as she's clearly not going to see the two relationships as entirely compatible. It's not that it's right for her to be jealous of the situation, but the reality is that many women would be. (as evidenced by above posters) It's something that you're going to have to let him handle, it's his decision and one that you have to respect. I don't recommend sneaking of any sort, so make sure to discuss alternative self-care that you guys can do (finding other allies that you can call on, making sure you're taking meds (if applicable), etc) before breaking off any communication.
WarmnessOnTheSoul WarmnessOnTheSoul 6 years
OP here... I did try to hang out with her, and hung out with her alone on several occasions. She was fine and is fine when it's just us or we're all together. BiWife hit it on the nose with the time thing, it took him a long time to build enough trust with me to tell me these things. Anytime he wants to bring up his demons to her, she says things like "You're all better now, let's talk about something else!" and "I thought you were over all that junk" (two things he told me she said word for word) Even I tried to tell her what his problems were all about (per his request) and she said "I know what's wrong with my boyfriend, and I know what's not wrong with him!!" She is living in a fantasy when it comes to his problems. I guess I am a bit possesive, only because I worry that he'll go back down that road and hurt himself again, it's taken so long to get this far, I don't want him to backtrack. In essence I want to know how to deal with the fantasy world she sees him in,I realize it's probably just her security blanket with the relationship, however it makes it hard on him knowing she doesnt like him seeing me, but he has said many times, he has nowhere else to turn if he doesn't. And frankly, it makes it hard on me to see it hurt him...
BiWife BiWife 6 years
I have to disagree with a lot of the previous posters. This isn't petty stuff that John is confiding in the OP about and vice versa. This is suicide and self-mutilation prevention which falls into an entirely separate category. If John's gf hasn't ever been or known someone who was depressed, especially suicidal, then he's likely scared that confiding all the stuff that makes him depressed and suicidal would hurt her. I know it hurts my husband a lot to hear when pressure from him or things he's said have put bad thoughts in my head. He's by no means the cause of my depression and transient suicidality, but sometimes he really isn't helping and pushes my buttons at the wrong time and he's the straw that breaks the camel's back on the floodwaters of depression (to string as many euphemisms in one sentence as possible, lol). If it wasn't for the very strong connection and many years together, I could not confide in my husband the way I do now. It takes a looooong time to trust someone enough to confide about self-mutilation and suicide/depression. Granted, Eventually Jane should be brought in on the safety net for John, but it needs to be on his time and when they have built up enough trust where he can safely tell her about all his darkness and not have Jane run off scared. Not everyone can handle mental illness or caring for someone with mental illness.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
I agree with pax. It's starting to sound like you and John should just get everything over with and ditch Jane once and for all, because you're being really inconsiderate towards her. I know that I'm being really harsh, but just reading your post made me wonder why you were asking for help in the first place: Jane's the one who needs advice. Her boyfriend confides in some other girl, and not in her. That's not right in my books, for sure. I think you need to rethink your friendship with John. If you respect him and his relationship with his girlfriend enough, you'd back off a little more. Just because you're friends doesn't give you any more rights than his girlfriend, especially if they are in a serious relationship. I think this example's been given, but how would you feel if your boyfriend confided in a different girl more than he would you? Committing yourself to a relationship means you are best friends. He can't be best friends with her if YOU'RE his best friend. I also don't think there's a point in sitting down with them to talk. If you really respected John to begin with, you would have put in more effort to make friends with Jane, so that she would be comfortable with you being around her man. It's too late for that now and I'm sorry to say this, but you have a tough choice to make.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
If the gf can't connect with him in all areas and he and you feel like you have to hide it from her, you and he should ride off into the sunset and leave her at peace.
kat3 kat3 6 years
Several questions first: Does John tell her girlfriend these things about himself or does he only tell you? Has he even bothered trying to talk to her? And why does he feel like she can't help him? Essentially, I agree with Pistil and nowaylady. I feel like if a guy has a girlfriend, she should be the one he talks to about this stuff, regardless of what you went through in the past. Imagine you are Jane and your BF confides in another girl instead of you about initimate details of his life. How would you feel? The fact that you are both trying to hide this is only going to add fuel to the fire. Nothing good can come from this. I think the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk with both of them exactly what you wrote here. Going behind her back will only give her more reason to suspect you two.
lcrox07 lcrox07 6 years
Point blank tell her what you wrote.
nowaylady nowaylady 6 years
Why do I feel like you are a wee bit possessive about this guy? I get that you two are friends and are extremely close, but Pistil's got it right, the girlfriend would never be comfortable if he is shutting her out. He needs to let her in on his past, maybe she would be able to help and you need to stop hiding stuff from her. If you try hanging out with her, without him around and get to know her as Jane and not as John's girlfriend, the issues might be solved.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
You can't really do anything, I'd say this is between him and her. It's perfectly acceptable and necessary to have platonic friendships outside of your romantic relationship, but personally it would hurt to know that my boyfriend felt he couldn't confide in me, whether I understood every facet of the situation or not. I really hope this is not how he explains it to her, that she just won't "get it", but rather that you are just another friend... he does have other friends that he spends time with, right? No, she doesn't need to know any details about your life, but she might feel better if she didn't feel like there was a good portion of her boyfriend's life that she is just not allowed in. That's how I would feel, anyway.
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