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Handle This: To Gift or Not to Gift?

Welcome to DearSugar's new feature: Handle This. I'm going to give you a hypothetical scenario and ask you to tell me how you would handle it in the comments below. Let's give it a whirl.

You were invited to a friend's wedding who you were really close with in college, but since then, you've grown apart due to geography and time constraints. You still communicate over email and text, but haven't seen each other in years, which is why you decided to decline her wedding invitation, not to mention the fact that you've never met her husband-to-be.

You sent in the response card long before the due date and even called to apologize for not being able to make it, but she has ignored your efforts and hasn't called you back. You were planning on sending a wedding gift even though you opted out of the day itself, but now that she has completely stopped talking to you, you're not so sure you want to be that generous. Ladies, we all know how bridezillas can be, so tell me how you would handle this. Would you send a gift and be the bigger person, or write her off as a friend like she seems to be doing to you?


Join The Conversation
jmeyer jmeyer 9 years
In this situation I would assume that the bride is not intentionally ignoring me, but rather she is too busy with planning her wedding. I can not possibly imagine how the bride in this situation could get angry with "me" for not attending her wedding, especially since I have not met her husband to be! I would definitely still send a present. I do not think it is being the bigger person, I think it is proper wedding etiquette. I would also probably send a note suggesting that post wedding/honeymoon craziness she and I reconnect and meet our significant others. Overall, I guess I'm just not really seeing the conflict here.
thedingo thedingo 9 years
I agree with most everyone here. Send the gift that you were planning on sending to her, and include in the card a reminder of how sorry you are not to have been there on her special day and hopefully you can meet her new husband and see her for a congratulatory celebration in the future. She's just busy.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
send a gift and be the bigger person- nothing too major though.
mbrown81 mbrown81 9 years
I'm with you saranightly - I'd send her a nice card with a gift card included. I wouldn't go overboard with the amount though.
nikodarling nikodarling 9 years
You aren't obligated to send someone a gift just because they are getting married. If you aren't going you needn't bother. Send her a nice card and give her ypur best wishes. Maybe try calling her a few months after the wedding when things have calmed down for her.
snarkypants snarkypants 9 years
send the gift!!! she's planning a wedding...of course she's too busy to reply!!! if after the wedding she's still ignoring me then it'd cut her out, but for now i'd assume that she has better things to do than reply to my rsvp!
saranightly saranightly 9 years
I would send a card with a message about enjoying their special day, and please give me a call when you have some time after your honeymoon so you can tell me everything. With the card, I would probably send a gift card to whereever they had registered, to save money on shipping.
books-and-shoes books-and-shoes 9 years
I'd send a gift. And I agree with everyone else who said to include a note expressing happiness for her and the hope to catch up again when everything dies down.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
I would not send a gift. After the wedding, if I cared enough, I would try to invite her for dinner and catch up...if she doesn't care then.... I know the friendship is over. simple.... If I didn't miss it enough to try to connect before...I don't think i would care enough now.... :bubblegum:
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
I would email her and tell her that you know she is busy, and that you are mailing the gift, and good luck. I didnt have tons of people i wanted come to my wedding, tis normal!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
what's with the mind-games? send a present if you want to. my rule is: If I go, I take a present. If I dont go, I don't take. there!
Greggie Greggie 9 years
"this question is kind of self-absorbed" I'd say more than "kind of."
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
I would still send a gift. I mean, you can still save this long relationship, you still have one more might regret it if you didn't.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
I'm with everyone else. I didn't see the big deal in her not calling back. she's busy, and this question is kind of self-absorbed. send a gift, call her after the honeymoon.
bbkf bbkf 9 years
Send a gift from the registry.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
I would send a nice gift card from Target or an American Express gift card so they could get random things for the house. And i agree with the poster that it would be nice to include a note expressing happiness for her and her husband and hopefully they can get in touch when she has some time? It just doesn't seem appropriate to end an otherwise decent friendship for not responding immediately when she's so busy.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
She's clearly busy with her big day, why would she care about a guest who isn't even going? Though to be fair I would probably go if I had no good reason not to? I travelled 5 hours to make it in time for my best friend from school's wedding and I had no gift for them. I was a student and they were getting married at 22 so I said the presents will come when my income improves!! One of my other friends got married in a 4 person ceremony and wanted no guests so I didn't givem a wedding present either! Everything is so unconventional nowadays.. I wouldn't be offended though and I wouldn't feel the need to "be the bigger person"..
missyd missyd 9 years
I wouldnt send a gift. I think one thing people may not be getting with this scenario is that it's not that she didnt REPLY to the rsvp turn-down (who does that?), it's that they used to talk regualrly on phone and via email, and since she said she couldnt make it, this girl has cut ties and isnt even emailing or contacting at all anymore. I think that's rather childish. Plus they live far away, so its not easy for this girl to go to the wedding!!! Girlfriend should understand. I think before anything else, I'd contact her myself, and be completely honest about how I felt. Ask her why she isnt calling anymore, and if she is upset that she is not attending. Not in a mean way, in a nice, concerned, I-hope-you-arent-mad kind of way
Schaianne Schaianne 9 years
I'd send the gift. Who knows why she hasn't replied (and the Host isn't SUPPOSED to answer RSVP's anyway) but most likely she's got a LOT going on.
SabreBabeSarah SabreBabeSarah 9 years
Def send a gift, she's probably super busy and will love that you cared enough to send something.
kuikui84 kuikui84 9 years
Send something, not as expensive...with a card....that says holla back!!!
krys786 krys786 9 years
I would DEFINITELY send a gift. You don't have to spend $500 on the couple (especially since you only know 1/2 of them), but writing this girl off forever is really harsh. Like everyone else said, she is probably busy planning the big day and your RSVP got thrown in the same pile as all the others. Besides, I don't usually call to confirm an RSVP regardless if it's "accept" or "decline". Send the gift, and attach a note with your number/email address asking for her to set up a lunch date.
courtneyh courtneyh 9 years
Honestly, there are people my whole life-who are not friends-but aquaintences, and I would invite them, but honestly NOT care if they came or not. Obviously this girl is one that the bride isn't losing sleep over, or else she would have gotten a phone call by now. Don't send the gift. Wait till you get pictures thru e-mail of their honeymoon and send a housewarming gift.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Don't you think that she's probably a little busy planning the wedding to follow up on every invitation? I don't think it's necessarily a rejection. I would still send a nice but not extravagant gift and not expect anything back but a thank-you note. However, if you want to follow up a couple months after the wedding to say hi, do that.
sandinmytoes sandinmytoes 9 years
I would definitely still send a gift. I would have accepted the wedding invite too though!
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